Monday, 20 April 2009
-
I'm Cheating with a Cheater
I've been in a very hard, arduous but positively progressing relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a bit now. I've been overseas with him to meet his whole family, which included the types of people I really didn't like; a culture of chauvinistic men and unreasonable women who smoke in front of children and judge girlfriends like objects. I've also had to suffer a bit from his psycho long distance ex and deal with his mother who hates me because I am short, cannot help him financially, and can't speak her language. He knows I have negative attitudes towards his traditional culture, and he has been told to break up with me by his family overseas many times, but he just called them uneducated and unreasonable and wants to be with me. I know I have given everything I had into maintaining and protecting this relationship, and it was extremely hard and painful at times, but it's finally stable and he is finally putting into practice a system which works for us. He is a guy I can rely on and trust to make wise, beneficial decisions. He has taken out his stress on me a lot, but I promised to always be there for him. But now I wonder, have I been exhausted?
A guy at work has been getting closer to me, but he has a GF of nearly 4 years. He started asking me out for lunch as friends, and we can communicate and talk so well together, engaging at a level which my boyfriend and I could not. I thought I just wanted to have another really good guy friend, but things happened and now we cheated on both our partners. His siblings have found out and his GF and friends are getting suspicious. I think I am potentially ruining his social life. I know I am going to get many flames from this, but I wonder, what's the best thing to do in a situation like this?
If you ask, who do I love, I'd say my boyfriend, hands down. But I doubt we can realistically get married, although he is already planning our future (but I am only 18). I feel like I have a larger life to live, and this complication is just not my priority. I just want to clean up this mess and give my workmate peace of mind again. I have done a bad thing, but I want to learn from this experience. What's your advice?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 227 Views: 0 543096 Comments: 0 13046 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (41)
Advice? Honestly, and not to sound like a horrible person ... but if you can cheat on someone, then you need to sit back and reflect on how much you love them. If you can do that, then something in the love-department is seriously lacking.
Reverse the situation. If you were completely faithful to your boyfriend, and then found out he slept with someone else, how would you feel? Not to mention that you talk about his family being judgemental, yet in the same sentence you make a comment about women that smoke in front of their children, and you call the men chauvinistic which in affect is you judging them. They're from somewhere else; their culture is different.
Get rid of the boyfriend. No matter how much you have stood by his side and delt with him taking his stress out on you, cheating is cheating, and unforgiveable no matter how you look at it. This is coming from someone who has been cheated on after pouring my soul into a three year relationship. The pain is unbearable, and cannot be excused.
Darn, my comment got deleted. First time datingish ever did that to me. Hmm.
If your boyfriend isn't right for you, even though you love him (but you can't communicate with him), you should let him go. Dump the guy you're cheating on him with, because he'll just cheat on you, which will continue to screw up your dating life. Find another guy altogether. Relationships are things to learn from, so each next one gets better (or it should, if you learned from the last one).
Or, you know, whatever.
Also, in regards to the above comment: people don't cheat because they don't love their partner enough, they cheat because they're missing something in their relationship that they don't have with their partner.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - It's not the first time. Trolly, off-topic comments are deleted.
@datingish - Thanks for keeping me in line.
You should take some time to yourself and think about things. I would tell your boyfriend what happened and I would distance yourself from this friend at work. Focus on yourself and think about what's best for you. Cheating on your boyfriend is not respectful to him, you, and the relationship as a whole. Be true and fair.
I agree with @Dare2BDiferentt@xanga, you should learn from both of these relationships and move on to someone else. And as someone who has experience with cheating, he is right. 9 times out of 10 someone cheats because they are missing something from the relationship that they are in.
Might have to dump both guys in order to find yourself, love yourself and have a fresh new start sometimes.
You made a mistake and now u have to learn from it. but i dont think u should stay in a relationship if there is something thats missing from it. just distance yourself from both guys and figure yourself out hun...its the only way to go right now. goodluck!!!!
As painful as it will be for both you and him, I say break up with the boyfriend. You should have done that before you chose to cheat, but what's done is done. It sounds like you are already making excuses for yourself (his family hates me; I'm not ready to settle down), so it'll be easier to do. Stringing him along, and of course cheating on him, is ony doing him more harm.
IMHO, I don't think you should hook up with the new guy either. What you're feeling is (probably) infatuation or lust. It could be because he's giving you positive attention--something you may be lacking in your current relationship.
