My parents were great fighters (my mom's most famous mid-fight line was "I love you very much, but I don't like you right now . . . and I certainly cannot talk to you") and I know that's affected the way I fight when things go awry in my relationship. I've tried really hard not to resort to low blows or bring up points that aren't relevant to the fight, and from what I've seen thus far, it's been productive.
One thing I always sort of wondered about was that my parents went out twice a year, tops, together - usually with friends at least once and then sometimes for their anniversary. I understand being with the love of your life, but . . . friends! Go out. Have a good time. The house will still be here. I've noticed my homebody tendencies, but I also like to spend time with my friends and appreciate friendships.
What good and bad qualities have you taken from your parents'? Do you hope to have a marriage like theirs someday, or would you do things differently?
Recommend
Comments (33)
I want my marriage to be anything but my parent's. The thing I have learned most is communication and make just quality time between you and your spouse; get a baby sitter every so often and just go out. And if you do have a fight, do not go ot bed angry.
My parents ended up getting a divorce and needless to say, I do not want that at all.
I hope I would have a little of their devotion and honesty and strength as a couple rub off on me.
My parent's both died while I was young so I know very little about their marriage. I have observed a lot of other marriages though and I try to pull out the good things I hope to use in my own marriage and make note of the true failures so I can keep them out of my marriage..
nothing. they never got married. my mom considered me to be a mistake & abandoned me. i blame all my miseries on my parents.
just a couple of things..don't settle and if things really aren't working out, don't stay together for your children. I mean it is a nice gesture and all but if they have to watch you fight ALL the time. The gesture is a waste.
I will take everything and do the opposite.
My heart and flowers
my parent's marriage eventually failed... but for the longest time they were the best of friends, weren't afraid to act like kids or have a good time.
My parents divorced when I was five and a half; my dad divorced again when I was seventeen, after eleven years with my stepmother (two of which they were officially married - prior, she had just lived with him). If there is anything, anything I want to take into the "real world" with me it is this: don't let things build up.
It probably doesn't help that my father has bipolar tendencies, anger management issues, and likes to guilt trip so much that he's made it an art. Basically, I really don't want to turn out like him in a relationship... and so far I think I'm doing wonderfully.
@StaineD_TeaR_DropS@xanga - i agree
I don't want to be like my parents at all. They never divorced, but my mom has told me that that is only because of my brother and I. They had an arranged marriage when they were about 30, and didn't have my brother and I until they were 35 and 38.
My parents got married and then my dad just came to the US, and my mom had to come here from India by herself because my dad didn't even get her.
So unlike them, I actually want to fall in love, or at least marry someone who I already know before the day of my marriage. I don't want to marry someone just because me and the other person know that we both need to. And I want to have a more affectionate and loving relationship.
I'm not sure what I've taken away from my parents' marriage. I know I get my bad temper from my grandpa and possibly from my dad. When I was younger my parents fought a lot, and it almost always began with my dad saying something stupid or yelling at my mum.
What I'll take away from them is what my mum tells me about their relationship. Sometimes you just have to let the other person bitch and whine about something even if he's yelling at you. With my father there's no point in arguing back because he's really thick headed and refuses to see the other sides of things. So it's just easier to let him bitch and whine and etc. rather than talk some sense into him. I believe this advice is true for more than the person you're in a relationship with; friends, co-workers, and bosses can be the same way.
I hope to not have a relationship like my parents. My mum isn't in love with my dad, but cares for him. She tolerates him for many reasons and sees that it's easier and more stable to tolerate him than divorce him. What I want to have is my mum's patience and understanding in and about her relationship with my dad.
Considering my parents became part of that wonderful divorce statistic, recently I've been rejecting the idea of marriage. If about half of all marriages end in divorce, how many more are abusive, loveless, etc? Marriage is starting to look like a lose-lose situation.....
I can only hope to have their strength as a couple... dating since middle school and still together.
The thing I want to take most from them is their ability to not fall into the "old married couple trap". My parents are cool, often cooler than me. They go out on the weekends with to cool new restaurants, they have dance parties and music night (where they share music they've all found) with their mutual friends from college, and they still maintain their jobs. I plan to still go out and be the same once married, though perhaps a little less once the kids come around, but even still... my parents went out and had stuff at the house with their friends when I was around.
I want my mom's Chinese cooking skills, and for my husband to be as caring as my step-dad is to my mom (maybe more, hehe).
I really don't wanna end up like my parents. My mom and dad never got married. When I was two they broke up and my mom got together with my step dad, a real douchebag. She had two girls with him now they are working on a divorice. My dad got married to a woman, had a kid with her and she cheated so they got divoriced. He moved across the country when I was twelve. Then he got together with a woman with three kids and lived with her for six years before he proposed. Less than a year after they got married she cheated on him too. Now he's single, and she will be soon too. I really hope I don't end up like that.
