So you meet his parents and they seem nice...too nice. Aren't in-laws meant to be nasty, scary and people you would rather avoid?My boyfriend is Polynesian and is very family oriented. His best mates are his cousins and he would never ever talk back to his parents.
For the first eight months of dating or so, things were great; I'd have good conversation with his mum and felt like part of the family. His father isn't really in the picture as he lives away from home for work, so that's one less person for me to deal with.
Before I go further, here's a bit of info about me: I grew up in a middle class family that has supported me right throughout my life. I never had to get a casual job while i was doing my tertiary studies, as they supported me. Once I got my degree, I began to pay room and board. My family still provides for my needs (food, shelter) and I provide my wants (entertainment, clothes). My parents' objective is that I save my money for my future.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been in my country for a few years and lives with his mum.
He pays no board, but goes 50/50 in bills with his mum, buys groceries and I believe there's a lot more he contributes to than I'm aware of. He is in and out of work, so financially, if he were me, I'd be very tight-fisted.
At first, I thought this was the start of cultural differences, yet I would ask around and it seemed something wasn't right.
Looking back over the year, I remember hearing things like, "Mum would like this; I'll buy it for her" and "Mum needs this; I'll get this". I'm not talking about milk or small things - I mean things like a TV, car stereo or mobile phones.
In the early stages, it didn't worry me, but as things got more serious, I was thinking
this guy is acting as a provider for his mum, and she is milking him for it.Sooo I began to say things like, "oh, is it your mum's birthday present?" or "why doesn't she buy it?" Instantly from his reaction, I knew not to question him, but it pisses me off, as I see us with a future together yet, every he is putting every spare cent towards bills or his mum.
Internally, I would be in a fury when I'd hear of what (or who) he had been spending his money on. One day, something came in conversation about how similar our cultures are; I jumped in and said I thought they were quite different then said, "in your culture, the younger generations seem to support the older ones and in ours, it's the other way around".
Then I asked, "how is the younger generation supposed to get ahead in life if they are constantly supporting or helping out others, and why are you encouraged to save?" He said I had a good point and that was that.
Stay tuned for meeting extended family and further handouts.
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Comments (89)
Cm ~
Wow you sound like a self centered little twit. Why should he have to spend money on you? Are you jealous of his mother? Get a job.
you sound pretty narrow-minded in this.
I re-read this, and I think it's pretty selfless of him to be taking care of his family like that. I would say him doing this is pretty admirable.
you're in europe aren't you? mum kinda gave it away.
I think he's doing a good thing, because you see all these other kids disowning their families & parents. It's HIS money & if he wishes to give back to his mother, then let him. I think the reason is pretty clear here, no matter how harsh it sounds, she is his MOTHER & you the girlfriend. Suck it up & let him give stuff to his mother if he likes to, get a job & buy yourself things if it makes you any happier.
If you can buy your own stuff, I'm not really sure why this bothers you so much. If you decide to get married, you might have problems. But you know this about him going into it. If you think you can change him, you may be in for a rude awakening.
What's he supposed to do? Turn his mother out on the street?
People say that the best way to judge a man and how he treats women is by how he treats his mom. So you should be happy and proud that your bf is a good man and a filial son to his mother and his family in general!! Grow up and stop being so spoiled, selfish and narrow minded.
You're being a bit too selfish and greedy. He made his money so he can spend it on whomever he wants. You should be grateful that he's taking care of his mom and not spending it on a whore outside of your relationship. Or like a lot of females have complained, guys spending too much time/money on video games. You got yourself a family man, what more do you want?
Analyzing from the mannerism of your statement, you have a prejudice over 'in-laws'...IE: 'His father isn't really in the picture as he lives away from home for work, so that's one less person for me to deal with.'
Break the stereotypes and view it from his point of view. You're kind of telling him that he shouldn't treat his mom kindly. And plus, you don't know their family background/history.
My bf's mom raised him and his older brother singlehandedly on a salary of 20k. Both kids grew up to love her and be proud of her. Currently, at 25k, do you think someone is able to support themselves living in NYC?
In Chinese culture: most kids are financially supported 100% until they find a real full time job after college. At that point, the kids usually financially support the parents back, especially after retirement.
I've paid my way through school, never had an allowance, always had a job on the side, and I'd be more then happy to support may parents if they weren't able to support themselves. I don't think I could ever pay enough for my upbringing.
You've had a privilaged, it doesn't mean others have had the same.
If you try to stop him from providing for his mother, he (and she) will undoubtedly resent you for it.
Asians seem to be more family oriented. Some American families, once they are out and financially stable, tend to place their parents in a home if they aren't able to support themselves. Others just seem to live by themselves if they can. Being Chinese, my grandmom (dad's side) is still living with us at home. Korean children still live with their parents until they're married. Growing up, I learn to help my parents out a bit (like getting a job so my parents don't have to pay for everything when I'm in school). It's mostly just cultural differences, though we can all learn from different ones (and maybe blend into one giant culture!). :D
Okay, whereas I can understand your frustration, I don't think there's any reason for it. I think your main worry is that if you two do have a future together, is he going to be buying tv's for his mother and all of that jazz. If you two can't even get the stuff you want, yet he goes and buys his mom a TV, that would be a problem. I think that you're worried about that scenario actually occurring.
