As the days went on, we spent a lot of time together; my perfect man was back at home studying hard for his exams and I only saw him about once a week. I always need someone around me, and James happened to be there. We shared a special connection. James convinced me that we are soulmates, as we are so similar. We had so much fun together; we could be talking for hours and hours about complete nonsense and laugh for ages. We were spontaneous and would randomly go out and get completely trashed together and forget about everything else. We sat in my room for days getting fucked up and not sleeping.
One day after a night out, I woke up in the morning and wanted to see the sea. We packed our stuff and went to Brighton. Didn't tell anyone; no one knew where we were. We stopped our entire lives and just went to the sea. We got there, went to a random rave, had an absolutely amazing time roaming the streets, rolling around on the ground in the middle of the road, loving everything. We always have fun no matter what we do together. We want things at the same time, we get tired at the same time, we want to leave at the same time. We share the same opinions; we don't give a shit about the world together. We live in the moment together, we don't think about consequences together. We are absolutely the same and we are amazing.
Along the way he promoted me to event manager and not because he was in love with me but because we had a vision of the same perfect club night and I could help him with it.
He fell absolutely in love with me. He gave up everything for me; he hasn't been home for a month because he stayed in London. Every day he tells me how much he adores me and wants to be with me. He sees his entire world with me. I grew to love him, too; the love was initiated by him, but the more time we spent together, the more attached to him I became. We have so much fun together and would make an amazing couple. I love him; he is my soul mate, he understands me perfectly, everything I say and everything I do. He adores me for who I really am and doesn't judge me. I don't feel like I'm not good enough for him like I do with my perfect man.
James has made me realize that even though I do have fun with my perfect guy, it's not the same fun I have with him. With James, I'm free; I can be spontaneous and I can be myself. With Matt, I have to be a better version of myself; we could never run away to Brighton, because Matt would never leave everything behind and stop his life for me without thinking of the consequences. Everything is so much more complicated with Matt, but everything is done right and for the best, the way it should be done. With James, we do what makes us happy, what we want. Because of our Brighton trip, our night got shut down and we lost a lot of money, but it doesn't matter, because we had fun and it was an experience I will never forget. Now we are re-launching in a better club.
I am in love with two completely different men. The Devil vs The Saint. Safety vs. Risk. Which way do I go? I cannot make this choice.
With James I don't see my entire future; however, I do see a very fulfilling present. Perhaps it could lead to a very fulfilling future, but I don't know that. We could move in together, run club nights together and have so much fun, the best time of our lives, and I want it to be that way so bad. I don't want to lose him; I love him. He is a best friend and lover. He understands me completely.
With Matt I see my entire life; however, it's nowhere near as fun and exciting as what I see with James. With Matt, I have security and a promised good life full of love and dedication. Sometimes when he talks, he bores me. When I think of going out with him and having our usual night out, going to Ibiza and going to Amsterdam, I think that it could be so much more fun if James was there. I want to do all these things with Matt, but I know I would be having more fun with James.
James doesn't offer me that security; I don't see myself marrying him or having his children. I don't see him meeting my parents. I think if we dated, we would be very happy and have a lot of fun. We would be together for one year, maybe two, and then it would be over.
I love them both, so how can I make the decision of who I would rather not have in my life? How can I decide who I would rather hurt? Do I choose security and do the right, safe thing by staying with my perfect boyfriend, or do I choose fun and live my life in the moment like I love to live it?
How am I supposed to make this decision? I have built so much with both of them, and it's clear that I cannot simply remain friends with either of them. I need guidance and advice. I don't want to lose my secure life or my fun life and I don't want to lose my job.
What do I do?
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Comments (44)
wow... i don't know how to help you because i've no experience.. but, i guess if it was me, i'd choose the safe choice..
"I think if we dated, we would be very happy and have a lot of fun. We
would be together for one year, maybe two, and then it would be over."
i suppose i'd choose something that would last a lifetime.
Think about being without 1 of them, which one hurts more? And who do you think about most during the day? Do you think of James when you're with Matt? Or do you think of Matt when you're with James? You're stuck between two tough spots right now...
You already know that James isnt in it for the long haul, so if you're okay knowing that there is an expiration date on the friendship/relationship, it should make it a bit easier depending on whether you want to just fool around now and not take relationships so seriously or if you'd rather stay with the person that cares about his future as much as yours. I'm sure Matt is doing all this for HIS future, but at the same time, I almost want to say that he has plans for a future that will include you in it.
Good luck! I wish I had better advice for you but I dont.
