Wednesday, 29 April 2009
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How Can You Console Your SO When Family Problems Arise?
My boyfriend's father left when he was nine, and just recently he started to come back into his life. Every time they make plans, his father cancels or changes them. His dad calls my boyfriend's brother more often; while my BF is a good guy, his brother is a drug addict, alcoholic, girlfriend beater and he has two kids already.My boyfriend never really hears from his father. When he asked his father why, he replies, "I don't have time" or "I don't want to talk about this" and hangs up.
Tonight's plans were broken again. My boyfriend asked me "how can my father not love me?"
What could I answer to that? I don't completely understand what it must feel like in that situation.
I feel bad, because I don't know what to say or do. Advice? Anyone been in a similar situation?
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- From: XSomeWhereIBelongX2@xanga
- Name: Amanda
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Comments (20)
"Have a beer, honey."
There's not much you can say, but you can let him know you're there for him. Whenever my boyfriend is having issues of any kind, he likes it when is just sit near him and hug him, and just give him simple affection. It's my way of letting him know I care and that I'm here if he needs anything.
Just being there for him, with him, will probably help the most. I don't think there's much you can say, because you're not in the same situation. Brainstorming reasons why his father "doesn't love him" might push him further into a depression. You can't help make his father commit a little more, but you can help your boyfriend get past his father's tendency to flake. It sounds harsh, but if his father isn't responsible enough to stay in his son's life, then he probably doesn't deserve your boyfriend's affection or time. Give your boyfriend a hug, or something, and let him rant. Your affection and support will probably mean the world to him right now. Good luck to both of you!
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Man, I wish I was as cool as you.
@steph - Agreed.
Just be there for him.
Also, his father doesn't sound like much of a father at all. Viewing him in such a light may not be the best of ideas. Biologically? Sure. Emotionally? Sure doesn't sound like it. I'd say that just being around is going to do more than trying to get your SO to talk to you. Patience seems to be the key.
@godofthelost@xanga - I wish I had hair like yours.
Just make sure that he knows without a doubt in his mind that you'll be there for him.
It's not going to be a quick solution but if he knows that he has someone to talk to anytime of day and in any situation, it will be easier for him to get through any problem
I wish him the best
awww =/ sorry he's gotta go through that.
just tell him things will be okay, and to hang in there.
and tell him you love him and you'll be there for him no matter what.
"Because he's an a-hole" would have been a reasonable response.
Really there's nothing you can say to make him feel better. He's going to have to just work through it for himself and you just need to make sure he knows that you're there for him and love him, just like laurenmaureen@xanga said.
Good luck to you and your bf! Hope his lowlife dad doesn't cause him too much more pain.
Similar situation, I guess.
My boyfriend has lived with his aunt & uncle all his life. His parents left when he was younger than 3.
Basically what everyone else is saing:
Just be there for him and make sure he knows it. Tell him that you don't know what to say. Sometimes nothing needs to be said, anyway.
Sadly. i use to wonder the same as well. But it was with my mother. and I learned that even though my mom didnt love me or want me my step mom did. And it's really hard to move past that. To this day i ask myself what my brother had that i didnt. I was the good child, i'm in college, and what does he have? I love my brother but i feel like i've accomplished more. and i dont hold it against my brother. =/ Just tel him you love him! and that people are dumb. some people arent meant to be parents. It only means you need to show ure kids better.
maybe his father had ulterior motives, and i guess your SO wouldnt be settled until he find that answer,but some answers are best to be left unsaid...
Just tell him,
You're too good for him!
You're going to have to set him straight - and though he probably knows this, firmly tell him his father is hardly doing anything remotely fatherly by constantly flaking out on him. Your SO doesn't need someone like that in his life - which is the next step. If his father isn't willing to make an effort, then they may as well sever all ties.
Im in the same type of situation your SO is in. pretty much all u can do is be there to listen when he is venting about his dad and dont interupt. once he is done speakin his mind about it then u can put your words in and just encourage him the best way u can. but make sure u keep the words positive,like dont talk bad about his dad because it will only make him mad...not because ur talking about his dad but because ur encouraging him to stay mad and encouraging the bad thoughts to be there. so if u do say anything just use your words carefully.
You can tell him that you don't have an answer for him but YOU love him very much (if it's true)and that you care about him a lot. Be there for him and let him be a bit sad for a bit. After awhile, just distract him with games or movies.
I find that sometimes it's just not to say anything at all. I was in a similar situation like this with my ex, and I found that sometimes he just needed to talk, and I would just listen. There is nothing good you can say, other than that you care for him and that you are there for him. Hugs and kisses and signs of affection are always helpful too! =]
I am in a similar situation with my own dad. It makes me soooo mad whenever he cancels on me or says something and doesnt follow through! Whats even worse was that (he lives in a different state then I do) his mother ~my grandmother~ blamed me for idk wat and hasnt talked to me either! Hell! i was here in this state doing my own thing and trying to keep contact with them all, not saying anything unkind and they pull this bullcrap on me!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I love it when my boyfriend just listens to me rant and holds me and tells me that all will be ok and that I dont need them cuz i already have a good enough family right here! =D
If he asks you why his father doesn't love him, tell him that it is not that his father doesn't love him, it is that he doesn't know HOW to love or how to SHOW love. That his father is unable to show him love because he doesn't even like himself, so he has no idea what it is to love another. It is not your boyfriend. It is your boyfriends FATHER. Good Luck
Just being there for him is the best thing you can possibly do for him. Regardless of the people who are or aren't there for him, you being there will make the greatest impact on his life.
For what it's worth, I understand...took me a while to get over being a family-member-on-hold, and I had later inadvertently done the same thing, at a later time...
If he has any tight, real friends around, getting you and his friends to hijack him, take him out and around some, for pizza or a beach cruise or park walk or something, or to DVD hang for the night or something - make life livelier without his father, as [from what you seem to relate] his father is too preoccupied to be a Dad.
Form family from those who are closest to him. It's a crappy fill-in, but it sure beats the empty-slot feeling.
That girl in the picture kinda looks like me... creeeeepy.
& I'd say just be there for him in general. Comfort him, hug him, kiss him, watch games with him or occasionally give him a massage or two... just let him know that you're there for him no matter what. :)