Thursday, 23 April 2009
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He'll Wait For Me To Love Him - But Will I Ever? I Don't Know...
So I have this best friend. Let's call him Bob. Sweet, smart, (can be) funny, and a total gentleman. He graduated uni last year, but came back to town shortly after his uncle died in some time in February. Then he never left. So I've been spending a lot of time with him - we've hung out practically every day since he got back. Then some time last month, he told me that he'd been thinking that maybe there's a small possibility that we could be "more than just friends". I told him I'd think on it, even though I was already leaning towards "no". Fast forward a few weeks later, and I decided to get together with him, thinking that there wasn't any harm in trying.But here's where it starts to get kinda sticky - he's totally, totally head over heels for me. And me? I still don't see him as anything more than just a friend. I entered the relationship hoping that some feeling would grow, but it's just not happening yet. It's been only a little more than a week since we got together, and my friend told me that the feeling will come later, that she experienced the same thing with her now ex-boyfriend (who she's still best friends with). When I told her that I wanted out of the relationship, she told me to give it a month or two before I start deciding what to do about it, and that maybe I was just experiencing some sort of self-defense mechanism. What I didn't tell her was that when Bob and I slept together, I was wishing that I was with anyone BUT Bob the whole time we were doing it. It made me feel so guilty.
I've told him that I haven't quite decided what I feel for him, and he told me that he's willing to wait for me. He's always saying how much he loves me, and accepts that I can't tell him that I feel the same way about him just yet. He's told me that all he wants is for me to want him the way he wants me, which makes me feel like crying every time I hear it. Because frankly, I don't think I ever can.
Sometimes I think that maybe we were just spending too much time together and it sort of created false feelings or something. Other times I think that it's because I don't think he's cute (at all) or because he's a sloppy dresser, both reasons which make me feel so superficial.
He's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend, so we really don't know how it's supposed to go. But I really don't think that looking forward to someday breaking up and imagining someone else in your boyfriend's stead is the right way to go about it.
The guilt of it all is eating away at me, and I just want to get out at this point, but at the same time I really can't bring myself to break his heart. I'm also thinking that breaking up after less than a month is pretty bad form, especially because Bob and I have been good friends for a long time.
Am I just experiencing a self-defense mechanism? Should I give it a month or two? What do I do?
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Comments (29)
This is retarded. "I experienced the same thing with my ex." Hello?
Maybe you should marry him, I'm sure you'll love him later on.
in my opinion, anytime you sleep with someone that you dont love, thats just scumbaggish(if thats even a word). and you are REALLY leading him on by staying in the relationship. even if you have told him you dont feel anything for him, thats not fair to him. you need to let him go, and let him find someone worth his time. like i said, just my opinion.
If you didn't feel anything for him more than a friend, why did you get into the relationship with him? Or even sleep with him? Be honest with yourself. If you don't see a future with him, let him know. Don't lead him on and hold him back from finding someone who will feel the same and someone who do see a future with him.
I don't know but I never go into a relationship until I know for certain I do feel something for him.
The best thing would be just to be honest with him. Let him know where you stand and how you're feeling. If you're up for dating him a little longer and seeing where it goes, and he's okay with the unsurity of it all, then try out that option. Date him for a little while, and see if feelings come later.
If you can't see yourself with him, though, my philosophy is not to be with him. However, my philosophy is also not to sleep with people I don't have feelings for at all in any shape, form, or fashion.. You know? (However, it's also my philosophy to save the sex until after I'm wed, so we may be different there, and I understand that. Hence why I didn't mention any of that in my advice to you... Only in the my thoughts only section. :) )
But yeah. Also, think on this.. to encourage honesty, I mean. If you date him longer and never form feelings like you expect/hope for, then when you go to break up with him later, it will be tons harder than it would be now, and it would hurt him more, because it would enable him more time to dive deeper into his care and feelings for you. So, just be honest. Let him know where you stand.