What I've taken from my parents' marriage is to speak up IMMEDIATELY, LOUDLY and CLEARLY when my fiance does something that makes me mad, sad, or offended. My mother is a wonderful, wonderful woman, a saint, really, but she was also my father's doormat for seventeen years. Add to that the fact that my father is a total piece of garbage, and you can imagine how well that worked out. By the time my mother started speaking up for herself and putting her foot down, so much water had passed under the bridge--including the fact that my father had been having an affair for over six years with a woman who he'd been treating to posh hotels, fancy restaurants and diamond jewelry while my mother wondered how she was going to keep food on the table for my three sisters and I--that there was absolutely no hope of saving the marriage. And from her side, there was also no desire to do so.
From watching the train wreck that was their marriage, I know that resentment is poison to a relationship, and that if you're morally and ethically right about something and your partner isn't, you've pretty much got to commit yourself to being the values police until they get on board--and if they don't, you've got to leave them sooner rather than later. It sounds bitchy, but you know what? I'm a happy person, I can feel good about where my relationship is now and is heading for the future, and in the end, my fiance and I are both getting what we want because no one feels that they're being slighted or run over roughshod where it matters the most. It's all good, and all above-board. Gotta love that!
A good quality that I got from my parents marriage is to never get married. Or at least make sure you have found the "right" person that you know is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. But, that might be considered a bad quality. I hope to someday have a good marriage with someone that I love, not someone that is just a roommate. Their marriage is exactly what I DON'T want someday..
My dad died 3 years ago, so, I would first of all, I would say that tells me to appreciate the time you have with the one you love, you don't know how long you'll have them......
But also, their genuine love and devotion to each other, and the ability to discuss and compromise.
If I ever get married.....not sure I want to, really.
The wisdom that a little patience and understanding can help you beat all the odds...
My parents' courtship reads today like many peoples' worst nightmare... they grew up in a very, very different culture where they didn't really feel compelled or particularly driven to find a fairytale love, because there was very little exposure to that kind of idea. Whereas modern cultures and medias often breed forlorn romantics who feel completely empty and incomplete if they don't find that special someone, the world my folks lived in ran in a more structured, rigidly rational way. To them, I think marriage just symbolized the fulfillment of a societal expectation, so they consented to a purely arranged union where they didn't even meet before the wedding. That's something they've assured won't be the case for me- and it's a largely unheard of practice nowadays except in rural areas- but back in their time I can understand why it made sense; they hadn't really learned to expect more or less from love.
Anyway, the fact that their marriage started out as this blind union between two people who knew nothing about each other, how they would get along, interact, etc. is mind-boggling to me, so I think it's a true wonder that they were able to beat those odds and end up having a loving, understanding relationship that persisted in the face of every challenge they endured, including settling down and raising their children in an entirely foreign nation. They happen to be complete opposites in many respects, but I think their willingness to make it work rendered all those details irrelevant. Today, my parents make a youthful, cutesy couple who enjoy watching romance movies together and frequently talk to each other like kids. =)
I don't want my marriage to turn out anything like my parent's. All they do is fight & my older brother and I are the only reason why they haven't divorced yet. They dont want to inflict that type of a pain on us, so I guess I'm thankful they aren't selfish enough to do that to us. My dad has a bad temper & my mom is stubborn... so obviously that pair does NOT work out.
I hope my marriage will be a happy one, sure we'll have our fights and disagreements, but I never want my marriage to end in a divorce. I want just one marriage and hopefully that guy is the right guy.
Growing up, I always thought I had a really close family. We ate dinner together every night. When my dad's away on business trips, he calls home every night. We do things as a family on weekends; my parents made sure all us kids had chores and responsibilities and allowances. We had strict rules, and very regimented discipline (we always knew what was coming if we broke a rule), but that helped us kids grow up right. My parents did an AWESOME job raising my three siblings and me -- if I do say so myself. =) We turned out to be amazing people.
On the other hand, my parents don't do much together. My dad's very much an individual, not really a 'team' with my mom, which I've come to realize now that I'm older. My boyfriend is a lot like that, so I'm definitely working on our communication so I don't end up like my mom, complaining that my dad doesn't 'include' her in things. I'd rather not be too much like my mom, personally, but their relationship dynamic isn't something I'd be against having myself.
my parents are "fake"...my mum said it's cuz of bro and me..i don't think they really love each other that much...my dad is fuckenly a playboy....that's it...
i want my marriage to be a blissful one..
I think my parents honestly have had a wonderful marriage. They have been together for over 30 years and although they have had their share of fights, they always put my brother and I first and made sure we had the best lives that they could. I only hope my marriage will last as long as theirs has. My dad has always made life fun and my mom would give her shirt off her back to anyone. I think it's the opposites attract thing that has made them work. More and more every day I realize how much my husband is like my father, so I can only hope that my marriage will be as wonderful as my parents. The only thing I would change would be to go out more often. The most my parents ever did was take a walk without my brother and I. They never went on dates much and still don't to this day with my brother and I both out of the house. I am sorry that so many people have had parents that have divorced or just didn't work out together as a couple. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have parents who still love each other.
Ick. My parents are in the middle of divorce. So I probably wouldn't take much from theirs. They fought a lot