Monday, 20 April 2009
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When Can You Tell An Ex to Stop Texting Your BF?
My boyfriend "Ray" and I have been together for almost four years. We've definitely have had our ups and downs throughout the past, but we've made it through everything and have come out stronger as a couple. We love each other more than anything and we have plans to get married soon. Throughout our time together, his ex has been showing up intermittently. She'll drunk text him, ask him to hang out, make up lies that her current boyfriend beats her so he'll go "save her" and any other crazy stories she can think of to text him. Ray always ignores whatever she says and never gives in to her and the lies she tells. They broke up almost six years ago and he is 200% over her. I trust him, but I don't trust her.
Anyway, Friday night his phone was vibrating and it woke me up. The following morning I woke up a few hours before he did and just had this gut feeling that I should see if it was her who texted him. I mean, who texts someone at 3 a.m.? I checked the messages and it was from a number he did not have in his phone. I started shaking really bad, so I ran up to the bathroom to call my best friend. She told me to forward the texts to my phone and to save the number in my phone in case he deleted them. So I did just that.
I let it go for a while, but I didn't have much to say to him. After we had gotten ready to go out for the day, I asked him who'd textex him last night (fully aware of who it was). He didn't answer me, so I asked him again. I told him the number wasn't her number, that I have "Jessica"'s number saved in my phone (which I do from before). So, whatever, we talked about it and he said it was her. He apologized, saying he never talked to her friends, that he doesn't talk to her. I told him he'd better change his phone number, get rid of his phone (he has two cell phones anyway with two different numbers), or lose me. He told me that he would turn off his phone.
During the day, I had my brother and one of my good guy friends call the number. The voice mail belonged to a "Stacy," not a Jessica. I just sat and thought about it on our adventures throughout the day. We went to dinner with some friends and on the way home he asked why I wasn't talking much. DUH!
So we started talking about what was going on and I told him that I had someone (I didn't say who) call the number and that it wasn't Jessica. He asked if I knew what Jessica's sister's name was, and I said no. He told me her sister's name is Stacy, which made sense. We talked about it for enough time for me to be in tears. He reassured me that he would never go back to her, that he loves me more than anything, asked me why we would be looking at apartments together, telling me that I am the woman he wants to marry and grow old with...all the things I needed to hear. And again he told me we could transfer the contacts from his one phone to the other phone and that he would turn his phone off ASAP.
So this morning I texted the number to see who it was. Apparently, this girl "texted the wrong person" but has my boyfriend's phone number because she knows him from high school (they graduated in 2004). I don't believe anything she said to me because none of it made sense to the story of what she texted him Friday night.
Do you think I had the right to text this person? An d do you think I have a right to send a message to his ex warning her to back off? Would any of you have handled the situation differently?
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- From: sjnjld0716
- Name: Stephanie
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Comments (53)
What I want to know is why it's taken so long for anyone to consider him getting his number changed. If I was in a serious relationship with someone, that would have been the first suggestion I made if an ex girlfriend wouldn't leave him alone.
Whether you have a right to text her or not depends on what you and him consider as rules in the privacy section. If he wouldn't be bothered by it, sure you had a right. If he would be bothered by it, maybe not. Then again, I've got to say that I'm automatically inclined to believe you have a right to do that either way because he doesn't seem to be taking care of anything.
I would have handled the situation differently, yes.
I honestly think you have been doing everything right in this situation. You are patient and listen to what your bf has to say and you truly show that you trust him. He really seems to love you too so I agree with you in that you have nothing to worry about. I was/am in a very similar situation as well. I have been with my bf for 3.5 years and his ex gf would text and call him at all odd hrs of the day and she even has showed up to his house with food once. After a LOT of fighting with my bf and numerous close calls of breaking up, I finally took the matter into my own hands and called her. She has my number so she didnt answer, so i decided to text her saying that she needs to back off and stop being so disrespectful to his current relationship and even the relationship she is in. I said that she has to move on and stop bothering us or else I will give her somethng to cry about. I really feel it helped the situation because she saw that I wasnt going to take a back seat and let her move right in and that she cudnt walk all over me. It has also helped that my bf hasnt returned any calls or texts in months and I hardly see her number on his fone nemore(havent in a good 6 months) I, without a doubt, agree with taking hte matter in your hands because she is being SO disrespectful to you and its best to stand up for yourself and tell her that youre not going to take this sitting down.
