Miss AlligatorMy relationship with my best friend from high school is suffering now that we both have boyfriends. We both met our current boyfriend's at the colleges we each attend.
The problem seems to have surfaced over our winter break. We hadn't seen each other in four months, so we were both pretty excited to reunite. We had an okay first couple of days, but then things started to get weird. She'd spend an entire day at my house on her computer waiting for her boyfriend (who was in his home state at the time as well) to get online so they could video-chat. Then, after I'd gone to sleep, she'd stay up and video-chat with him until the wee hours of the morning. I felt kind of rejected. We'd waited four months to see each other again, and after being away from her boyfriend for a few days, she's spending all her energy missing him instead of making up for lost time with me?
To make things even more ridiculous, she would tell me that she physically was hurting because she missed him so much.
Then, on New Year's Eve, I had my boyfriend over, so I could bring in the new year with my two favorite people.
However, things didn't go like I expected. The boyfriend and I were admittedly a little cuddly, which she couldn't handle. From that point on, she excluded herself from whatever we were doing, despite our efforts to include her in conversation and whatever else we'd be doing. She texted her boyfriend the entire night.
Basically, I feel like I'm losing my best friend to her boyfriend. I've talked to her about it, and she keeps saying that I'm just as important to her as her boyfriend is. But honestly, her actions say something else. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How did it work out?
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As people grow up (and start reltionships), they grow apart from you, and sometimes part ways. You can either change yourself and follow them, or you can let it happen and accept it. I don't really think it'd make much difference if she broke up with her boyfriend right now, because she's still be herself. He's changed her.
Wow, I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I had a friend in highschool that pretty much ditched me for her boyfriend. I called her out on it and she says "I don't want a best friend because I don't want to choose between them and (her boyfriend)." Up until that point I thought we were best friends, had been for a few years.
We stayed friends, well more of in passing. We would say hi to in the halls but didn't talk outside of school. We were never close again. She lost a lot of friends during that relationship and she had a very hard time after they broke up. She did it to herself.
You need balance in life. You can't let a boyfriend/husband become your entire life. I'm not willing to put the time and effort into a friendship if I will be brushed off like that. I can understand spending less time together but not to be cut off completely. I'm sorry you are dealing with that sort of "friendship".
Sometimes you like to hang on to what the relationship used to be but let's face it, some relationships drift apart whether you like it or not. I don't think you are losing her to her boyfriend. I think she just changed in general.
Btw, I think the inviting your bf to the New Year's Eve hang out was a bad idea. Three's a crowd and if I was your friend, I wouldn't feel comfortable either.
So bad or so good ?
@TornadoChaser@momaroo - your friend...was ME in HS. except she gave me the ultimatum and so i chose my bf at the time because if i were in her position, i would NEVER give the ultimatum. And yes, we broke up and it was sad and lonely but i grew out stronger, knowing what i wanted in life, and that was a boyfriend who was also a companion and ultimately my best friend...
i knew i couldn't have a "best friend" or as far as labels go, because the same thing would happen again once a new boyfriend came along. lo and behold, it did. but this time it was different, the friendship was bound for failure from the beginning (that's another story). but i do not regret it one bit. she wasn't mature enough to really connect with me, and still had this HS/college group view of life; and that wasn't me. I was ready to move on.
my point is that, 1. romantic relationships change people, and you MUST accept that, and priority people change as well, think about it, who are you pledging your life, in sickness and in health to? 2. maybe it was puppy love? well only you would know, 3. she shouldn't have spent that much time with her bf when she was with you, 4. you shouldn't have invited your bf over, clearly seeing her "condition" without hers, 5. just let her be, you've said your words and if anything, just know that you tried your hardest, and accept that things are always changing.
What a waste of time, a little time away from her SO couldn't be THAT bad. Yeah, I understand that you miss him and all that. She needs a balance in her life. But people change.
