Friday, 01 May 2009
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She's Stepped Over the Line Between "Friend" and "Clone"
I've been friends with this girl for about two years now. When we first met, we didn't exactly hit it off; we were absolute opposites in many ways. I was shy, polite to a fault, religious, intellectual, proper. She was reckless, impolite, brash, rebellious, zany, and impervious to what anyone thought of her - qualities that I admired from afar.About a year or so ago, we became much closer. Realizing that we had many external interests in common, e.g. art, reading, etc., we became best friends, and at first, it was a perfect friendship. I didn't see her very often, but I loved being with her and it was never a dull moment with our vastly different personalities giving us both new insights on life. But then we had a big two-day sleepover at another friend's house, and it was around this point that everything started shifting. It was more time than we'd ever spent together and I noticed, at first with a sense of gratitude, that she seemed to see me in a new light and praised everything about me. I generally wear things that hide my body; after seeing me in fitted PJs, she expressed awe at my figure... then at other things, like my style, makeup, the way I talked, danced, etc.
As I saw her more and more, she started to morph. Suddenly she was much friendlier to people, behaving toward them in the same accommodating manner that she had once teased me for. As she repeatedly expressed how everyone "seemed to love" me, she began developing many of the same qualities I had.
Then last summer came and her sense of style began to mirror mine; people thought we were sisters. At a conference, I was sitting with her in an introduction circle with other people our age, and I noticed with surprise that she introduced herself as wanting to be a diplomat, which I too had expressed as my career choice. It caught me off-guard because for all the times we had ever discussed our futures, that was the first time she had ever mentioned that she wanted to pursue the exact same career as me. Then a guy we saw there began getting quite friendly with me, and my friend teased me about how he seemed to like me and how shy I was being. I brushed off my friend's comments...only to find out that after I left she had befriended him and gotten his number.
Then another guy came into the picture. I had been good friends with this guy we both knew for a long time, and rumors were abound that he had feelings for me. Seeing the way he communicated with me, my friend concluded the same, but made fun of him for being what she considered awkward, rude, ugly, etc. So imagine my surprise when he mentioned to me one day that he had picked her up after school and they'd hung out.
I couldn't understand her motive; this was a guy I knew she wasn't fond of. While at a gathering one day she quipped to me about how his pants looked ridiculous because they were corduroy, and I disagreed and said I liked them because they reminded me of Corduroy the Bear from a favorite childhood story. She later told the guy this but said only that I had made fun of his pants, not the context or the actual comment. I explained the truth to him and he understood, but I felt troubled because I could tell that her story had made him feel bad about himself, and I started to wonder if she was trying to knock me off some imagined pedestal. It was at this point that I first felt genuinely bothered by her behavior.
She acted more like me than ever before; something other people actually noticed and pointed out to me.
I feel robbed. Every time people glorify her for qualities that she developed after this huge transformation, I get frustrated... not out of envy, but anger from knowing it's all a superficial projection of traits I actually had to work to develop in myself and that she once ridiculed in me. I've distanced myself from her but I don't really know what to do or how to make myself feel better about all this. Confronting her about it is absolutely out of the question because I don't think her ego would allow her to own up to it, and I'm frankly pretty sure the vindictive backlash would be terrible.
Am I being silly and blowing this whole thing out of proportion? Has this kind of thing ever happened to you?
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About the Author
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- From: gentlydreaming@xanga
- Name: gentlydreaming
- About Me: my writing is a few consoling whispers in the darkness... when the rest of the world is asleep, and i only feel like chatting with the inanimate stars.
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Comments (127)
Yeah, it's happened to me a few times, only it wasn't annoying, it was cute (in a childlike way).
Your friend, however, doesn't sound cute with taking that guy's number and changing your quotes around. Just ignore her. Be nice, but don't invite her anywhere with you.
*I wouldn't fault her, or anyone else, for wanting to be more like you, because maybe you inspired her to be a better, more interesting person. But it's the way she's trying to outshine you (at being you) that bothers me.
The short guy is funny.
Well, the options as I see them are: 1. confront her, 2. live your life this way, or 3. fade her out of your life. None of these are very pleasant, but I think at least the first option will allow you to feel like you attacked the problem, not shied away from it.
