Monday, 04 May 2009
-
My Boyfriend's Ex is Getting Too Close and I'm Going Crazy!
I've always been the jealous type, but when it came to this particular "ex" of my boyfriend's (I say "ex" because they were never really official but they dated for about 4 years), I never saw her as a threat. I'd always known that since the time we started dating that he was over her and that it was she who still pined for him. It's been almost a year and a half since my boyfriend and I have started going out and two years since their "breakup". They started talking again a little after we started dating, but then there was a long period of no communication because she would bring up the circumstances of the breakup, which led him to stop speaking to her. They started talking again but stopped again because she did the same thing.They're talking now and it seems to me that they talk regularly. It's all through AIM; they haven't hung out as far as I know. Sometime towards the end of last year, she got a boyfriend and from her MySpace and Facebook (because I'm nosy like that), she's really reeeeeeally happy with him. So, I shouldn't worry, right?
But then I wouldn't be putting this post up on Datingish, would I?
I just recently noticed that they've on each other's Top Friends list on MySpace. On my boyfriend's band MySpace, she's only one other person below me! And on her MySpace, both he and his band are at her bottom two. I recently joined Twitter and I noticed that she was the "followed" and "follower". I'm number 4! She has his band featured on her Facebook profile page and her comments are riddled all over his page! It's enough to drive a possessive girlfriend nuts!
My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, an issue that we, for the most part, have worked through. I still have some trust issues but in regards to her, I've always completely trusted him because I believed he was being honest when he told me that he had no feelings like that whatsoever. But her face and her name popping up almost everywhere on the Internet where he is has made me a little bit paranoid. I would still believe him if he told me now that he doesn't feel for her that way but I've started wondering if it's something that he hasn't even realized himself. Or, maybe he doesn't like her now but he might start liking her a few months down the line. They have so much in common as opposed to my boyfriend and I who are more different than alike. In fact, one thing about the girl that he cheated on me with was that she had a lot in common with him as well. From what I know about her, she seems like she should have been the perfect girl for him but things just didn't work out that way.
However, for now, he doesn't seem to be interested in her. But I wonder if his acts of friendship and unintentionally leading her on. For whatever reason he put her in his Top Friends for, she might have interpreted as something it was not. You know how people get with unrequited love. I might be wrong and maybe she doesn't have feelings for him, but I've been trying to ignore this yucky feeling in my stomach and it's so strong that I really feel that she's up to something.
The way she parades around her love for her boyfriend all over her Facebook makes me wonder if she does it in an attempt to make my boyfriend jealous or rub it in his face that she's "moved on". I really don't believe that she's moved on from him, though. I know this sounds silly but from my experience I've found this quote from Charlotte of Sex & The City to be quite true: "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them." It hasn't quite yet been half the time they were together yet so I still have my doubts.
I wonder if I'm just being paranoid and making something out of nothing, but she's just all over the place! Next month, they're even going to a concert of one of their favorite bands. She got two tickets but couldn't find anyone to go (she didn't want to bring her boyfriend because he's not a fan) so he's going with her. They're going to be spending a whole day together to go listen to a band that played a big part in their relationship. He already assured me that he would not anything happen but the closer to that day it gets and the more I see of her in cyberspace, the more I want to punch her. I keep thinking that she's going to talk about their relationship and that something might happen; I don't put anything past her, really.
So, what should I do? Do I talk to him about it and risk making myself look like the bad guy? What can he really do about it? I would never ask him to not be friends with her, but I want him to at least understand why I would think she still has feelings for him. Or do I just keep trying to ignore this gut feeling of mine and let this blow over? I'm sure that if she did try something, he'd reject her and he might even stop being friends with her on his own. What would you do?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Nowie
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2499 Comments: 0 71 View all posts by Nowie
Comments (75)
this is pretty tough. you don't want to look super controlling but i can imagine that driving you a little crazy. idk the harm in bringing it up to him, but if she's happy with her boyfriend and he's happy with you i think you're in the clear.
HECK NO girl.
That concert is a HUGE mistake. That is such a bad idea. Do NOT let him go. That is a date whether he wants to admit it or not.
My boyfriend always leads me to think of things in the other person's shoes. So let your boyfriend do the same thing! Make up a situation and tell him that this one guy you were into but it didn't quite work out with wants to go out with you, but there's nothing there of course... and see if he gets just the least bit irked. Of course he will. You're his girl but if he does it, it's okay.
Just because she has a boyfriend does not make her behavior acceptable. Nor should you tolerate your boyfriend's escapades. He should be spending time with you, not her.
And just so you know, I have been in your shoes. I let my ex hang out with this girl, Meghan... Mistake. "We're just friends." They had kissed without me knowing it. She ruined everything. I still hate her.
DON'T LET HER RUIN WHAT YOU HAVE. Please. Tell him no.
I would suggest you talk to him. That's really the only way I can think of. Especially since she seems to be a little too persistent. Just unload and get this off your chest. He'll understand.
