(in response to
this post)
1) Are you okay?Please, please men, don't stop asking this question. It shows that you do sincerely care about our feelings and if we're upset. I don't understand why so many women agreed that this was an unacceptable question to be asked - I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, how hard is it to say that? It's better to be asked and not want to talk about it than never to be asked and want to talk about it. Men are NOT mind readers, you know.
2) Is it that time of the month?You know, if someone asks me this question, it is usually because I'm acting catty - so bring it on.
I personally am all about keeping my attitude positive, as well as my interactions with others, so if someone feels like they have to ask this question, maybe it means that I need to look at how I'm treating him or her. In the meantime, he or she might just get a detailed description of what exactly is going on downtown it's phrased like this. Just kidding.
3) Are you really going to wear that?All right, I really don't understand why this is a problem - people are allowed to have different opinions. I get asked all the time about outfits that I walk out of the house in, and you know what, when it lifts eyebrows in the house, I usually get the most compliments on it outside of the house. Also, if you tell men they are not allowed to ask this question, they will also not ask it when your shirt is see-through or when the slit of your pencil skirt is a little too high. Take advantage of the fact that you have a man's opinion about your outfit before you leave the house - he's just trying to help.
4) I was going to call...As much as I agree it's not acceptable for ANYONE to say he/she will call, and then not do so, I'm guilty. I've done it. I've said I was going to call, promised I was going to call, and then NOT called. In an honest, trusting relationship (which, by the way, is the only time this really matters outside of a business deal) it doesn't really matter that he/she didn't call - life goes on, be independent. We, as women, shouldn't sit around and wait for the phone to ring - go find something better to do!
Just a note on this one, though: if he says he'll call but doesn't and you've just started dating him, then one simple rule applies: If you're not worth his time, he's not worth yours (which also means that he wouldn't ever have the opportunity to tell you that he was going to call. No harm, no foul.)
5) Your friend is pretty.If he's thinking it, I'd rather know about it then having him not tell me, especially if he wants to tell me! Chances are, I think she's pretty too. Take this as a compliment to yourself; you have a boyfriend or love interest who takes the time to notice things and is honest with you about them. He apparently feels comfortable enough with you (either that or is extremely naive, in which case you should walk away immediately) so let him be honest.
I guess I'd rather just be full out honest than keep secrets; it's more healthy to communicate than to avoid it. This doesn't, however, give permission to tell me all the details about what you would do to her if you were dating her - please keep the communication G rated and factual. Her being pretty is great because it's real, your fantasies are not real and I don't want to know what you'd love to do with whipped cream.
6) Mean things about her mother.Okay, if I say mean things about my mother, have at her! The same goes with the rest of my family.
If I love my mother dearly and you don't like her, it is okay to express this to me, as long as you can back it up with solid reasons (which CAN include your just being nervous around parents, mine or otherwise). If you can put together a good argument, then I'm all about listening to you talk all day about how horrible she is, but if you can't come up with good solid reasons, then yes, it is best to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Overall, I think we, as women, need to calm down and listen to the men in our lives. We make them walk on eggshells around us while they're trying to say the right thing at the right time (I'm sure it gets exhausting).
Let's face it, ladies, as much as we're not in a world of Prince Charmings, we are also not all princesses, so get off your high horse and realize that sometimes uncomfortable conversations come from having great communication with a spouse.
True 
Comments (50)
oh, bravo.
i am SO tired of bitchy, uptight, overly feminist women ruining it for the rest of us. yeah, it's nice to have common courtesy when you talk to anyone- male or female- but i have no interest whatsoever in being around a man who is made (and willing!!) to behave like my obedient puppy. i LOVE that my husband tells me the truth, whether or not it's what i'd rather hear at the time. because if i can't count on my best friend in the world to be honest with me, what's the point of sharing a bed, my life, parenting responsibilities, and college debt with him?
well written.
:)
I agree with 1 and 6 but the others... not so much.
Well said, agree on all points.
I especially have to agree with number one. I try to be sensitive to other people, and as a man I especially try to be sensitive if there is a woman in my life who I care about. If I ask her if she is doing okay, it is probably because I have noticed that she is NOT doing okay and just want to help if I can. I'm not prying, I'm not expecting a response. I am just showing that I care.
If someone tells me I can't say something, I'm more inclined to say it.
@follow_home@xanga - haha.
and college debt. What a great line!
To everyone else thanks so much for the comments--it's good to see that I'm not the only one who was frustrated with that.
I 100% agree! :) Thank you for completely correcting that other post.
I have no idea what the other post was, but I have no desire to read it now. I do, however, appreciate that you included (Not a Girl) in your title, because I think that's really where the problem comes in: women and girls are different.
And there is a difference between the guy you met at the bar, and the guy you are spending the rest of your life with.
