Monday, 27 April 2009
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Is She Bi Because of Her Own Choices or Outside Influences?
Normally when someone brings up the subject of a kid being pressured into a specific lifestyle, it is the other way around, but I have severe concerns for my friend's 14 year old daughter and her choice in her sexuality. She has decided officially that she is bi. Now, before you all read this and tell me I'm a bad person for being against this idea, please hear the rest of the story.Where my problem comes in with this choice, is that my friend (let's call her Jane, age 37) has a sister ("Susan," age 27) who is a lesbian. Susan has made it known for a long time that she is angry because no one else in the family is gay. This can be understandable, but I feel that Susan is trying to influence Jane's daughter "Anne" into a lesbian or bisexual lifestyle. I also want to point out that I adore Susan, but she has a habit of being passive-aggressive.
Now, I am a firm believer that you should be and like or love whoever you want no matter what. I am also a believer that no one should pressure you one way or another to swing one way or another, EVER. This choice should belong to you and you only. I feel like Susan is pressuring Anne into being bisexual because she doesn’t want to be alone in the family.
Another tidbit about Anne is that she has Asperger's, so, more often than not, she works things out very logically. If she has even had a mini crush on a friend of hers that is a girl, it is possible that she takes it as being bi, even if it is a one-time thing.
Please remember, this is a 14-year-old girl we are talking about. Someone who is discovering who she is and going through tough times because body parts are arriving in full swing right along with those hormones we all remember so well and curse so much.
I want Anne to make the choice for Anne, and not because she thinks it cool that Aunt Susan is a lesbian or because other people at school are bi. I am behind her 100% no matter what she chooses so long as the choice is for her. I would be devastated if she decided she were bi, lesbian, or straight because some outer influence.
I'm 21, so Anne is comfortable relating to me and would rather talk to me than she would her mom. She has told me many times that the two people she looks up to most are Aunt Susan and myself. I think this is really great. But I could really use some help in talking to Anne to make sure that she is not making this choice based on outer influences.
How can I talk to Anne without offending her? And are there any questions I can ask or ways I can poke around to make sure she is making this choice for herself and not because Aunt Susan is pressuring her into this lifestyle? I don't want to say the wrong thing and put Anne under the impression that I won’t love her just as much if she is bi. Not to mention, I really don't want it getting back to Susan that I feel she is (even if it is unknowingly so) pushing Anne to be a lesbian.
Please help! I adore this girl like a little sister, and this is a tough subject! I need some opinions from people who are not involved in this situation to keep ideas clear and maybe to bring up things I haven't thought of!
AND A REMINDER! I am not against her being bi! I am against her making this choice based on someone else! To me, this is just as bad as a child who is gay deciding that he or she is straight because their parents told him or her that was how it would be. I need help with helping Anne and having her feel like it is okay to talk to me about anything and everything.
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Comments (61)
I think there really is no way around offending her. She is fourteen and like you said, she admires Aunt Susan. The only thing I suggest is to be upfront and honest about how you feel. Say it just the way you did in this post. Make sure you also tell her that you see her as a little sister and you are not out to hurt her or make her feel defensive.
That's all I got. Hope things work out.
Well, in the end, the person is making a choice. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual (it's not like she deciding whether or not to do hard drugs). Sometimes, it takes a little trial and error to find out what she really wants. If she likes another girl, let her see if she truly does. You should still support her (I know you will) no matter what life style she chooses.
I'm not sure one can CHOOSE an orientation based on someone else's pressure or urging. I think if the lesbian woman in question is "promoting" that orientation (see how even that sounds kinda silly?), and it's being modeled, then many things might be happening:
1. She's actually bi and discovering this early. More power to her.
2. She thinks she's bi, because she thinks an elder she respects, would like her to be. That's a BIG difference from discovering she's bi, BY EXPERIENCE. She might try it out and not like it. I don't see anything wrong with that, except that it might turn around and the kid will accuse said elder of having promoted, or being, something 'gross.'
3. Teens will claim to be all kinds of things before they settle in. She'll be bi this month, straight next year, maybe go through a lesbian bit for a while, who knows.
In short, I don't think experience can be overruled by peer pressure where orientation is concerned (I mean, sure, uncool parents can closet their kids, but that doesn't make those kids less gay). The most "wrong" thing that can occur here is that the girl'll try out a lesbian experience and not like it.
If you were to talk to her about this, you might tell her that being bi isn't cool with everyone, and that guys in particular can be very dumb about it. You might also say that it's as much an emotional thing as a sexual one, and so it's not only about "ooh baby" where girls are concerned, but also about being able to love another woman potentially as a long-term partner.
I don't think anyone knows the answer to this question, other than the girl herself. It's also possible that even she doesn't know.
I think you'll have an easier time with this situation no matter what the outcome is if you stop thinking of sexuality as a choice.
I'm glad you mentioned that she has asberger's. I think that's a key point. I've dealt with young people who have it and they are very easily manipulated by those they look up to and also very steadfast once they've made up their mind about something. I doubt there's anything you can do about this situation. Trying to bait her into talking about it will not help either. It sounds to me like your real concern is that this aunt has a bit too much influence over her in general but this is the most obvious incidence. If that is the case then that's best mentioned to the girls parents.
But back to your question. She's only 14. If she isn't really bi then she'll get tired of "the lifestyle" and the societal drama that can come with it at school etc. real quick. On the other hand have you considered she may actually be bi, has mentioned this to her aunt (in the same way she opens up to you), and her aunt is merely supporting her?
She's only fourteen. Tell her that you respect her decision and will support her, but if you don't agree with her making such a landmark decision right now, tell her that too. She could very much regret doing anything with another girl if she really is straight.
