Saturday, 09 May 2009
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When Your SO Blatantly Disregards Your Wishes
There's one thing I really can't stand - smoking. Yes, I know it's very common and you simply can't stop it from happening. I don't have a problem with people I don't know at all doing it on the street, I have LESS of a problem with friends doing it, but when it's my SO? I don't know how I should feel about it.He was an addict before, although he told me he only smoked because he was bored, upset and stressed (this was the time before me, and when he had just broken up from his ex). He would smoke a few packets per day, but since then, he hasn't touched a single cigarette, especially not after we started going out (it has been three years).
When we broke up three months ago (it lasted three months), he went overseas to China. Smoking over there is like food, it's not only common, but it's almost a necessity to fit in. Everyone smokes and at least a few packets per day. If you don't smoke, you are most definitely offered one. It doesn't matter what social class you are in or what job you do. So when my SO told me he was offered some every day by his uncles, he had to at least take one to not be impolite. He went for a total of 7 days, so 7 cigarettes, or so he says.
Since he has been back, he told me that he has not touched a single cigarette. But every now and then, he would ask me, is it okay if I take one, just one? He still has the urge to take some since his trip from China.
Yesterday, he, his friends and I went to this bar, I guess, not in a good part of town. The bar was serving bongs (tobacco) with apples, so when you smoke it, it tastes like apple water. His friends were saying how nice it tasted, it's just apple water, how it's worse to be passive smoking, how everything is bad for you and all you do is suck it in but not inhale it (and blow it back out). 'If you chew food and you throw it back out, is that bad for you?'
I was surprised; I have been very sheltered, so I have never been in a situation where I have been peer pressured into anything. Obviously, I was very against it, so I did make some kind of argument saying how passive smoking is not as bad as actually smoking, etc etc. The waitress came to our table and she was very adamant about NOT inhaling it in, because it is equal to 50 cigarettes per hale.
What surprised me was when my SO took part in the bong. I also noticed how he would hold it for long amounts of time (or at least to me it felt like a long time), and definitely seems like he has done this before; he was very natural at it. I death stared him before he even touched the bong, I told him not to do it, and the next thing surprised me more. HE STARTED PERSUADING ME TOO! LIKE HIS FRIENDS!
All I could say was "I'm very disappointed". He didn't stop after I said that; he continued and didn't seem to have any shame at all.
When I told him this morning how he behaved and how I was not very happy with him, his response was "I just wanted to try it" and "I'm sorry". To me, taking that bong as much as he did is not considered "trying it".
Now, my question isn't about smoking. But what would you do if your SO obviously disregarded something you felt so strongly about? Did it right in front of you anyway despite your protests? Would you reconsider your relationship?
After all, you're not married to him/her yet, and he/she is already not respecting you enough to actually listen. Does their love mean anything if there is no respect?
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Comments (53)
I'd let him do it, just not in the company of me. If he still disregarded my wishes, I'd confront him about it, and make sure it was clear why I didn't like it to be happening when I'm present, & yadda yadda.
If he doesn't even consider your request, and does it in front of you, & everything, I would say there was a lack of respect & you needed to either figure that out with him or get rid of him.
Lack of respect.
I think standards shouldn't have to be broken. I'd reconsider the relationship completely.
Its simple. If he doesn't love you enough to respect your feelings, then freaking dump him. He obviously doesn't care and his internal desire is to smoke.
I would suggest you lighten the hell up. Sounds like you want to have him by the ballsack more than you care about the actual issue of smoking. If this is all he's doing "wrong" then it's YOU that needs to change, not him. You want to see REAL "lack of respect"? Look at guys that cheat on their girlfriends, go to strip clubs and look at loads of porn behind their backs, get into serious debt, etc.
I would reconsider my relationship if the offense were something serious. However, considering that smoking is serious to you, i think you should reevaluate that stance because there are much worse things in the world.
cry ...
You sound just like an angry mother would with her son.
I don't know ... I'd talk to him and tell him that you really don't like it, and it's bothering you. :/ Maybe he doesn't understand that it's really troublesome for you.
Is smoking a dumpping offence?
All I can say is trying to force your boyfriend into doing something he doesn't want to do... no good will come of it. Learn to persuade not demand things from others... good luck. 
