Thursday, 30 April 2009
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The Inappropriate Guy "Friend" Your BF Doesn't Like
There always seems to be that one guy that makes your BF nervous - the guy that is always around you, fake flirting with you, perhaps even making joking advances, and your BF does not like him. At all.
In my case, it's actually a mutual friend of ours who is really just the sweetest, most shy creature I have ever seen, but for some reason when he's talking just to me or if he's texting, he'll joke about how he "wears the pants" in "our relationship" and that he doesn't want to be "the guy on the side" anymore so it's over and such. Basically, like we're in a relationship ourselves, and we have been joking like this since before my BF and I were even dating.
It's all in good fun, and seriously, this guy would never actually do anything, but my jealousy-prone BF has turned against him and now wants me to stop talking to him. It's almost like I have to choose between my BF and my good friend.
So, what do I do? Do I cut out my guy friend (or tell him not to talk to me like that anymore or some other option), or do I tell my boyfriend to get over it?
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Comments (79)
If you don't end it with the friend, the relationship with the boyfriend will go downhill.
It's not fair to the BF that another boy is acting like that; I'd be pissed if girls did that my boyf. And I've been in that situation, but my "guy friend" really did always come onto me, and called me baby, and brought up how much he loves me, blah blah blah. And it made my real boy, the one I actually care about, nervous and jealous and mad, so yeah. I broke off the friendship. And he had a "girl friend" like that, who always squealed about him and called him all the time and sat on his lap and held his hand and shit, and I made him chose between me and her.
Hmmm...this is a problem
Being the guy friend myself, I tend to goof off along with my female friends. However, I also know my limits about where I stand with them as well.
Your boyfriend isn't jealous, he's agitated and afraid that something may happen and he's got every right to be. If he leaves, your guy friend may try to move into boyfriend territory.
And don't think you really know that nothing's gonna happen or that he won't do anything. Granted, he may not, but he easily may as well.
i've never really been in this situation for, but your boyfriend should be able to trust you, and beleive that you would never leave him for your good friend. and, i don't really think if your boyfriend really cared about you, he wouldn't make you choose.
try to see it from his perspective. even though he has nothing to worry about, it could be uncomfortable or inappropriate (even if it is just "all in good fun"). if you respect your bf, you will respect what he is comfortable with. i wouldn't dump the friend, but at least tone it down to more "acceptable" interactions... at least for a little while, to show your bf that you put him first and care what he thinks.
I'm totally in this situation. I guess what I'm trying to do is just not talk to them as much. And hope that after a while, my boyfriend will just be more lenient about it and realize that it's nothing to worry about.
This is just a case of being bitchy. I don't care how prone your boyfriend is to jealousy, if you really care about his feelings, you wouldn't intentionally keep on doing things that make him feel uncomfortable and inferior in your relationship. This is just like the girl who was constantly joking about marrying her gay best friend in front of her boyfriend and family. It fucking hurts someone to hear that they mean so little to you that you would consider being intimate with someone else, regardless if you're joking or not.
If you want to keep your relationship, you either need to cut out your friend or have a serious chat with him about stopping the mutual flirting. You're just as guilty as he is, so either rectify the situation or walk away from it (either sans a friend or sans a boyfriend).
Your boyfriend probably is worried that you'll like him one day or that maybe he's the guy you go to when you need comforting, and let's face it ... guys don't like having their girl go to another guy. So I think you should tell your guy friend to cool it for awhile (or maybe you should just back off) and spend more time with your boyfriend to show that you love him (or else he's only going to get more and more insecure). Talk to your guy friend occasionally but not ... that much to make your boyfriend insecure.
I had a guy friend like that. I knew him longer than I did my boyfriend, and I went to the movies with him while I was dating my boyfriend (i was in the 'i don't love you that much yet' stage). My boyfriend always brings him up to tease me or to argue with me when we get into a fight. "Well you went to watch a movie with him .. blah blah blah."
This guy friend liked to flirt with me (he had told me that he had a crush on my a few days before my boyfriend did but I didn't and don't like him). He was my best friend and I'd tell him my problems and stuff and then my boyfriend began to get really annoyed when I complained that my friend called me fat or a loser. "Stop talking to him then" and I did but after half a year, my guy friend would keep talking to me until it got to the point that my bf called him and said "stop talking to my girlfriend". But he kept doing it until recently when my bf got a lot of his friends to prank call him and tell him to stop talking to me. And yeah, that guy friend deleted me from facebook, blocked me on AIM and now has nothing to do with me.
Honestly, I like seeing my boyfriend so protective (I think it's because I don't really like my guy friend that much) and I really don't think he'd care but because I complained so much he tried to stand up for me. I guess I chose my boyfriend over my friend? lol
I've been the boyfriend in this situation pretty recently. It's not fun, and while I completely trust my girlfriend, it doesn't make the situation any less uncomfortable. It's not that I'm worried about cheating, it's that I don't like other guys being flirty with her, period.
