Wednesday, 22 April 2009
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How Have Your Exes Helped Shape Who You Are?
Over the past few years, I have gone on several dates with guys I've gotten to know: former college/high school friends, etc. and what I've come to notice about dating in your 20s is that we all carry our past with us. Believe it or not, a big topic that seems to always come up is the ex - who we dated, why we broke up, why we got together, etc. A big common dating don't is to not speak about your ex, but in my case, it just always came up and never from my initiation. It's almost quite sad: to see how we're trying to move on, trying to find a new mate that won't not break our hearts like the ex; to find someone to make us happy. It reminds me of something not quite unlike taking two separate broken pieces from different objects and seeing if they will fit - maybe not as well as the original parts they were broken off from - but close enough to close the cracks.
I think what each of us is missing is the closeness we felt; the knowledge that we're accepted, happy and comfortable with our counterparts. Finding that comfort takes time, and in today's world, where working consumes most of our lives, it's pretty darn hard finding someone who's right for you and who you can be yourself around.
As for our exes, yes, they are better left off in the past, but they undoubtedly are the ones who make us the way we are today - whether they make us better or worse is for each of us to decide, but I like to think that our exes have made us stronger, and more human: we know what happiness is like, we know what sadness is like and perhaps this is what makes us more careful about who we choose to simply date and who we choose to move on to the next level.
Maybe love only comes once and maybe that's why there are so many single people out there. Maybe we're being too careful and more hesitant or wary about having our hearts broken again. Whatever the case, I'm a firm believer in the idea that being single is better than being with the wrong person (being with someone for the sake of being with someone) and loving/being happy on your own is something we often forget to do.
So although the dates I've been on have stayed just that, I'm okay with not moving on to the next level because as we all seem to have realized, when you reach the top only to have it all fall back down...it hurts like hell and forgetting that kind of pain is an ordeal in and of itself.
Do you believe your exes have helped shape who you are? Have they helped shape your concept of love? How?
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- From: aPieceOfTheSky@xanga
- Name: Eileen
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Comments (33)
Really good post :]
I think the people I've been involved with in the past help me realize what I do or don't want in relationship or person.
For me, yeh. He was my first love & my first serious relationship so he did stuff for me that I thought was fairytale-like before, I mean I thought it just wasn't possible for someone to love you that much until he came along. I think he's made me a stronger person today because of what he did for me in our two year relationship. I agree with @steph - I think I have a better understanding of what I want in a relationship & the guy, whether it be personality or likes/dislikes.
He taught me what love is and what it shouldn't be.
And that just because you like someone doesn't mean that you'll be the best for them... and that just because you love someone, doesn't mean that it's enough, either.
I've learned many things from my exes. Such as:
-Religion and politics DO matter in a relationship.
-Being clingy is not a good thing.
-Arguments in a relationship is quite normal.
-Relax and enjoy life, don't be so insecure about it.
And of course, what I do and do not want in a relationship.
Yes every single guy I have been with has added something to me which has in turn made me who I am today. Because of them, I am MUCH stronger, I know now that heartbreak happens and I know I can survive it. I know that love is hard and something you have to work at but there's nothing more amazing than being in love.
"I'm a firm believer in the idea that being single is better than being with the wrong person "
I agree 100%. Although it hurts to see that the person you love is not right for you, it is better to be alone than to stay in a relationship like that. The end is inevitable, no matter how hard you fight to keep it going.
Also I learned that it's ok to give your heart away, every single time. Even if every single time you get hurt. It's the only way to find who is right for you and makes it easier to see who is wrong for you. You can't live life being safe, you have to give all you have every time and hope that in the end it all works out :)
why yes, my abusive asshole ex has given me multiple psychological problems, but at least I'm writing a book about it and can help other people.
I used to cry over EVERYTHING. I was just a very over emotional person. My ex-boyfriends made me cry a lot, and they would put me down. I eventually realized it's not worth it anymore. Now I'm truly a strong person.
I don't know if I've learned anything. Different relationships with different people, sometimes things I didn't like in one were okay in another.
If anything, my ex breaking up with me after two & a half years has shaped who I am. It's amazing how you can change after being with someone who was emotionally/verbally abusive. I've become a better person without him but I am still careful when it comes to being with someone again. I don't want to end up with someone like him again.
they've made me paranoid. All my exes have cheated on me, so now the guys I hang out always note that I'm paranoid to the 9th degree.
They all shape who I am today especially the first ex since he was my first boyfriend and love. He taught me how to love, but most importantly I learned what I want from a relationship and what is my breaking point.
I learnt from my exes that they can't be trusted because the majority of them cheated on me with someone else or treated me like crap.I can't say I was "in love" with many of them, but the one I was in love with is now my very bestfriend, it didn't work out, she taught me that I should be myself because she loved me for me and did many things to keep me going day by day. I love her shes great. I'm a stronger man because of her.
I learned from my first ex that adultery is commonplace amongst Christian circles. I learned from my 2nd ex that rebound relationships rarely work out or rarely work in your favor in the end. As for the love part, I learned that there's a difference between being "in love" with someone and simply "loving" someone. I wouldn't say that either of my exes "helped" shape me to who I am today but I would say that they "have" shaped me to who I am today.
I've never been in a relationship but as far as I know, have a greater understanding on human interaction and girls than most of my friends.
I think it's because I am very conscious about listening to the stories my friends tell me and learning from them (while living and learning through my own experiences).
I think that to say that ex's shape who you are is incredibly vague. Everybody you interact with and meet in your life shapes who you are.
