So I dated this guy for about 15 months. Everything was wonderful, but I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he wasn't always honest with me, not that he was cheating, but that he wouldn't tell me when I was irritating him, or when he'd rather be alone. Eventually, that's what broke us up.
Afterward, though, he wasn't upset at all. He didn't seem to care that our 15 month relationship had come to an abrupt end. Although I was the one who technically ended it, I still felt completely worthless at the thought of him not caring at all. How can you go from loving someone to feeling nothing at all in under a day? I felt completely crushed and heartbroken that maybe all the feelings he said he had for me were nothing more than cheap lies.
A few months passed and somehow the idea of "us" came up into conversation.
He listed all of my worst qualities as the reason to why he did not care about me. Hearing him say all those things about me left me lower than before. I'd often thought those things about myself, but hearing the one person you ever truly cared about say them out loud felt even worse. Months had passed and I was still feeling strongly for him; even though I repeatedly told myself that I did not, yet the realization dawned on me that he never did and never will care for me in the same way I cared for him.
Now, I see him with other girls and I feel physically sick inside. What have they got that I don't have? Nicer hair? A better personality? A thinner body? A better sense of humor? The knot of thoughts inside my head would weigh me down and make me ill. Now there's this one girl, three years younger than I am, who appears to be just perfect. I felt immensely jealous of her because I know that I can never be anything compared to her and how she is seen in his eyes. The worst part? She cheated on him with his best friend...more than once...yet still he wants her and will do anything to get her back.
I feel more heartbroken and alone than ever before. What can I do to ever be enough?
Comments (63)
Same thing happened to me, about 15 months, he's not that attractive so no girls around him, but basically the same situation.
He broke up with me in the month of October and he said he was trying to work up the courage since the month of January...that's a lot of months of fake I love you's and fake love in general. I broke up with him, then tried to get back but he didn't care and in the end, some mean things were said and I haven't seen him in almost a year and a half.
On the other side, I've been with a wonderful guy who actually cares about me for almost a year and a half now.
he's insecure and needs to chase.
people who are happy with themselves don't feel the need to pull others down.
i certainly wouldn't if i broke up with someone. he's not happy, and you should just leave him to sort his shit out. people who accept cheating are desperate and needy.
i sound harsh but i've seen girls take guys back again and again.
when you find someone decent, you'll see how it' s meant to feel and wonder WHY DID YOU BOTHER! be glad you didn't spend years and years upset and wasted on a loser.
it hurts but if you think about it, you would not go out with every person you meet, not because they are shit, but b/c you don't click. it's nice when they are honest and just say that though.
i had one guy tell me, 'well, I just didn't feel that connection,'
it hurt for a night. but then it was so nice to just know.
good luck. keep up your standards, never becomelike him and uncaring. it makes for a shallow world
"Now, I see him with other girls and I feel physically sick inside."
I always have this feeling.
"The worst part? She cheated on him with his best friend...more than once...yet still he wants her and will do anything to get her back. "
He sounds like a fuckin loser to me. Do you really want to be with someone so spineless?
@stephyju2517@xanga - I get that with my ex too... His ex girlfriend is dateing my boyfriends' friend now.. but she still has pictures of them together on her facebook, it fuckin kills me to see them, and there not together anymore. I think its because they dated so soon after we broke up. I dunno. I secretly hate her, but she's too nice to be a bitch to. lol.
What can I do to ever be enough?
There is absolutely nothing you need to change. You are enough! When it's the right guy he won't give you a laundry list of reasons why he doesn't care about you or like you. Don't change yourself for this guy so unworthy of your affection.
Babe, I know how you feel.
It's as if you put everything into something and you're left with nothing. Then you question every single thing that you did, say or didn't do to the point where none of it makes sense anymore. -As if your everything..means nothing to someone else.
All of us are going to tell you that "You deserve better". But the real feat lies in whether or not you believe it.
-It took me 4 years to get over the situation, not the guy.
~ I wish you all the best because it's not something that you easily get over.
My friend sent me this a while ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXTf-F3SEB4
(He's a little rough around the edges, but it all makes perfect sense)
The first thing you have to do to "be enough" is realize that he was a douchebag for toying with your emotions for over a year and never really being honest with you, and then you need to realize that you already have everything you need and you shouldn't change for some guy.
I'm a happy person, and am about to graduate with a psychology degree, and I can't help but agree with people before me: He has stuff to sort out, he's insecure, he's unhappy, and you should be really thankful that you didn't waste any more of your time on him.
If he was happy with himself he would have never put you down. That's it. Happy people don't put others down, they build others up. I can't imagine what kind of insecurities this guy must have, to present you with a list of things he didn't like about you. If he had issues with you, he should have stated it while in the relationship. Once it's over, it's over. (Unless you asked him why he broke up with you....)