I would tell your friend that the BF is getting uncomfortable and ask him to tone it down. You don't need to lose your friend, but your boyfriend is within rights to be agitated, I think.
I'd tell the boyfriend to get over it. If you and your friend have been joking like that since BEFORE you and your boyfriend got together, it's obviously not going to escalate.
Some people are just flirty.
My boyfriend is like that with pretty much all my guy friends... no lie. Not that I can say anything because I've been with most of them in one way or another and I know I'd be pissed if he was still hanging out with girls he'd been with sooo yeah...
Put yourself into his shoes. Would you be uncomfortable if a good female friend of his started flirting with him and kept calling him to chat? But he tells you that it's nothing but flirting?
I would be uncomfortable too. If I were you, I wouldn't end the friendship, but I would tell the guy to stop flirting because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Don't point this toward the boyfriend or your friend might think he's got something against him.
i have a friend like that... my bf gets jealous, but thankfully we don't meet very often now due to busy schedules
You should tell your guy friend to stop texting things like that to you. I have gone through this myself plenty of times with the same boyfriend. Even if it all is "in good fun", it's inappropriate and unfair to your boyfriend to have a conversation with another guy like that. Just how it would be inappropriate if you saw texts from another girl like that to your boyfriend. You just have to try and put yourself in his shoes and try to understand how you would feel in that situation.
Firstly, your guy friend has probably had a secret crush on you all along.
Secondly, you don't have to end the friendship. He just needs to end those comments. Politely explain to him that now that you are in a commited relationship, you don't feel comfortable with those kinds of jokes anymore.
If you really want to stay with your boyfriend, maybe you could just
ask your friend to stop speaking to you in that manner and explain how
it's making your boyfriend feel. I think he would respect that. It
sucks, I agree. I've been asked to refrain from being myself because it
makes my friends' girlfriend uncomfortable. I think that's a good
compromise. I don't believe anyone should dump a friend for a
significant other. There are always exceptions to that rule, but I
don't think your case is one of those exceptions.
your heart will tell you to cut the guy-friend out because you love your boyfriend...but honestly, from experience, it's better to keep your friends and have your boyfriend get over his jealousy issues. if you just do as he says, he'll never get over them and jealousy will always be an issue in the relationship and taht SUCKS.
if you love your boyfriend you wont care about anyone else or their feelings AS MUCH as you do about your boyfriends. if it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable, you should stop talking to the guy. it sounds like he doesn't want to just be your friend anyway.
You don't need to cut ties with the friend, but do talk to him about his behavior and ask him to tone it down. It's not really fair to your boyfriend --after all, would you be comfortable if your boyfriend had a gal friend who acted all flirty with him? I sure wouldn't.
If I were in your position I would feel uncomfortable about getting text messages like that too. I think harmless flirting is fun when it's limited to teasing, but it can easily go overboard and if it makes him uncomfortable then I'd tell your guy friend to cool it. You don't need to stop talking to him or anything and you certainly don't have to choose between them, just get him to stop doing what makes your boyfriend uncomfortable.
I wouldn't want a girl texting my boyfriend like that, so I completely see where he's coming from.
I agree with chayswag@xanga and a_single_raindrop@xanga I went through those things and my boyfriend got really protective and told them to back off. I liked it and when a girl did that to him, I would do the same. Help our relantionship a lot and made me see that the dude he had said back off to or any other was someone who really did tried to break us up, etc. Those guys were really not good friends. So I say, I would back off away from your friend. My boyfriend is jealous of guys friends that I use to date. But he does not care for ones I have known all my life who are just family friends, etc. But guys who flirted with me or just joking, he got jealous. I do not mind since I sure the hell get jealous of his ex girlfriend trying to call him or girls flirting with him so.. haha
If you're bf is uncomfortable with it, STOP. It might be a joke to your friend and you but perhaps, he don't view it that way. You can keep your friend but know your limits and stop talking like that toward each other. Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes and I'm sure you'll get a glimpse of it.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I second this.
the mutual flirting...maybe it says something about your relationship with your friend...
figure out if your boyfriend is really the one you want, and if so, reassure him of your feelings for him.
have a talk with your friend and tell him to tone it down. your friend should respect your boundaries.
you also need to change the way you behave with your friend.
if you can't figure out what's appropriate and what's not, put urself in ur boyfriend's position and think about how you want him to behave with his female friends.
How about you tell your friend that he's being just a tad too overbearing and your boyfriend thinks it's not appropriate. Then you can still have both people.
there was a time when i was the bf and my gf was hanging out with this other dude a lot and he tried to make out with her once. she told me and i trusted her that she didn't do anything with him. (we were in a LD relationship at the time). fast forward a few months and she breaks up with me for him. not saying that the scenarios are the same, but after having experienced that, i get sort of wary of this type of situation.
still, a girl has every right to her own friends. just that in real life, it seems nothing is sacred. even if you don't like the guy now, it could turn into something later if y'all are close like that. just my 0.02