Saturday, 18 April 2009
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Should I Let My BF Go to A Strip Club?
I've been in a long distance relationship with this guy for almost a year now. He was a schoolmate, then he went away to another country for college, and with any luck, I'll follow suit. Anyway.I went through his Facebook profile today - I have his password - and read this chat he had with his friend. I didn't read the whole thing - I was scrolling through the page and the chat scrolled up. I avoided reading it because it was personal, but as I slid to the bottom of the chat, I read the words "birthday," "strip club," and "casino" and "drinking".
Now, I DON'T SNOOP! He goes through my profile sometimes and I do, too - he knows it. I'm not doing it anymore, though. I wouldn't have paid attention if I didn't know my guy would've thought this as normal. But my guy never drinks and he has forbidden me to, too. I've told us we're in this together and if I can't drink, neither can he. I like to drink, but I haven't had a sip since he forbade me.
So I don't know why he told his friend once he's 19 (in 4-5 days) he'll drink legally. And go to a casino and a strip club.
A few days earlier, I have to admit, he said he was curious about weed because his friends had been smoking in a hostel room, covering the smoke detectors...and because he wasn't an active smoker anyway, it wouldn't matter. I did NOT like that.
I mean, if I was there instead of him, he wouldn't have let me do anything like that. I love him and I'd hate for him to be a drug addict.
Maybe you'll think I'm a control freak, but I'm not - I just say things I know he wouldn't want me to do. I told him I didn't want him to lie to me ever - if he's smoked, he should tell me, and if he does, I want to know.
He even asked me never to watch porn. I didn't watch it regularly before, but because he asked me not to, I haven't. I never forced him not to - I just told him I don't like it and he says he doesn't watch it very often anyway.
I just want to know if he's justified in doing something he'd never want me to do. Am I being a control freak?
When I think of the strip club, all I can think of i show he wants to see naked girls dancing around. I'm sure all the ladies will agree what a big ego thing it is to let their guys get a naked lap dance.
I don't know why he said that to his friend even though he's never said anything like that to me. I'd hate for him to lie to me more than anything.
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- From: aalluu@xanga
- About Me: highest weight:180 current weight:144 (its kinda stuck)bitch!! goal weight :120 height:5'7 and thats the end, thats my ultimate weight goal. i dont want to end up any lower,not yet atleast
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Comments (87)
ugh how unfair! he's not letting you do this and that, but HE'S allowed to????
put your foot down! maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing (by being hypocritical). i think you have a legitimate reason to be upset, and you should bring it up with him.
good luck :]
I don't think you are being a control freak. He asked you not to do something so that should be reciprocated. I would talk to him about it because he might be doing things behind you're back...Because if he's asking you not to do something that usually means he might be doing something....
Be careful and goodluck...
Guys shouldn't go to strip clubs period. That's how I feel atleast.
Um what? He forbids you to drink? He never wants you to watch porn but it's okay that he does, just because it's not that often? Should you let him go? And yes you are snooping, he just happens to know about it.
You are both adults. If you want to drink, drink. If he wants to go to a strip club he should go. Yes you should consider a significant other's feelings but in the end "forbid" is a word that should never be in a relationship. There is a big difference between asking someone not to do something and telling them "I forbid you from ever _____." There is a lot of control issues going on on both sides it seems...
Sorry, but you did snoop - that's why you found out all the things you did. If not, you wouldn't had known at all and you wouldn't had post this on Datingish.
With that clarify, you can't really bring the issue up unless he knew you went through his stuff. If it bothers you that much, I would bring it up casually. "Hey, xxx, what are you planning to do for your birthday?" Ask him if he is thinking about drinking to celebrate (just for one night and for his birthday). Whatever his answer is, go to the
next question - "So, are you guys planning on doing anything else or are you just going to hang out with the guys?" You get the drift. You really won't know if he'll open up to you about it but either you take his words for it or bring what you found up and talk about.
Seems hypocritical if he says you can't do these stuff while he is or want to at least.
I think both of you are adults. You two should be able to make your own decisions.
I'm not even going to read this because I'm sure it's full of typical hypocritical boy shit. The answer is no......... unless you're comfortable with it for some reason. If you're not, that's a big N-O
two words: fuck no.
If you both agreed to these terms, then you're not being a control freak. If he's keeping things from you outside your agreement, then I'd say that sucks. Stop torturing yourself and talk to him about all of this. None of us can help you in this situation, honestly, especially if you guys are in a LDR and you can't see him all the time. The only thing that will solve this is communication. Tell him you're not trying to be a control freak, but that you have concerns about his intent, and ask him to be honest about it.
That's the best course of action, in my opinion, anyway.