I'm worried about what you mean by the "he takes his stress out on me" line. Does he hit you? Do you fight alot? If so, that should be incentive enough to leave. Maybe that's part of why you cheated.
Dump them both. At least dump the boyfriend because that relationship only has a future of pain and difficulty. You are too young to be lining yourself up for the sort of future you would suffer in that relationship.
As for the cheating, I am not surprised that this happened because you are both in difficult situations and can relate to each other because of it, being able to discuss your problems and make a connection you can't make with your SOs. However, if you were to try to make this cheating relationship into a full relationship, you would probably find that the connection is more superficial than it seems right now. Also, the pain that you would cause to your current SOs and loss of respect that would result from others around you; ultimately, neither of these relationships have a future and in my own humble opinion, you sound like you could do with a break from relationships for a little while.
You're young, there's no need to go rushing into such seriousness so soon. Relax and take some care of yourself.
sounds like you already know what to do. what was the point of this post?
Get rid of the guy you can live without.
Get rid of both.
You're dissatisfied with your boyfriend, you're tired of him. Get rid of him.
The guy who's cheating with you- he'll cheat on you too. Get rid of him.
Just to throw it out there, your co-worker is also a major player in destroying his social life, not just you.
You said it yourself, the complication of the relationship isn't your priority. I feel like the complications of a relationship - and dealing with them - is the main part of learning and growing with a partner. If you want a break from this, tell your boyfriend so, and tell him what you've done if you haven't already. His family, if they're really as you described, will not be supportive of your relationship any time soon. If you can't deal with that, then it's probably best to consider ending things before there's any more bloodshed.
Also, if you're still involved with your co-worker, it's probably best to end things with him, too. Let him deal with his girlfriend and friends.
Do you truly want to learn from this mistake? I have doubts.
Whatever you do learn from it.
sounds like you need to be single for awhile and give yourself time to grow up before you're with anyone.
if you don't see yourself marrying the bf AND you're cheating on him, why prolong the inevitable break up? oh, wait- you already knew it's not going to last, right?
and don't break up with the bf just to go out with the cheater, even if he offers to leave his girfriend for you. because if he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you (probably with the girl he left for you).
i don't think the problem is your relationships. i think it's that you're trying to be too committed to someone else when you don't really know yourself yet. it's ok to be single.
:)
I won't flame you.
my advice is to come clean, and see what happens from there. the truth hurts, but especially in situations like this, honesty is the best policy.
Get rid of both of them, because he has a girlfriend and because you're 18 in a problematic relationship you can't remain faithful in.
There's this saying somewhere from that movie that went (I'm paraphrasing because I cant recall it exactly) along the lines of, "Sometimes you have 80% and you long for the rest of that 20% so long that when the missing 20% comes along, you jump at the chance- not realizing you're giving up 80% for the 20%."
Or something like that. Hahhaah. But to be honest, I wouldnt stress about it. You're only 18 years old.
:)
Um...
If you would like to give your workmate peace of mind, as well as yourself, leave the situation alone. Especially now that things haven't gotten completely out of hand in the drama department. If his friends and family are becoming supicious of you two, eventually somebody's going to crack and spill the news to his GF. A lesson learnt from this situation could be one of two things: A) never fraternize with co-workers or B) never fraternize with co-workers, esp if they have a significant other of four years.
As far as your BF goes "He knows I have negative attitudes towards his traditional culture... But I doubt we can realistically get married, although he is already planning our future (but I am only 18). I feel like I have a larger life to live, and this complication is just not my priority," well my dear, maybe you should leave well enough alone and break up with your boyfriend, as well. If the situation is not a priority to you, as it is to him, then don't lead him on any longer. Go out and live your life and find someone who you don't have this issues with; for your own peace of mind! Good luck.
what you're doing is incredibly self destructive. Not only are you hurting your boyfriend, but yourself as well. You're going to keep feeling the guilt you're feeling and it's going to eat you inside out unless you come clean with your boyfriend or leave him. The latter is a passive way to resolve the problem, but it is better than consistently lying to someone you love.
And i'm not going to scold you about being the other woman. I think you know how damaging your actions are. Just stop it. Be single because you're not ready for a mature relationship yet.
@follow_home@xanga - KUDOS! I agree!