Sunday, 26 April 2009

  • Reality Check: He Doesn't Love You When...

    You know that girl who stays in a relationship, even when they're emotionally/verbally abusive or draining? The girl thinks it's love, but to the outsider, it just doesn't look right.

    So this girl is always asking, "Does he really love me?" and is always reading articles and trying to find some kind of false hope that her BF is just troubled and he just can't share his love for a viable reason, blah blah blah. Anyone who is thoughtful can go into his or her head and create whole scenarios, and "love" can make someone delusional enough to believe those scenarios.

    I used to be that girl. I'm glad that I got shaken out of my fantasy world (eventually) to realize that I wasn't being treated as I should be, even though I was putting my all into the relationship.

    I stumbled upon this article, and it reminded me of when I used to be that girl. Hopefully this will help all of you ladies out there to know when you are being that oblivious girl that I used to be.

    "He Doesn't Love You When:

    1. He doesn't treat you like a top priority in his life.
    2. He's nice to you when it's convenient for him - like right before sex!
    3. He checks out on you emotionally for long periods of time, and acts like you're crazy and/or needy for asking why.
    4. He's openly critical of fundamental things about you that you can't change.
    5. He seems to enjoy your company and encourages your involvement with him, but you sense that he is still on the lookout for something "better".

    6. He shuts you out of big parts of his life - family, friends, and his past.
    7. He keeps telling you that he's not good relationship material or he doesn't deserve you but doesn't discourage you from sleeping with him.
    8. He takes no emotional risks for you, but doesn't object when you take emotional risks for him.
    9. He gets irritated with the vulnerability you feel in the relationship and doesn't want to think about your feelings.
    10. He rewards you for being "strong" and/or "understanding" when he does things that he knows hurt you! If he loved you, he wouldn't hurt you.
    11. He sleeps with other women. He's not ready for a one on one relationship but wants those hot romantic nights with you!"

    Have you ever been in a relationship with someone like that? Do you think that the list is true? Are there "exceptions" to this list, or is it just delusional to think that there are exceptions?

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Comments (64)

  • ChelseaSmilesMore@xanga

    I definitely used to be that girl too. The one that most applied to me was "He shuts you out of big parts of his life - family, friends, and his past."
    That was what ended up breaking us up- I wanted to go to church with his family and he flipped out about it and broke up with me? o__O
    But anywho, I agree with pretty much everything listed ^^
  • TruthNeverTold@xanga

    Yes, my ex was like that. He pressured me into a lot of things that I didn't want to do, including sex. He used the whole "If you loved me you would do ______" for everything he wanted. He was rude, inconsiderate, and I became very depressed for a long time. I always tell myself now, I'll never fall for the same thing again.

    And I suppose there are limited exceptions to the list, only if he's going through something that troubles him, but not everything, especially periodical emotional abuse.

    Simply put, love isn't supposed to hurt like that. So if it hurts, it's not love.
  • lovemonkeyy@xanga

    Yeah. If more than half of these occurences on the list apply, he's just not that into you -- sorry, I just had to throw that in there. :) :) :)



    I think that I was in a "thing" where it was so clear that he saw me as a girl that could go long term, but he still had sex with other girls. But I knew, he knew. I knew it wasn't going anywhere so I ended it shortly.


    Ah. High school. Good times.
  • SeeBeeWrite@xanga

    I started out like that, but got wise after a little bit. I ended up just using him for sex until he dumped me.
  • inspireothers@xanga

    ahhaha back three years ago #1, 2 &8 applies xP
    but the convenience for #2 was homework
  • TruthNeverTold@xanga

    For me, it was 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, and 10. I think it's easy to tell he was a problem. :|

    Good thing we broke up.
  • xxthatsmexx@xanga

    I kind of disagree with numbers 1 and 10.  A guy doesn't have to have his world revolve around his girlfriend in order to love her, and vice versa.  There are certainly things that the girlfriend should trump (in my opinion), such as watching a re-run of Heroes, haha.