Hope that helps .. and always remember to trust your bf at the end of the day .. if he really loves you, no matter how much she does, she wont get anywhere :)
I don't know why you felt the need to check whether or not it was her, since you trust your boyfriend. But it's good that you didn't do anything rash. As long as your boyfriend isn't bothered by your warnings to his ex, it probably isn't "wrong." But even if you warn her, she's been persistent for a while. I don't think your warning will really stop her if she really wanted to get to your boyfriend. Besides, he's yours, yours, yours, and you know so. Your energy would probably be better invested in planning your wedding =D. Haha, preemptive congratulations, by the way.
Nope.. I would have done the same thing as you have. I would have called the bitch and told her to F off! Seriously, it is incredibly disrespectful of her to contact your boyfriend at 3 am in the morning when she knows he is already seeing someone. And if she doesn't, you better make sure he tells her in front of you.
This is a really difficult situation n' I think u handled it very well!
The sheila must be a stalker or sth, but on the other hand ur boyfriend should have got rid of her (I'd wonder if they r seeing each other secretly, cos, c'mon, how can she still be following him?!)
By telling him how were u feeling u did the right thing for u both as a couple, so high 5!
You trust ur bf n' he assured u that all he wants it's u, but I'd personally never trust anyone 100% u know...
I think the most important thing is don't panick but talk to him if sth really is bothering u
good luck
Hope that b* leaves ur bf alone!
If you love and trust him so much why are you going through his phone?
If he's got ex drama the solution is simple, he gets a new number/turns off that one, and it's over and done with. At this point I'm seriously confused about 1) why he's let the ex drama go on for so long, and 2) why you're checking his phone and getting overly paranoid if you trust him.
Saying, "I don't trust her" is just another way of saying, "I'm not completely confident that he can resist her.." which is the polite way to say, "I don't trust him."
I think you handled this pretty immaturely. "I told him he'd better change his phone number, get rid of his phone, or lose me" is a silly thing to say. You should be able to talk to each other and express your feelings without turning it into an ultimatum.
It's fine to be a little bit protective, but if I were your bf, I'd feel smothered by your need to control who I can talk to.
I think you conveyed your mistrust of him. You invaded his privacy, forwarded texts to yourself that weren't meant for you, and then threatened him into turning off a phone.
@bmrowland@xanga - I'm with you on this one.
There's no reason for you to be resorting to immature behavior such as checking his text messages and giving him ultimatums after 4 years, especially since the two of you feel that marriage is in the cards. If you can't handle it now when you two are just dating, how are you going to handle it after you're married? Burst into tears and accuse him of cheating on you whenever he gets an errant text or phone call from someone he has no interest in?
Both of you need to do some serious thinking and possibly some more growing up before diving into such a serious commitment.
He should handle the situation, not you. If he has any respect for you or your relationship, then he should do the damage control. If the ex is still communicating with him, it's possibly because he's allowing it (giving her mixed signals/ inviting communication) and doesn't mind communicating with her (not saying that's the case here, but it's possible).
Ask yourself why are you texting this person if it "made sense" that the ex was texting from her sisters phone? It sounds like you still didn't trust him after he told you it was her. (And maybe you have reasons for that...)
That leads to a whole other plethora of concerns with you two's relationship: his and your's views on "friends", "ex's", boundaries and trust.
Talk about it some more...with Him. Best wishes~
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I agree.
First, he probably didn't tell you because he knew you'd be upset, which you did because you pretty much gave him an ultimatum when you found out on your own. I'm assuming that he wasn't planning on hurting you because you've said that he's ignored his ex's attempts at reconciliation.
In my opinion you handled yourself pretty well, but you could have done better. You should have talked about the situation to him, and ONLY him. You should NOT have gone to others; people you know have your back. That's unfair and it shows that you don't trust him completely
I don't think that there was anything wrong with contacting the offending chick. I've done that to 2 of my bf's exes that called him in the early morning hours. Both of them backed off right away (people don't want to mess with me), and have not contacted him since then. Just make sure that your bf is the one handing you the phone to talk to her. Otherwise it's shady and going behind his back.
Good luck.
The following information is solely my opinion...
*~* Trust *~*
Even though there is trust in a relationship, sometimes a person has a "what if" change of thought that can tamper with that trust.
My boyfriend and I trust each other completely, and because we do, we have absolutely nothing to hide. (We’re human and far from perfect so there’s always something to work on, even trust.) Complete trust does NOT mean you give in to someone blindly. If you mean the world to someone and that someone is completely loyal to you, why would that person have anything to hide in the first place? Of course, giving the other person his or her personal space is very respectful.
I'm not saying that if you have no reason to go through his stuff to go through his stuff anyway.
