Tuesday, 28 April 2009
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When Should You Blame Yourself for the Failure of a Relationship?
I have a friend who parted ways with a guy she was really into, whom she was with for just a month. It took her a while for her to get over him even after the breakup, something I never understood because it was a fairly short one, and it wasn’t like the words "I love you" were ever spoken or parents were ever introduced.
Her reasoning for why it ended was because he no longer felt the same about her and didn't want to hold onto the relationship anymore. She claimed that this was something that always happened to her, and that is what upset her the most about the relationship's demise. I came to the conclusion that guys would become attracted to her on an infatuated basis, but then once it wore off, the guy would not want to keep pursuing the relationship. It made sense to both of us at the time. However, when I was speaking to one of my guy friends about this conclusion, he presented another idea to me.
He said that my friend did seem to get angry very easily at the littlest things and assumed that this personality quirk may have contributed to her guy wanting to call it quits. I had to agree, because my friend did seem to have somewhat of an anger problem, one that definitely turned me off at times. Then, what do you know, more s**t begins to hit the fan.Apparently, my friend's ex-boyfriend had said to another guy that the reason he broke up with her was because she was "crazy". He also said he was tired of driving out to Lincoln to see her (we all live in Sacramento, and Lincoln is about forty-five minutes to an hour away) and that she was very insecure and needy. He also may have alleged that he was just using her for sex (they had had sex before they became official). Of course, my friend blew up upon hearing this, which made her get over him very fast. And while she is angry and hurt over her ex saying stuff like this behind her back, I couldn't help thinking that he had made some pretty valid points. The number one point for me was my friend's neediness, and if that is something that I can testify to, then that doesn't look good on my friend's part, does it?
My friend is very needy. If she calls and I don't pick up, she won't leave a message or send me a text to call her back. She’ll just keep calling! It annoys the hell out of me, and for the most part, it never is anything life-threatening that she has to talk to me about. She once told me about how she had gotten mad at her ex because she claimed he didn't call her enough, and when she would call him, he wouldn't pick up. I guess I can't speak for all guys, but I think it is safe to assume that the majority of them do not appreciate being called back to back to back several times in one day. Not to mention, guys do like a little downtime either to themselves or spent with their friends and don't want to be around their girlfriends 24/7.
She was extremely happy when they first got together, and I probably should have taken that as a sign; girlfriends of mine will say all the time that they feel that a boyfriend would make their lives more exciting, my answer to that is you shouldn't pursue a relationship until you are happy in your own circumstances. Basically, don't make your happiness depend on that of a guy; who says they're guaranteed to stick around in the long run? My friend doesn't seem as happy as she used to be, and I think it's because the relationship didn't work out and more recently, she discovered that how her ex really felt about her was different than what he told her. I could tell her to look at the brighter side of things, but that's more easily said than done.
I hate to say it, but I think it's pretty obvious by now that my friend's less-than-desirable quirks are what made her a single lady now, and not just in the present, but in the past as well. Her neediness and irritability are things that I think she should personally work on not just for future relationships, but in her friendships as well. In that sense, I believe the demise of this relationship ultimately laid in her hands. I don't believe that we have to change who we are just to benefit other people, but I think it is needed when certain aspects of our personality interfere in our relationships with others.
What do you all think? Is my friend to blame? Or should we not be playing the blame game at all?
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- From: tammie_cecilia@xanga
- Name: tammie_cecilia
- About Me: Pretty optimistic for a pessimist, pretty complicated for a non-conformist
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Comments (20)
One needs incredible patience to be able to tolerate and understand someone who is quick to anger.
Most people are not that patient.
Your friend sounds like my ex girlfriend. I think both are to blame. The guy for not staying true with his feelings, and the girl for being a wacko. Now I'm gonna say that yeah she has needs, but still I wouldn't even date a girl that was THAT needy and has to blow up at every single little thing that might annoy her. She needs a reality check.
But best of luck to her. There's always gonna be someone out there who will take her for who she is.
It seems like your friend needs to realize how she is being. Maybe she does not notice how needy she is being. Maybe you should talk to her about how she is being so needy. Also I find that some girls have problems controlling their anger. I know I do, but for the sake of my relationship I try to control it and my boyfriend knows that I try so it works. She needs to realize how she is being and she needs to work on it. Being angry towards someone does not usually solve anything.
Sorry to say but the reason your friend is single is probably because she is hard to keep as a girlfriend. I think she needs to work on her issues. Sometimes changing can be for the better, and it can make one happier.
It sounds like she's pretty dramatic, and in my experience most guys really aren't into drama and game playing (or are less so than girls). I think she would benefit from being single for a little while, because you won't do well in a relationship unless you can be single too.
