Sunday, 03 May 2009
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When He Blows A Second, Third And Fourth Chance
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two and a half years - we started dating our junior year in high school and have been attached at the hip ever since. We are both opposites, but somehow we attract. Through out most of the relationship he has been very sweet, understanding...pretty much an amazing boyfriend. However, last summer we both started college. I stayed in Minnesota and he went to Northern Michigan...eight hours away. The first few months of our long distance relationship made me feel like we were only growing closer and that distance really does make the heart grow fonder. When he came home for winter break I truly felt that we would have no problem making it through the rest of the year. Everything changed just a few short weeks later.
He came home to visit for a weekend and I found texts in his phone between him and a girl that has had feelings for him for quite sometime. The texts were sexual and I was completely devastated and betrayed...but I gave him a second chance and he swore that the texts didn't mean anything. Over the winter there were several times that he lied to me about partying or drinking...things that I really don't care about as long as he tells me about them.
Things got a little worse on a Sunday in April. We had been texting about something for a little while when his texts started not making sense so I decided to call him. I immediately knew that he had been drinking...a lot. During the phone conversation he denied several times that he had been drinking and then continued to get madder at me for accusing him for drinking. He then accused me of several things and for lying to him.
At one point during the conversation he didn't know who I was and started talking to me as if I was on his lacrosse team at school. The conversation went on like this and eventually ended with him screaming at me and telling me that I was being a bitch. I was really concerned and asked his roommate if my boyfriend had been drinking - he said yes. I did not get a confession or an apology from my boyfriend until the next day. Even at that point, he said he only had 3 beers on an empty stomach.
I have slowly pieced the events of that day together through the help of Facebook and other people (oh modern technology..). Several pictures were posted of him, all over girls, girls all over him. In one picture a girl was practically kissing him. I confronted him again about that day and he told me half of the truth about what happened. The lying has not really stopped, and getting the truth from him is like pulling teeth.
Relationships aren't supposed to be like this. However, he just came home from college two days ago promising that once he's home that things will go back to the way they used to be and so far they have. But I feel like I have lost a huge part of myself. I'm so angry at him all the time and I don't trust him at all. I love him dearly but being far away is no excuse to treat someone like dirt. Is it even worth it to give him a third..fourth..fifth chance? I've forgotten what number it is.
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- From: razzamatazz79@xanga
- Name: HiLaRy
- About Me: I live for the simple things. Quotes. Photography.
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Comments (47)
A person loses their right to another chance once they screw up when given previous chances. Learn what your limit is.
I say give up on him. He could have been cheating the whole time without you knowing it (even before college). I know it's hard, but let him be someone else's problem. If he's lying and being untrustworthy, and messing with other girls, it should be said and done.
tbh, if u give him third, fourth etc chance, he'd probably hurt u again.
if u always give him another chance all the time, he might take advantage of it.
id say give up. but do it if its really what u want
I gave a million chances and really believed every single time he told he will change and be a better person toward me. Guess what? It never happened. Right now I think that he knows he can get away with stuff because you love him so he won't change his attitude. I don't think he's worth your time anymore, honestly. I know you love him and it hurts but he has no right to do what he is doing and not even trying to change or to apologize continuously.
You don't deserve this, he doesn't deserve any more chances.. I'd dump him. Or at least have a break..
totally not worth it ... idk what guys think they're doing. why do THEY bother keeping up the "relationship" front when that is only going to hurt you more than just telling you straight up that its over? so much pussy-footing. and i hate to tell you but it IS over.
Sorry for being so blunt, but why the hell are you still with this guy? He wants to have you when it's convenient for him. Things might get better this summer, but only because you're in close proximity, but he's going to go and do the same stupid shit when school starts up again.
I'm in a LDR, and things are not like that at all. You need to trust him, but this guy is clearly not worth your trust. If I had seen any of what you did, it would have been done a long time ago. Every relationship has its troubles, but this relationship just...shouldn't be.
Move onto somebody who will treat you how you deserve. Don't stay in a relationship just because it's comfortable. There are better things out there, I promise.
Sounds like he's got a problem with alcohol. You need to ask yourself if that's something you want to be dealing with for years to come.
you said you've been with this guy for awhile but you have to realize that there are other fish in the sea! this guy has his own set of problems and you should let him sort them out before going back to him. just be cautious. remember: promising to change isn't changing.
dumpaged.
