This month marks two years since I started my last relationship, and a year and half that I have been without one completely.
It also marks the end of six months of silence between me and my most recent ex.
Last Thursday, I'm lying in bed, wrapped up in my new down comforter, listening to the latest Ani album in preparation for her show in Cleveland next weekend and generally enjoying myself. That is, until my cell phone beeps, and I see a familiar number on my screen - with no name attached to it. Because it had been removed about six months prior due to a late night, alcohol-induced verbal brawl. Yep, it was my ex's number.
Basically, the text said something about how much he thinks about me and misses me, how awful he was to me and how amazing I am (um, duh!), etc. etc.
At first, I laugh and consider ignoring it completely.
Although I broke up with him, I spent months and months of my life trying to convince him that I knew I made a mistake and that I'd be a better girlfriend if only he would give me a chance again. I practically stalked him at his house (by finding ways to ensure his roommates invited me to their parties!), sent drunk text messages or drunk dialed at least once a weekend and "just happened" to frequent the same bars. You know, by accident. Eventually, though, I realized I was being that super lame, crazy breed of ex-girlfriend. So I gave up and got over it.
Then, I turn on the T.V. to see a couple engaging in some public displays of affection and I feel a funny little feeling in my stomach. Loneliness.
So, I texted back something about how maybe we could meet for coffee and talk. And then, the wheels in my imagination started turning. What if we started seeing each other again? Could I really forgive him for the way he treated me post-breakup? Would our problems that first caused us to break up to begin with really be remedied? And considering it has been almost a year and a half since we were officially together, has it just been too plain long since we've been together?
I have yet to meet the boy for coffee, but I am still wondering if there is an expiration date on exes, a time when getting back together with someone feels too much like stepping back in time.
How long is too long?
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Comments (28)
There isn't really an expiration date, in my mind. I think in this case, though, you don't miss this guy in particular, it seems as if you miss having a boyfriend in general.
Exes are exes for a reason -- I wouldn't get back with him, even if he wanted to (which it seems like he does.) Don't let him think he can push you away when he likes, and have you back whenever he wants. You don't want him to think he's got that kind of power over you.
PS- Are you talking about Ani as in Ani DiFranco? If so, rock on :]
A year or more should be enough to get back with an ex without taking a step back in time. A year is a long time. Sometimes enough for both parties to mend their broken hearts, lick their woulds, learn from their mistakes, and mature in general. If things work out, before getting into the relationship again, work on the issues that had cause you two to break up in the first place. Take it slow and take your time to getting to know each other again. Though it might seem familiar, reality is, everything between you two have changed in some ways since then.
I don't think he'll want to have coffee again with a psycho ex.
Lol.
Okay, okay, let me get this straight; you say he treated you badly before you broke up. I assume that's why you broke up. Then after the break up you were lonely and missed him, so you stalked him and said you'd do better if you got back together. So, who was the bad one in the relationship? Who treated who like shit? If I knew that, I'd be able to say some foul words and tell you that you were a moron not to ignore it.
Well, I can say that anyway. You were a moron to not ignore that text. If he treated you badly, why do you want to go back to that? I mean really.
An expiration date on exes? Interesting concept, I'd never considered it. Though, in my opinion, they expire the moment we break up. They are exes for a reason: It obviously didn't work. Someone didn't put in enough work, someone didn't care, someone didn't feel the same, someone was a jerk, etc. At least one person was a shithead, basically. Otherwise the relationship would be perfect and nobody would have broke up.
I don't necessarily think you're stepping back in time by getting with an ex, but you could be making a really dumb move. I mean, if you're both willing to change, it could work. I'm not a pessimist. But if it was extreme, ahh..
So, this situation is very similar to mine. Uncannily bloody similar if we take into account your love for Ani DiFranco, as I'm pretty obsessed with her talent.
In my opinion, yes. Going back out with your ex after so long does feel a bit like trying to go back in time. You have to really think about the reasons why the two of you broke up. It seems to me that you only texted him back because you were lonely - not a great start to a relationship. Not to mention you were the "crazy ex". Obviously, you were obsessed with him and he could be using that as a manipulation tactic. All in all, I never think it's a good idea. Rarely does it ever work out.
Sorry if I was terribly morbid, but I had to learn all this the hard way.
Oh, and have seeing Ani live. I haven't seen her yet, but oh, I would love to.
i'd like to say "exes are exes for a reason" but people change... just try it out. if it was me though i would give it more like five years, a year and a half is too short
A relationship expires when you breakup. Do you drink spoiled milk? Eggs? I think not.
I think the when you break up its more of a count down from the relationship expiration to when you can date again. Really the longer you wait the easier it is to get back together. However a year + should be long enough. Just fix the problems.
