Friday, 17 April 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Is Keeping Naughty Pics of Your Ex Cheating?
I did something I don't like to do - I went through my boyfriend's text messages. He had done it to me several times, so I didn't feel too bad, and I would never read his personal conversations, but when I saw he had sent several picture messages to his own email address, I figured they were just funny or interesting, so I opened them out of curiosity.
Most of them were totally innocent - pictures of his friends, that kind of thing. But in the middle of them was a message with three pictures of a pretty girl (his ex-girlfriend!) who was naked from the waist down, flaunting her crotch. It was absolutely disgusting. I checked the date it was sent - not only had their relationship been over for almost a year, but he had been with me for several months.
I asked why the hell he had them at all, let alone saved them to his computer. He let me check his email and they weren't there, and they weren't saved in his phone either. He swore it was some kind of accident, which of course sounds like BS, but there is no way of me proving him wrong.
I know guys look at porn, but pictures of his ex? Isn't that sort of cheating (especially since he has no such pictures of me)? Have you ever found something suspicious in your SO's phone/email/etc, and what did you do?
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Comments (51)
"I'm cheating on you with a picture, sweetheart. I'm sorry."
Unless he's having sex with her too, no. It does fall into the realm of being disrespectful towards you, though.
I don't find suspicious shit because I don't go looking. My paranoia and anxiety is bad enough without snooping.
Since when is Datingish a doctor? I missed this memo! I guess I was too busy taking pictures flaunting my crotch for your boyfriend's phone.
I dont consider it cheating but I do think its not something he should still be looking at. If he wants to keep it...he needs to save it on a disc and and put in it in a drawer or something.
Not cheating, but still pretty messed up. I'd be beyond pissed if that was me.
I DO consider it cheating, if he DID keep them or look at them after you were together. Commiting sin - adultry -by lusting in his heart.
He HAS had such pictures where you found them. Either he did it actively, or accidentally.
If he accidentally kept them ( I could see that with something as intricate as a computer, but NOT with a mere cell phone.) then he should have admitted then and there and deleted them. He did not, so...
1. You are insane, and saw something that was not there. Not likely.
2. He kept the pics until you called him on the carpet, then deleted them and lied to you. More likely.
3. He kept the pics AFTER he hid them from you and is STILL lying to you. I FEEL that this is what is happening in your situation, without any proof.
You can see how little you can trust yourself if 1 is correct, and how little you can trust him if 2 or 3 is correct. Dump the lying sleeze.
As soon as a new pic is in a phone, almost everybody looks at the pic, or deletes it out of hand. Keeping it after having seen it the first time is choosing to keep it for future sinning.
The ONLY possible out I see is that he accidentally kept the pic in an old file on the computer, but then... why on the phone?
I can see a person lying when they're embarrassed, but then why would someone who is posting revlife dealing with them in an intimate relationship?
Porn is like sex-light.
There's always an outlet for desire. No picture ever said "no".
There is no real effort required from the porn reader/watcher.
There is no-one likely to tell the person when they're doing something wrong... um wrong-er? So there is little chance of increasing guilt.
Porn is non-filling, and addicts tend to desire more and/or more disturbing levels of porn.
Porn takes a clean thing like physical love, and sullies it... makes it perverse and perverted.
Take it from me... someone who almost daily has to fight desires for porn.
I tell you this. If a man or woman is lusting after any person NOT their married mate... then they are doing themself damage. You may disagree, but Jesus said it is sin.
Don't help your man to have sinned and then have sinned in hiding said sin. Drop him like a bad penny. Pray for him to get God's view on the matter.
Of course, this may seem insulting to just about every unmarried couple having sexual activity of any kind. Sorry. That's just the bare-naked truth.
May God give you the GODLY desires of your heart,
I don't necessarily consider it cheating, but I think it's pretty close. I mean, honestly. They're of his ex, for one. Okay, he sent them to his email - Why were they even on his phone for him to send? Why's he keeping them? If he's with you, there's no reason that he should even be considering his ex - let alone looking at pictures of her naked.
He's obviously got some reason for having the pictures. He may not be cheating, but he's got a reason. I figure it's a lot like how he'd look at any picture of a naked girl, except it's got more emotional nonsense behind it when he does.
maybe he knows that his past or present gfs are nosy and like to go through his privacy so he puts in there on purpose and pretends that it is an accident, so when his current gf sees sexy old pics of his ex gfs, she'll get mad/jealous and take a hint and maybe take some naughty pics for him and he'll look at those instead;) if he only looked at the pics, it isn't cheating but if he still secretly contacts and flirts with her via text, then it might be cheating.
You deserve it for looking through his things without permission.
That's not cheating. & if you know what you saw, confront him again. If he gets mad at you & keeps on denying it, he's a jerk. Chances are that he will do something stupid like this again & you'll keep falling victim to it.
no, I don't check out my SO phone at all, that's respect.
I wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend had any pictures of ex's anywhere.
no not cheating 'cause well.. he's not doing anything with it. but i know where you're coming from. it just makes you think like: .. what the hell and 'is he over it' my boyfriend showed me some pictures and i saw some old pictures of his ex, his major crush (who was my friend that he really really really liked) still on his computer. and other girls. i asked him why and he said it's just for "memories". and i know that i cant make him delete them so there's nothing i could do. just shrug it off. and dont get it to you because you cant do anything about it.
It's not cheating, but if I saw something like that I would be pissed.
If there is some sort of emotional attachment behind it (for whatever reason), then it is cheating. But if it was merely a picture which he kept, then I suppose it is just sheer disrespect towards your relationship in his part. However, it does give you the right to be somewhat irritated, if not outrageously disgusted; it makes you think: what is his motive for keeping the picture (if he has any)? and what the hell? But just be on the lookout that it doesn't happen again (this does not imply that you shouldn't have trust on your boyfriend, however). I personally think, what happens in the past should stay in the past. If he's friends with the girl, let him be friends, but any aspect of their past romantic relationship should be kept in the past, i.e. naughty pictures and such.
"Isn't that sort of cheating (especially since he has no such pictures of me)?"
Why
would not having pictures like that of you have anything to do with
putting him in the wrong? Furthermore, how is it his fault he doesn't
have said pictures of you?
i'd only consider it cheating if he looks at them often. which would be hard to catch him doing... good luck
My opinion of this is basically the same as my opinion on all of these cheating-eque questions (and actually my views on cheating itself).
While maybe not a problem in and of itself, it could very well be a sign of far worse problems.
It could've just been sent by accident. It could've been to just been to use as a generic pornographic image. Neither of which would be too horrible in the grand scheme of things.
Or it's a sign of wanting his exgirlfriend, not being able to get over her, not being able to give it up or whatever else. All of which are problably big problems.
Good luck, and I hope in your situation, I hope its one of the not so bad options.
It may not be cheating, but I'm sure you feel betrayed and hurt just the same.
I don't know if I would consider it cheating or not, but since its his ex I'd feel extremely insecure and wonder if he still had feelings for her.
I don't consider it cheating but I would be extremely disgust by it.
i mean its not neccesarily cheating but it still hurts. I know i would feel completely hurt and betrayed like...wtf. why does he have naked pics of his ex??
just ignore the assholes who say u deserve it for snooping...in all honesty it shoudnt matter what so ever that you went through his shit. the fact that he was hiding that shit from you is worse.....not cool.
i would dig deeper if i were you.