All you can really do is make sure that you don't get into a relationship like this again, and trust your instincts. You mentioned here that you had a "nagging feeling" that he wasn't always being honest with you. In the future, trust that feeling. And demand honesty in the relationship. If the guy isn't willing to give that honesty, move on to someone who will. Don't settle just because there is mutual interest. Mutual interest is only a strong enough glue if the relationship is equitable. You have to find someone who puts as much into the relationship as you do. Life is too short to settle.
It's not YOU who needs to change, it's people like your loser ex.
You're good enough!
He's slow!
I totally understand how you feel. I think my ex and I had a similar situation and I was really heartbroken in the end. But he wasn't that cruel but it did seem that his feelings for me really just disappeared out of nowhere. I think you need to have get some space away from him. You can't let your mind wander to him. You have to take care of yourself first. All those qualities he listed? Don't worry about it. We all have flaws. Right now just concentrate on yourself. Concentrate on doing things that will make you feel as if you improved. Try something new. Go to the gym. Any small changes you can handle to show yourself you are better without him will help.
Him calling you out on all of your worst qualities is his way of making himself feel better that hes not good enough for you. Its the mentality of a bully. You want him still because hes making it seem like hes happy. He wants that girl because she doesn't want him. You want him because he doesn't really want you. He is immature and you are better off.
i guess we human beings tend to fall in love with the people who always hurt us.
and i hate that.
why do guys never seemed to care? /:
anw dont worry.
im sure you will find someone better who would care for you.
Well, as you said he listed the things why he couldn't care for you, so stop asking yourself what those girls have that you don't. Are those things that bad? Are you sure you love and want this guy? Or is it just the bitter feeling of not having what you want? My advice is to go out and find someone, even if it's to forget this guy. I know this isn't nice, but it worked for me. Bad part is that you might ending up hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.
On the other hand, he should've talked to you about those things and together maybe you could work them out, but I think he's a coward ...
I agree with the people before me--It's not you that needs to change, it's him. He probably put you down in all those ways because he was insecure and doing so made him feel better about himself.
And as proof that he's insecure and unhappy with himself, you can look at the fact that he'd go back to a cheater, and not just any cheater... It was his BEST FRIEND. Clearly he doesn't have a whole lot of self worth and probably took that out on you while you were still in a relationship with him. After all, you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. And it seems rather obvious that he doesn't love himself.
move on. he's not worth it.
He *really* is not worth your time or energy. He's the one at fault, not you. You don't have to measure up to his standards, just your own.
why are you even talking to him still?
that sucks, but there are a lot of jerks out there, and you just gotta move on.
those are just the worst kind of guy .
i just forgive, forget, and move on . to better :)@rebelmug@xanga - Couldnt have said it any better myself. Live up to your own standards. You don't need to raise or lower them for someone.
It's easier said than done, but it's really based on your own points of views. You have thought of those things yourself, might have leaked from your mouth to his ears, and he might have used those to his advantage to bring your self esteem down. Most of people's insecurities are not known to the world so unless you told him, he might not have known.
If you view him as a total jerk off, which he is by the way for even bringing up the subject of your relationship when it's been over with a long time ago, and putting you down, then you will get over him soon. You shouldn't worry about why you weren't good enough. You should wonder what the hell you were doing with that guy anyway.
Face it, some relationships aren't meant to be. Most people who posted on datingish.com have had bad and/or unhealthy relationships. Hopefully that was your first and last unhealthy relationship. You may have to work on your own insecurities before you bring it to a new relationship.
It's not really up to the comments here to decide what you should do, because none of us know if you want to still go out with him, or forget about him...
Anyway, I'm extremly confused as to why he stuck around for so long, with not much to show that was even your good qualities (leads me to think he was cheating, or fooling around on the side, but eh). If you want to forget him, it is that simple, just forgetting him, ignore any BS that you may have learned from anybody or yourself that "It isn't that simple!"...comments like that are people who want to forget instantly, it. does. not. work. that. way. If anything, its gonna take more months to forget about him, you just have to accept that fate, and it will be easier as it goes.
If you want to steal him back, well...your a fool then ^^ and I have no advice for that, sorry.
(Btw, he, in some shape or form, misses you even the tiniest bit, to have remembered all of those "bad" qualities about you...things like that, I would forget).
Some guys are idiots... like him. You deserve better ... really. The guy and the girl in a relationship are supposed to love each other equally, but for me, I've always felt that the guy should love the girl a bitt more.
Every girl deserved their Prince Charming. I'm glad that you were able to see what a jerk he is and hopefully you will be able to move on. :)
He's not worth it. I've been in this situation before.
IF you could be with him again, it would be worse than before. You have to forget him, and somebody amazing will find you.
If you don't just forget about him and move on with your life, the perfect person could walk right past you and you wont even know it
guys are weird... some of them will fall head over heels for you, no matter what's wrong with you, he will still love you and want you back so much.
then there are guys that want nothing to do with you, usually in love with a girl you feel is subpar to you but they still love her...
you just have find the guys that love you and love them back and forget about the guys that don't want to give you the time of day. ^_^
good luck! you're probably a very wondeful person, and you just need to find someone that sees that.