Nip it in the bud.
curbstomp the SHIT out of that bitch. everything you think she's doing, she's doing. trust me on this one.
and your boyfriend is only adding fuel to the flames. exes can't be friends. they may say that they can, but they will always have those memories. and those can come up at the most inconvenient time. your reaction is 100% justified.
if you let him go to that concert, the next post you have will be talking about he cheated on you and the two of you broke up. been there, done that. don't let him go.
tell him no. make up an excuse. act like you're super sick that day and he needs to come take care of you. there are lines you need to draw. and this is one of them.
Wow, that sucks. If my bf had cheated on me by having sex with another girl, I would NOT give him a second chance no matter what. The fact that your bf did that tells you SO MUCH. Think long and hard why you took him back and if it's worth it. If you have that gut feeling that something's wrong with his ex, it probably is. He doesn't sound very trustworthy to me. The worst thing you can do is ignore it and let it eat you up inside. Tell him EXACTLY how and why you feel the way you do. If he cares enough about your relationship, he will do whatever it takes to make YOU feel comfortable. You will be able to tell by his reaction how committed he is to you. If he acts like you are crazy and doesn't consider your feelings, he aint' worth it honey. Don't give him an ultimatum, because men don't respond to that. If he truly loves and respects you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy on his own. If this girl makes you so utterly uncomfortable, you and your bf should set mutually agreed boundaries with her. I'd let him go to the concert, as painful as that option may seem. If something inappropriate happens, than you'll know what you are dealing with and can with clear conscience take your heart and run withou looking back.
Ugh, I know how you feel!
Ive been in a similar situation except mine is a litttllee more
complicated because my boyfriend and her actually DATED, and then some
other stuff happened which made it 100 times more complicated. But even
then, i think its just best to look past it. If you trust him then know
that he'll do fine even if its her you dont trust. My guys ex used to
visit him at school all the time while I was 4 hour away...but I
trusted him and everything worked out fine. If he messes up again
you'll probably find out then what type of guy he TRULY is...and you'll
see youre wasting your time (if he does end up cheating or doing
whatever bad things you might think).
I had to deal with a fake pregnancy, long distance relationship, and psycho ex...but it all turned out fine. To this day, they are still friends. I get nervous when I know they are texting/facebooking/IMing/whatever. but I just know things will be okay!
i think a girl's sixth sense and gut feelings are her best friends, cuz more often than not, they are true.
You need to tell your boyfriend how you feel. I don't think I'd forgive my bf for cheating but because you did, he should be grateful to you and not go out with another girl ... especially his ex.
Tell him to quit talking to her or it's over. The concert thing? Eh, bad idea. The more he stays away from her ... the better.
@illusorycorelation@xanga - You're right, cheating is cheating and that alone shows you what sort of character he is.
And remember, that girl only has power if you give it to her, so don't let her get to you and really take the time to assess you relationship with this guy. I hate to say it but a guy who cheats once is likely to do it again.
Let's see...
He cheated.
You are a jealous person.
You feel the need to monitor his internet activities.
He spends time and talks to his ex a lot.
You are really concerned about the whole thing.
It sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. Being with you isn't enough for him to keep it in his pants or to scale back his relationship with his ex, and you can't trust him. To me, this appears like my last relationship. We loved each other, but we brought out the worst in each other and we were holding on only because neither of us wanted to be alone.
There are some serious issues here...but hopefully things work out between the two of you. Just keep in mind...sometimes it may not be worth it.
Ok. I know cheating sucks, but you can't do a damn thing about it. Worrying, fretting, and stalking doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse. Tell him you love him, tell him you don't want him to cheat, but don't waste your time agonizing over it. Just remember that if he cheats you can always pick your crap up and continue on with life.
I'd break up with him.
@yourblondeness@xanga <--- I'm with this person.
While reading your post I kept thinking "I can understand how she feels, although I don't know how to respond". But then I read that he's already cheated once. That's a big red flag. Then I read about him going to the concert with her. One or the other, would be workable... but he's cheated on you once? And he wants to go to a concert with an old flame for a whole day? BIG BIG red flag. No. I couldn't handle that. And like yourblondeness said, the honest truth is, this whole relationship isn't sounding very healthy. I'd seriously consider turning him loose, at least for a while, and see what comes of it. Have a good, long talk with him just to clear the air and get it out of your system, but don't let his platitudes deter you from cutting him loose if your gut instinct is to do so.
OH MY GOD.
This EXACT thing happened to me.
Dude, NOTHING good will come out of this. TRUST ME ON THIS. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF THIS. My "boyfriend" LEFT me for his ex.
Exes should NEVER be friends. EVER.
NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF THIS.
You are in an unhealthy relationship. I was in something similar to this. He cheated on me several times. I began to do the things you do. I was always paranoid. He ended up dumping me because of how paranoid I was. So stupid of me. If a guy ever cheats on me again, I'm going to dump him in a heartbeat.
and it is possible to be friends with ex's BUT as long as there are no more feelings. I can't even be around 2 of my ex boyfriends without wanting to cry, but one of them, the one who cheated, I can be around for hours, we even work out with other friends together.
Cheating is horrible thing to do. If you value your relationship, you should break up with him now. Take some time to heal, and then later, I'm talking a year and a half at least, you might be able to be friends again as long as the feelings are gone. Trust me, it will be worth it. It will be hard, but save yourself the tears from finding out he cheated on you with her at the concert.
