Friday, 01 May 2009

  • When Breaking Up is the Only Option to Save a Relationship

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he and I are no longer on the same page in life.

    He's 19 and in college, like me. The time he wasn't in school he spent at home, playing bass, visiting my high school to see our friends, or going to band practices. He wasn't looking for a job and wasn't considering a new career path. He lives with his grandmother, who charges no rent, gives him money for gas, pays for car insurance, lets him have the car whenever he wants AND gives him an allowance. An allowance! I'm avidly looking for work and have had a couple short jobs within the past month.  He hasn't worked since November.

    So one day in February I sat him down and talked to him about school and work.  He agreed that he'd needed a kick in the ass and went job hunting. But soon after, he went back to his old ways.  He stopped handing out resumes and was over at his bandmates' houses more, practicing for Battles of the Bands. I don't have anything against someone being in a band...as a hobby.  It's more than a hobby to him - he wants to be a rockstar.  And I wouldn't mind that, either, but they really didn't put much effort into finding paid gigs, or send their demos to anyone.

    Breaking up with him was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make. He's sweet, loyal, insanely loving, friendly, funny, and I could go on. He was a wonderful boyfriend. I ended up pretty hysterical the night before because I knew it would hurt him badly, and myself too. I still wanted, and want, to be with him. But after all my mind-torture, I finally decided that he and I needed some space to grow, separately.  He can't mature naturally with me nagging him or holding his hand. And if he doesn't mature naturally, he really won't mature at all.  It'll mean so much more when he makes decisions to take on more adult responsibilities without me pushing him to do it.

    Maybe in a few months we'll have caught up to each other.  In time, he might be ready to take on a more adult role in his life and restart a relationship.  I told him I'd understand if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me again.  But he'd always said that he could never picture himself saying "I love you" to anyone else but me, and that he wanted to one day call me his wife.

    If we do end up back together, I think we'll be stronger and more realistic about a relationship.  I miss him insanely, and get a twinge of regret every so often, but when weighing the consequences I still think I made the right decision.

    Have you ever had to make a sacrifice like this for your relationship?  Did something like this ever backfire on you?

Related Posts

Comments (36)

  • Dare2BDiferentt@xanga

    No.
  • KasumiCelesta@xanga

    I think you made a very wise and mature decision. Perhaps this will give him an opportunity to grow and become a better, more responsible person, not necessarily to get back together with you but for his own benefit. On the flipside, if he never changes his ways, that's his fault, and you don't need to be dragged into that.
  • RazorBladeParade@xanga

    Lol no. 
  • October_Lies@xanga

    I hear these stories everywhere...

  • happyobligations@xanga

    I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but don't be surprised if you don't end up getting back together months from now, or ever.
  • justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga

    I agree that when you get to this age, late teens/early twenties is when you decide your future and it would be frustrating to be with someone with no motivation. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully, he'll come around and get his butt in gear, but if not, although you love him, I think it'd be better to try to move on and find someone else who you love that treats you well, but that also has enough self respect to get up and do things for you and himself. If he was serious about making you his wife, he'd want to get a job and get an education to help support you too.
  • Dustin_wind@xanga

    I'm living that scenario right now, except I'm not a rockstar, and there's a different story involved, but its the same concept....she made a sacrifice to improve herself and dumped me...it hurts man. Hurts. 
  • Kitten_14@xanga

    I think you made the correct decision. If you two do get back together your relationship will be stronger but then a word of warning. It's possible he might not see this break up as for him to grow up.
  • charmingstar@xanga

    I had actually done that a month ago. We had become too dependant on each other, and it had become suffocating for both of us. This was causing more fights.


    I had decided to call a break to get that space so we'd be able to give our relationship a refresher. We both agreed that night.


    Two days later he decided to simply make it a break up. The whole thing had completely backfired, and he ended up in another relationship two weeks later.
  • TimeToForget@xanga

    This is kinda what happened between me and one of my ex's.  It was more mutual though.  He recognized what I was saying, and realized that this was the best choice.

    We tried to be friends.  But it failed, because I still wanted him to do better...and he wouldn't.  He didn't know how to grow up in a way that was a little more responsible.  Simply put...good luck trying to be friends with him, or ever getting back together with him.
  • ichigo705@xanga

    I went through a similar situation, also. My ex was going through a lot of personal struggles and they outweighed our relationship heavily. So I had to leave him in order to save both of us. It was too much for me to handle. :[


    Anyway, you made the right choice. This will hopefully give him time to mature and realize any mistakes he has made, and make improvements on himself. And if he's ever ready to come back to you, he will. Otherwise, just take things day by day.


