I've never been the type of girl who casually dates and lives it up "single-style". Since high school, I have always been in and out of serious relationships with men who I was convinced at the time were all "the one" that I would spend my life with. There was one relationship in particular (which lasted for over two years) that I was certain would last forever. At some point, I knew that we weren't right for each other. We used to fight over the stupidest things (the music was too loud in the car, his best friend hated me, where were we going to eat dinner?) and ultimately we both got to a point where neither one of us had any idea why we were still together. Have you ever been in a relationship that you were too comfortable to leave?
I knew that I had fallen out of love with him long before we actually broke up.
I was so scared of being alone and not having the security of my long term relationship to fall back on. The truth is, the routine that we developed when we were together was just so comfortable for me. I began to rely on him to be my best friend, my assistant and my boyfriend. He was the person who went to movies with me, ran errands when I didn't have the time, and loved me in the ways that I demanded to be loved. How could I function without him? Despite my inner knowledge of the relationship doomed to failure, the thought of being without him terrified me. After you're with someone for such a long time, you begin to forget what it's like to be an independent person. Stripped of the supposed "love of my life", what did I have left? I had no idea who I was anymore, and somehow I had lost all the courage I needed to take care of myself again.
When he broke up with me, I could barely function. I was convinced that without this person around, I was incapable of living my day-to-day life the way that I had before we got together. How had something I once viewed as a simple high school relationship begun to play such an active role in my life? Slowly but surely, I started learning how to let go of the past and move forward. I met other people, dated other guys, and really took the time to get to know myself again. As I look back now, I realize that I was settling because I was too afraid of what might happen if I chose to move on. If a relationship becomes strictly a habit, it is hard to admit and even harder to break.
Have any of you ever been in a relationship that you were too scared to leave?
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Comments (23)
Great post.. Same thing just happened to me and you made me realize alot of it was staying together out of fear for being without him.
My relationship history looks exactly like yours. Felt like every single guy I dated was the one, and dated them for more than 5 months.
I've been in this sitch mainly with my first bf; knew it wasn't going anywhere but stuck in it just for the sake of it.
With my current bf, I feel like I have my sense of self-identity as well as doing whatever it takes to make him happy. Really is a happy medium, which I didn't understand til I was single for a while.
Yah, I know how that goes.
I was in this relationship with a boy younger than me. (gross I know) but we were together for 10 months. His friends were my friends, and my friends were his. We did practically everything together (sometimes not by choice)
& I knew our relationship died. And we basically were just staying with each other just to stay.
When he broke up with me, I was terrified of everything that was gonna happen.
But ya know what.
Looking back at it
I'm fucking GLAD him and I broke up.
I wouldn't be with the person I'm with now
Or be happy.
@DarkButtercup94@xanga - Me too! It seems like we're all in the same boat when it comes to relationships.
In my case, I'm already with my 4th boyfriend and I'm only 21. All of them have been pretty serious and really intense. There have been some guys I liked here and there but only a couple of those crushes have ever gone beyond just liking someone.
The most serious relationship I had aside from this one was with someone in the Navy. We were together for 13 months when he broke up with me and I was devastated but I found another boyfriend a month later. I really felt that I could love him so even though I didn't, I said "I love you" because I thought one day it would come true. Needless to say, it didn't and I actually knew all along that it wasn't going to be a relationship that would last. It took me 9 months to finally do it and it was because of my ex-boyfriend. Turned out that no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was over him, my boyfriend at the time wasn't really anything more than a really long-lasting rebound. I spent almost EVERYDAY with that boy that days without him would be really lonely. I guess you could say that he was like a drug for me. He made me feel better and he did bring me happiness but for the most part, I really do believe I stayed with him for so long because I didn't want to be lonely. I didn't like the idea of uncertainty, not knowing if I was going to find someone or not. And I didn't like adjusting to life without him because even though I didn't love him, he had become a big part of my life considering that I saw him practically everyday.
After that breakup I was single for a while. It was weird but I was happy. It had been a long time since I hadn't had a boyfriend and that time allowed me to just enjoy my time alone. There was nobody to really worry about, nobody to please. I felt the freedom to do what I wanted to: go out to parties, stay home as late as I wanted to without worrying someone (even though I could still do those things with a boyfriend.... There's just less pressure, you know?). I had a really great time and I kinda wish I had taken more advantage of my single-ness now lol.
I have to admit that with my current I do get moments of uncertainty and I do wonder if we should be together. We've been together over a year and we have had a lot of issues. When I think of breaking up with him, part of the reason why I don't is because I am afraid of being lonely and adjusting to life without him. We actually broke up for a while last year and it was REALLY rough on me. The difference though with this and that other relationship is that I know that's not the only reason holding me back. I do REALLY love him and we have worked through our issues. With that other relationship, there was a point that I KNEW I wouldn't be able to love him and when I thought about breaking up with him, the only reason stopping me was that I didn't know what I was going to do with my life afterwards. It took me a few months after that realization to finally do it so if anyone's reading this and you're in a similar situation, TRUST ME: JUST DO IT!!!!! It's going to be hard but you're going to be glad you did.
By the way, I congratulate everyone here who has been in that kind of relationship and finally managed to do it. I hope it all worked out well like it did with me. :)
No, and I hope I won't ever be in that situation.
yes!!! sOrry of my lyfe...i'm lyke yOu...i'm a relatiOnship gurl fOr sure...i've only had 2 seriOus bf but they were bOth lOnger than a yr...&& each tyme it was soO hard tO get out of the "rOutine" of seeing them...i'm still in that wit my ex...i'm sOo used tO him bein arOund i tOrture myself with the "lets be friends" bull s**t...he's a great friend, but my heart is still invested && i get hurt when i see other gurls are in the picture...i cOmpletely understand...but wat dO yOu dO??!!
only think that heals it is tyme i guess...
yep, but once i got the dirty work (breaking up) out of the way i was soooooo happy!
yeah. but after three years of breaking up and getting back together, having a good period for a while and fighting...I really truly realized that sometimes you're not meant to be! no matter how hard you work. oh, and the most amazing guy that I'm dating now whom I LOVE said something really intelligent. I was talking about marriage being "work" and relationships being a lot of "effort" and he was like, "whoa whoa whoa. Sure, it should be work, but for the most part, it should be fun."
I had been using that whole "relationships are hard work" thing as an excuse for the amount of fighting, etc. I'd endured in my previous relationship. :) now I know: it's not normal for things to go to shit!After you're with someone for such a long time, you begin to forget what it's like to be an independent person.
That's how I feel ... & when our relationship turned sour, I still loved him, don't get me wrong but I didn't know how to be ALONE. I couldn't even fathom the idea. All my friends got so offended, thinking they weren't enough that one ended up distancing herself from me for a while. None of them understood what the fear is like. It's a lot worse than it sounds.
about half a year ago i was in such a relationship. Everything with him was so normal. It was almostlike the way yours was. I didn't have the courage to walk away, but it got to the point, where i knew i had to... i just knew i shouldn't prolong it any longer, because it will hurt him more.=T
ya...it's like what you said...i cant be independent...i count on him in almost evrything...heart break is not just heart break...nothing else hurts more!!
Yes, i grew very dependant upon him. Since he was legal to drive, he was the one that took me to practically anywhere i wanted to go, even if it takes a very long time. I knew the relationship was a failure, but i told myself just to stay in it for a couple more weeks incase something "changes", but nothing ever did. Everytime when i was with him and his friends, it was a very enjoyable time. He's friends were great fun, both girls and boys. I thought if i left him - i won't have such a great social fun life. But if i keep in the relationship - im just hurting myself. So it ended, as it should.
Yup...It's hard to admit that the relationship that you've worked on together for over a year, is doomed to fail but it does. Breaking up is hard. But it also makes a person stronger.
i think in a way a relationship is like an "investment".
you put in effort, feelings and time. and when the investment fails: it doesnt work out/when he decides to leave you, you just feel so jaded and lost. and you tell yourself, perhaps it will get better, perhaps if i do this differently, things will improve, maybe he will love me again.......hoping to revive it by putting in even MORE capital into this failing investment.
i myself am guilty of consciously throwing in more "cash" into this doomed investment of mine... habit. i totally agree. it's all but a habit.
i guess we all know what the right thing to do is. when smth doesnt work out , let it go. yadayada but the difficult part is actually executing it and putting alll these theories into action.
Yes... but after putting up with his relations with other women one too many times, I realized that I was uncomfortable enough to ditch.
It was incredibly painful simply because the relationship had become so routine. It was like suddenly removing lunch from my day. I always felt half empty.
My bff saved me during those times :)
what a great article, anytime we are in a relationship we need to review it...and we need to review how we feel in it....another great tool is visualization, get clear what we want in a relationship and then visualize that and compare if that is matching the relationship we are in...if not then keep visualizing the one we want...i use vision map videos as my visualization tool....here is to happy visualization!!!
darlene
http://visionmapvideo.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/spiritdancing
I'm kind of, sort of going through this exact thing myself minus the break up. Scary.
@tamsoOofr3sh@xanga - doesn't it take more time and effort to type like that?
Why don't you just type regularly instead of doing that?
Yes, I recently got out of a relationship I knew I didn't feel like getting out of. After 3 years with the guy, I was used to him loving me, caring for me, doing things for me. But it wasn't fair fro him because I knew I didn't love him anymore. So when it ended I was heartbroken, and I got back with him because I didn't know how to function without him. Then 3 weeks later, it ended for good. He was the one hurt this time. That's why its smart to get out of a relationship, and then stick to that choice.
Just about a month ago I ended one of these relationships -- we had been living together and it was so hard to tell him how I felt, and then still have to see him every day for a few weeks until he moved. And then, it was even harder coming home to an empty house, where we used to always be together...but in the end, it can only make me stronger, and I'm proud of myself for not running back to him just because he is what I'm used to.
I really like this post!
Well I feel like I can relate a whole lot. I am with my boyfriend now. I feel like things are not the same between us and even though he is sweet sometimes he treats me way different than he did before. We also argue about the littlest thing. It just got to the point where its like "I love him, BUT " I am not in love with him." Its really hard beacuse I can't brake up with him. This relationship has become so routine that I depend on him. Which I hate. So this post stuck with me in soo many ways? Any help any one? Does anyone feel like they stay in their relationship to get back what they once had even though the same things keep happening?