Thursday, 23 April 2009
-
Letting Go of Anger from Past Relationships
I once dated "Chris" for three months over one summer, then again the next January for one and a half year. During the first time, I treated him decently but wasn't 100% into it but he kept getting pushy, wanting me to be his girlfriend and I just wasn't that into him. We broke up and I went out with another guy for a few months, but that wasn't too serious either. The second guy and I broke up sometime in December. Chris was nice to me after the second guy and I broke up, and I saw Chris in a new light. So the second time around, after a few months, he started treating me not as nicely as before. And this time around I was giving him genuine feelings because he's not a bad guy, right? Pfft, was I wrong...I never blamed fully on myself for the first time we went out because I was always honest about my feelings toward the relationship.
Anyway, the verbal abuse started, he kept hinting that I should be like this, or like that; those are the kind of girls he liked. Being the semi-feisty girl that I am, I defended myself and retaliated. We would argue and it would never get anywhere. But because I had real feelings for Chris, though it was never love, I was emotionally trapped and even though I retaliated, it hurt a lot. During the last few months of the relationship, it was nothing but verbal abuse from each other. He was crushing on random girls and started to see this 20-year-old girl he met on the subway (he was 28 at the time). I wanted him to just break up with me because I wasn't sure I had the strength to do it. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore and we broke up.
Fast forward five months, and Chris came to my front door and gave me an envelope of condoms. Not like an eight-pack, but he stuffed more than 30 pieces into the envelope. I was confused...then he accused me of giving him chlamydia (an STD). He told me he got it a bit after we broke up. I was shocked. But later on, I laughed and laughed, because I knew it wasn't from me. I didn't cheat on him and did my yearly checkup a month before I told him to get lost from my life. That was his karma.
However, it hurt and disappointed me, because he didn't even ask me if I had cheated on him, if I had it to begin with - he just came over to accuse me. There was no evidence from him; however, it hurt my ego, my pride and my reputation. Who knows who he spoke with? We have a few mutual friends, though I don't think he would embarrass himself and tell them. Another point was, I wasn't sure if he was sleeping with that 20-year-old (who, it turns out, was the real STD culprit; of course he never bothered to tell me) while we were still seeing each other. And I was freaked out about getting it from him. Ew.
So I had to check myself again. And I'm mad. I'm mad because he didn't tell me sooner; what if I caught it from him? Females do not obtain symptoms sometimes and there is a chance of its making me infertile. And I'm extremely mad, because compared to a 20-year-old he met off the street who he only dated for a few months, he thought I would be the one who infected him.
To this day, I occasionally still have to deal with him. I have a boyfriend of two years; Chris has a girlfriend, why can't he just make his own friends? On the outside, he's so nice to people, probably trying to get my group of friends to like him more than they like me, but I know how illogical/mean/stupid he could be and my buddies don't want to get involved. I know him more than his best friend does - probably more than his current GF does.
I'm not looking for people to tell me, "well, you shouldn't have dated him a second time; it's your fault." I still get mad sometimes and I know it's not good for my mental health.
How do you let go of anger like that? Have you ever felt unjustified as I had?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 227 Views: 0 543096 Comments: 0 13046 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (21)
Comment ~
Wow...you dodged a bullet! I think you should try and keep that in mind whenever you start to feel upset by the whole situation. I believe in time the anger will diminish to a more minimal state and hopefully one day completely disappear!
Obviously the guy isn't deserving of your anger. I mean, he seems pretty set in his ways and although he hurt you, the lessons you learned and the person who you've become as a result are a pretty good return.
I would just say that it's not worth being distractingly angry at him--not worth the effort in the least.
I mean, sure, you're validated at being pissed because he put you in physical harm with his STD stunt, but you made it through unscathed and have moved on with your life. At least he made enough of an idiot move to clarify that relationship up for good.
Just don't waste your time and being happy with what you have now! (without him!)
It's hard to put aside the anger you feel when you feel so wronged by someone. I had a relationship similar to yours. Sometimes thinking about how one-sided our relationship was and how much i spent on him makes me sooo angry.......but i have to realize its in the past and because it happened, i'm a better person. I know not to trust as easily, i know to put myself first. I feel like i'm confident enough now to never take that kind of treatment from a man again. Let this be a lesson to you to never again trust or give yourself completely to a man before you feel like they deserve it. Go on with life, you know that you're a decent person and that you DESERVE a GOOD man, so go find him!! :)
How Ironic.. I've been having the shittiest day because someone brought up an ex of mine, who I utterly hate and dispise...We broke up more than 3 years ago and it still makes me so angry just thinking about him.