Wow, I don't envy you. Sounds like you'll have regrets one way or another. But in terms of the human aspect, I'd suggest letting Matt go because you don't feel like you'll be happy with him 100% of the time since he's not as spontaneous as the other. You'll only end up being disappointed and hurt Matt in the end.
Sounds like you have some more living to do and James seems to be the better match for you, now and possibly in the future. Things change and people change, but there's only so much that people can change from their own ways. Think about it and make your decision. The worst thing to do is to let it drag on without a conclusion.
triangle love ......
You said Matt is the perfect man, is he YOUR perfect man?
From the stories, it seems like you and James are more best friend material than boyfriend material. These are some questions you have to ask yourself:
How old you are and how old do you want to be when you settle down?
Are you and Matt still in a good position in your relationship?
Think if you were with James for the long haul, after you guys are married and have kids, would you guys still have anything in common?
Will he bring you security at that point?
Just because James says he's your soulmate, doesn't mean he is. You have to ask yourself that. From this story, it sounds like he was doing a lot of brainwashing.
Has James ever held a long term relationship before? Is he capable of cheating on you since he's so popular with the girls?
i would say go with Matt. i say that because im in the EXACT same situation. and im juggling both at the moment, which is so confusing. i cant break up with my 'james' because i need that fun, and that living life in the moment even though he loves me dearly.. but i know my 'matt' will provide me security and the future, and he also will do anything for me, and loves me to death. i cant risk leaving my 'matt' because i'd rather suffer without 'james' than be with him in the future and be miserable when we cant make it in the long run. you have to think about where you would be left in the future. what im doing right now is slowly breaking myself away emotionally, and introducing my 'matt' to things me and 'james' would do.
(i hope you understood what i said lol. its confusing using your men name)
i can honestly say i wouldnt put myself in this position. (because it WAS your choice, no matter how much you side-step that.) but, being that you did, and judging from your stream of observations and confusion it looks like you should honestly not be in any relationship.
you obviously do not know yourself or your own needs well enough to evaluate how another person could complement your life, to decide what you need for your own happiness to continue in the future. it seems to me that though you claim to be "in love" with both of these men, you are also aware that neither of them could keep you happy in the long run.
idk. i hope that doesnt sound mean, i'm just trying to be honest here from how it sounds.
Sucks that you dragged Matt into this situation.
Go for James and let Matt find someone worth his time.
With situations like these you have to make a decision with your heart and your thoughts. They have to be balanced. Because we can carry strong emotion and have them be false, but we can have thoughts that grow into more than they are.
Whoever you feel completely like yourself around. No restrictions or masks.
What do you see when you look in their eyes?
Which one just completes you, no questions asked?
I'm not saying the future isnt important, but no one knows what will happen for sure. Just because we can picture it doesnt make it absolute.
Personally based off of what I've read, give James a chance.
I know how difficult this must be, but I wish you the best and hope everything works out :]
i forgot to add in, you should know that all the fun, and spontaneity wouldnt last forever, especially if you get even more serious and make a future. then you would be in the same situation you feel with matt. so isnt it better to be with matt in the first place when you know he can handle the future with you better? you're also keeping james from finding his perfect woman.
Sounds to me like you have made up your mind. As you yourself have said, you choose the fun way of life. If it were me, or any smart woman, I would choose Matt. He sounds like the better option for the woman who wants a good future.
However, you're not me. It sounds to me like you live too much for the moment, so James would be your better option. However, I think balance is the safer option, so I would advise you to opt for Matt. He loves you and wants what's best for you. You know? He genuinely cares. Loves you through your good times and your worst, I would guess. But yeah.. This James character.. Would he still love you after all the fun has faded? Think on that. Because the fun won't last a lifetime, almost certainly. There are hardships and trials in every relationship I have ever known and/or heard about. Will he be there through those times, too, like Matt has been?
James fits you, but Matt is better for you. It's your choice, in the end. No one can make it for you. You know that. Just choose soon, or you'll end up hurting both options, and possibly loosing both options. You know?
Wish you well,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
honestly, you and matt don't seem very compatible at all, and he doesn't seem to really offer you what you're looking for other than security. i guess it's up to you to decide how important to you that really is. in my eyes, all that partying and having "fun" can only last for so long, unless you plan on doing that until you're 80.
and just to remind you, you've been hanging out with this james guy and falling in love with him all behind matt's back. if you plan on staying with matt, that's not a very good place to start a marriage. i actually would rather you stick with james and allow matt to find someone more suited for him.
