Miss Penguin It's been a while since I've written...guess I've been busy! That and I just haven't been sure what to write because my love life is overly complicated right now. But so the reason I am writing today is because it's not about me, so it's easier to know what to write.
I have this friend. All in all, he's a good guy. He took me to the hospital once and stayed there with and then made sure I got home safe and sound afterward. We've been through a lot together. But he can be the most negative, self-pitying, whiny sonofabitch I think I've ever met. He's a relationship kind of guy who has been single for about a year and a half now, after a very serious relationship that went very seriously wrong (she cheated and did all sorts of other not-so-nice things).
And whenever he's single, he becomes somewhat intolerable because all he does is bitch about how women suck and how poor him, all women are liars who say they like nice guys but don't actually like nice guys and it's bullshit and why doesn't he have a girlfriend when he hasn't done anything wrong, yadda yadda yadda.
Honestly, there are times I want to slap him around a little and tell him to snap out of it.
First off, you are doing things wrong. I know I write about this a lot, but I'm just so sick of hearing guys complain that girls don't like nice guys because it's absolutely not true. Girls like nice guys. What we don't like is insecure guys who feel sorry for themselves and bash women. If you think that all women are lying, conniving bitches, then of course you're not going to get one. Why would you even want one? But apparently you still do because you're whining about it.
Secondly, confidence is sexy. And no, that's not bullshit. I don't want to date a guy who is constantly making me validate his self-esteem or is really clingy because he's afraid that if he lets you out of his sight, you'll find someone better. I want to date a guy who is independent, positive, not down on himself, etc. I can't deal with insecure guys, and for some reason, a lot of nice guys are insecure (it might have to do with the fact that assholes are assholes partially because they are overly confident). And I realize this sounds cheesy, but if you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you? You need to be okay with who you are and not care what other people think of you. As endearing as it can be to date someone who's constantly looking for your approval, it gets old after about five minutes. Although, paradoxically, nice guys have seem to have high self-esteem in some regards by the simple virtue that they refer to themselves as "nice guys" and "good people." So I'm not really sure why they're so insecure if they think so highly of themselves.
Third, self-pity in particular is extremely unattractive. My friend seems to think he's the only one who's had his heart broken and that he's the only one with baggage. I want to shake him and yell "everyone has baggage! GET OVER IT! IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL!" Everyone has gone through heartbreak and heartbreak is all relative, so while your situation may sound worse on paper, that doesn't mean it was actually more difficult for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You will meet someone special eventually. You will not be alone forever. But it's going to be a lot longer if you keep ranting about how much you hate women and hate your life.
Also, talking to women helps. My friend bitches that he hasn't met anyone in the last year and a half, but he doesn't really make an effort to meet new women and he's not interested in dating any of the girls he's already friends with. So many nice guys don't take the steps they need to actually pursue women. They seem to think that just because they are nice, women should automatically fall madly in love with them, even when the woman has received no signal that the guy is even remotely interested. Guess what guys, we need signals. We need you to show interest. Otherwise we are not going to waste our time and we are going to move on to someone who is showing interest in us.
Recommend
Comments (101)
AMEN.
The whole "nice guys finish last" is a bunch of bull. The only ones who finish last are the insecure ones. Just like men, women want to be around people who are happy and confident with themselves.
Yet if a woman's hurt from a serious relationship where a guy cheated on her, she's allowed to go all "men suck, men are pigs, men are little dirtbags, only a SPECIAL man will win ME over now, he has to be AWESOME, and have all these qualities and MAYYYBE I'll consider it."
You have to understand it's not easy to "not care what people think", because after being in a relationship where you open up, let down your walls and show your emotions, and then the girl cheats on you, you just want to get right back into those emotional stages and not have to "play the game" all over again.
Playing the game of dating, testing people out, isn't so easy after you really let down your walls and became emotionally attached.
I'm not saying it's OK to judge all women as lying connivers who go for assholes and "don't know why", but don't forget the other end of the spectrum with "men are pigs" and what not.
And seriously, all this talk about the "nice guy syndrome" is starting to annoy me. It's OUTDATED. WE'VE ALL HEARD IT A MILLION TIMES.
You don't NEED to say that "if a nice guy gets hurt and bitches about women, he's not a nice guy", because THAT'S OBVIOUS. If a guy's acting all sweet and hoping you'll like him for that, he's NOT a "nice guy", he's A WUSS. And EVERYONE knows that by now.
How is this even published? We've heard this over and over and over again. It's the oldest issue in the book.
Well, you've basically written how this guy should act based on your standards for dating men. There are women out there who will date insecure men with self-hatred and womanizing views.
"everyone has baggage! GET OVER IT! IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL!"
You should run that line by people who survive major tragedies, like Columbine or 9/11 or tormented artists.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Agreed!
OMG i have a friend who was JUST LIKE THIS! almost verbatim. he just now finally got a good new girlfriend, but he was bitching for a long while. he was always a really quiet person, even though he COULD be funny and seem outgoing if he tried. i think he was actually trying to date me for a while, but was too shy to ever even talk in person - all our convos were online (i'm not exaggerating) - and i'd see him every single day... so. MAN UP guys! i see all the things that you said too, i so agree with this whole post.
so true ! thanks for posting: )
These "I hate self-pitying men" threads are so passé.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - you're right, women like that suck too. and i was probably a hostile mess after my ex first left me...but not for a year and a half. but if its the oldest issue, how come guys still think this old methods gonna work?
