Miss Penguin In a comment on
my last post about how girls actually like nice guys but they have to be confident,
musterion99 asked what my explanation was for girls who stay in abusive relationships. Well, this is a complex answer. There are many reasons and it varies from woman to woman.
The first and probably most common I would say is because they have low self-esteem. They don't necessarily think they can do better or that they even deserve better.
Another really common reason is that they love the guy (he probably wasn't abusive right away after all) and they believe that deep down inside he loves them too, he will realize he is hurting them and he will change. Some women just want to see the best in people. And speaking as someone who has been in a few unhealthy relationships (never abusive, mind you), you want to believe that it will get better because you care about this person and you don't want to just give up on them. They were good to you once, why wouldn't they be good to you again?
There are reasons you fell in love with them after all. In one way, it's admirable that these women don't just give up on the relationship. Too many people just give up on relationships and don't realize that relationships take work and compromise. Of course, abuse is not the kind of thing you should be compromising on, but I do believe that people can really change if they want to, even if it's rare, and so I can see how it would be really hard for some women to give up on that hope that the person they love (and supposedly loves them) will turn himself around.
On the other hand, there are some women (like a friend of mine) who approach relationships as if they're their newest project. If she describes her ideal guy in her mind, she's describing a nice, liberal, intelligent guy, yet she keeps dating macho, conservative, idiot jerks. And yes, I still maintain that most women like nice guys. See, the thing is, my friend goes for these guys thinking that she will change them. She wants a nice guy, but she also wants someone she can "reform" (she is totally straight edge, your typical good midwestern Christian girl). She is looking for a guy that is willing to say, "I will give up smoking, drinking and sex for you. And even though my natural inclination is to be a macho jerk, I will change for you and become Prince Charming."
In her mind, I think that was how she viewed love - someone completely changing just for you. Obviously, she hasn't had a very successful dating life, although I think her last relationship may have snapped her out of it a bit and the guy she recently started dating seems to actually be a decent guy.
Why girls stay in abusive relationships is an incredibly complex issue. But it definitely can't be boiled down to "girls like jerks" or "girls never go for nice guys". That's just silly and way too reductive.
And I'll finish by saying that I got back together with my ex (officially) recently. Our first time around was a really unhealthy relationship, and so I was really hesitant to get back together with him. But he has demonstrated that he is trying really hard to change and thus far he has been downright amazing for the most part. And on the rare occasion he starts to relapse into the stubborn, selfish jerk that he was, I call him on it right away and he fixes it. People can change. And yes, I am worried that it's only temporary and I'm being stupid for getting back together with him. But I also learned a lot from our last relationship (and since then) and I think I now have the strength and confidence to dump his ass if he doesn't treat me as well as I deserve to be treated (and I do deserve to be treated well).
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i was in an unhealthy relationship for awhile with this guy who everybody thought was just the perfect boyfriend. except when we were together we argued nonstop and he always thought i was irrational and would just ignore me, and then he'd come back a few days later and apologize, and we'd replay that situation over and over again.
i finally vented so much to one of my guy friends that he persuaded me to just leave and then i dated him. that one worked out okay, except we had a distance issue because he's going to college in florida in the fall and we both just decided that it wasn't going to work.
Females can be the abusive ones too. Men can be abused.
"baby i'm sorry i love you i wanna be with you forever"
....fail
Also, love is blind. You can't see any of their faults even after you've known them for a while. Your love overshadows any inconvenience caused by their weaknesses. Someone who is in love is blind to anything else, especially someone's faults.
I just wanted to comment about your friend, Miss Penguin: If she's Christian (and I don't doubt that she is), she should know that someone should only change for himself/herself with God's help, and NOT for someone else (i.e. her, in this context). Changing for someone else will most probably end in failure.
This should be generalized. Anyone can be abused in a relationship and stay.
You forget the things like culture. Some people can't leave, in particular women, because there are severe social stigmas in some places when you leave a relationship. There's also the economic factor, where someone can't leave because they don't have the means to do so financially, and then there's fear; people can be scared and threatened to stay and leaving can result in a total Sleeping With The Enemy situation.
Yeah, I was in a nasty relationship. Borderline emotionally abusive, you could say. He was jealous of everything. He would restrict who I could talk to, yell at me when I didn't act exactly how he wanted, and pressured me into everything, especially sex. Most of his friends thought we were the "perfect couple who would last forever," but my friends could see how unhappy I was. When I finally found the motivation to break it off, I received a lot more support than I ever expected.