But I guess I would've acted the same way if someone brought me to a New Years Eve party along with her boyfriend. I'd be afraid that I'd be too much of a burden so I would just leave or something ;; .
I think people change and that is just a fact that we have to accept. So instead of making it a big deal that could turn sour and really burn the bridges, maybe just let it be and keep your friend, even if they aren't your best like from the past.
It was rude and kind of ridiculous of her to waste YOUR time in YOUR house waiting for her boyfriend to video chat.
It was, however, a little thoughtless for you to have your boyfriend (and nobody else) over for New Year's when you knew she was missing her SO. Talk about awkward! I'd have felt the same way she did.
hmm... maybe the relationship is still in its beginning phase so she's a little insecure about it, hence all the problems being away from him? Its hardest to be away from an SO as things are just becoming serious and there are still insecurities there... maybe try to get this out by talking about your BF's and having a girl-dish about boys hah?
Also though, I can see why the cuddling thing might have made her sad or jealous or something with it being new years and all and it seems there are some insecurities there...
give it awhile, I bet once her and her SO get more serious, they'll get used to each other eventually and will cherish some time with the girls... this si what I've noticed both my friends and I do.
The only thing I can think of that might force her to see the situation as it is would be to video tape her neglecting you. But, haha, that seems over the top. Maybe in time, she'll realize how she's acting =/.
I feel a little distant from my best friends, but we always have a great time when we're together. We basically have an unspoken agreement that gives us the right to force an offender of said agreement out of her trance, for lack of a better word.
Good luck with your best friend! I hope things work out soon =].
well i mean we girls do grow some sort of attachments to our boy. it IS her boyfriend. It's kind of understandable. And besides you bringing your boyfriend didn't make things any better. but hey she maybe overdoing it a little, but sometimes friends just grow apart.
Unfortunately, I went through something similar with m best friend. We met in college and we were really close until she got married. She started to change and we did not get to talk that much. Until we stopped talking regularly for a few months while we resolved whatever conflict was separating us.
Like many have said, romantic relationships change people. As women, one of our deepest wish is that we will be seen and loved for who we really are and once we come close to that, we hold on. I can understand you feeling rejected because that's how I felt too. However, marriage is one thing and the relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend is another. The relationship with the boyfriend can end...however soon, however late. If you have lost your best friend because of your romatic relationship, who will you turn to on the break up?
I think it is possible to have best friends even when they are in a romantic relationship. We just have to keep in mind that life changes and so do people and we have to adapt to these changes. This means that friendships will also change. Friendship is like a flower. It needs care & nutrition to survive. If left unattended, it will wither and die.
It is really hard to go through this and I agree that bring your boyfriend over for New Year's was not a good move since that only made her miss her boyfriend more and maybe feel jaelous that you could have your boyfriend with you on New Years when she couldn't. Give it time and try to adapt to a new kind of friendship with her. Talk with your friend often and let her know how you feel. Soon she will be able to recognize her actions and hopefully your friendship will still be alive to be mended. Hang in there! I know it is rough from personal experience but it can be done and your friendship, if true, can survive this and even improve. [Sorry for the long comment. I blame having lived through it.]
I lost my best friend to her boyfriend years ago. Even after he cheated on her, he's still more important and never the bad guy. But the distance of college has helped over this year.
I would suggest giving her space until she learns to balance her priorities. Being guy-crazy can only last for so long. Sadly it's been four years for my forgotten friendship. But I'm willing to wait it out forever if I have to.
It was a little inconsiderate of her to divide her attention so ostensibly between her significant other and yourself, just as it was selfish of you to demand all her time in a friendship on the cusp of becoming estranged. I'm sure this is something the two of you can discuss in a civil manner in order to make reparations but be prepared to let go and move on. I'm not even certain why you asked her if you are as important as her boyfriend, as such a question should probably be internalized --- not to mention, I'm not even certain how you would react if you received an unfavorable answer.
she's way too clingy if she can't spend a few days with you without being in physical pain because she misses her boyfriend so bad.. i wonder what they're relationship is like behind closed doors. i think that's a messy break up or at least a shitty fight waiting to happen and she won't have you to turn to if she keeps being like this. i just feel like she's overly clingy if this is her deal, and if minor things change in the future (in her relationship) she's going to have a rude awakening...