This has also happened to me. Though, we had still talked. It's not like we stopped communicating like you two did. But, after breaking up and getting back together I just got sick of it. After a year and a half, two years? We got back together. It didn't last very long, I wasn't very into it. Like it seems you aren't. I was lonly as well, just like you say you are. I ended up breaking up with him for the final time, and thinking that that last time was what I needed to realize that it's over and has been over.
So I say, go for it. You might just realize that it's done for good, OR something good could blossom out of it. You never know.Â
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You have a pt there. It depends on the situation, if you are both in another phase of life and going your own directions and you no longer have the same interests, I think that's when you shoudl move on regardless of whether feelings and sentiments still exist, it just reflects show strong your bond was together.
Just be fuck buddies. Oops, am I allowed to say "fuck" on xanga?
Is he truly worthy of a fine lady like you? Is he a forging and understanding gentleman? He did not call you for a long time? Why not? The male is supposed to do the pursuing. How many gals has he 'really' gone out with and seem them end like yours.
I think you deserve much better. Set your sights high. I saw my gal and married her 53 years ago.
expiration date : anything more than a year is too long...
If he treated you horribly bad, why would you want to give him a second chance?
After 18 months, I would think that you'd have found someone new who treats you better...maybe you should focus on the here and now...there are always other people out there ready to be better than your last ex...and who knows? Maybe your last ex, was your VERY last EX-.
I just think that if you break up with someone for a good reason such as personal conflicts then you should not get back together because its very rare for people to change. Also, if the guy mistreated you after the breakup then of course you don't get back with him! You should've just ignored the text he was probably just bored.
I'm also going through something similar right now. I broke up with my ex I guess almost 2 years ago and after we broke up we basically remained friends but in a really phony way. Now I recently decided not to speak to him anymore because I found that this friendship we kept was doing nothing for me but upsetting me every now & then. & now he's tried at least 5 times to get in touch with me but I have been ignoring him because I know he's only doing this to cure boredom and I'm not here for his entertainment. In the famous words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; let the dead past bury its dead
I think if you get back together with this guy you may feel good while there, but eventually your just gonna feel more lonly when you realise there not the one. This will just lead to more pain for both of you.
i say try and if it works then it works, if it doesn't then you got your answer. my fiance and i had our ups and downs and broke up a total of three times before our last hook up and finally he and i decided that if this fourth time doesn't work then it's definitely going to be over but it worked and we're getting married next year. there's not expiration on love, it's just that people aren't willing to work at it.
I wouldn't say there's a limit to when you can start seeing somebody again. You never know. But if it wasn't that good in the first place, why do it all over? Just another set back from Mr. Right, ya know?
I do love that you admitted all of your post-break up behaviors though. Most people don't these days.
Most people say half of the relationship.
But if things like this were solved so scientifically, who'd even have problems?
I suggest that if you DON'T want to be with him.. Don't go out for the little coffee plan that you brought up.
I don't think there is such a thing as an expiration date. People can change but if he treated you badly then why would you want to go back to that?
Really think about what you want. You could just be thinking this coz you're lonely.
There is no expiration date IF and only IF the relationship ended because one of you wasn't ready for a commitment, or you felt you needed to see other people "to be sure." In fact there is no time warranted at all. This would be the type of relationship to step right back into - or even if you had one bad incident and especially if it was mutual.
But this guy treated you badly, and from the sound of it, you originally pursued him and not the other way around. That he is sending you a text saying he was wrong, that you're amazing, sounds like a classic abuser type who is without someone to dominate and abuse.
Get away very fast and don't see him
If you don't follow that advice, remember in the back of your head that if he ignores you, treats you badly, downgrades you for something, then it is truly time to get the hell out of dodge
I tried getting back together with an ex, and the only good thing about it was that I realized we really couldn't be together. I think it's best to move on and try it again with someone else, even though it's tempting to jump back into a relationship with your ex. It's easy and within your comfort zone, but not always the best way to do things.
unfortunately, i reallie think the exes should just stay exes...Â
What are you thinking???????
it depends. do you still have that heart-warming feeling for him? can you say you still love him? care about him?
it took me 3 years to get over my ex. completely. last year, we got back in touch via texting. i sent it, out of curiousity if he's still using the number, as i left the country to study after our breakup. the conversations were too polite n casual. despite he suggested we to meet, he never initiated any dates or venue and time. i didnt have the heart to be the initiative one either (usually, i'm the one in our past relationship). that's when i realized, i don't have the same feeling for him anymore. he had hurt me too bad - doubledating a long lost friend of mine, pretending he's single n keeping it from me. he wasnt worthy of my most basic friendship or care n concern.
it's really your choice.