You have made very valid points. I think you're right. She needs to make some changes. People in life will not tolerate her shit, especially when she begins working in the "real" world. No one is going to put up with that. She won't make any new friends if she's always calling them. Who likes to be depended on like that? She may be the one the blame, but she may have also chosen the wrong guys. But her "quirks" are really annoying.
I would put more blame on her than the boyfriends. One of her ex boyfriends did say he was using her for sex so obviously in that scenario it was both people at fault.
If she does annoy you by calling you and not leaving voicemails, then you should let her know that her constant calling you is disrespectful because you may be doing something important and can't get to anybody's phone call. The next time her relationship doesn't work out, you may gently suggest some reasons why it wasn't working out.
What kind of a "friend" are you to be posting this dirty laundry about your supposed friend on a public form like this? You're a jewel of a friend yourself...instead of going behind her back like this why dont you TALK to her and help her realize things instead posting all her crap on here.
impossible to say. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer
It's your friend, one hundred percent. Those "quirks" are the opposite of desirable. Until she is able to be happy on her own, and until she gets a hold on herself, she's not going to be in a successful relationship -- not unless she finds a guy who wants a girl like that.
I had a male acquaintance once who was just like that. He kept being broken up with by numerous girls, all within a few DAYS of being official with him. He'd keep his "real" self hidden until then, I suppose. Much like what your friend seems to do. To this day, as far as I know, he still does the same thing. Best of all: He blames them. He honestly believes that they're the ones who caused the break ups, and that they're all horrible bitches from hell.
Nevertheless; I would never be able to put up with a friend like that, let alone a significant other. If I don't answer the phone, and they keep calling, their phone number will be blocked very quickly.
At the same time though, it's like how much does someone need to work on themselves? She's obviously insecure if she acts so needy. Yes, the right thing for her to do would be to take a step back and examine her behaviors and take steps to becoming more comfortable with herself. It sounds like instead of trying to find her confidence inside herself shes using guys as a way to raise her self-esteem. Basicly she either needs to find the right guy that will help her feel secure or she needs to find security within herself. Or maybe a mixture of both, it's Deffinitely not easy.
I think your friend is to blame - but that doesn't mean you should play the blame game. Instead, try to indirectly help her out. I had a friend ("Ann" - let's say) who was a bit hollow and shallow and quite conceited. We had another friend as well, and she got fed up with her antics and ended up writing her a detailed letter about how her behavior was quite the turn off. Ann immediately changed after that, and is definitely a different person today. It seems your friend's ex doesn't mind telling anyone and everyone about his hellish ex-girlfriend. So why can't he be upfront about it and tell her? Yeah, it would be harsh, but it'd do a world of good for all of you.
I don't think there is enough information here to fairly judge.
Could it be that she's acting like she's insecure and acts like she's needy because of past experiences?
Circumstances influence how people behave..
no one to be blame...
I wonder if your friend is aware of her behavior. Some people are quick to point the finger at others, instead of looking at themselves. And the fact that youre able to understand her ex's point of view speaks volumes.
What do you all think? Is my friend to blame?
LMAO!!! Funny thing in relationships is that both sides are to blame if it ends (unless it was an abusive relationship).
You're stuck in a case of "he said, she said". You weren't there during every single moment of the relationship, and you don't know everything aside from two testimonies. Therefore, you can only make a speculation based of what they are saying and choose a point of view to accept.
Judging from this; she was probably trying to make something work out of nothing. Guy said it himself: he was only into her for sex. Rule of the pussy hunt: sometimes, the prize ain't worth it. OR, perhaps he originally wanted to make something work but then realized that she's got way too many inner problems to make something work.
However, if you both notice something wrong with your friend, you both may be right or wrong either way. Have you ever confronted her about her way of life and understood anything? Have you ever asked her why she is the way she is? Speaking from experience, if you don't say anything to another person, they will not know. I've had a few confrontations about myself with my best friends, sure we fought, but then I realized that they're right. That works for me, because I fight until I understand until I am logically proven wrong.
Or should we not be playing the blame game at all?
Undeserving blame or misguided blame is bad. However, if somebody is at fault, it's his or her fault! Can't make a horse out of a jack-ass.
How funny. I just broke up with a guy because he was needy and would text me over and over and over again. One night I needed a break, so I turned my phone off...and he showed up at my hosue.
When I broke up with him, I did tell him all the reasons why i didn't want to see him anymore and he said that I had some valid points. He isn't completely crazy, and there is hope for him yet.
....but not with me....
This might sound a bit crazy but your friend might be a good match for me. =P Cuz...I like needy girls and I know how to put up with people who get angry easily--because I've been doing it all my life with my siblings and they are just the way you have described your friend to be.
i'd say that she's too blame for being so needy and etc. Guys {mostly} can't stand the qualities that you describe.