Hopefully, it never has to come to that again - the snooping around. Hey, I’ve done my share of snooping around when my beautiful trust was broken so I am guilty myself. (I try not to let that happen with my current relationship so the hubby and I talk a lot.) It’s how I protect myself. Banks do it to protect themselves. I’ve a friend who works at a bank who does it. It’s called ‘background check’. >D buahahahahahahahaha!
If there is a problem, your significant other should be able to say COMFORTABLY, "I'll log into my online phone account and YOU can go through ALL the numbers I've called, texted, and received. Baby, I've got NOTHING to hide." That was just an example. I'm not saying he HAS to. But, a person without a dirty secret should have nothing to worry about if you do so happen to ask to look through his personal belongings.
*~* For Example *~* Not Comparing This Experience To Yours At All So Please Don’t Get Mad *~*
My ex had a lot of secrets, even though he denied he had anything to hide from me. I wasn't allowed to know or look through ANYTHING that was personal to him. Obviously, that showed he had a lot to hide from me. Hey, he is, after all, my ex now, isn't he?
My boyfriend's ex used to bother him all the time, but I trusted that he would do the proper thing and I waited for the nuisance to fade. Sometimes, he would talk to her over the phone right in front of me so that I knew EXACTLY what he'd be telling her and he'd even hand me his phone to let me go through his text msgs. I've even asked him, "If she doesn't stop, would you hand me your cell phone and let me speak with her?" He said, "Yes." Now THAT is trust.
Not too long into my relationship with my current boyfriend, she grew tired of the game and simply told him not to break my heart. That comment from her earned some respect from me.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years and every few months the thought of her bugging will creep into my mind. It happens unintentionally. We still hand each other our cell phones if one or the other asks to see it, and more. I can ask to see any of his personal belongings (his phone bill, online pages, etc.) and vice versa.
*~* Bothersome Ex *~*
Again, my opinion...
The only reason why someone would still CLING onto their ex is because of:
1) either to cause physical or emotional harm to him or her (in most cases, more emotional than physical), or 2) they believe that there is still hope. (Of course there are other "symptoms" but these two are the ones that, again in my opinion, fit in most scenarios.)
My boyfriend did not lead his ex to believing that there is still a chance for the two, therefore, giving his ex no chance to even try to get into his head and in between my relationship with him. No hope. And, because he made it obvious that there was no way he'd allow her back into his life, it was obvious that there was no way she'd be able to come in between me and him.
If your significant other truly wants you to be happy with him, truly cares about you, loves you and wants you to trust him completely, simply turning off one of his two cell phones isn't going to do the trick. Make sure he UNDERSTANDS that if he wants you to be absolutely, completely, 100% happy with him in the long run, and that if he truly cares about you, loves you, and wants you to trust him and wants to EFFECTIVELY get his ex off his back, he needs to erase that hope in her that he still cares.
He may be loyal to you. He may not love his ex anymore. But, he cares enough about his ex for her to even think that she can "make up lies that her current boyfriend beats her so he'll go" rescue her.
It's not wrong to care about your ex as a person.
I care about my ex as a person. My boyfriend cares about his ex as a person. His ex has tried using a gazillion reasons for him to see her again - from having sex with him every day to being suicidal. He simply explained to his ex that she needs to be around her friends because he needs to be around me.
He needs to give her a reason NOT to stick around. He needs to make it clear that if shit happens to her, he's going to let her friends and family take care of it because she is no longer his priority - YOU are. She's got hope lingering around. She knows she can rely on him, maybe not for EVERYTHING, but for certain things.
Why else would she still be bugging him?
*~* In The End *~*
What matters should not be how the other person acts, but how your significant other responds. (Funny, I just wrote a blog about this.)
*~* BTW *~*
If the person is constantly bugging, that's considered harassment, and won't that be fun bringing her to court?
My opinion. That's all. I don't know enough about either of you to come to an exact conclusion, but I do pray that I've helped even just a little and that the situation gets solved.
It saddens me when other couples are upset because my previous relationship was very traumatic. So when other couples are having problems (big or small), it brings back painful memories - very painful memories.
Have a clear mind, live simple, and be happy. You'll be in my prayers. <3
The following are just my personal comment:
Did you tell your BF to tell his ex to stop texting him?
If he did and she still continue, then perhaps you BF can change a new phone number?
I think that you reacted normally. I would probably freak out too. IDEALLY, though, it should've been less dramatic. But who lives by ideals?