Well it really depends on how you feel. I let my bf go, although he knew not to do anything he wouldn't want me to do. I see it as pure entertainment, and he came back and was able to discuss it freely with me.
Some of my friends told me I was crazy though and said they'd never let their guys go NEAR a strip club. I think it's all about prospective.
hmm seems that you both want control over the other. And it seems that you listen more to him than he does to you. I don't know but this is not the way to go in a healthy relationship. I think you should both do whatever it is you want and if the other doesn't like it then you're not meant for each other, it's simple. If you have to stop doing things you love because your bf FORBIDS you to, then that's just wrong. I was in that situation, I listened for so long and didn't do things I wanted because I knew he would get mad so I kinda killed who I was essentially. You should re evaluate everything, even if you love him. There shouldn't be ANY forbidding. Sure, it might bug you that he goes to a strip club but as long as he's not cheating or drinking and driving then what's the harm? And same goes for you, you should drink if you want to, it shouldn't affect him even if he doesn't like it, he has to learn to live with it if he loves you!
I think you should talk to him and eventually come to a mutual agreement about what the two of you will and will not do. Why won't he let you drink? Developmental reasons, legal reasons? And if a strip club makes you uncomfortable, tell him so, just be prepared to make compromises. To some people, a strip club isn't a big deal, especially when they're pretty sure there's no emotional attachment to the strippers.
The idea of boyfriends and girlfriends having each other's passwords and looking at each other's profiles seems a bit...um, a bit creepy in my opinion. I would never let my boyfriend, or anyone, for that matter, have my password. That's just wrong.
For a LDR, you sure are controlling of each other. If he doesn't do it in the words he tells you, he could be doing it in real life and vice versa. So how much does it really matter to you?
He's a full grown man. you can or can't stop him. If he got strong faith with you, he wouldnt do it with his own will tho.
@missedout_onlife@xanga - Sure, it might bug you that he goes to a strip club but as long as he's not cheating or drinking and driving then what's the harm?
It's the idea of lusting after someone who isn't your SO that's the problem...so it is cheating, in an emotional sense. I guess what I have a hard time understanding is why anyone would need to go to strip clubs or look at porn if they're already in a relationship.
To me, it seems that those two things are just outlets for people who are unsatisfied for whatever reason...but I know not everyone sees it that way. Still, I'd be upset if it were my boyfriend going to strip clubs and thinking sexually about women other than me.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - yes yes definitely would feel hurt if my boyfriend went to a strip club but I think she mentioned that it was a party, with his friends?
If my boyfriend got invited by his best friend then I wouldn't want to forbid him. If he went on his own accord, then it's a huge problem.
Lusting isn't really emotional cheating because we do encounter a lot of people we are attracted to, that we like, and who aren't our SO's. If we act on that lust, THEN yes it's cheating.
He's gonna do it anyways.
@missedout_onlife@xanga - Well I know it's understandable if a guy gets turned on by a half-naked woman walking down the street. But when a guy goes to a strip club, he's going for the purpose of getting turned on by other women, and that's the problem. If a guy is dating a truly beautiful, wonderful girl, I don't understand why he would need to go to a strip club. I get that it's "what guys do" but there are other things "guys do" that don't involve strip clubs, I'm sure.
yeah I know, I'm not into guys who go out to party every weekend, who drink, who watch porn on a daily basis (we all know they can't stop themselves from watching SOME porn haha) but if he does it once in 5 years then I guess it's ok? Especially since it's a birthday party, probably for his single friends. I think the problem here is that he forbids her to do things and it seems he does them even if she doesn't want him to. Which is really bad...worse than him going to a strip club! because he is disregarding her opinion and feelings.
You guys seem to be fighting over power, or somethin'. I would let him, just because like, y'all have forbid eachother to do anything else...
Stay off eachother's profiles, seriously. No good can come of it, you snooped and I bet he does it too. It's not a joint profile of both of you, so neither of you need to be on the other's personal account. Also, you guys shouldn't restrict eachother of what you 'can and can't do'
You're both controlling. Not just one, BOTH.
Sounds like he's a control freak.
with me is like this, if my bf wants to go to a strip club then i let him because i can careless. because i know he'll come back to ME afterwards. If he does anything bad, then whatever, it's time for me to go.that's all. Don't worry about the strip club thing. it's not a big deal.
why bother with any of this crap?
All this forbade **** is ridiculous.
You're both old enough to do what you want.
If each party is doing things the other isn't happy with, TALK about it.
If not, move on.
WoW! Excuse me lady, the point is not if Ur the one who let him go or not.
Instead, he IS the one who made decision of going or not. If he cares u, he won't. If he doesn't.....oh well....