Last June I ended a long, difficult relationship. We were together two years, engaged for one year, very messy. I made it a goal not to have any new relationships/dates/sleep with anyone, until I feel I can do so without emotionally damaging myself or another person.
So, when approached by a guy at a bar/party/social gathering, I tell them I am "not interested in dating or anything right now". Or if it is an acquaintance/classmate of some sort, I say basically the same thing, maybe a little more detailed like, "Well, I really am not looking to date anyone or anything like that. I just ended a really long and not-so-good relationship recently, and I'm still not ready for anything new."
The problem is that guys keep thinking, for some reason, that this means I want to have sex with them, or that I would like a one-night stand. I don't get it. When did I say that?
Guys: What do you think? Is there something in what I am saying that indicates I am looking for casual sex? Do you ask girls for random sex?
Girls: Does this ever happen to you? Why do you think it does or doesn't?
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Comments (41)
I was lucky enough that they guy I said that to understood.
Well, I know a guy who says what you said, and means what all the guys think you said. It's just their language, maybe. *shrugs* Not being in or looking for a relationship = casual sex, possibly? In their minds at least.
I can definitely see guys misinterpreting your "Well, I really am not looking to date anyone or anything like that"
They hear, "Oh I don't want a relationship" meaning
"oh shit she just wants the sex. SWEET. Cause I don't want a relationship EITHER"
I don't think I've interpreted the statement as such. If there's any confusion on their part, it's just proof that they're after what's in your pants, rather than you.
No?
i usually say "im not interested in anything serious for the time being, lets be friends first and see how it goes.."
this is the most appropriate way to say maybe in order to not leave them any delusions lol
@Lordv16@xanga - I thought the same when I first read it. It can easily be misinterpret (and I'm a girl).
Maybe next time, try adding that you're just enjoying the single life and looking forward to meeting new people and friends but nothing more.
I can understand how they get that. "I'm not interested in a relationship." sounds like, "Eh, I don't want anything serious. This is a subliminal sign that I'd like to hook up with no strings attached."
It's just the wording.
However, the issue is that the statement itself is multipurpose. It can either mean that you're not interested in a relationship, or that you're not interested in any aspect of dating, including sexual encounters.
You'll probably have to elaborate, just to make sure people get it.
If that's what it means to guys, I must be a transexual. Because when I say "I'm not interested in dating", it means exactly that.
But I guess some men take the idea of that as meaning that you don't want to date, but they figure you eventually wants your kicks while you wait.
Just tell them you're a militant virgin.
A guy in a bar isn't looking for Misses Right. He is looking for Misses Easy. What ever you say to a guy in a bar is like talking to, well a guy in a bar.
Here's what he thinks he hears, "I am to sober to just jump in bed with you. Buy me some more drinks."
ugh. never subjecting myself to one-night-stands & never will. it's so degrading.
I guess that bothering to approach the guy in the first place and clearly stating that you're not ready for a relationship makes them think that a little ass wouldn't hurt. And the fact that they think about sex two hundred times a day on average doesn't hurt...
@coolmonkey@xanga - LOL.
Guys think about hooking up because they think about sex every three or four seconds while they are awake. It's in their nature. It gets annoying when they keep asking if you want to hook up or do anything sexual with them.
Thanks everyone for the input! I was starting to wonder if people just thought I was a whore or something.
@coolmonkey@xanga - LOL. Nice. Except some would want into my militarized zone.
@husbandofawife@xanga - But what about acquaintances or other guys that have done this not in a bar or club setting? I suppose the connotation is just the same all around.
I think a lot of guys get the idea that since you're stating that you just got out of a relationship that you possibly want to go into the next one with no strings attached, or in other words, as a "fun buddy". But then again, you didn't say that either. So why do guys assume that so much? Because they're hoping that you want what they want. Granted, I don't think too many guys who hit on girls at parties are looking for someone to commit to in the long run.
She says: I'm single.
He hears: Let's have sex.
She says: I'm married.
He hears: Let's have sex.
She says: I don't want to have sex with you.
He hears: Let's have sex.
She says: I REALLY don't want to have sex with you.
He hears: Let's get naked and have freaky sex all night long, and videotape it so that we can watch ourselves doing it afterwards.
It's just a guy thing.
@Forever_Unlimited@xanga - . You win ten imaginary points. That does not mean I will have sex with you. Lol.
@yourblondeness@xanga - Too late. You're already naked in my mind.
@thefantasticpamtastic@xanga - I think that statistic is grossly exaggerated. I don't know if that three to four second thing is an average or not, but I don't know how anyone could devote that much time out of a day to think about one particular thing.
I do think that people who misinterpret what the poster has said might not have really been listening in the first place and are only after a particular end, as has already been mentioned. My guess is no matter what you said, these people would not get the hint.
@Forever_Unlimited@xanga - shit.
When I say I'm not interested in a boyfriend/relationship, I usually just get, "That's ok, I just wanna be yo' friend."
Guys that can't take 'no' for what it means need to go back to elementary school.
yep i get that so i just keep quiet and i dont look for men in the bars cos i dont think they are the best places to meet men.
the thought is pretty logical to me if some guys take it that way, but i can't explain it