From your professor who gave you that life changing lecture to that bully who made you self conscious about being yourself, we are 24/7 going under change while trying to maintain who we think we are.
Of course somebody you had a special emotional relation with is going to have an impact on who you are.
and you're right, it's better to be alone rather than with someone you're not meant to be with. i feel you can be in love with more than one person in your life, but the key to keep a couple together is true commitment and the willingness to work things out. marriage is not always going to be a walk in the park. the couple needs to want to make it work.
Thanks for a thoughtful post and questions.
@eternal_relevance@xanga - I like what you said!
My first serious relationship taught me what it is like to love. I learned compromise between parties and I've also learned what it's like to compromise yourself. I have learned intimacy, pure joy, and selflessness. I've learned what it's like to see all of a person's faults and yet stand in awe of him and cherish him all the same. I also know what it is like to be taken for granted, to be lied to, and to realize that people change and that nothing today is for certain tomorrow.
I learned that in first loves, especially young loves, both parties are learning, but usually one person ends up taking a lot of abuse because they think that this is it--this is the only one who can and who will love you.
From my first love, I learned my first heart-break. I learned what jealousy is, what bitterness is, and what complete rock bottom feels like. I know what it's like to be humiliated, but then I've learned what it means to be humbled and to be compassionate. I know what it is like to be replaced for another. But without someone else, I've learned independence and a kind of strength I didn't know I could obtain. And with all the disdain and anger that I've known, I'm also learning more and more what total and unconditional forgiveness means.
Haha, so I guess he taught me a lot.
oh my gosh. I truly believe that the only reason why god makes you go through dating some people is to learn lessons from them.
first boyfriend in high school: nice enough to everyone else but me, popular, smart, wasn't sure I was good enough for him, and I could tell that he agreed. Therefore, I pretty much adopted his views. on....drugs, alcohol, sex, marriage, clothing (I'd hear, "don't wear that. it makes me look bad." or "see, that's why my parents hate you")...everything. he was also NOT affectionate at all, but highly sexual. Sounds the same, you might say? Trust me. It's not. do you feel used after cuddling?? I don't think so.What he taught me: that my first BIG love (I thought) could end, and I could get over it. It took me a whole summer and 25 pounds (yuck) but I did it! I also realized that while I still will never do drugs, I do drink now, and I do not think that sex MUST be for marriage. I also learned that in the next relationship I want someone who loves me for me, not my body/sexual favors. isn't it funny someone who put such tight rules on sex used me like that?
Second:complete and total opposite! this guy was a singer/actor/musician. ridiculously affectionate. not THAT intelligent. he later got super clingy (see how I went to the other side of the spectrum?) and when he yelled obscenities and called me "BITCH!" I broke up with him. immediately.what that taught me: I'm ballsy, dammit. I really do NOT take crap from people. it was nice to realize that for the first time, I was acting for myself.
Third: dated him for 3 years. He was 8 years older than me. I didn't think the age difference mattered- it did. HE thought I was dumb for not knowing stuff about normal stuff he knew about because I hadn't lived it yet. He thought I was dumb because I still wanted to go out with my friends. He thought he knew how to do everything better. Basically, he had already lived his 20s, and mine had just begun. That and the belittling led me to break up with him after 3 years, even though we had some good times.what that taught me:maintain some semblance of independence in your relationship. If a guy is mean to you, truly mean, leave. If he can never apologize, leave. And talking things out may feel like you've done something? but if it's your 10th "if things don't change I'll leave" conversation and nothing changes, you should leave.
the guy I'm dating now:respectful. anal about cleaning, yet finds it hilarious that I am a disgusting slob. intelligent, but thinks that I'm smarter than him (untrue). musician, but balancing it out in his life by majoring in economics and playing gigs on the side. Friends with people from all walks of life. actually apologizes if he feels he has done something wrong.
I feel like I learn how to be in a normal relationship with him with every wonderful, passing day :)
My Ex is responsible for making me waaay more confident and comfortable with my body and personality. He broke me out of my shell and I'm reallllly grateful for that.
My ex shaped who I am today because he made me strong & confident.
my favorite quote is "Behind every beautiful girl is a dumb@$$ guy that did her wrong and made her strong"
I'd felt like a defect for the longest time. Every guy I dated in the past turned out gay or was questionably so. Also, I hadn't been able to stay in a relationship longer than two months at best so, naturally, I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I met my fiance and all those molds and misconceptions I had about myself shattered completely.
I'm pretty good at screening guys now. I know what to look out for--undesirable traits and other indicators.
very well put. i think no matter what every single person that have come in your life at one point of time, will always leave a mark on you. help shape you into who you are. of course i had those exes. i have a few that affected me. but hey what can i say?
ya...i always think of my ex...it's hurt when i think of how he broke my heart and how i have to move on....i learnt to appreciate....i appreciate my current relationship...i try my best not to make any trouble....i tolerate in everything just because i dont wanna lose someone i love...and ya, i am aware of getting new dates...it's just cuz i'm afraid of getting hurt...
thanks girl!!...it's a nice post...and you have said what i always wanted to say...
even if i think of my ex, that doesnt mean i still love him or i cant let go....but, that is a lesson i've learnt....
Only one relationship really comes to mind for something like this. And she really khelped me evolve as a person. I'm less conservative, mor ecool tempered, I can get over things much easier, and I gained a lot of wisdom in our relationship. I also know now what I'm looking for. But on the other hand she did turn me into an emotional trainwreck and I'm very closed off to everyone now.