    Best of luck. :)
  • nitestar2@xanga

    Sounds very much like my ex used to be, but he's no out of work musician, but the son of a successful entrepreneur.
  • akarui_mitsukai@xanga

    *hugs* I think you did the right thing, and I hope that things work out like you hope they will, and that he'll grow up, mature, and grow into life with you. :) Sorry it's so rough, though. :/


    <3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
  • fiery_redhead

    I just had to do something very similar to this a few months ago.  We had only been together a little less than a year but it was still one of the hardest things I've had to do.  He couldn't commit & I wanted something more so I had to make a decision.  Sometimes I regret it but I know that things would've never changed no matter how much I talked to him about it. 

    Don't get your hopes up about getting back together someday.  I'm sure it works out sometimes but in most cases, it doesn't.  Good luck though!
  • cryin_mascara@xanga

    This is a totally random question.

    But is your name Ashlyn?
  • inspireothers@xanga

    nope
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    i let go of my ex, because i didn't think I was in love with him. I love him, but not in love. i let him go, but i still miss him from time to time. Our lives was going separate ways. Me in college, him at a job. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do and mature, separately. no matter how much it hurts.
  • JupitersDays@xanga

    Wow, that was a hard decision you had to make. I had to make a similar one. I knew that my ex and I wouldn't work out because of life differences that we both would not change. Also, I fell out of love with him. I'm not sure how that happened, but it did. So I had to break up with him. It was hard and it sucked, but I'm happy that I did it. I think you'll be happy too after some time. 
  • SeiGe_Jet@xanga

    My older sibling's girlfriend came to the same conclusion, in the end they both grew.... and grew apart as well. Now they're both involved in new relationships and I suppose everyone is better for it.


    While I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, it would've been both selfish and detrimental to stay together.
  • xiaosnowtenshi@xanga

    I disagree that late teens/early twenties is a time for everyone to decide what they want to do with their future. Some people know, because they've had an inkling of what they want, and that's great. But for many others, college is the time to explore. You either confirm or reject your decision. I really don't believe in doing something just for the money; you should have some level of interest in your work. So it's good that you're giving him space to grow, because maybe he's yet to find something that really inspires him.


    Oh, and your college years are your last years of freedom and fun. I think it's ok for him to get it out of his system now, because there will be no time for that after graduation with a real job.
  • broken_angel20@xanga

    im going through the same thing n away rite now i just decided to stop talking to my x cuz he wasnt mature enough to have a relationship, n im so n love with him its hard to let go n not talk to or c him its a strugle everyday so i understand how u fell......but if u guys r ment to be then ur paths with cross again......wish u the best
  • StargazingSuzie@xanga

    I think you made a mature decision and did what you had to do. Not just for you but for him aswell. He needs to get his ass into gear. If you's are meant to be together he'll have done what he's needed to do for himself and in time you might get back together. It'll just become a dissapointment if it turns out he doesn't grow up.
    Good luck. Hope everything turns out right for you.
  • charm2030

    My boyfriend was the one who broke up with me because he couldn't figure life out....he said with me there always supporting him he could never become the persron he's meant to be. So we broke up..under the assumption that it was completely over. We had such a good relationship that we decided to try to remain friends...that didn't work, and we still had lingering feelings for each other, so we stopped all contact after a while...


    6 months after the breakup, we're trying to work things out again. So...sometimes it does happen, but don't expect too much. Good luck~
  • e_franz12@xanga

    Did the same thing myself 4 months ago now. We'd been together for 5.5 years now I'm living overseas working on my MA and he is back in the states finishing up college. When he turned 21 things completely fell apart as partying and going out with his single guy friends became more important than putting effort into our long distance relationship. We decided to call it quits before things got to a point where they would be unrecoverable.


    We still talk a few times a week and both hope that sometime in the future we can make things work again. I really hope it will because I love him very much even now but if it doesn't it doesn't. Things will work out for the best.
    Good luck. I understand how hard of a decision it is to make. Enjoy this time and focus on rediscovering what makes you happy.

    Good luck to you. 
  • Lilyofdavalley84@xanga

    it is true sometimes its so tough to let someone go but if ure at diff places in life u had to...mabe ull meet at the same pt again in time have ur fun in the meantime

  • Sign in to Comment

  • Give eProps (?)

About the Author

Tags

Who recommended?

Who gave the eProps?

2 eProps from: