Tuesday, 21 April 2009
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Long-Term LDRs - Is It Worth It If The Future's Uncertain?
Last September I started a two semester program at a university more than 4,000 miles away from the school I actually attend (think of him as being in one corner of the US and me being in the opposite one). The experience has been wonderful, and during this time, I have met many great friends. This has turned out to be a mixed blessing though as I have now been dating a guy attending school here for almost five months. When we met, we both knew that I would be leaving in May, so we never intended to actually have a relationship. Needless to say, things happened. Love happened. I am very passionate about him and we fit well together. Our personalities complement each other and we tend to calm each other down in various ways.
So, now it is almost May and I need to go home to finish my degree. There is no guarantee that we will see each other in the near future because plane tickets are more than $1000 round trip. I know that this is one of the big things that long distance relationships need - a point in the future when you will be able to see the person. Right now, it is just not possible for us to know when we will have the money.
As far as the future goes, we both have very clear career goals. He will be attending graduate school in the same state and I will be attending a school that is closer, but still 2,000 miles away. We have spent time searching for schools that might accommodate us both, but there are none that have programs that are strong in both areas.
Our relationship struggles sometimes because we are both afraid to get too far into this relationship only to face years apart. Part of me wants to say that it was fun while it lasted, but that our futures are just too different for us to continue the relationship. Another part of me wants to hold on to this relationship because I can see us going really far together. Then again, it has only been five months.
I am not afraid that our relationship will suffer because of the distance. We have enough trust to survive this and we definitely have the communication skills to keep the relationship strong. I am mostly worried about the individual pain it will cause - mostly the loneliness.
Considering that there is a high likelihood of being in a long distance relationship for six or seven years, what would you do? Would you accept that your futures just aren't compatible or would you try your best to have a long distance relationship? Have you ever known anyone who was in a long distance relationship for that long?
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Comments (43)
Sometimes we have to do things we don't wanna do. I've been in LDR and so has my ex boyfriends sister who is now engaged to her LDR. She get's so see him every 6 months or so and he is being deployed to Korea and she won't see him for a year or so. Both of our relationships have always been LDR's. If you truly care for him and him for you, you will make it work.
Goodluck and I hope the best for you
Oh I wanted to also mention that things get eaiser with time. You start forming a new life for yourself. The lonliness eases away...if you keep yourself busy and figure out different things you can do for each other with the distances like packages and buying a web cam to talk, letters, it makes it all worth the while and very easy.
Six or seven years is a long time to be in a relationship where you two don't get to see each other on a regular basis. Unless you can both make plans to see each other at least every six months, I don't know how it'll work out. I mean, if you both communicate well and trust each other it could work. But six to seven years is a long time. It's worth a try. You can see how both of you do, and if it doesn't work, you don't have to continue.
*shrugs* I'm doing the same thing. I don't know when he and I will be able to actually be in the same state together for more than a week or two every four months, but I love him enough that we're both willing to make it work. If you love him, go for it. It's always worth a shot.
To answer your question, I will take my chances and see where it goes. As long as I know I tried then I'll have no regrets.
I also had a LDR with my husband for three years but I'm glad we both deal with all those hardships that came our ways. It just made both of us appreciate each other more.
I wish I knew, but only you can decide. I've been in a LDR for a year now, plus 2 years together before that. Having no end in sight is so frustrating. Then again, some married couples do the long distance thing for many years, including the parents of my friend for most of her 21 years.
The guy I like is leaving for Afghanistan in six months. I believe that if we do date that yes it will be hard but he is worth it and our relationship would be worth it. If your guy is worth it stay in a relationship with him. Its gonna be tough but who said love was easy?
It truly depends. My friend had only been with her boyfriend for 4 months before they entered into a LDR for the ENTIRE length of her college years...that's 4 years apart. They only got to see each other briefly for the longer vacations, but they're one of the cutest couples I've ever met. Now they've been together almost 6 years and are still great together.
My LDR didn't work so well...we weren't even that far apart, and yes, we thought it'd work, and we had great communication and all the things that you talked about...but things just didn't work out as planned. Now we're trying to get back together, but we're setting a definite time that we NEED to be in the same state again. So..it takes a lot of thinking and planning but it's still doable. Anyway, good luck~
That's a difficult decision to make. I've been in a long distance relationship for 14 months now, but the plane ticket between Chicago and Atlanta is only $200, so we see each other about once a month. Plus I'm finishing school now and moving to Chicago for him. Being able to see each other fairly often, and having an "end date" for the distance was very important to us, and we would not have started dating without that.
I suggest that you try the long-distance. It's not too bad. Yes, you will miss each other, but as long as you both have other things in your life (hobbies, sports, friends, school, jobs, families), it won't be too bad.
The two necessary things for long distance is trust and good communication, and you have those. You should give it a shot. At least that way you know that at least you tried.
Good luck!
Settling for a long term relationship just smacks of desperation and poor self-esteem. Do you not have the confidence to find someone equal or better in at least a neighboring city?
My biggest piece of advise would be to give it a try. You'll always regret it if you don't and, as the cheesy old line goes, its better to have love and lost than never have loved (or continued to love in your case) at all...