Let him go. He obviously hasn't learned his lesson, and it looks like he never will. But you didn't need us to tell you; you already know that.
when people go away to college sometimes they turn completely into other people. its a really different experience when you're far away from home and on yoru own. one of my roomates when she first started this year she didnt party, drink, stay up late, or anything like that. and she told me that stuff wasnt her style. but by the middle of the semester she was going out almost every other night and getting wasted. she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend back home and pretty much turning into a slut.
thats not to say everyone does a 180 like that. but its not uncommon either. and in the case of your boyfriend it doesnt surprise me. when he was in high school he was tied down to you all the time, now he's in college and he has all this newfound freedom and is taking advantage of it. it was okay the first time you gave him a second chance and since he blew it that's HIS bad. but if you give him third and fourth and however many more chances and he still blows them, then that's YOUR bad. if people dont get it the first time then they're never going to. it might be hard to come to terms with but your boyfriend has changed. he's not the same guy you were dating in high school. and this new guy, he doesnt sound like much of a winner and if i were you id bail. i would never tolerate being a priority under alochol and partying. i would never tolerate being lied to and used. i would never tolerate someone who didnt treat me right. he should have respect for you whether he's 8 hours away or 8 minutes away. why should you have to"wait until he's home" to be happy and have a decent relationship. i call bullshit on that one! i'm sure you know what the right thing to do is, so i hope you get up the courage to do it.
It all comes down to having respect for yourself.
Yeah, he'll be fine when he comes home but up until that point, and after, what then? When the cat's away, the mouse obviously does play...
I don't think he's worth it. This happened to my close friend & the guy she was dating just became a jerk BUT always asked for another chance, over and over again. He basically stepped all over her and she let him do it cuz she was too blind to see what he was doing to her. I'd say, get out while you can, it'll be painful and kinda regretful if you leave too late. He's obviously not learned his lesson yet.
I'm kind of in the same situation as you. I've been with my guy on and off for almost three years now. Things happen, and we stop talking but I always give him another chance. And like you said, I've forgetten how many chances it is. I've learned that with each chance I give him, he has to fight harder to get me back. I can't really give you the best advice, but do whatever will make you the happiest in the long run. Make a list of the positives and negatives, if you have to. That's what I did. I wont tell you that it won't work out, because right now it's working for me.
Just because he's screwed up once doesn't mean he will screw up again. But it doesn't mean he won't screw up either. It might be worth it, and it might not be. But you won't know until you try. Like I said, do whatever makes you happy.
i laughed when i saw the title of this...but u know guys screw up a lot...and if u really like/love someone...i guess u can't help forgiving them no matter what they do....
dont risk getting hurt when your feelings are on the line. i'm not going to say forgive and forget, but set bounderies and think about it, is this someone you really want to be with? i mean i've grown up with the priciple of 77*4 is how many times i have to forgive, but there certain situations this does not apply to. i belive you really should think it over, and if stressing about your boyfriend, having to check up on him all the time...i'd say it's a waste of your time, you dont deserve someone who doesnt give respect, or lies to you. you cant build a boat from water. sorry with my strange metaphores but they work. anyway listen to yourself and ask your self those quesitons. you can forgive but that doesnt mean you have to forget.
If you're willing to hurt like you are right now, then go ahead. But chances are, you will find someone who won't lie to you, who will tell you he'll go drinking with the boys, etc. You will be SO MUCH happier being with an honest guy who doesn't need supervising.
Take the losses, and just move on. It'll be hard at first but with effort, you'll lose your feelings for him.
Is it even worth it to give him a third..fourth..fifth chance? I've forgotten what number it is.
By giving him multiple 'chances', you are simply teaching him that he can treat you like dirt, and you will always take him back. If you're tired of being treated like dirt, dump this guy.
You don't deserve this. Dump his ass, girl!
As much as you want to believe him, he won't change. and since you keep giving him chances, he knows he can fall back on them when he walks all over you. And as tough as it may seem you should just let him go. Because you are only causing yourself more pain by being with him and letting him hurt you over again. If you know what's best for you and your emotional health... you will find the strenght to be strong with out him in your life.
love can make you do crazy things. it's good to get an outsiders opinion because they aren't blinded by love. based on what you have said, i would say you should most definitely break up.
i am deeply sorry. however, if you move on, it's his loss, he's obviously a jerk. there's a guy out there waiting to be faithful to you :)
i say give up on him, i don't think i can trust a guy that is lying to me. if you want to drink or do whatever that's fine with me, but don't lie to me. girls aren't stupid we figure things out especially with our instincts..he isn't worth your time.. i would say move on.. because one a guy lie to u it will always keep on comin and comin
I can't believe you're still with someone that fucked you over like that. Leave now. No one deserves that.
Seriously, DUMP HIM!!!!