Still, I do have to say that there's little hope in getting through to her, unless she's an exception to the clone rules. People like her, as I've observed, are always going to be this way. They can't forge their own identity, so they take others'. However, if she isn't trying to be a clone and is only, for some vindictive reason, out to get you (let's hope not), it's a completely different problem, which would probably call for a restraining order...Haha, just kidding. But perhaps something lighter of the sort.
And to answer the question (as if this comment isn't miles long, already), yes, I sort of know a couple of "clones." At least the one that comes to mind is agitating in her own way, only sucking characteristics from others when it suits her.
Good luck!
I have had this type of thing happen to me twice. To a point that others were seeing that it was happening and saying that they maybe she had a "thing" for me. (Which I knew was not the case but still.) You are 100% right that you may as well keep your mouth shut when it comes to confronting her. She will never admit that you are right and very well not even believe that she is even doing it. It will only stop if she finds some other woman to morph into. I know that may not help a whole lot right now. Keep ideas about your future to yourself. Do not share what movies you like that are out, what books you are reading or what man you think is hot. Keep all things to yourself, yet try to seem like not a lot has changed. Slowly take her out of your life. Let her guess what you would say or do and she will soon start to fall on her face so that others will see that she isn't being herself. Getting this type of person away from you may not be fast and it is not easy. But I am telling you from the two that did this to me, it can and will last for years if you let her stay around. It is almost like a stoker!! Good luck!! I will pray for you!!
what a bitch...ignore her. distance yourself.
how Single White Female of her [movie ref].
get a psychiatrist; while our friends do influence our behavior, she's kind of stealing your identity and backstabbing you in the process. she's not very loyal.
latch her onto someone else.
how is this a DATING post?
Oh boy, I definitely can understand why you're angry. I'd be wanting to rip my hair out. I've been in this situation twice before, and both times it was just.. ack, frustrating. You're not blowing this out of proportion at all. She's basically trying to steal your personality. Though I can't say there's much to do about it. Confronting her would most likely be useless; as you said - she won't own up to it. People like her are pretty much all the same. They can't really form their own personality into something that they like, so when they see someone who others seem to like - they try to imitate it. I'd be willing to bet that the girl you saw in her when you two first met, is actually someone else - not her.
I'd suggest distancing yourself from her, in a slow fashion. That way she doesn't really notice you doing it. If she notices you doing it, the backlash (as you mentioned) would be horrible. She would still be able to mimick what you do on the outside, but she wouldn't be able to attempt mimicking your personality.
I've had this happen two times before, that I've noticed. The first time, she tried to talk like me, behave like me; and she went ahead and told everyone that she wanted the same job as me. Since then my choice in jobs has changed, but when she done that then it was frustrating. People thought that I was trying to be like her, when I was the one who initially brought everything up.
The second one was even worse. She'd tell people she hated something, and when I told her I liked it, she'd totally have a change of heart. Many people noticed her doing that. Her taste in just about everything switched to mine out of nowhere. It went further than that, but eh.
They say that people doing that is the sincerest form of flattery, but I can't help but not think so. Sure, they see something they like; but then they attempt to steal it and make it their own.
@writingsongsforBlair@xanga - I think it's because the clone tried to make one guy she was interested think she was insulting him, and turned around and tried to make another guy be interested in her (the clone) instead of her. Not necessarily on relationships, but the fact the clone tried to mess possible relationships up. I think, anyway. :P
Gee, I'm not sure what to say. She seems...crazy. Not sure how much talking would help, but it's worth a shot. Maybe when she sees how much this is affecting you, she'll stop.
@writingsongsforBlair@xanga - I think it's a dating post because her friend is stealing her potential men and giving her a bad reputation.
yes, it has happened but this girl mainly copied my appearance, not my career goals. I wasn't really that bothered by it. she is actually a close friend of mine. one time while our group of friends were hanging out, she noticed that I dyed my hair, made a comment that it looked good, and asked me where I got my hair dyed, in which I actually gave her number to the hair salon. and another time she even poked fun of my jacket probably to get me mad, but later I saw her wearing a similar style jacket! in my case, I was a bit flattered by it that she wanted to mimic my style. your situation is more extreme though. that girl seems very competitive in a negative way though and is just wanting to snatch up whatever you're interested in(ex:guys,etc) just for the sake of winning this insecure game of hers.