Also, if the way he dresses bothers you that bad.. You're a good, trusted friend of his.. Let him know in a gentle way. Perhaps take him clothes shopping one day, and pick out an outfit for him that you'd like for him to wear. Compliment him when he wears it. That will increase the likelihood of him wearing things like what you like on him. You know? The clothes thing is not a deal breaker. :) See my point?
Hope this helps, somehow.
I wish you well, and him too,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Let the poor guy go. It's better that he hurts a bit now, with very little of everything (time, effort, emotions) invested than for him keep that false hope alive and wait patiently for something that may never arrive. Love takes work, but it should also come "effortlessly".
To put it bluntly, you're being an idiot about this.
You might be afraid of hurting him by breaking up, but right now you're hurting yourself by staying in a relationship with someone you don't even have feelings for. It hurts him too, he's just not aware of it. And if you didn't have feelings for him, why the hell did you sleep with him? You're only leading him on, and that's much worse than being completely honest and breaking up with him. And given that your friend is now broken up with her own boyfriend, she's not exactly the most reliable source of advice about growing to love someone.
Oh, and before I forget, your "boyfriend" needs to move on. I've learned to never "wait" for anyone when it comes to love. He needs to live his life; tell him that.
Stop the relationship now. At least then you may have a chance at saving the friendship.
I dated someone I wasn't into (he was my best friend) for awhile. BAD mistake. I thought maybe I'd like him soon. But, he just got more annoying to me.
And now he hates me. =D
You don't want that, now do you?
I went through this once although we didn't sleep together... I didn't really love my ex, in fact I really didn't even know how I felt about him. I told him that I liked him but I wanted more time before I can say the words, I love you. He said that it was alright and that he'll wait because he loves me, but I was always getting confused about the whole thing. There was a lot of unfortunate things that happened while we were together and that made me kind of miserable, I sought help from an outside source and was advised to break it up. Like you, I felt guilty and I didn't really want to hurt him at all, BUT I wanted out to at least clear some things out. So I did after only two weeks. Sad to say, it's honestly still eating me away especially when he got extremely depressed about it...
Normally I would agree with everyone else and tell you that you should break it off because staying in a relationship with someone, who you don't even feel the same about it, is pointless. After all, a relationship should be mutual. But after personally experiencing this, I think you should take some time apart. No texts, no emails, no calls, no anything from him. Just time to yourself WITHOUT him contacting you in any form. Maybe you are getting confused and a bit lost with him around, and just need some distance from him. Honestly, I didn't think that I loved my ex but after breaking up with him, I feel like I actually miss him. Maybe it's just me or whatever, but I think you should "try missing" him, if that makes any sense, if you don't, might as well let him go. :\
I thought I could give you some input on this, but situation is really different. My boyfriend and I were really good friends before we got together, and he was definitely into me before I was into him, but I really made him wait before we got into a relationship. It basically got to the point where I couldn't wait to be with him, and things just sort of happened on their own. I had to wait for my feelings to develop, but once they did, things were great. But I didn't get together with him before that happened...that might have been your mistake. I know it's hard to say no to people that are so eager to be with you, but waiting might have been better for both of you.
trust your instincts.
ask yourself what you really see in him? what is the foundation of your relationship? how do you really feel about him? don't stay in the relationship because you're afraid of admitting you simply don't love him. I've been there and understand what you are going though. I constantly felt "guilty" because I felt as if I was asking for more when I already have so much. I didn't want to hurt him but I ended up hurting myself.
Well me being a hopeless romantic I'm sure you wouldn't agree with my advice. But I think that if you don't feel that "spark" right away when your with someone then they are not the one. Anyways, good luck!
i went through something like that...i jump into a relationship with my ex before i even got to know him...everytime i was with him i wished that i wasn't...i wanted to break up with him but i waited after 3 weeks...he found a gf later on...i see how he treats that girl and i wonder y he didn't treat me that way...my friend pointed out that i didn't give him a chance...to be honest i really didn't...i realize i wasn't ready for a relationship and i told myself that i won't jump into another relationship until i know that that guy is what i wanted...
it depends.
