Wednesday, 06 May 2009
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How Do You Give Love Advice to Someone Who Won't Listen?
My best friend is constantly ranting to me about her troubles with this boy that she has been seeing (on/off) for almost a year now and it's getting a little repetitive. It always begins with her crying to me about how he's such a jerk because he didn't do something she wanted him to do or he didn't respond the way she expected him to. I then comfort her and spit out the honest truth about how he is a total jerk and that she needs to swallow her feelings and think with her head. Then, for a slight moment, she nods in agreement and promises to cut relations and contacts with him. My best friend then cuts any form of communication with him but then reconnects with him in about a week and the cycle starts all over again. I'm sure you get the picture and know exactly what's happening.
So then she's caught in this never ending cycle of happiness/unhappiness. My comments to her get more and more bitter but the same thing happens again. I know that she is totally in love with this guy, and yeah sure, all the Disney songs claim that you need to follow your heart, but in all honesty, what does your heart know? There are times in your life where you need to make decisions with your brain and figure out what is right and what is wrong despite what your heart is telling you. You may agree or disagree with this observation, and that's fine because ultimately, I'm in slight disagreement with this observation, too.
I realized that despite what I'm saying to my friend, her decision to go back is not exactly dumb, because we all do it. Even I am a hypocrite and go against my own will and fall into the cycle, too.
Have you ever been caught in the cycle of happiness/unhappiness? If you were, how did you get out? Also, how do you deal with a friend who asks you for advice and ignores it?
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About the Author
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- From: Lawkid
- About Me: "We live and learn that even love is not free."
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Comments (34)
Why would you give it in the first place?
Why would somebody who doesn't listen care?
Why? Why? Why?
There's no reason to give it. So there's really no "how" is there?
Brainwash them. Done deal.
Some people aren't ready to date or to be with people to this level. Make her understand that first. She doesn't have to be with him.
Help her understand, don't give her advice. For now, just get her out.
People don't ask me for advice. I'm use to it.
I've been in this situation exactly. If she won't listen, you are better off leaving her in the cold, so she can get the message of how crazy she is driving herself by complaining all the time to a person who has heard it before. Frankly, you are better off leaving her where she stands, so she can get the message. You will be a great friend for leaving her to figure out who is really annoying between her boyfriend and her constantly trying to vent and stay inside a relationship. This way, she can effectively take the advice you have been stressing to her for so long.
If it is okay, for Musical Mondays, you should put up Big D and The Kids Table's "She Won't Ever Figure it Out", which talks about this exact situation.
You get hurt enough often enough AND you know that someone will understand your hurt and be that shoulder to cry on and you will eventually break free... HOPEFULLY. There are however some people - usually ones with a history of being abused - that will feed on cycles of misery and happiness. Those ones require professional counselling to break free. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you if you're trying to fill in for a professional, but only you will know the answer to that one. So what do you think? Does she need professional help or not? If she does, you should just tell her that and then apologetically back your way out of her problems. She needs to realize they're a problem in order to deal with them.
There comes a time when you just have to say I don't know what to tell you anymore. I'm your friend I'll always be here but I can't do anything more than that.
She'll learn....we all go through it and we always do learn.
eh. i was in this scenario. i just stopped caring after he hurt me one to many times. i cut off all communication and just started talking to other people who made me feel good to preoccupied my mind and eventually i found happiest and found i liked being with the other guy more and just slowly stopped talking to him , even tho i never forgot about him . i just thought about the bad memories so i didn't want to go back.
I got into a cycle that was simliar. Every year in August it was the same: he ignored me and we broke up for a few weeks before reuiniting in love, more than ever before. What changed my mind last August was that he cheated. I figured that was coming, in all the years we were together, but I didn't totally let go until he actually did it. So until the boundary for your friend's tolerance with this guy is totally crossed, she probably won't do anything to end it.
As for you, ignore it. I know she's your friend and everything, but you've already been the dumping ground this whole time. Simply let her know that you've offered your advice/opinion a number of times without changing it, and that it won't change, so she should probably ask somebody else for advice. Definitely comfort her if she's upset... Just don't get into it, ya know? I've been having the same problem with my best friend for a long time. I know she won't listen, so I just keep my mouth shut (unless she's really begging for it or something).
@XxWiltedRosexX@xanga - excellent advice, but I'd take it just a step further and remove the 'I'll always be here for you" part.
Usually people in this situation do know what is wrong and how to fix it, they just don't want to. They are either doing one of two things-they want to prolong the drama as much as possible and seeking redemption for their foolish behaviour, or two, they do need help to end things, but they just don't have the will power.
I have found cutting that person off from me once the cycle begins again has a profound and very positive effect-for me. There is only so much self destruction I can be witness to before it drags me down. It is amazing how people can find the courage to change themselves when they don't have an audience...sometimes it takes awhile tho.Good luck!