I learned that even when you feel alone, you're not. People are more sympathetic than you realize. :]
"they believe that deep down inside he loves them too, he will realize he is hurting them and he will change. Some women just want to see the best in people"
this was my reason and why I stayed. Also because I loved him and didn't realize how bad it had gotten.
I don't believe people can change who they are at the core, what makes them THEM.
A lot of abusers lie and manipulate women (or men I guess), as well. They try to isolate you, subconsciously maybe, so they're the only one you have and then therefore you feel the need to stay because of the so-called support, so they feel that they can do whatever and you'll still stay with him/her.
@camunderwater@xanga - agreed.
And if those girls never get out of the situation, they will be treated/used as a toy, in every way possible, including sex.
@mikeylohsu@xanga - yeah definitely. and then they reiterate that line over and over. it's sad how many girls it actually works on. (saw this on tyra recently)
@camunderwater@xanga - stuff like that worked on me too for a long time. I really wanted to believe he loved me.
i was in an unhealthy relationship before, and i regretted ever going in that relationship. even though i've learned a lot through it, i still wishes i wouldn't get hurt so much like that... i dont think people can change, unless its for tehmselves
Excellent post.
My relationship with my ex fits in paragraph 3, and the main reason why it was hard for me to break it off was because it was my first relationship, and a long one too. Every time I tried to leave I was persuaded to stay. The first two years he would always, always, always throw at me, "you just want to give up on us?" I went from girlfriend of the sweetest gentlemen (which lasted only a few months), to victim of an abusive, spoiled, control freak (for the remaining 5 years of our relationship).
The relationship was a nightmare – a nightmare that still haunts my dreams. It has left scars so deep that if I were to see or read about couples in distress, I get awful flashbacks and most of the time even cry. I reached out to EVERYONE for help - everyone, but professional help, because I didn't think I could afford professional help. And no one helped me. There were two. I didn't know them well. They popped into my life to offer their help for a bit before disappearing from my life. Till this day, I am still very thankful they were there for me, even if it were for only a few minutes of my life. Help that people who I once thought were my friends couldn't offer.
There are women out there who need people like us, people who've already been through all this, to help them. Your experience doesn’t have to be identical to theirs’.
I was at a spiritual summer camp when someone wrote in an anonymous letter about wanting to die because her ex raped her. Buddhists hosted the spiritual camp and the monk offered a one-sided explanation to why she was raped by her ex. Being a slut was one of his very few narrow-minded reasons. It made me so mad that later that evening, when my adult group got to have a private Q&A session with the monks, I stood up to speak for that girl against the narrow-minded monk. Uncontrollable tears followed each word. But in the end, the monk thanked me for opening up an entirely different view of the situation. He thanked me for helping him grow as a better teacher.
After the group discussion, half the group got to see me (if not right away, they looked for me afterwards) and hug share and me with me their personal thoughts. It was real comforting to finally be around people who cared. It was even more comforting to know that I can help others who are suffering.
I never got to meet that anonymous girl. Someone mentioned that during the first Q&A group discussion, a girl did run out of the room crying after the monk's crude remark. It bothers me not knowing if she knows that there are people like me who can relate with her, listen to her, share with her, and even help her heal.
Miss Penguin,
In response to your last paragraph: Our stories are practically identical; I had a very unhealthy relationship that, althought we weren't officially together, we kept up for 4 years. Finally, I'd had enough and let him go. A long time went by and he contacted me again, and he'd turned his life around- I was really impressed. We decided to give it another try, because we still loved each other and I could see a genuine effort on his part. I had the same fears you do.
We're not together anymore but that's because down the line we both realized we've got personal problems, and I think that if they weren't there, we'd still be together. I think we might try again someday, when we've both got our shit together.
Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to tell you to believe in him, and make sure you don't let your mistrust get between you. And best of luck. :)
Your interjection of political parties into this took away its legitimacy for me.
A dated a bi-polar, abusive, LIBERAL boy who has recently hit me with a car. I am currently dating a hard-working, loving, gentle CONSERVATIVE guy.
Just saying.
Politics have no relation to abuse o.0
M
I was in an abusive relationship, I was with the guy for 2 years. I dumped him after the third time he hit me.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
& I know the reason why I stayed.
