Saturday, 18 April 2009
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My BF Forgave Me for Cheating But I Can't Forgive Myself
In February of last year, my ex-boyfriend randomly called me, telling me that we needed to talk. I should have just ignored him or told him to go to hell, considering he'd been emotionally abusive for two years before finally ending it. I was finally in a healthy relationship with a guy who actually respects women.But for some reason, I decided to go and hear him out. I went over there, we talked for a little while; then he decided to kiss me. I was too stupid to stop him, and it all just went to hell from there. I don't know what I was thinking, or even if I was thinking at all... I just know that by the time I left, I was positive I never wanted to see him again and I wanted him out of my life. That was no longer what I wanted.
When I got home, I was too ashamed to look anyone in the eye. The next day at work, I spent a good portion of my shift in the bathroom, sobbing, because I didn't know what to do. I had an appointment at the local tattoo parlor after work, but I canceled it and drove straight to my boyfriend's house. I had to tell him, and I was sure that he'd be so disgusted by me that he would tell me to get out of his house and stay away from him.
I packed my bag up as soon as I got there, then went downstairs and told him. I think I cried more than he did... The hurt and disappointment in his eyes was the worst thing...we'd started dating after both of us had been in emotionally abusive relationships for a long time, and I'd wanted to make up for all of the pain that she had caused him.
He ended up not kicking me out, but he didn't talk to me, wouldn't make any type of physical contact with me and would barely even look at me for weeks. I would let him know where I was at all times when I wasn't in class or at home. I gave him a copy of my schedule for work. I finally ended up just quitting my job so I could stay with him and he wouldn't wonder if I was actually there.
He forgave me after a few weeks... I don't know how or why, but he did. But even though HE forgave me, I can't forgive myself. I still refuse to spend time alone with guys. I know I'll never cheat again, not after the pain I caused, but I still feel the need to punish myself - isolate myself, if you want to say that.
I know that some of you are going to try bashing me for cheating in the first place, but seriously, save it. I beat myself up enough, and yes, I think cheaters and liars are the scum of the earth. So how do you think I've been feeling about myself for the past year?
So, what do you think? Should I accept his forgiveness and forgive myself?
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About the Author
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- From: babble_of_the_braindead@xanga
- About Me: I'm straightforward, caring, loyal and honest. I hate lying, liars, and drama. I speak my mind. I stand up for myself and those I love. I don't say "I love you" often, but I always mean it. I like tattoos and piercings, and have a decent collection of both. I have a soft spot for animals. I believe everyone should try to change the world for the better. I'm grateful for every day I wake up in the morning, because I know it's never guaranteed.
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Comments (76)
I think that you understand what you've done, and now that everything's worked out it should be fine. But I'm sure maybe at the back of his mind he doesn't probably just trusts you 95% of the time, but he's willing to work it out with you.
At least you regret what you do. And that you had the guts to tell him. You know you won't do it again. And I know how it feels to have done something and then never EVER want to do it again, and hope that your boyfriend trusts you that you'll never do it again.
ehh don't know if I made any sense =P
I think since he was gracious enough to forgive you, maybe you should accept his forgiveness and move on with him, and don't cheat anymore. He took you back because you loves you, and while he may not trust you completely right now, I think you still mean the world to him.
Also, anyone who abuses in a relationship -emotionally or physically- should die. In my opinion, that's worse than cheating or lying.
My husband recently did something similar, and as he has forgotton mostly about what he's done, it's still fresh in my mind. I found out a month ago he had plans to have sex with a woman he works with... still works with, but he backed out at the last minute. I cannot get over this. I'm trying my hardest, but with him acting like he did nothing wrong, it's harder for me to get over... so, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that even though he has forgiven you, he probably is comforted that you feel so bad about it. Just go with it... do what you can to be as transparent as possible and hopefully everything will get back on track.
You made a mistake. You felt horrible about it. You went and told him. And now you're killing yourself for it, keeping the relationship stagnant.