@k8tthelate@xanga - I agree. That's what I meant. Like I'll be your friend but right now it's too much kinda deal. I mean if my girlfriends were goin' through some stuff or had an emergency I would have their back no matter what...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
@XxWiltedRosexX@xanga - it makes perfect sense!
ehhh im in this situation. i constantly am fighting with my bf about stupid stuff and whatever, and my parents notice, actually everyone has noticed and because of that everyone thinks im a bitch because he drives me nuts. anyways, i can tell people get tired of hearing about it and i know i should leave him but i wont. i do the same thing your friend is doing...i say i want to end it or i wont call him or anything, but i end up doing it. i think i dont wanna be alone or idk
i'm still in that cycle. i live in that cycle. but i'm pretty much alone and don't have a friend like you. i do have sisters, but i don't cry to them about my problems. i think that's why i'm all of a sudden so attached to xanga. tell her to get an account and ramble on about her problems here. it'll take some of the pressure off of you having to constantly give her advice.
to me, blogging provides clarity and insight. even if you don't ever really have anything important to say, it's just nice to get it out. and it sounds like that's what she needs.
I am one of the few people who actually listen to their own advice. I had a friend like this and it was so annoying to hear the same story every weekend! You gotta just tell her the truth, if she's gonna stay with him, you can't continue to hear about the same issues. Even though you have her back sometimes hard love is a good thing. I didn't do that with my friend, and we aren't really friends anymore. It's sad.
You can't help somebody who doesn't want to be help. Don't talk if she's not listening.
I'm in the same exact situation with my best friend. I just give her my advice, & she ignores it. I just let her make her own mistakes....that's all I can do, 'cause she won't listen.
I went through that with my bestfriend over the summer. She pretty much spends the summer at my house and every night around 3am i would wake up to her hysterical. This kid was playing her hot and cold as well as my sister and another girl. He was your typical player. He played me once before. At first i felt kinda sorry for her, but then i kinda just stopped caring. I actually started making jokes about it all of our friends did. She did it to herself. Which is what your friend is doing.. everytime she runs back she is just headed straight for another heartbreak. And i know it sucks to watch but sometimes people need to just learn on their own. Eventually she is going to realize how dumb she is.
you don't deal with a friend who's in trouble and won't take your advice. my rule is that i tell you once and if you don't even listen to my advice, i won't give you another one.
i was once caught in a cycle of constant happiness/unhappiness and i was miserable, and when i turned to my friends, they gave me advice and i took a little from each advice and used it to help the cycle. sometimes people are just not meant to be together even though they try to fight the forces. one advice that i got from them was the maybe the constant cycle of happiness/unhappiness is a sign that it might not work out, so i ended the relationship and now, i'm happy with another person who always lifts my day when i'm down and even though we have our differences, we work through them together.
I knew a guy who was like that once, except he was way worse. Way, way worse. It didn't take long for me to finally tell him to go bitch to somebody else because I had already given him all of the advice that I possibly could. When it's the same situation that happens over and over again, and they continue to complain, I lose all patience. Sad fact.
I've been in that cycle a few times before, and what I done was think with my head; as you put it in this post. I distanced myself, thought things over, then moved on.
If she won't listen, it's not your problem. Just be there to hold her when she cries her heart out when things get too bad. x.x
Don't. It's like helping an abuse victim to get away from her abuser. You're better off talking to a wall. Don't assume that everybody needs to fall in love to be happy.
i have been giving advice to a friend lately about this same thing, i keep telling her if this is a constant problem just leave. because at the end of the day if you do end up marrying this jackass he will be like this and your marriage is doomed!
your relationship reflects on what your marriage may look like, so if it looks bad, change something and if you can't then get out of it before its too late!
when i was in a cycle myself i dont ask for advice because i know it is my own stupidity for being in this happiness/unhappiness cycle and the more you bug the people around you the more they dislike you. so work it out yourself or ask for advice once or twice and take those advice in yourself as much as possible!
I guess you could say I was caught up in a cycle of sorts. I was caught up in a cycle of thinking I loved this guy, but truth be told he was never one bit interested, not even the first time we dated. Everybody kept telling me that he wasn't that into me, and while I knew that deep down, I refused to give up for the longest time. Then one day, all on my own, I got sick of it and moved onto someone else. I haven't looked back since and regretted that decision.
Personally, I don't think there is anything you're going to be able to say or really do that will get her to dump him on a more permanent basis. She has to realize and fully accept that he and her aren't working, and she has to do it herself. She knows he isn't healthy for her, but she's so caught up in her feelings for him that she can't give him up completely right now. She has to realize that nothing she does or says, or lack thereof, is going to change anything in that relationship and that the only thing she can do for herself is to get out of that relationship.
I hate it when people don't listen to my advice...they always end up hurt then come back running expecting me to comfort them. There's no point on giving the adivice to these people except for the comfort of being able to say I TOLD YOU SO! Eventually they will learn you are smarter than them and things will be well.
my goodness. i know how you feel!
you've tried your best,
it's really her life, there's not much you can do.
just be there for her.
I think it takes some time to really realize what you/your friend may be putting yourself/herself through...
What I did was give myself a goal and follow through with it. Stick to it and just remind yourself, happiness starts with being happy with yourself and with what you've already got, not with what you want.