She seems a bit sketchy. I think I would distance myself from her A LOT.
I don't think you're being silly at all. I would be disturbed if someone was becoming like me and then twisting around the words I say.
This kind of happened to me, but it was more like a little kid looking up her big sister way, not the way this girl is doing it.
You're right in distancing yourself away from her. Let her latch on to someone else to mimic.
Be the bigger woman. If you start stooping to her level, you are no better than her.
You've got to stick to your guns and be you through it all to show that you are the true diamond in the rough and that she's just a one trick pony imitation.
I would want to ask her what's the deal with chaning her words and trying to be like you. You liked her for her, not for another you.
Yea, taking your guy's number and making fun of him is not friendly at all.
After that, I think you should tell her to back off. If she doesnt..pehaps ignore her.
I know you didn't want advice, but I hope it helps in someway xP
Yea I've been in the position, except I was the copycat.
I thought it was so cool to copy my friend, go where she went, wear whatever she wore. As I grew older I realized that I didn't want to be like her anymore, she was changing in a way that I didn't expect her to be. So I stopped and found myself.
Maybe with you, you need to be like what she use to be, reckelss, brash, and see what happens? Will she follow you or will she continue being a rude b****? [just a suggestion]
Ok...rereading your last paragraph...maybe dont do everything that i said =X
sorry ><
You are not acting silly. You are being yourself. She's the one that needs to stop copying you and manipulating your world.
It's good you distanced yourself. I would suggest to keep doing that. She'll be gone soon enough.
Once when this happened to me I ditched her. Took about two years before I had enough and left. It was sad because she had been a good friend for a long time, but I realized then that the reason why she was okay to me before was because she was leeching off of another good friend of ours at first. When that girl left to go to another school she latched on to me.
Do what a lot of guys do.
Fade out.
XP
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
I think somewhere in her mind, she envied you and wanted to emulate you. But envy is just a negative form of admiration - and so it wasn't enough to mimic your qualities. She also had to prove to herself that she could be better at displaying those qualities and somewhere in between she started to perceive you as a rival. So she began to manipulate, and find ways in which to lessen you and diminish you in the perception of others.
Her loyalty to you is tainted by her envy and you can no longer trust that she is motivated to act in the best interests of your friendship.
i would classify this as identity theft. there is nothing worse than someone copying you. i think she is really jealous of who you are because of course, you are liked for your character and you are being you. this originality cannot be changed. but she is being someone she is not.
if she changes for the better than is great, but if she is doing so by taking away YOUR identity, YOUR friends, YOUR style/clothes etc and YOUR potential partner then there is something wrong with HER.
distance yourself. make a stand.
I wonder if she'd copy you if you started acting like a moron.
I think you have the right to feel the way you do. My issue is quite irrelevant to yours, but I know how you feel when it comes to losing a friend. While you have to rid memories of you both, it's tough. It's your choice in how you want to deal with it.
I have to get over 41 people together. I grew deeply fond of this certain group of friends, but only to find out that they made nonsense accusations about me -- that I decided to not talk to them anymore. I've wanted to confront them, but the fact that it's almost a male group, it's kind of impossible to drill my perspective into their heads. I've been slowly, but surely, dealing this since September of last year. They stopped talking to me since April last year.
imitation is the best form of flattery. people probably don't constantly praise YOU for the qualities that she now posesses, because you've always had them and they feel like there's no need in saying it anymore.
try hanging out with other people, but i wouldn't shove her out of your life simply because she's trying to better herself and seems to be happy... even if it is in sort of a "copying" manner.
don't be a bitch.
the same thing happened to me.. she sounds like big trouble and it wud probably be best to cut ties w/ her.
If she's not true to herself, this "act" of her will fade in time.
Since confrontation is not one of your options, I would distant myself from her for a while and reevaluate your friendship with her not just because she's mimicking you but because she's not really a good friend at all.
just keep being you because i'm pretty sure everyone else thinks of you as a great person, and they show it by still being friends with you.
as for her, she's changed for the better..... =] think of it as a compliment that what everyone praises in her is because she seen it in you.
my advice is be careful because she's a back stabber, she's done it to you twice, and she sounds like she'll be full of drama. distance yourself, because you can still be cool, but you don't have to be close.