Guy at work is not allowed to ask me if it is that time of the month. Guy who is sharing my life, my bed, and my bathroom probably doesn't have to ask, because I will usually give him a friendly heads up, or he will get the hint when he sees varied feminine product wrappings in the bathroom garbage, or when I say, "yeah, swimming is not really the best idea right now."
I would rather have more communication than less. And if you are going to complain about my mother, I get the same rights to complain about yours. Or your father. Or your sister. Or your creepy uncle. In private. And not at your family reunion while the video camera is rolling.
If a relationship is open, honest, and respectful, I think you should be able to ask just about anything. And there is nothing wrong, men or women, with answering a question with "I don't feel comfortable talking about that" and sometimes with a "right now" tacked on.
Tell you what, though, just like women need to stop dating men who are jerks, men need to stop dating high-maintenance women, and then a lot of this mess wouldn't even be a problem.
It is really bad when the girl I won't have a second date with is 30...
I disagree with both posts.
I agree with you on points 1 & 2. Nothing wrong with trying to check in and see if I'm okay, and if we're in a relationship, particularly a sexual one, I can absolutely understand why a guy would want to know whether it's that time of month.
However...
If you're in a relationship and he's CONSTANTLY doing things 3-6, I think it's indicative of a problem. I mean, ok, I appreciate honesty, but if everytime I brought my boyfriend to meet my friends he was telling me how gorgeous they all were, I'd think he was either gay or really looking around for someone better than me.
As for always asking "Are you really going to wear that?", I think it's okay to ask sometimes, if you're wearing something too exposed or wacky, but really, if he's always criticizing what I'm wearing, why is he dating me in the first place? Once in awhile, okay, all the time, then he doesn't like my style and he can take a hike if it bothers him that much.
If he says he's going to call, and he forgets once in awhile, okay, but if he does it constantly, and he's not a truly wacky absent-minded person, (I understand that happens, too), then I'm probably not a priority for him. Besides, it shouldn't be "I was gonna call..." It should be "I'm sorry I forgot to call you." Man up to your mistake and stop making excuses.
As for saying mean things about my mother, I love her dearly, and if you don't really care for her, you can let me know, but I don't particularly want to hear the complaints beyond that.
Family is family, and you don't get to choose them. Telling someone you hate their family, whether they like them or not just makes them feel bad because it's not like they can go get a new one. And if I love my mother, if you love anyone, it hurts to hear someone say nasty things about them, even moreso if they are true! So keep it to yourself, I think.
@turtletastic - I think you really have a good point. I can see how habitually asking would definitely be problematic itself, or indicative of a greater problem. I don't think the author was trying to say that these things should be said persistently, just that it is okay to say them every so often for communication purposes. Communication is so essential in any relationship, especially a romantic relationship.
This is basically what I posted on that website lmao.
Seriously my comment was almost identical, just reworded lmao
Yay we're on the same mind track
@turtletastic - I understand where you're coming from.
The only part that bugs me is the family. Family may be family, but if your spouse has a problem it's BEST that they tell you right away. Other than hide it, and then they express it to you later when it's already worse.
Usually if someone is upset with one's family it's cuz they are doing something TO them or TO you. it's just a concern thing.
&If you don't wanna hear it
TELL them. But don't be mean about it.
Being mean about stuff with a spouse gets you no where
@gsmith03@xanga - @turtletastic -Â
gsmith03 I couldn't have said it better myself, thanks for the help!:o)
I agree with you almost completely.
1: Honestly, if they're in a loving relationship, they shouldn't have to expect that their SO will not want to talk about it. That's a lack of trust, and it's not fair. They don't have to want to talk about it, but it shouldn't be the status quo.
2. Is it really a big deal? Every girl gets periods, and if you're NOT on your period and someone asks you that, it means you need to be a little nicer.
3. This is where the 'almost' comes in. I think this could be said in a much nicer way, but it does help to have others' opinions.
4. What if they really WERE going to call and for some reason couldn't? Why would you be mad?
5. What's the big deal? The friend probably IS pretty. Just because he finds someone attractive doesn't mean he's attracted TO her.
6. This is probably not very courteous, but freedom of speech, y'know? Besides, the mom may really be acting unfair. So if there's a negative opinion, it should be presented diplomatically.
@Sirius_Fan_Girl@xanga - I agree, that could be phrased better, thanks for commenting!
agreed !
I would personally rather know what my significant other really thinks about me, even if it's not exactly pleasant. So I have flaws. Relationships are not meant to be perfect.
I love it when people are told to get off his or her high horse.
I agree with everything but #4. Only because saying you'll call and then not calling is a pet peeve of mine. It's by no means a deal breaker though, stuff happens and you forget to call. It's only a problem when you didn't have a good reason or even a lame excuse for not calling and then don't bother to apologize either. (Just to clarify I'm not talking about a guy not calling to chit chat. Being upset about that is just immature.)
As for #6 in that other post I think if you can't handle it then you shouldn't say "mean" things about them yourself...chances are he won't either unless he thinks you need to hear it and something positive will come from bringing it up.