1) I thought he would change. (as you said)
2) Because I was scared.
My mom and brother loved him so much, that when I told him he hit me, they didn't even care. I have a huge family. I didn't want a war to start because of one thing, so I was afraid to leave him of what may happen. I was afraid if I dumped him in person, he would hit me again. Or would stalk me and hurt me.
& well, I broke up with him for a few months.
I got with someone else, he dumped me 3 months later.
Then (My abusive ex) and I started talking again, I told him I would think about it. (going back out)
Within the next 2 weeks, he came to my house. Because he wanted my answer face to face. When he did get to my house that day. He came in my house, asked me answer. I told him I didn't know. & Next thing I know he got on his knees. And was like "I beg you Kenya, please take me back" I turned my head. And I told him my answer was no.
He got up, and punched me on the side of my face, and took his other fist and punched my other side of my head.
& Stormed out my house. I was sitting on a chair, I fell, I was crying.I also was bleeding, and he formed a lump on my head. (His punch was strong, I could take a punch)
My mom was in the other room, she didn't know what happened.
Reason why I didn't leave him before was because I was afraid he would do that
& I was right
Not to mention earlier on that week, I was defending one of my friends from getting jumped, and some big black guy punched me in my lip and busted it. So getting hit AGAIN by someone I onced love..Was one of the hardest things I had to go through
@x__EMuhLEE@xanga - I was in a relationship just like that. Everyone thought we were perfect and going to be "together forever". Just goes to show how deceiving appearances can be.
I was only hit by my ex (not the same one in the above segment, btw) once and I got out of that relationship right then and there. I knew he had a temper, but when it crossed over into something physical like that, it was too far. He apologized and begged, but it was just too late for any of that to matter.
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to abuse, it's one strike, you're out.
I think it's just that old cliche, really - the one about love making you lose all resolve. And it does, really; to the point where if your self-control isn't that great and you've neglected all rational thinking, you could end up doing a lot of regrettable things.
Besides, the abusers can manipulate to some degree. They exercise power over the relationship and really just have the upper hand. It's not always the case that the girl is too weak or too helpless - but the guy is just a prime bastard.
It's nice to see a rational post on the subject instead of someone screaming that they understand why all women stay in abusive relationships.
Just to add on to your post, there's also a lot of problems with learned helplessness and the cycle of abuse (no matter how many times you're taught about it, it can still happen without you realizing it).
Great post.
I am in the same situation with my recent ex. HE was the one who broke it off because he actualy realized he was hurting me (he would never call, by the end he was barely even texting me "hey what's up"...it was long-distance so that made me feel like shit), and that he needed to fix his own problems and wasn't ready for a relationship.
I told him I'd wait for him and I will. I feel that he can better himself. And right now it's looking good. We talk a lot and being just friends for a while has proven beneficial. I think we can get back together and have a healthy relationship...and if not I'm prepared to either tell him what's wrong right to his face, or like you have the strength to dump his ass if he doesn't buck up and get his shit together.
My mother was in an abusive relationship with my father and I later went on to be in a relationship with an abuser myself. The original entry addresses some of the reasons why girls stay, but I think it misses the most important aspects of an abusive relationship like manipulation, mind-control and isolation. I'll focus on women here, because I am a woman and that's the only experience I really have. It is probably roughly the same for men.
Anyway, you mentioned that some women may have low self-esteem and will think that they will never find anybody else outside of the relationship. The important thing about this is that the woman may start out with normal self-esteem but a good abuser is incredibly skilled at breaking her down until she constantly doubts herself and forgets who she was. At first, she'll refuse to believe what the abuser is saying, but after a time, the abuser is highly effective at convincing you that he is right.
Also, in the beginning, women may feel like they can "change" their abuser. However, after months or years of being in an abusive relationship that sentiment eventually dies. My mother and I both realized after a time that there was no way to change our partners, but at that point we had started to lose touch with reality and did not know how to escape, or even if we could/should. Your abuser is good at isolating you from your friends or making you give into things that you never would have given into to otherwise. Isolation is their strongest tool - it keeps you from re-affirming with friends and family that it is your abuser and not you who is crazy. Instead of saying, "You can't go out with you friends" your abuser will say, "Please don't go out with them tonight, everytime you come back you are obnoxious and you start arguments. I don't want to argue with you, I love you". Abusers are sneaky.