Now, I think things to make this easier would be Definite plants to get together in the future, even if its years away, you have to keep that a determine plan or it may easily fall apart.
Also, I was in an LDR from Mass to Cali (tickets were cheaper for us though, about $500 roundtrip)... you should do all you can to take trips out though, maybe for the summer and such you can work in the same areas. I think that will def. make things a lot more workable.... both of you can save up and constantly check travel deals way in advance (they're all cheaper).
Finally, just make sure you guys make each other a priority when you're apart.
I hope thats helpful from what little advice I can give from my own previous LDR status... =]
When is the future ever certain?
If my boyfriend of two years and three months and I decide to stay together for/wait for each other through college (which is a year away), we'll spend at least four years in separate states, plus time for his med school and my two masters' degrees and at least one PhD. His parents broke up for college and now have four children, so the future looks bright... or, at least, it can look bright if we wish it to be.
Take a chance. The future is only what you make it to be.
Give it a shot. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out.
give him a chance. im kinda in the same situation, by boyfriend is now in college, and wheni go, we probably wont be in the same state. it sucks, but is totally worth it. and worst comes to worst, its not working for you and you have to end it. just give things a shot because you dont wanna look back and think of wht could have been.
Yeah im in a LDR too. and so far its been working out OKAY. i hope/try to see him oncce a week. but ya.
All i've learned is..you gotta have trust. my bf plans to move in with me and wants to go to college with me..but i mean thats the future. you just never know what will happen.
he hates that he cant see me all the time but has learned to just accept it because thats all he can get right noww. =]
but ya, anything can work if you two are willing to give it a shot.
and that guy who said that people in LDRs are desperate and have low self-esteem. obviously dosen't understand how two people can care so much about each other and want to do whatever it takes to stay with each other.
so don't judge if you haven't even experienced something yet.
I've been in a long distance relationship (although only a 4-5 hour drive away) for many months now, and I can tell you that yes, it can get very lonely and the individual pain can get to be a real bother...Â
BUTit's worth it.  Definitely.I know you two will have a very long time apart... but sometimes that loneliness is necessary for a higher appreciation of the time that you will have together, whether it's after a few months, or after a few years.  You two seem to have a good understanding for and trust of the other, so it seems to me that the worst that could happen, is you give it a go and you end up growing apart.  While I know that seems extremely tough, at least you can say you tried, right?  Better to let it run it's course than to cut it off early, I think, unless you honestly believe right now that it would do more harm than good. If it helps at all, I know a couple who are in a long distance relationship, and in about a month and a half they will be seeing each other for the first time in 5 years.  They couldn't be happier or more excited.Â
I say go for it. Â If you are as happy with him as you seem, and you can honestly see a future for your relationship, then why not? Â Just stay on the lookout for cheap airfare and maybe you can both save up and pitch in for one of you to visit the other :)Â
Good luck!Â
Hmm, I'm going through something disturbingly similar (even with the not being together through grad school thing). Whoever posted this should message me!
Any and all relationships are uncertain, be them long distance or short. Just take the plunge and try; although cyncially speaking, I wouldn't hold my breath.
Same situation.
I leave for NYC for college while he stays right here.And he's planning on going to college in this state.My solution? So both of us don't get screwed over by idealism is to break up for a while and find each other again when he moves to the city.
Romance movie like? Yes.Maybe too hopeful? Yes.But I don't think it'd work any other way.
My boyfriend decided he wanted to attend grad school in Australia. He graduates sometime next year, but can't tell me when he'll be home. I just graduated from college, am unemployed and have had no luck in finding a job, so I won't see him until he gets home, whenever that is. We barely get to talk to each other because there is a 15 hour time difference- I think we've talked for all of 10 minutes in the past week. It's been really hard, and I don't see it getting any easier as time goes by. We've been together for a year and half next week, and I'm completely in love with him, so you really just have to hope. He originally left, saying that he didn't know when he would be back, leaving it open to him being gone for years, and I assured him that it would be ok.
So, you just gotta hope. It won't be easy, but if you really love this guy, it'll be worth it. Good luck to you guys!
if u love someone enough. distance doesnt even matter. my bf was deployed to iraq.. so of course there's no way of seeing him at all.. and the future was uncertain cuz i didnt kno whether or not he'd come back alive.. or if he'd come back the same.. but he's home now.. and i feel like we havent missed a beat :) u shud take ur chances and see where u end up!
can i just be completely honest with you? it's going to suck big time with a ldr, i have been there many of times and we went thru so many hardships in so many directions, but there are some good out of it. you learn to be patient, honest and be really good at communication but both parties have to be willing to work at the ldr to work. if ones doing all the work, it's not going to work. and ldr is a type of relationship that takes a lot of work but the rewards are great if it works right. from my own experience, i became obsessed with wanting to be with someone because he was so faraway. and then finally, i grew apart from him because i wanted more. just be careful. no one wants to hurt anyone intentionally. make sure that both of you are committed.
LDRs do suck. But you'll regret it if you don't try. Follow your heart!
LDRs are not for the faint of heart... I'm in one now.
Just like any relationship it has its own sets of ups and downs. Its all about whether or not you think he's worth it. Its not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.