@yan_ni@xanga - You and me both, girl.. You and me both. She seemed to be fairly content with Matt before James came along. So, consider that also.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - "Think if you were with James for the long haul, after you guys are married and have kids, would you guys still have anything in common? Will he bring you security at that point? Just because James says he's your soulmate, doesn't mean he is. You have to ask yourself that. From this story, it sounds like he was doing a lot of brainwashing. Has James ever held a long term relationship before? Is he capable of cheating on you since he's so popular with the girls?"
I have to agree with all of these posters comments here.. And yeah, it sounds to me like this guy, James, knows what you want to hear and is giving you and ear full, and you're falling for it, hook, lin, and sinker, so to speak. You know? So, be careful. :/ *hugs*
@MilkyWhitesezMoo@xanga - "it seems to me that though you claim to be "in love" with both of these men, you are also aware that neither of them could keep you happy in the long run." I think I agree with that statement in fully. Perhaps just consider not dating either one for a while, and see how things go?
@GeLLiBeLLy@xanga - "
and just to remind you, you've been hanging out with this james guy and falling in love with him all behind matt's back. if you plan on staying with matt, that's not a very good place to start a marriage. i actually would rather you stick with james and allow matt to find someone more suited for him."
And I have to say, I pretty much agree with you there. But consider this carefully, and think of which one you'd be happy growing old with, you know? That's what will matter in the end. Partying can only last so long, so put all the party notes aside with James. Is there anything left that really makes him more desirable, apart from they fact he's spontaneous? That's something that can be worked on or encourage with Matt. So if that's all there is.. Yeah. Anywho.
Wish you the best in finalizing this decision! Let me know what you decide, and why, if you could. :)
Thanks!
*hugs*,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Don't focus on what either Matt or James wants. Don't focus on what the people commenting want you to do. Look deep in your heart, and seriously think about the situations, weighing pros and cons, for a while. You will come to the conclusion of who you truly love and want to be with. The answer can only be found within you. No matter what advice everyone gives you...you're going to end up doing what you truly want to do.
You have to consider this as well: If you decide to stay with Matt, are you going to tell him about everything you went through with James? If you're planning on having a future with him, it would be incredibly unfair for him to not know you've been doing this. He deserves to know. If you weren't planning on telling him, then I'm not sure if it's even worth it to have a future with him, because it would be built upon half truths.
Also, I understand that you're impulsive and like to party and what not, but is that really a healthy lifestyle for you? Is that what you want your relationship to be based on? Maybe it would be beneficial to grow up a little with Matt. On the other hand, if that's really all you want out of life then disregard this. You know yourself better than any of us do. Good luck.
i stand by wutti sed yesterdae therz no rezun why the 3 of you cant be in this together you wudnt be the furst to njoy suchan arranjmint & yer certainly not gunna be the last go forrit
While my opinions on these sort of things are typically black and white (Stop dicking around and pick one), I think you genuinely need to pick neither at this point in time and figure yourself out first. Admittedly, I didn't read part one (nor do I have any care to unless it proclaims that you've done a lot of soul searching before entangling yourself in these two men), but that's my honest opinion.
Pick neither and find your own happiness first. Then figure which one will best complete you as a whole, not just on one or two facets. Completing one or two parts may be "fine" for now, but it's not going to be "fine" forever. If a long term (and serious) relationship is what you seek, one or two facets may never be enough to achieve long term happiness and/or commitment.
Please forgive me if you feel this comment is going to sound harsh but here is my HONEST opinion:
You are incredibly selfish. What would happen to Matt if he ever knew that you were splitting away with a guy who you've been convinced is your soulmate? How is he your soulmat exactly? Because you guys live in the MOMENT and you have fun? Have you ever discussed anything SERIOUS with him as you might with Matt? Does James have an inkling to what he's doing to your relationship with Matt? You said it yourself; you don't see a future with James but a "fulfilling" present and yet with Matt you can picture a satisfactory future although it'll be devoid of the excitement. How do you know? I mean, ever imagine your wants and desires to change and evolve over years you're with Matt?