The most important thing to realize about abusers is the "Jekyll and Hyde" phenomenon. If somebody was mean to you all the time you would surely leave. Abusers, however, aren't mean all the time. Their behavior is cyclical and, as a result, your life literally becomes an emotional rollercoaster. A day with an abuser may go something like this:
Early in the morning you do something absolutely irrelevant that will set him off such as being loud walking down the stairs to the kitchen (Interestingly, you can usually tell when he is going to go off on you minutes or hours before it actually happens, he gives off an eerie silence -- a sort of "brooding"). Then it comes, Hyde comes out full force. He tears you down, he screams, he yells, he terrifies you. No matter what you do, no matter how many times you apologize, it will NOT end until he's ready for it to end. Finally, after calling you ever name in the book and assuring you that you are not worth the air you breathe, he has the decency to forgive you (this may take minutes, hours, days even - it usually happens when he's started to sense that you've had enough). Then he is an angel and you are the most beautiful woman in the world and "oh, no, I never meant to hurt you baby. I love you". The next few days are bliss, he caters to you and you feel like a princess. The thought of leaving is too difficult - it makes you feel too guilty to think of going when he is this sweet. You'd hurt him so much.
You know he'll switch on you again, but for the time being ...
And, of course there is the fear of what he will do if you try to leave, but I think that most people understand this to an extent and I've already written half a novel.
It's hard to understand how complex abuse is until you've experienced it. I pray that most of us will never have to.
i have to say it is not just women who get abused, men can too, but it is less reported because the guy is supposed to be the stronger one in everyway and if they say anything then they are weak and worthless... that being said, neither person should abuse. there is nothing a person can do or say that qualifies them being hit or screamed at or made to feel dumb. while physical abuse seems to take the forefront for everyones comments, the verbal abuse is seriously a harder thing to recognize/ stop. in physical and verbal abuse the person being abused feels like they did something wrong, when really they havent done anything wrong. physical abuse is more noticable and slightly easier to talk about. however, verbal is next to impossible to talk about or even really show. i have seen both verbal and physical abuse, via work, home and personal relationships. I worked in the DA office in Queens for two years where i dealt with a lot of domestic violence and always asked the victim why s/he was still with the person and the response was usually for the kids and the fear of being alone (not knowing what else was out there). also i heard a lot of, s/he is a really amazing person cept when s/he drinks and then they are insane, and they drink alot. I also got to see a few women break free from the abuse with the filing of the report and i have to say getting a thank you call from them three weeks after putting the abusive husband in jail was prob. the most rewarding thing i have every felt.
for my own home life, i have seen both the verbal and physical from both sides, mom and dad doing it to eachother but staying together for the kids, which i never understood and im going to get my social work degree and did extensive psychology research in college, but still cant understand it. seeing both the verbal and physical abuse between two parents and in some ways getting it myself, made/makes it difficult to really fall for a girl, i mean i am sweet, caring etc (all that i guess a girl would want, but i tend to get stepped all over)... one of my ex's was/is still a close friend, we ended on ok terms, just friends, the bf/gf didnt work out... my last ex (ive only had two gfs) was insecure and projected those feelings into a controlling verbal abuse situation, all of which i didnt see until i started at my current job and was being overworked (ahh law) everything was "ok" for the first five months, she was a little controlling always wanting to talk, but i chalked it up to new relationship, but as the relationship progressed, it became alot about how i dont feel shes good enough and also i think she is ugly, etc, i dont do enough for her, (a lot of psychological abuse more then the verbal, but since it comes out via verbal it would be considered that)... i finally had to put my foot down and was like either you stop or thats it, i cant do it anymore... well, i got out, but it was very difficult for four months after the relationship ended because i missed being secure in a relationship, i would have gone back because it felt good to be in the relationship regardless of the abusive nature.
through it all, i think i have become a little bit better at figuring things out, i am a counselor to alot of my friends, i miss helping with domestic violence, but i will return to that area soon. it is easy to say get out of abusive relationships but honestly it is difficult to leave them, my friends helped me alot after i left mine, even with all my training from the DA office and psychology and help in counseling, i could not recognize the relationship was being abusive. I guess we are blinded and see only the good. however no matter how nice the person is sometimes, it is no excuse for the abuse no matter what it is be it physical, verbal or even psychological.
Best of luck the second time around. Stay optimistic with both eyes open and both feet on the ground :)
"another really common reason" is the one i can relate to..