Yeah, it was a bad thing you did, but he's forgiven you. The only way your relationship can continue is if you forgive yourself. Otherwise, it's always going to be only about the pain and guilt you've caused the two of you to endure. And no healthy relationship thrives off of that.
My bf forgave me for cheating to and I'm very lucky he did. You can get the trust back from him and it may take awhile but he forgave you for a reason. He obviously cares about you a lot and sees a future with you!
You need to forgive yourself. It's hard and it took me awhile to forgive myself. Not forgiving yourself may make things worse. You made a mistake, you admitted it, he forgave you and now you need to move on with this relationship and repair it. You know what you have to do to fix it: don't cheat again and love him.
You can do it!
xoxo
so how is it coming along?
i trust after a while u two will talk...and try to start over again. as im sure he needs to rebuild his trust in you. i hope you two are going on "dates" , having long talks, spending quality time together and trying to find ur footing once again. i think that is soo important toward the rebuilding of a relationship. but be sure to reassure him at every turn if he happens to get upset once in awhile. it does take time. but u sound like a very sensitive person so i trust you will be attuned to what he's feeling.
Forgive yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but he has handed you grace... so take it, and set yourself free. Just don't do it again.
You completely understand what you did wrong and wont let it happen again..Its good you feel like this but dont hold onto that, you know you hurt him and you wont let it happen again, He forgave you its time to forgive yourself. I did the same thing with my ex, and he forgave me it took me forever to forgive myself, but I did and our relationship failed for other reasons.
forgive yourself and plz make sure you will never ever do it again....appreciate him just like he appreciate you...he forgave you cuz he loves you...
if he's forgiven you, I'm sure you can forgive yourself. Just let time pass.
Comment ~
Just forgive yourself.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - "anyone who abuses in a relationship -emotionally or physically- should die. In my opinion, that's worse than cheating or lying."
thank you for saying that...feels as if I was the only one who thought this way. I told my ex that I would rather he had cheated on me than abuse me emotionally over and over. He said cheating is worse. Well the difference would have been that I might have been able to forgive him but the emotional abuse is something I have to carry with me every day and it's something that I will never forget or forgive. So yeah, thank you for your comment :)
He already forgave you and you learned from your mistake, so move on. Punishing yourself and dreading the situation longer than your bf did will only hurt yourself in the long run.
@missedout_onlife@xanga - You're welcome. :D I meant it. I wouldn't lie, cheat on, or abuse my girlfriend, and I wouldn't like any of that to be inflicted on me either. In my opinion, you can forgive someone for cheating, or lying, and you can walk away. You can't always walk away from abuse, because it's manipulative.
Get over it.....Get down on your knees and thank him for his capacity to foregive you........You did a shameful thing....be ashamed.....But don't pity yourself, it is unbecoming and dumb.....and disingenuous, too: I'm sure what you did with your Ex gave you some sense of physical satisfaction...you enjoyed that moment.....take that, keep that, accept that.....But go on......Love the one you love....TOTALLY! Don't carry this damned baggage around anymore!!!
Shit happens, and you're lucky you have a boyfriend who's willing to forgive you so to stop from sabotaging your own relationship, you need to forgive and forget, too.
Also, even though any kind of cheating is wrong, I think your case is definitely not one of the worst. You were talking to someone who you'd had a relationship with, although it may not have been a great one, for two years. He had obviously been an important part of your life at some point, and it was just a kiss. Much better than those girls with boyfriends who go to some college party, get drunk, and sleep with some guy they just met that night and don't even know their names, yeah?
You can either learn from your mistakes and move on, be with your boyfriend and learn to cope with it together. Or if you think you're going to do the same mistakes in the future, leave your boyfriend.
There's really no other good options than to forgive yourself and learn from the mistake, is there? You'll be stuck in time and remorse while your bf is waiting for you to snap out of it.
I was in the same situation. I cheated but was forgiven and to this date can not forgive myself. I don't know what it is, I just have not come to copes with all of it. I am hoping one day to forgive myself, I may never understand why I was forgiven, maybe I am never supposed to know. I just want to in the near future.