I do think it's sweet that he's doing so much for his mom. That tells you a lot about what he'll be willing to do for you. After all, if he's going to do all of that for his mom, he'd definitely do it for his wife / girlfriend - right?
The issue seems to be how far he's willing to go, and when. If you two are married with kids, I don't think he needs to continue spending that kind of money on his mom unless you've literally got it.
As for right now, you two are financially on your own. Wouldn't you say that it's better that he's getting stuff for someone else, rather than spending tons of money on himself? He's doing something selfless, give him credit there.
Since you two aren't depending on one anothers income to stay afloat, and you don't even live together, I think you should relax. He's earning his money, so it's his to do whatever he wants with.
I'm a bit like your boyfriend with the closeness and support of my family. I think it's great that he supports his mother. It shows a kindness and giving heart that I find attractive. I wouldn't think much of a man who didn't support his family. I'm very close to my large family and we support each other. Currently I'm single with a large income and no debt so it's easy for me to help out nieces, nephews, cousins etc. who need help. I think that as long as I'm not asking a boyfriend to help me support my family it's none of his business what I do with my own money.
you sound pretty spoiled to me. i grew up supporting myself ever since the age of 14.
but every family is different, so i take back spoiled. just know that you have it easy.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - i completely agree.
i'm sorry to say that you do come off very selfish and narrow-minded in this entry. be grateful that your parents are able to provide for you and realize that many others aren't nearly so lucky. the fact that his father isn't around likely means his mother had to raise and financially support him by herself. he is being grateful as he should be.
your SO's family members aren't just people for you "to deal with" or be "tight-fisted" towards. that's terrible! if you care about the relationship, you would care about his family as if it were your own. i'm sure you didn't intend to sound this way, but constantly asking him about his spending makes it seem like you want more control over it. you have no right to be "in a fury" over gifts for his mother. seriously?
i severely doubt she is "milking him" since i heard no mention of her actually asking for anything from him.
So what if he is?
i'll go ahead and hit all perspectives here, he needs not spend money on other people but its his choice and sometimes though regardless of how annoying you have to help support parents for they are not always stable capable people. If you are unable to hang out and do things with your significant other than that can put a strain on a relationship because it doesn't matter if you plan on getting married are just dating or what have you it should be fun and enjoyable. Its an adventure and experience and things get bad so it gets emotional and dramatic but you deal with what you need to and go your separate ways.
intently waiting for the post where you explain how you aren't selfish.
I'm sorry, but you do sound a bit selfish. I would do the same as your boyfriend. My parents tried to give me everything I ever wanted and I admit that I was a spoiled brat. But now that I'm older, I'm willing to financially support my parents because they're the ones that always loved me and provided for me all these years.
All I have to say is, you're very lucky to have your parents supporting you (for food and shelter), so don't take it for granted. And maybe once in a while, buy something nice for your parents.
what the hell is wrong with supporting your parents? i would definitely want my own kids to do that for me, and i would want to support my parents when they need it.
Just because your family financially spoon-feeds you doesn't mean everyone has the same benefit. It's his money, and he can spend it how he wants to.
"His father isn't really in the picture as he lives away from home for work, so that's one less person for me to deal with."
^ Ummm.. can you say jerk? I thought you said his family was nice to you?
It seems like you're just jealous of the fact that you aren't the only person in his life, and that his family matters so much to him. Maybe you didn't mean to come off that way, but you really did. If that's the case, get over it. His family came way before you, and they will continue to be around even when you aren't.
This seems pretty normal to me, I don't know anything about you SO's family culture, but I am 2nd gen. Filipino and this is just what loyal sons do--its actually a trait women look for in men over there! Because to women, if he takes care of his mother in this way just think of how he'd treat his wife, or his daughter. He clearly is a family man and there is something to be said about a loyal son--they are admirable
See, the logic behind it is that because she has provided for him from birth till he was an adult he should provide for her when she is no longer able to do so for herself. Its how families operate, you provide for the members who cannot provide for themselves. Like the elderly and the young children and it's the middle aged group that takes car of that.
I totally understand your concern though too, I could see how him it would raise questions about his financial stability and how that'd factor into your future. But if he is doing ok financially now while taking care of his mother than I'd imagine this guy knows what he is doing and if your future is meant to be together then you need to trust he will adapt his financial situations to keep you in top priority like he did with his mom.
My parents came here with absolutely nothing from Vietnam. They worked really hard to raise my sister and I. They came to America so that we can have a better life here. After my sister graduated from college she found a really good job. She helped me out when I went to college. She helped pay for my books and board. The money that she makes a day is a lot more than what my parents make in a week.
He's just trying to help out his family.
This post frustrated me...and I'm not easily frustrated. I think you're just being selfish and shallow (as most people above suggested already). I can see where your boyfriend is coming from...you said his mom is milking him? Do you not realize that for many many years she was the one who was supporting him? Did you see yourself as milking your parents? He's just doing the right thing by contributing to someone who raised him. Just because YOU didn't feel the need to give back to your parents doesn't make what he does wrong.