    As for number 10, it's not that I disagree with the notion of not hurting someone "if the person TRULY loves his/her significant other."  I think that's a little too much to ask.  No one is perfect, and sometimes, there are compromises that couples have to make to accommodate one another.
  • yuk_lui@xanga

    that list is actually something to think about!
    never been in a relationship like that.
  • DarkButtercup94@xanga

    3 was a big problem for me in my past relationships. It's got a lot better, and I'm glad. Keeping busy helps.
  • litt0_h0nii@xanga

    Girls definitely NEED to check this list out before they make excuses up for them!
  • JessicaTrannn@xanga

    wowwwie. lots of stuff to think about. i have a question thoughh.

    what the boyfriend loves you, but just doesn't know what he's doing because of inexperience?
  • MangoWOW@xanga

    haha sometimes Im still that girl.
    I hate it that I can point it out whenever someone else is in that problem but I cant even take my own advice.
  • Plastic_Alice7@xanga

    Oh dear Jesus, the question is when am I going to stop being in these kinds of realtionships.


    I would say cultural differences could be an exception to the rule, but in all honesty and truth "people are people." No matter how much you sugar coat it...a douchebag is a douchebag.


    Thanks for posting this I needed another reality check and another reason to continue to be pessimistic about finding my ideal man.

  • FIREExATxWILL@xanga

    I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and I still kind of am that girl. I would give anything to be back with my ex, no matter how unhealthy that relationship was. I'm in therapy right now and talk about it a lot, and it's taking a lot of convincing for me to believe that I am better off.
  • HollowTendencies@xanga

    well.. we broke up.


    but 1, 8, 9, and 10 are the ones that applied to me.


    and yet i still hang on, it's a sad way to live, but i can't stop.
  • sainara@xanga

    this sounds like that jerk i broke up with two years ago... LOL. i'm so glad i'm out of the relationship.
  • kaythankss@xanga

    crap. as we speak, my current relationship is like:
    # 3, 4, 5 & 10. awesome..
  • steph

    I've never been in a relationship like that, fortunately. List seems pretty accurate, though.
  • SurveysThatTakeupUrBOREDUM@xanga

    9,2,4, and 10.


    hmmmm....this still dosen't convince me that he dosen't love me.


  • MartialArtist322@xanga

    that article is dead on. I remember being that girl once. Thankfully it was a long long long time ago and it is now over!
  • Coke0@xanga

    Ahahah...this used to be me, exactly!


    I don't always agree with number 1 though. You should be close to the top of the list, but sometimes theres other more important things to worry about. 
    I had to deal with my ex openly checking out other girls, talking about other girls and how good they looked, forcing me to do things sexually that I didn't want to do, even him getting angry and hanging up on me when I refused to live out his fantasy of having a threesome, and then him yelling at me for being insecure...not to mention him yelling at me for the clothes I wore, not being sexy enough, making me feel bad and telling me he "loved me less" because of the number of people I'd slept with...jesus. Its been a year and clearly I'm still coping with all that, as I just ranted it all over xanga haha.
    And he's the one who's heart is broken now, because he realizes all the shit he's done to me and that he can't get any better than me. I win!! hahaha
  • mixed_babygurl@xanga

    wow number 7 sounds familiar......douche bags
  • musicmom60@xanga

    I was in a relationship like that once, and it got to be so emotionally abusive that I ended up very, very messed up.  PTSD, the whole thing.  He was a narcissist, and I couldn't see it until after I was out of it.  He poured on the charm and tried to convince me, and everyone else, he was someone he wasn't.  When the "real" him came out - whoa.  If two wives divorce him for "mental cruelty", pay attention.  He's probably faking being nice for you, for a time.  Very dangerous sort of guy to be with.
  • Ritzypuffles@xanga

    I have been in a relationship that's really not even close to acceptable. But I'm happy coz I am now in one of the awesomest relationships I know.
  • TomoyoViBritannia@xanga

    This is a great list.  I only disagree with number 1.  His life shouldn't revolve around you unless you're married.  But still, "girlfriend" should at least be in the top 3. 

    I can usually tell when a guy isn't into me.  I seem to be that type of girl guys are interested in when there's nobody else around to satisfy his needs.  These types of guys usually are 2, 5, 6, 7, and 9.  10 in one case but he was that sadistic type. 

    If I had girl friends, I'd pass this list on to them.  I hate to see a nice girl get hurt by an undeserving jerk. 

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