I think you don't know what you want. Knowing what you want at the PRESENT moment don't always have to coincide with how you PICTURE your future to be. AND I just don't see how this is FAIR for any of these guys... You're depriving Matt of a perfect gf FOR HIM because yOU want a safety net of a backup husband figure and you're depriving James of a full time soulmate lover. Maybe if you were together ALL the time, you wouldn't have as much fun as you do now, no? I think the most important thing is that you EVALUATE who you want to have in your life. Do you want to be someone else that you're not (Matt brings out a 'better person' but on whose scale is that based on?) or do you want to be yourself and embrace all that you are? When you figure out who you'd like to be rather than who you'd rather become, I think the decision would be easier. Don't get greedy about this, you can't have your cake and eat it too, eh? Good luck
Unbelievable. . . . .and your so serious to =\ how about forgetting them both and finding a guy with all of those traits together hmmm:? Instead of stringing these young lads along, its just not right.
Being with someone so similar to you can get tiring after a while. 2 people with your kind of personality do not settle down and have children. If that's what you want in the future, then don't take things seriously with james. Like you said, you only see being with him for a year or so..or until the flame burns out. But it seems you are the type to live in the moment, so perhaps it will work for you in the short term.
Life isn't meant to be so calculated. It sounds to me like you are with Matt because of the security he promises you. With your personality, you'll probably end up becoming bored of his unwillingness to break out and be impulsive..and you'll find reasons to seek for satisfaction outside of the relationship, which is unwise. You should not be falling in love with someone else right before marrying Matt. It's a clear indication that you two are not compatible at least not in the long term.
It's up to you though. I would halt marriage for the time being if I were you and focus on what I really want in life.
You are not ready for Matt. Â It does not matter how perfect he is for your future, you are not ready for your future.
Niether. You are young, having lots of fun and frankly, a long term, loving relationship isn't going to happen with either. That's okay.
What you sound like you want is guy to be free with, to be yourself with, but who also helps you make good choices and offers security. Someone who will be there when things are rough and tough choices will have to be made, but who is also not afraid to be spontaneous.
You CAN have both, but not with either of these guys.
Out of curteosy, I'd break up with Matt. I'd enjoy time with James, but understand that what you feel now will change over time. It might not always be so fun... and be prepared to walk away if you must.
I want to go see the sea on the spur of the moment, and hit up a rave. -Props to being a raver :)
And run Club nights, gaah. Sounds like the life to mee.
(Im in the same situation as you -- Somewhat . Not inlove with two people... Im inlove with one person been dating for a year and some, but there is some one who has part of my heart and i feel for him strongly, and its hard when you have feelings that are confused and torn right down the middle handed out to two different people. Its sucks because someones gunna be hurt. I went with the one i love .. The one im dating. Because i feel we would be a more of a mature match, i see us being together for a long time. . And the other one i have feelings for but i dont know where our future would be ? Even though right now we are great together and get along amazing, and have so much together ... I am staying friends with him . .. And i dont want to fall harder. Even though its indredibly hard . Because we are soo much the same. . )
So i am kinda in the same boat as you .
Just inlove with the one, soo .. My decision was alot easier.
I think you need to follow your heart . And deeply think about your decision.
You and James have seem more like a pair of best friends. That have crazy, nights out and love to be around eachother . (Now i can see how you could fall inlove with eeachother.. because you are much the same * same as my story .. my problem.)
but, Matt . You can see your future long term with .
I think that Matt would be the more mature pick, if your serious about being inlove with him .
Girl, seems to me you have an incredibly hard desicion.
You shouldnt care what any of us really even think.
Its all on you, your heart will decide.
My dear you already know the answer to your question....
"James doesn't offer me that security; I don't see myself marrying him or having his children. I don't see him meeting my parents. I think if we dated, we would be very happy and have a lot of fun. We would be together for one year, maybe two, and then it would be over.'
If you already know the outcome of the situation why would you dive into it, head first? Then, what point are you going to be at after you and James break it off? Stuck. Wondering where the hell Matt is.
If anything, it sounds to me like you're not mature enough to handle the stability of Matt. If that is the case, then perhaps you need to let him know that things are moving too fast and you need time to yourself. You need time away from both of them.
James knows exactly what he is doing. He does not want you to have that 'perfect life' with Matt. He is not offering freedom, as you would say. He is leading you into a life of bondage. The Devil vs The Saint, which would you choose?
I don't think you should pick either one of these two guys. First of all, break it off with Matt ASAP since you're already cheating on him and taking advantage of him. You obviously are not fulfilled by him. In this day and age, nothing is stable. Your perception of him having a stable income, bright future, etc. could be marred by the current economic crisis and will you still stick around when Matt doesn't achieve what you want of him?
As with James, he might be just your outlet for not being able to be spontaneous around Matt.
My suggestion is for you to be single and discover what it is you truly want. I don't think you're in the mindset to be in a committed relationship with anyone at this point if you can't figure out what you want.