I think that what you did is prolly what most people would do. Guy and girl alike. Even though men would be less likely to admit it... Good thing is that it's over. Don't create any more problems then what has already been presented. It's one thing to analyze a situation than to over analyze it. You guys will be fine if you want it to be fine. cheers. ;)
well ive faced the same situation with checkin my bfs phone. we've only been together for a few months. hes never really given me a reason to check his phone or feel too insecure, but i guess ijust have trust issues from the past so the fact that he doesnt give me a reason.. just makes me worry that'll get too comfortable and he'll end up breakin my heart. now dont get me wrong when i did look through his phone i found some suspcious things.. but i couldnt confront him becuz it would show i didnt trust him.. and make him not trust me... sooooo i guess its a good thing that you and ur boyfriend are able to talk about things like this but at the same time.. if u love him and you've been together 4 years with no previous evidence besides text... of him actually cheating.. then you really need to evaluate your future together... always remember this.. what is done in the dark shall come to the light.. so while we get ourselves all worked up over snooping & driving ourselves crazy.. most of the time its not worth the effort.. men will tell on themselves.
I'm a little wary of the situation. When someone's onto me, I always say, "Why would I ...."
My ex does the same thing. I've been the girl you're describing...but he is texting me back, calling me, seeing me, and now we have a daughter together. And whenever his girlfriend asks, he always goes, "Why would I stay here living with you if I'd rather be with her?" or other similar statement.
I always believe the "why would I" as a way to cover up a lie, as it is stating something that clearly makes sense. Like once I said, "Why would I try to hook him up with her? He's MINE..."
I'm not saying he's cheating. But if they've really been off for 6 years and he hasn't responded to her or called her OR seen her, then why the hell is she still calling?
And when he does change his number (as my ex did) if she gets THAT number (as I did) then you know the answer...
Good luck to you, and please be careful.
I don't believe this is about whether or not you have the "right" to text his ex, so to speak. If you trust him, I don't believe you should be texting his ex, you know? It could portray a lack of trust, without even meaning to, in him. So, be careful. And I say you did the right thing in asking him to turn off his phone that she has the number to. That's understandable if she STILL texts him after 6 years. Goodness. (It shows you have a pretty good guy, though, if an ex will chase after him that long, I guess. Haha) But yeah.. Just make sure he no longer has her number in his new phone if you're worried about him calling her or contacting her or some such.
And believe him when he tells you he loves you if you have no reason not to. :) I wish you the best!
Be careful, and practice love & trust,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
totally invaded his privacy here.
I think the decision is on him, not you. He can decide to tell her not to contact him ever again, but all you should do is really talk to him about it and see whether he is going to take the action himself. If you're important enough to him, and he knows how you feel, he would make the right decision.
I don't think you trusted him 100%, if so, you wouldn't have checked his phone and sent the number and the txt to your phone. Now I'm not saying it's totally wrong, because we do get paranoid sometimes...but it's like you're trying to preserve "evidence" or something. I understand where you're coming from, because I've done my share of snooping...but experience taught me that it's better to respect each other's space and privacy. If he tells you he wants to marry you, that's huge. So try to chill out a little bit if you don't want a future with him, you don't know where his line's drawn...
My bf's ex would call him occasionally and when we talked about our exes, he kept saying that his ex who occasionally calls wants to get back together with him. He said she even had her mom call him once. I actually met her on Chinese New Year in Chinatown (Ididn't know her name at the point) but after introductions, my bf walked away fast. We spoke a few words and I went back to my friends. She called him the day after and talked. When I found out she was the ex, I asked him what they talked about the next day. She was asking him what do I have that she doesn't have. After that, one day when she called and my bf told me to pick up the phone, I said out loud, "Why is she still calling you?" so she could hear it. Even before that, she'd call and I would tell him to text her back saying we're moving in together and going to be together for a long long time, and for her not to bother us. After that situation, she stopped calling/texting.....HOPEFULLY.
But I'd think it might be better to keep your bf's ex's number on the phone so he/you would know who texted him. If he and you forgot the number and kept getting texts, then you might wonder he might be cheating on you with some stranger. It's a tricky situation, but what does your guts tell you? A woman's 6th sense is strong.
Good luck!
@keychain83@xanga - I agree with you 100%, that was very well written.
Hey you haven't mentioned what was in the text msg and why does he need the 2nd mobile phone anyway if he's just going to turn it off?
He's been ignoring all of her texts for six years and she's still texting him? Likely... There is absolutely no way that anyone would be that persistent for so long without any response at all. Sorry, I don't trust the guy. He asked you if you knew jessica's sister's name before telling you it was stacy? Maybe he was just checking that you didn't know so he could make it up without you questioning it. They've been apart for six years, why would her sister be texting him now?
He may be saying all these things to you about your future together but I honestly think he's up to other things and you should be very cautious.