@MilkyWhitesezMoo@xanga - When you find the answer to that one, you let me know... I guess it's like being told by vegans that milk is full of pus and we still drink it.
@FireMapleSong@xanga -
Hahahaha. Remember the "Beware the 30 year old virgin" one? Oh, that was fun.
hahha.. I love these entries because I know TOO many guys like this. They're all little pussies who have had a rough past and they wallow in their own self-pity. It's really pathetic. The last thing they need is a girlfriend. What they need to do is work on developing a better personality.. a more pleasant not so "woe is me" mentality and be a lil more confident.
Women don't like dating pansies.Grow a pair or stick with what you know.. other men. :)
@MilkyWhitesezMoo@xanga - maybe all these guys are the quiet, online, could-be-talkative if he tried type of guys!!! hahaha Now I know which type of guys I should stay away from. hahahaa
This is totally 100% true! Haha! I almost want to print this out and give it to the guys that I know who behave like this and tell them, "See, this is what you sound like ALL the time!"
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - How dare men feel the same pains and emotions as women after break-ups!
I don't like when females behave that way, nor do I like when men behave that way.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - okay, you need to calm down.
Of course you can feel pain and heartache.. it's only human. It's when you start blaming women for your shortcomings and feel self-pity for yourself when in actuality the breakup was probably your fault too.
I concur, I have a friend who's super duper boy friend material, he never had a girl friend, and he's definately the "nice guy". He's a super nice guy, kind of like the saying "nice guy finish last" but as you said, its pretty much how they present themselves and usually they don't impress "girls" or give them the right "signals" that they are interested or not.
I should print this out and hand it to my guy friend, maybe it'll change his mind about things... and finally grow some confident balls and pursue a girl for once.
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - The only women who will date insecure men ..are the ones who like to stay in complete control. Those kind of women you should be afraid of.
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - Calm down? I typed one sentence. Lol
Blaming people and self-pity are human too. I think it's absolutely
hilarious that women do the same exact things, yet it's okay because
they're women. When a woman becomes embittered and complains about men
there's no end to the moral support she'll receive, yet men doing the
same thing will be called "pussies" "pansies" and a slew of other
derogatory names that attack his masculinity.
So you want men to stop being bitter and hating women, yet you attack them and simultaneously demand they 'man up'? Man, talk about double standards.
"The only women who will date insecure men
..are the ones who like to stay in complete control. Those kind of
women you should be afraid of."
Does that negate them from existence, or am I still right in saying that women like that are out there?
haha love this post, great points!
@RazorBladeParade@xanga - Agreed!
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga -
@RazorBladeParade@xanga -
i don't think you should assume the author finds it permissible for women to rant about men being dirtbags and whatnot. i get annoyed when people take their experiences with one (or a few) person(s) and apply it to an entire gender or group. i dislike when men start women-bashing, but i also dislike when women become bitter towards men.
and i'm not saying it's audacious for either sex to feel hurt after an ugly break-up, but i wish we could try to direct those feelings towards the individuals who actually deserve them. this entry should apply to both genders.
yes, there are indeed "women out there who will date insecure men with self-hatred and womanizing views" but seriously. would you want to get with them?
@RazorBladeParade@xanga -
Yes, you need to calm down. I'm not saying men can't be emotional. And I'm also NOT saying that women are allowed to be as emotional/dramatic as they want because they are women.
What I am saying, if you actually listened instead of becoming so defensive and angry... is that Being "insecure" is a very unattractive quality. That along with making others pity you by complaining all the time that "women are evil, cheaters, etc etc etc." isn't going to get you anywhere. It only makes you look like a Pansy, yes a Pussy. They are words to describe guys who have no Balls. Men throw around words 5x as bad to describe women, so don't tell me I can't call them like I see them.
"So you want men to stop being bitter and
hating women, yet you attack them and simultaneously demand they 'man
up'? Man, talk about double standards"
I did not attack "them". I am attacking a specific group of men not men in general.
I wonder why you are so offended by this post. Maybe some of things being said hits too close to home? Perhaps I am wrong, but that's the only explanation I can come up with.
I totally agree. Nicely said :]
@MissPixieGlitter@xanga - I agreed until the last paragraph, at which point I thought, "No one really wears a badge advertising that so one wouldn't know."
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - You don't know me very well, but I can assure you I'm so far from angry and defensive it would BLOW YOUR MIND.
But please, stop insulting my intelligence and saying I'm not listening when you say things like:
"Women don't like dating pansies.Grow a pair or stick with what you know.. other men. :)" What I'm saying is, everyone is insecure to a degree. You may not have had an experience that left you a little burnt, but everyone goes through it eventually. I'd like to talk to you after said event occurs in your life so I can tell you to grow a pair of ovaries and woman up.
"They are words to describe guys who have no
Balls. Men throw around words 5x as bad to describe women, so don't
tell me I can't call them like I see them."
Because two wrongs make a right. Lol. Just LOL.
"I wonder why you are so offended by this
post. Maybe some of things being said hits too close to home? Perhaps I
am wrong, but that's the only explanation I can come up with."
Yeah, mommy didn't love me enough and everyone breaks my heart. Boo hoo. It's good you're not a doctor since that's the only explanation you can come up with. Obviously, I'm just a guy who finds it laughable that your initial comment was the perfect example for why guys stereotype women as evil and become bitter loathing individuals.