I was babysitting yesterday, and the girls and I were reading a magazine toward young/teen girls together. One girl wrote in asking for advice, and her predicament was an interesting one. Her dad had died five years before, and her mom was dating again. Mom's most recent boyfriend was a great guy and the reader liked him; they broke up and now she's dating a guy the reader doesn't care for at all. She also noticed that her mom was head-over-heels for this guy and that they'd probably end up getting serious.
My mom died this past summer, and I'm 99.9999999% percent my dad will never date or marry again - it just won't happen. And, to be honest, I'd rather have it that way - not because I don't want him to be happy, because I do, but I think that in both of our minds, there isn't anyone who could ostensibly replace my mom. It'd be weird to walk into my living room and see my dad canoodling with someone - I think I'd feel resentment toward whoever he'd picked because she wasn't Mom. That wouldn't be fair to her, I know, but it's something I don't think I could shake.
I'm also sure this happens with kids whose parents divorce. I'm fascinated by the whole idea of having families fall apart and being built back together (I watched
The Squid and The Whale over and over and over when it came out on DVD) because, until last summer, I'd never had to deal with it.
Whatever the reason, if your parents are no longer together, how did you deal with their split? Did you feel resentment toward someone your mom or dad dated, or is that being unreasonable?
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Comments (65)
So weird that this is being posted -- my brother told me an hour ago that my parents are getting separated. I have no idea how I'm gonna deal with it. The first thing I've been doing is taking care of my little brother through this.
I'd don't think I'd like anyone that either of my parents dated, that's probably to be expected. But, you'll get used to it and eventually learn to like that person.
My parents divorced before my third birthday, and I don't have any memories of them as a married couple. To this day, they cannot stand one another. They argue childishly and avoid each other at all costs.
When my siblings and I graduated from high school, my parents would not even sit on the same side of the bleachers. My mother and her family sat on the home side and my father and his family sat on the other.
It's affected my life in that I cannot get them to come together for holidays and family events. I understand that they dislike each other, but they should be able to act like adults for the sake of their children.
My dad married two more women after my mother, and he divorced both of them. I didn't care for either of them, and the only good aspect was the birth of my little brother. My negative feelings were not simply because he dated other women. They developed because of his poor taste in women, not my resentment toward his divorce from my mother. I have never resented their divorce, because they are better off apart. My mother has never remarried, and she's happily single.
My mom dated pretty soon after mom & dad officially split but it wasnt serious too soon & she didnt rub it in my face or neglect me so that was good & the guy was great to me. I actually felt worse than mom when they split up years later. LOL
@steph - ::hug:: you're an awesome sister to take care of your brother through all that's going on. He's really gonna need you now. I wish I had a sister like that. not to say my older sister isnt there or anything but she's married with kids (well 1 at that time) & then mom & I moved out of state so I was alone alot. I know I was 17 & all but it still affects u even though you're older than some kids you know?
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Thanks. Yeah, I can tell he really needs me. He's 16, but still, it's a hard hit. It really sucks that I'm at college in North Carolina right now, five hours away from where he is, at home. Anything you wish your older sibling would've said/done for you? I just don't know what to tell him anymore.
@StrawberriesMimi@xanga - It's okay. Thanks, I'll try!
@steph - We could have been closer & talked more like we do now. I dont like...blame her or anything because there's a huge gap between us so we're always at different stages in life. She's 10 & a half years older than me. My nieces will be teenagers in my late 30s.! XD
Just be open to talking day or night. Talking for me does wonders & I'm sure it'll help him. the only good thing that comes out of parents divorcing when you're an older kid is no unnecessary fighting about like custody & all that. I dont think I could deal with the severe trauma my friends had/have now.
My dad is single and I don't like the idea of him dating. But I have strong feeling he will and I'm going to have to accept it.
@StrawberriesMimi@xanga - It isn't that they're hateful, it's just that my dad doesn't have his life together & is tearing the family apart & my mom is trying to not have to live her life based off of what he needs. It's complicated, to say the least.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Thanks for the advice, I will totally do that. I already told him to call me anytime.
@StrawberriesMimi@xanga - I'll try to as much as I can, even though I'm five hours away from him.
@StrawberriesMimi@xanga - Mhm. I'll definitely be there as best I can.
Parents got divorced when I was 7. Haven't spoken to my dad in 9 years. I hate him. As far as I'm concerned he doesn't exist. Dealt with it by bottling up my anger and resentment. Developed sense of humor because of it. Made fun of dad, expanded from there.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I desperately wanted them to get back together, and I hoped and wished and (maybe prayed?) for it every night. My mom started seeing someone shortly after my parents split, but I did not really realize he was more than "just a family friend" until they were much more serious when I was maybe 7 and a 1/2 or 8? I don't know when exactly. Anyway, they told us they were to be married. I got really pretty angry and upset and did not want this to happen. I hoped and wished even more that SOMETHING would happen and my parents would magically get back together again. It didn't happen. I think I sometimes did have some resentment for my step-father, but for the most part, it was usually okay. They split 5 years later, and 2 years after that, she's with a new beau. 2 years later (if you're not following the math, this is now when I'm a senior in High School) they got married. I did not really care too terribly much. My mom finally seemed happy, and I was leaving anyway (they married the July after my HS graduation). *Shrugs*
You're looking at the kid of divorced parents. I've come to really like my stepmom and my new sister.
However the men that my mother dates, I'm not too fond of. Like the one that is currently residing in our household. I've tried to be nice (ACTUALLY I am naturally a nice person), but I'm just getting bitterness reciprocated on my end and it's beginning to get frustrating.
I don't know if it's her choice in men, or I just have a certain perception towards men, I'm just "immature" or a "fucking bitch" or because It's happening in my household but I'm not dealing well.
I've lost my mind, hurt myself physically and emotionally, and I'm moving out. I'm NOT dealing well.
@ashleyannaka@xanga - That's kind of what I'm going through now, but my mom managed to get all of this done in 1 year. LOL meet the man, have him move in, and somehow get engaged.
I'm a senior and I'm moving out, so I could care less now.
My parents divorced when I was 12 so at that age I didn't like either of my parents' new SO. My mom is still with the same guy and now I really like him. He makes my mom very happy so that makes me happy.
My dad has awful taste in women however. All of his girlfriends have been bitches pretty much. But again, I'm now an adult and I just want to see my parents happy, whomever they are with.
It takes time to get used to it, but really it's the best thing for everybody. If my parents were still married, I think we'd all be miserable.
Eh my Parents split when I was very little. It didnt bother me. I'm a happy person even though I grew up without my Father.
@steph - The same thing happened with my parents this summer. Take care of your brother and yourself. Support your parents. My dads lifestyle basically tore our family apart, he still comes over sometimes, but its not the same. Good things came out of it though, mom got so much closer to God, as did my sister. We learned to depend on each other. I'll be praying for you.
I was young, but I always knew that my Dad loved me no matter what. I still think like that.