I don't want a puppy when I marry, I want a man. If we disagree strongly on something then it's probably very important to both of us. So my asking him to betray a stongly held belief of his own is worse to me than him doing what he believes in even knowing I disagree with him. Things that you and he can find no way of compromising on and that one or the other of you cannot live happily with are called "deal breakers". It's better to walk away now than to make each other miserable for a lifetime. They can sometimes be something stupid but if you are going to despise him for it then it's better to let him go now than to try to force him to bend to your will. I am allergic to smoke and it is not something approved of in my religion either but if I loved a smoker I would be able to compromise to the extent that if he continued to smoke he could not smoke with me in the same breathing area. So for me smoking need not be a deal breaker.
you need to calm the fuck down. It's just hookah which has little to no nicotine. Let him be who he is and if you don't like it find another bf. I'm glad he had the balls to do what he wanted to.
Talk to him about it, but he does ultimately have the choice about what he wants to do, and if it's not what you want, just get out of the relationship and move on.
But honestly, I think if you're going to doubt your love over something as simple as that, maybe you're the one with the problem. :/
Dump him. Do not settle for someone who gives you no respect.
Just ask him not to smoke if he's with you. Yeah i know the dangers of being a second hand smoker but he can't just quit smoking. It'll take some time for him to completely quit otherwise he'll have withdrawal syndrome. and im sure you wouldn't like that.
And breaking up with him because of this is a little petty for me...
Whoa, are you his mother or his girlfriend???
I can relate to the whole finding-smoking-gross thing, but he started doing it before he started dating you.. Thus it's either it's something you accept and get over, or just move on from him.
From what I've heard, giving up smoking is pretty damn hard, so cut him some slack. He shouldn't have tried convincing you into smoking hookah, but you shouldn't have been acting like he's a ten year old. He's a big boy, let him make his own choices.
This is your life too. He is bringing his habit into your life. This is exactly why we passed laws to stop smoking in public places. It is our life too.
This is why I'd never date a smoker. I simply can't enjoy being with someone who's slowly killing himself because it makes him feel good or because he's "stressed," no matter how "great" of a person he is.
If you can handle his smoking habit when he's away from you, then fine. But once he starts trying to persuade you when you don't want to, that's going too far. I wouldn't continue to date someone who does that.
it is really about smoking, because you're situation deals with his addiction. You're taking it all too personally.
if he won't quit and you won't accept a smoker, then you should reconsider.
well
we have to accept the pp we have in our  lives as they are, if u cant accept it it might mean u got to find someone else as ur bf. he accepts u, thus, accept him.ummm you said you broke up three months ago... and never said that you got back together. why are you still trying to control his life? It's a shit thing to do if you are his girlfriend and if you aren't... you are really overstepping your boundaries.
The fact that he stopped when you were dating was very kind. But the fact that he did it while you were around, and then offered you some is complete lack of respect.
You've gotten past the point of accepting each other, now it's time to make sacrifices to make each other happy. Let him do it every once in a while (cringe). He gave it up for three years for you, what's one night every once in a while?
(((((I feel bad for not practicing what I preach but I'm trying to get to this point too)))))
You two disagree. It's that simple. You had a disagreement. And now it's over. You need to stop worrying about it. Tell him that you'll leave him if he doesn't stop smoking, and either he'll stop or he won't. Either way, the situation's passed.
Honestly, though, I think you're overreacting a bit. I'm not going to say more because all this has already been said, but still. Chill out.
A boy doesn't love me if he can't respect me.
normally, i'd say disrespecting your wishes so blatantly in front of you is bad... but be easy on him. he's fighting an addiction. however, don't give up on him.
also bongs are not as bad as real cigarettes... still bad, but not as bad. and as for seeming like a natural.. what's so hard about sucking on a pipe?
geez wtf is wrong with these people. she (the writer) has her qualms and she's entitled to them. i definitely think he doesn't respect u and in the end, that will be the relationship's downfall. if it means that much to u, and he's not willing to change or try to change, just letting u know it won't get any better. if it's something u can't live with, u'll have to live without him. i have to say tho that smoking is definitely a disgusting habit that i'm glad my hubby and i aren't into.
Be how I am, I would have a problem even thinking about dating someone who smokes or drinks excessively. Drugs is an automatic no. I know that he has an addiction, so I probably wouldn't get myself into that relationship.