@caminjammers@xanga - You're totally right. Soon enough, she won't have me to turn to once things go sour with her & her boyfriend. I've tried to tell her this, & that friendships need nurturing & attention in order for them to continue & be healthy, but all she said was "we're never going to stop being best friends, don't worry!" to which I was thinking, um, we can stop if I decide you're a shitty best friend.
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - I really hope she can get over this obsession with the boyfriend soon. It's been almost 9 months so far.
@Blessed_Enigma@xanga -
I actually used that exact metaphor to explain to her that our friendship needed attention & everything so that it can continue, but she insisted that our friendship wouldn't die, to which I thought to myself, it can end if I decide it's done.
I now realize it was not such a great idea to bring both the boyfriend and best friend over for new years, but I really just hoped they could meet and get along and we could all have a good time -- they did want to meet each other,
after all. I guess I didn't think about it having that kind of effect on her. I didn't act the way she did when she wanted me to meet her boyfriend.
Thanks for all the input :) I appreciate comments of any length!
@missalligator - yeah definitely. and if things do go sour for them i think you maybe should give her a bit of a rude awakening (if she's still being shitty). just so she knows she can't be a halfass friend whenever a boyfriend comes into the picture.
@caminjammers@xanga - Yeah, when we hang out over the summer, I'll see how things go. If she continues to act this way, I will definitely let her know about my apprehensiveness to be friends with someone who acts the way she does.
@steph - sounds like a plan!
@TornadoChaser@momaroo - oh man, i have went through that and I am currently in it. I am always there for my bff. But she seems to have trouble balancing me and her bf, so what she does is while i am with her, she is always texting and not spending time with me. (we only hang out like 1 time every four months). so after reading your comment, i understand what the issue is. a balancing problem, i guess im going to have to realize that a bff shouldnt do that and its not a bff if they do.
These things always happen during the high school/college years. I guess we haven`t experienced enough to learn the importance of balance.
I actually did the complete opposite in my last relationship. I hung out with my friends as usual; we both sat with our friends [whom are not mutual] at lunch. I was afraid of becoming too dependent on him, but thinking back now, we should have spent some more time together.
It`s a relationship, so you must relate for it to be one, but too much of anything is a bad thing.
Oh wow, i'm in a simular situation. My best friend and i were bff's for 8 years and then she met some guy she only knew for not even 4 months yet ! We're not talking anymore because of numerous reasons and it hurts to see her choosing him over me...
I talk less with my friends now than before and it's not because I started dating a serious boyfriend. I feel that we are not compatible as much as we used to be. Our mindsets are different now and sometimes I feel like we are friends because we've known each other for almost 13 years.
I totally get what you're saying, and honestly, she may get over the whole "honeymoon" period, or she may just be hung up on it for the rest of eternity, and be lost. I understand missing your boyfriend, even if you've spent the whole year with them sofar... I mean, you spent every day with them and now they're gone!? It's a little bit of a shock for some people.
Nonetheless, she was very inconsiderate... You may have to accept her the way she is and hope she changes or slowly accept that she's different now.
I can see how she would've been uncomfortable with you two cuddling...that can make anyone feel awkward and left out...and remind them that they miss their bf. Also, I think you could've focused on her more, since you and Nick went to the same school, and you hadn't seen HER for a long time. That probably just made her text her man more.
Are they still together? If they are, I think "once things go sour with her & her boyfriend" is really rude- friends are supposed to support the relationships their friends are in, right?
Anyway, I'm glad you guys are talking again. I just hope you realize it takes 2 people to ruin a relationship.
Iris