Hope this helped <3
@SteamyDumpling@xanga - The guy who cheated on me left me for his ex to ha. Cheaters are so alike.
@B1ANCACACA@xanga - I hate little boys like them.
TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS.
Yeah... My ex never got over the girl he dated before me. ...As evidenced by the fact that they're dating again. A year later.
Ech. Boo the whole lot of them. A cheater is a cheater, whether in mind or body. Stop it now, or dump him later.
Tell him no!
as he cheated on you before, sort of 'dating' with ex- could be tempting to him.. trust ur sixth sense
tell him how u feel and he should know.
none of my past boyfriends have ever cheated on me.
One time it was emotionally cheating, but he broke up with me to see if that girl he liked for 7 years still had feelings for him, but he was too late. then he realized that he was stupid and went back to me. (i understand how he feels now, than i did before)
but seriously, i KNOW how you feel! I haven't gone through anything THAT serious, but the way you feel, oh yeah I know what you're talking about. I'm jealous and paranoid. My boyfriend doesn't really do much to make me comfortable.
One time, he was invited to go out with our guy friends (mind you they're my guy friends i introduced to him and they're close friends of mine!!) party to this one girl's place that has all these cute japanese girls and i wasn't invited! I was so pissed. I didn't want him to go. Because he'd be the cutest guy there (not being conceited.) anyway, I told him I didn't want him to be there (7 girls, 6 guys) --- because he didn't know any of the girls, and it just felt uncomfortable to me because I didn't know the girls, or how they looked like. PLUS, they were PARTYING. Anyway, instead of coming back with me, he dropped me off at my apartment and left me alone... what an ASS. I still hold that against him...
But besides that! that isn't important!
I'm really paranoid about my boyfriend's EX. Although she hasn't done anything really like your boyfrien'ds Ex has been crazily over the internet, so I don't have to worry so much. But the thing is, she's COMING TO OUR SCHOOL NEXT FALL. And that pisses me off. WIth how circumstances are right now, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me and US to AVOID HER. I don't know how I should act or what I should do... I might punch her as well!!! (i was laughing at how similar our feelings are for our boyfriend's ex, when you typed you wanted to punch her. haha)
I tried telling my boyfriend this, and asked of him to not hang out with her or to stop talking to her/stop being friends with her, but he would defend himself or overexaggerate making me look like the bad guy (which it would make sense that I look bad, but still!) he never compromises or sacrifices anything for me, and he tells me he loves me, and that she isn't important to him, so WHY WON'T HE GIVE HER UP?! wtf?! I mean, I don't want be controlling or tell him what to do, but can't he just do it to make ME happy?! UGH I'M SO PISSED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
I would NOT let my boyfriend go out with his little EX girlfriend when she goes here to school. She'll never step foot into his apartment, vice versa, and they'll never hang out over MY DEAD BODY. Lol. ALthough i've told him that I don't want him to hang out with her, (my GOD) he tells me that I have to have a GOOD reason! What good enough reason is that I don't trust her, or know if she likes him still (Girls will do ANYTHING to get a guy back!) and what kind of crazy EX girlfriend she'd be!!!
I had the habit of checking his myspace and facebook for signs of her, also his AIM Trillian log feedback of their conversations (HELLA DETECTIVE) yeah it's envading his privacy, but I don't like how he talks to her (it's kind of flirty) my boyfriend's too nice. GAHD.
But he's not friends with her on facebook (i don't know why). I made it possible that people can't find him through search, but via through other friends of friends.. lol..
and on myspace, he hardly uses it, and she barely uses it too. I deleted some of her posts and his posts on their myspaces and messages... lol i don't want ther to be any memories of their past, or have any chance of them reminiscing about it.. I want to KILL her.. >:(
And I'm just paranoid thinking that my boyfriend wil end up leaving me for her, or start to like her or something, since now she's in colege and can do whatever she wants now, instead of being locked up in a house during high school.. and she's cute, so it's harder for me.
His ex spreaded rumors about him throughout their high school, even though he doesn't go there anymore. Eventually it reached back to us and I was angry. He was angry, but now I guess he's over it.... gad... i'm so ANGRY. BLAH! But, I don't know how to interpret that... if she still likes him or if she hates him or something... but they don't talk anymore, so I'm grateful for that...
damn this is long. just know that I share simliar feelings as you do. I wouldn't let him go out to that concert. If he wants to see it, why not YOU buy tickets so you two can watch it? so then that ex girlfriend can go and watch it with someone else.
oh and regards to the Sex and the City quote, I think that it depends on the relationship a person has/how each person feels. For me, I think that most people who are in love or really like someone that they're with, it'll take TWICE the time they spent with that person to get over them... but let's just say that they've only dated for a few months but still like them for more than a year, then that person is most likely a psycho bitch.
good luck!
Same thing happened to me.
I did nothing about it so he ended up dumping me for his ex.You need to do something bout this.i stopped reading this when you kept talking about "top lists" and speaking so seriously about myspace and facebook. what's wrong with people these days.
Crazy .Good or not good ?