However, I don't think that the aunt is pressuring her. I think that she might make it sound "better" to be a lesbian, but I highly, highly doubt that she's doing anything but encouraging Anne- which is bad enough in itself, yes, but not pressuring.
Maybe you should tell the girl's mom, if she doesn't already know, and if you really think Susan is the culprit, then curb the time she spends with her.
So basically you're asking how can you do exactly what you think Susan is doing? That's what it sounds like to me. Really, does it matter if she calls herself bi and isn't? She can call herself whatever she wants, and I really don't think you should be getting involved.
She may declare she's bisexual now, full blown lesbian in a couple years, and then decide she's actually straight by the time she's 21. She has plenty of time to experiment before her orientation takes it's roots. It's not a big deal.
You need to pay attention to the fact that YOU and Susan are role models in her life (and I'm assuming you're straight). Chances are if you try to push her into explaining herself she'll resent you.
I don't think anyone could pressure someone to be what they are or what not. At the end, it's their decision and their choice. If she says she's a bi now, maybe later on after experiences, she'll decide she's straight. Regardless of the outcome, she knows what's best for her. Maybe not at the age of fourteen but when she's old enough and mature enough to know what she really want/need in life.
I actually wrote a blog post about girls (and sometimes guys) who think they're bi or gay because it's become the popular thing to do.
CLICK HERE "Im a bisexual highschool girl"
They're pretty fucking annoying, I really hope your daughter isn't one of them.
She isn't "making a choice". She could be subconsciously acting this way because of the "Susan" thing, and it could be because her hormones, it could be both, but in the end when all is said is done, her orientation is not something that she is going to "choose". You are either straight/bi/gay/asexual or you're not, it's not something you can just "choose" to be.
By the way, when I was 13 I went through a "bi phase" for about 2 years or so...she may grow out of it, or it may be what she truly is...but only time will tell
You don't decide if you're gay, straight, or bi. It's in your genes, plain and simple. You can't choose what you like. You either like it, or you don't. Maybe "Susan" helped "Anne" to realize what she really does like? Sure, she could decide she's bi because of her aunt. But maybe she really does prefer girls? let her date a girl, once she does, then she'll know if she really like, and if she doesn't like it, then she'' stop saying she's bi. But as far as the body parts and hormones at 14, I'm sure she's had them for a while, so it's nothing new. By the time I was 14, I was about 2.5 years already used to it.
How about you leave her alone and let her choose what she feels? Being bisexual isn't a "decision" - when you realize you're bisexual, you don't weigh the pros and cons. It's something that the person has to go through on their own by sorting through their feelings.
And why does it matter so much to you? If she were dating boys exclusively because she saw her mother and her father together would you even be thinking about this? Of course not. Examine your own biases and don't push them on a little girl.
@thinkin_up_dreams@xanga - I find it really fucking annoying as well.
If you think Anne is so easily influenced, what if you influence her into becoming something she's not?
People need to come to these decisions on their own. If she's not really bisexual, it won't last. If she is, it will.
You are a homophobe. That's without a doubt. You're afraid Anne will turn into a bisexual. Have you thought that perhaps she is exploring her options and discovering who she is..and part of that is test out what does and doesn't work for her. If she is really bi, she will be bi. If she isn't, she'll grow out of that phase. You make it sound as if her Aunt Susan is going to brainwash her into becoming a bisexual.
And what is so wrong with being bisexual anyway? You claim to be open-minded, but when it comes to Anne, you are so deathly afraid of her becoming what you probably find disgusting.
Btw- gay parents don't turn their kids into homosexuals.. if you didn't already know.
I despise when girls claim to be bi just to look cool or "hot." nothing wrong with real bi girls, its just the fakers that make them look bad.
There's nothing wrong with encouraging someone to be bisexual, no more than it is to encourage someone to be straight...which...I assume you're trying to do?
Anyways, Anne can choose on her own, thank you very much. If in five years she realizes she doesn't like boys (or she doesn't like girls) at all anymore, then so be it. She's a teenager; most of us were at least slightly confused at that point. Who cares? If Anne is "truly" straight, then eventually she won't find herself falling in love with girls and this stage of questioning will be over. Most people don't go about doing lesbian acts because they want to be cool, and if they do, who cares?
Unless you're a bigot, her going about possibly dating random girls should be as bothersome as her going about dating boys.
@TheLoveMuse@xanga - Haha good point
I dont think it can work. No matter how hard I try to become gay, it never works...
idk. i'm bi because i like bewbies more than penises.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - word
I began to feel different, and notice that I was bisexual, at 13. Only, I didn't have a name for it. No one pressured me into it... in fact, I was pressured into staying closeted until I came to school, where I live as a happily out woman. I'm glad Anne has your support as she figures out who she is, and how this world of sexual orientation fits into that. I think, however, that you would have an easier time relating to her if your basic premise wasn't that she was making a choice.
It's not a choice to be bi, anymore than its a choice to be allergic to green peppers (which I am) or its a choice to dislike olives (which I do). Any one of those aspects of me can be put into a simple statement, which is true based on my experiences thus far. If her experience thus far has taught her that she's bi, then she is. And if her eventual orientation is something other than that, she'll figure that out through experience too.
I'm sorry that Aunt Susan is upset, and causes discord in the family. It sounds like her coming out probably wasn't handled in the most sensitive way. But her issues will not have a long-term effect on Anne's sexual orientation. When it comes down to it, Anne will be attracted to who she's attracted to based on hormones and pheremones, which do not respond to societal pressure.