Monday, 11 May 2009

• Sibling Breakup Advice Part II - Going On A Break

  I spoke to my sister in Australia again yesterday about her recent relationship troubles and I'm very pleased to hear that she took my advice from before; they went "on a break" for a few weeks so they could try to regain some perspective on the relationship and figure themselves out a bit as individuals rather than just identifying themselves as a couple. That seems to be a trap that many people I have known throughout my life, myself included, fall into at some point. It's an easy enough mistake to make; it's something that can happen without your even noticing it and it often takes an outside observer to bring it to attention.

  This can raise many problems, especially if the person in question hasn't asked for help or advice. Some people are very resistant to other people telling them what to do with their lives and will subsequently retort with torrents of abuse and reasons why you are not fit to be advising them. Sometimes people will just stay in a relationship that's gone sour because of the fear of loneliness or that it's as good as they can do; these are rarely, if ever, good reasons to stay together.

  It takes a lot of courage and a certain amount of humility to be able to admit that there is something wrong and drastic steps need to be taken. I think this is why my sister was so upset the last time I spoke to her; she had realised that the relationship could not go on as it had and that something had to be done.  Fortunately, she came to me and trusted my advice.

  She seemed at least a little unsure of her feelings and what she really wanted; I told her that full-on breaking up, something that she might not be able to go back on if she later changed her mind, would probably not be the best idea. She sounded like she had really thought the whole thing through and saw only two options: stay together or break up. When on the inside, it's all too easy to see things as only black and white, but I suggested a third option.

  Many couples don't come back from "on a break" status and many who do don't last long afterward. I told my sister to use the time apart to really figure herself out, what she wants from, life, a relationship and her future. In my experience, people who don't know who they are or what they want don't stay happy long in relationships.

  Well, after a short break from each other, my sister and her boyfriend spoke in depth about the relationship, what was wrong with it and what they could do to get back to a happier place with each other. I had told her to write down everything she wanted to say, because emotions are so often likely to cause forgetfulness and she did, though, wisely, she decided not to read directly from the sheet to him.

  Well, they're now back together and much happier than they were before. There are still some residual problems, but as I told her yesterday, nothing fixes itself overnight and relationships go through many ups and downs; you've both just got to learn to ride them out together. I think that's something that everyone in a relationship should know or learn and I'm sure a lot of pain and heartbreak would be saved. 

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