I would say its gunna take a while, but its different for everyone. I mean shit, 3+ years later and I'm still letting him ruin my day! How pathetic.
Good luck to you, and i really do hope you're able to cut him out of your life. You don't need a loser like that bringing you down. <3
Just remember you're better off now :)
What kind of man in the right mind would date a woman (again, no less) and THEN tell her what she ought to be? What type of man has the audacity to change a girl he wants period? Perhaps, he should have been the one changing. Nonetheless, that is karma for his butt! Congratualtions for breaking up with him, girl!
What a dick. I have that kind of anger towards my recent ex as well. All you can do is shut out any form of contact with him and focus on your own life and your current relationship.
it just wasn't healthy. you're angry, he's angry. yeah...
just don't make that same mistake again when you find yourself trapped.
Sometimes anger is good - it was anger that helped me move on after my second boyfriend dumped me. It was a very unhealthy relationship, but I never realized it until about a month after we broke up and it was good that I was able to move on.
However, anger gets unhealthy when it lasts a long time or takes over your life. I've forgotten about that boy now, and I'm not mad at him anymore because I understand why he was like that. Let it serve its purpose, then move on - otherwise you're just letting him ruin more of your life!
Dang..
forgive..
but never forget..you know?
I've been with my husband for six years and during those six years, we have a lot of ups and downs. Some things that he had done in our past still gets me angry when I think about them but then I ask myself, "What's the point of still holding onto that anger when he's not the same person he was then?" Or in your case, "Why hang on to that anger when you have moved on?" You can forgive but you can't never forget. Sometimes things like this, may need closure and for you to finally move on with your life without looking back.
Let it go. You're better off anyways.
I've felt that kind of anger towards one of my ex, but all you can do is just ignore him.
I was in an almost identical situation to yours not too long ago...idk what advice to give you because some days I still resent him, and other days I just miss him but hold nothing against him. I try to tell myself I shouldn't hold a grudge and forgive (though never forget) because it end up hurting yourself in the end...
this a tough one. it sounds like any energy spent on any part of this relationship, or even thinking about it is a huge waste of time. you definitely did the right thing and yeah sometimes it does take a second time around to make sure the guy is not for you. just be glad that you know that now and can walk away from it. spend your time focusing on your present relationship and yourself. you're at a much better off place now!!
I know what you mean why you cant let go of your anger. I had this ex three years ago who accused me of cheating on him just because I had other male friends.
Anyways, ignore him, if he comes around, ignore. Look forwards for someone better. Stay focus on the present rather than the past :)
@brittbritt__x@xanga - Ah! I was thinking the same thing about my stupid ex. My friend brought him up today after 2 1/2 years of not talking about him. Ugh... It was a swift kick in the gut but I pretended to be okay with it.
Some people make horrid, cruel lovers but okay friends at the same time.
when you find the answer to this, please tell me too. because i'm in a similar situation.... =T
I had a 5 month relationship, where in the entire last month I was completely lied to. I couldn't get over it for the longest time, probably because I've never been so betrayed before; not to mention most of my anger/issue with it involved my best friend. I could not get past it until I tried to understand THEM.
If you can't put yourself in his position and say he's just completely unlearned; doesn't know how to treat women; is just an angry person because of how he was raised, and move on--- then continue to vent about it.
You'll have the people that you talk to most, (yet really care about you), tell you that they want you to stop talking about it because they can't stand it anymore. And frankly, you should too.
i was in a 17month relationship with a guy who abused me and cheated on me... and it still upsets me a lot, especially when he's trying to run away from the consequences and tells mutual friends that i'm the violent and angry one. Â he's very immature and a huge liar.
so it hurts. Â it hurts a lot. Â and it makes me angry that he could lie to me and tell me he really loved me and yet treat me like trash.
but it helps a lot to talk.. i talked with a counselor.. i'm doing much better now. Â it's really a question of forgiving .. truly forgiving and believing that happiness is still possible. Â so it takes time and effort but it happens =]