i had the same exact thing with my current bf. who was my best friend. and he's a great guy, etc, etc. he liked me for er. two years? but i just didn't like him. and then finally he was like OMFG I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME BUT I STILL LOVE YOU
and i was like. whoa, what? you love me? wtf is this?
and we were still friends. and he kept saying shit like, if you ever want to date, just say the word.
and i was like. no.
and then finally i was like. OKAY. TOO MUCH PEER PRESSURE. (all my friends were trying to get us together and stuff)
and i dunno, it was extremely uncomfortable for a week and i felt suffocated cuz there was too much LOVE or whatever and the whole thing was severely unbalanced
but i don't know. after a while i did start to love him. but as for being in love, i don't know. maybe.
so i dunno, i guess the situation is specific to every person. maybe give it some time. it was really bleh in the beginning for me too. maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't.
im in the same situation as that guy.
ive been trying so hard to win over a girl's heart but apparently she's only using me as a prom date.
but nevertheless the guy is going to want what's best for you
so use your listen to your heart rather than your brain(logic)
When in doubt, throw it out.
wtheck? Why'd you sleep with him? You said yourself that you felt really guilty and wished it was anybody BUT him.
You have your answer. I don't think you're going to develop feelings for him. Let him go. Because it's only going to make you hate him after time goes by. By staying with him when you don't like him ... you're giving him false hope.
Feelings? what are those...
So when the S&#t hits the fan all that love is a choice idealism goes out the window... Just cause you don't have butterflies?
ask around for some married couples... Those married longer than 10 years know that the butterflies don't last very long to begin with. They know that there are days when you wake up to the person next to you and you don't feel in love. Married for so long and don't feel the butterflies, but a deeper thing settles... The choice of love takes complete hold. A commitment to commitment to "make it work" with this person.
A friendship is the basis of most romantic relationships, not butterflies or feelings and realising and living this ideal is true maturity. PS: that is why arranged marriages can work.
Ok, i see i ranted! my bad, just feel a bit passionate about this
He's your first boyfriend and you've been dating a week, but you've already slept together? That's a little.. odd..
Anyways, I had feelings for my boyfriend long before we were dating, I wouldn't of started the relationship if I hadn't.
you already know it yourself. you don't think you would ever love him, then why continue and make HIS pain even longer? stop leading him on. I think you clearly know what you want to do, so do it.
wrong... and unfair for him... And the friendship's at risk...
Well first and foremost honesty counts. If you don't feel anything for him like that, you really should tell him. I don't feel there is anything wrong with giving him a shot and seeing where your feelings go, if anywhere, but either way I definitely wouldn't have slept with him within the first week of the relationship. That is just plain odd.
Seems to me that you've always just seen him as a friend and thought to try out the relationship because that's what he wanted. Well... you have to do what YOU want. And clearly, you don't want him.
I've been on his side of the spectrum, and it's not a good place to be.
In hindsight, I wish that my best friend that I was in love with would have flat out broken my heart and let me go, so that I didn't hang on as long as I did to someone who never felt toward me the way I felt toward him.
Don't string this guy along. I know he says he'll wait, but that's a waste of his time and yours. Move on to someone where mutual feelings will exist. And let him move on to the same. If it's meant to be between the two of you, and you develop feelings for him along the road somewhere, then trust me, everything will fall into place. But don't let him wait and don't lead him on. He'll be hurt worse if you do that than if you just get it over with now.
OH MAN. If I was still with my ex, I would've backed you up on the "giving it a try" thing.
I'm sorry but your friend lied. The feeling doesn't come later, and pretty soon you'll start looking for a reason to break it off.
I learned this the hard way. Twice.
Sure, you'll feel more comfortable lying to yourself about liking him as the 'relationship' goes on, but as soon as something goes wrong,instead of working it out like a real loving couple would, you'll dump him. No matter how shallow the reason.
Then it'll hurt for BOTH of you.
I was in the exact same position, minus the sleeping together part. We told each other secrets, held each other's hands, met each others parents. By the end, I was so attached to him not because my feelings changed but because I was USED to having him around, which made the break up all the more harder.