Wednesday, 15 April 2009
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How Long Should You Know Someone Before An Engagement?
I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone. And by long distance, I mean LONG distance. He's in Virginia, I'm in California, and we don't get to see each other often due to school, conflicts with holiday breaks (he's on the semester system while I'm on the quarter system) and of course, money (I'm 18; he's 19; plane tickets are expensive). Although it seems excruciating with those conditions, our relationship has not faltered. We've been together for four months, and in a few days, it'll be our fifth month together. Although the distance may be difficult, I can say with confidence that I've never felt this strongly about someone before. He's SO amazing, and I really do love him.As much as I love him, when he brought up the subject of engagement, I was taken aback for a few moments. He didn't propose to me, mind you. He first talked about where we would be in three years. Ideally, I would be a senior in the university I go to, and he'd be in his first year of grad school at Berkeley (hopefully). He's aiming to go to Berkeley so he would be much closer to the school I'm currently attending and the school that I will hopefully be attending for graduate school. Although, in this ideal situation, he'd be much closer, it would still be a long distance relationship (albeit, not as "long" as it is right now). He asked me whether or not I'd be okay with engagement in three years even though our relationship would be long distance.
Initially, I thought about it, and I was alright with being engaged with long distance. The more I thought about it, though, the more three years seemed to just be a bit too fast. I asked several of my friends whether three years for a couple was too fast to be considering engagement. Many of my friends said that three or four years is the norm for a couple to consider engagement.
I then brought up the topic with my cousins. Amazingly, they completely disagreed with my friends on how long a couple should be together before thinking about engagement. My cousin's girlfriend said that three years would be a bit too fast; I then asked her what would be a good time period, and she said at least five to eight years. My oldest cousin said three years was way too fast and further elaborated that couples should wait at least ten years before considering engagement.
When he said ten years, I was shocked. That seemed like too long to me, and my boyfriend agreed. I think, now, that three years is an average amount of time to consider it - not too long but not too quick.
What do you think? How long should a couple wait before considering engagement?
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Comments (105)
wait at least three years to know them but you definitely dont need 10 years!
Honestly, I dont think there is a "set" amount of time that you should consider doing anything. My parents met, got engaged, got married in a little over a year and they've been married for going on 30 years now. I met my girlfriend last August and we've started talking about engagement/marriage already. On the other hand, I was with my ex for 4 years, got engaged, called it off and broke up. It's simply a matter of the two individuals involved and where their comfortability levels reside and how mature they are and how much of life they've truly experienced. Anytime you try to set a timeline/rubric on something such as love...you're bound to mess things up.
For me, I'd want it to be at least three to five years..
financially stable
remember, people change when they go through college
I agree with one of the other commenters, there is no set amount of time that works seamlessly with everyone. We all need a different amount of time. I've seen people get married in less than a year of dating, and stay together for over thirty years. I've also seen people who dated and considered engagement years before actually getting married, and they were divorced more quickly. It depends on the people at hand.
I would say around eight months at least, like the first commenter said.
I would say to give it at least a year of knowing each other well, though not necessarily dating that entire time. Most of it, hopefully.
Hehe. I remember when my fiancé's voice was higher than mine! We've known each other for a long time.
i think it's different depending on how old you are and your circumstances. you seem really young, you're still in school, you're across the country and you've only been dating for 4, almost 5 months. give it some time...
ive been with this guy for 9 months and we are talking about getting married
so i think that when you are ready its been long enough
good luck
Personally, I would not want to get married until the late 20s or early 30s.
But for engagement.. I would wait for at LEAST 5 years, preferably 8-10.
Also, it's always great to live with the person for awhile first.
ten years is wayyy too long, lol. I think a year to two years is pretty normal time for an engagement. I feel like any other time is way too risky.
but of course, if the guy I'm dating now proposed to me...(shh don't tell him!)- I'd have a hard time saying no. :) and we've been together way less than a year. but you gotta make sure you ride out at least one big storm together. true personality is in crisis!
I think 1-3 years before getting engaged is fairly standard. It depends on your age and what point in life you are both at. Since you are both young, you might want to wait a couple more years until you're both financially stable and in the same location.
Really depends on the couple. Some people dive into it after 4-5 months, others after a few years. Personally I would wait at least a year or two to get married. To do the engagement, at least a year. Anything sooner or later in my opinion's too scary.
I would just want to wait until after graduating. Like someone already said, people change in college.
And I agree with living with someone before getting engaged. I lived with my boyfriend for a year before we had to move back home (because of roommate fiascoes). We both learned a lot about each other, and have spent the past 10 months working to fix the problems in our relationship.
But if you're looking to get a general idea of when most people pop the question, one of my best friends got engaged recently to a guy she's been dating for the past 3 and 1/2 years. That seems to be the norm.
i'd say at least one year of being in a relationship together is the bare minimum. it's too low for me personally... i'd want to wait two to four years, i think, with the cap being at six years or so. after that it's just too long a time! unless you don't believe in marriage, of course.
I know people that dated for only a few weeks before getting engaged--and they've been married for almost 50 years!
But in this day and age, I'd say a healthy time limit of being together should be at least 8 months.
Then again, I'm engaged and by the time my fiancé and I get married, we'll have been together for nearly 6 1/2 years.
It honestly depends on the couple...
I don't think you can put a timeline on relationships. Your age, your situation, your academic and career aspirations all play into that decision. If you'd told me at 19 that I needed to wait 10 years, I probably would have said "Fine," because marriage was about the last thing on my mind at that age. At 28, if you told me I needed to wait 10 years, I would have said "How about you worry about your own situation?!" because I'm in a much different place now than I was then.
My boyfriend and I are coming up on 5 months of exclusive dating, just over 6 months of dating in general. Would I marry him? Absolutely! But, I also know we're on the same page in terms of major life issues, including careers, family situations (both in terms of ours families now and how we envision our own little future family), and financial matters. If someone told me a year was too soon right now, I wouldn't be happy with them (this is, actually, my current situation with my BFF), though I respect their opinion.
Just take it slowly & don't rush things if you're not comfortable. You can't make your life conform to someone else's timeline!
In my opinion there shouldn't be a certain amount of time you have to be together to think about or get engaged.
However, I do think that it's wiser to be out of education i.e. university before making that commitment.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and within 2 or 3 months we were discussing getting engaged and our plans for the future but I think we both know not to rush into things and just enjoy the relationship for what it is now :)
Depends on what kind of relationship you have...if its very conserved and slow to warm up, it might take longer due to the time it takes for you two to really know each other. I didnt really know my boyfriend until the third year I was with him, and believe me, he an I were physical right after a year. I think you really only get to break the barrier of who somebody is after a year...sometimes thats the breaking point where people really start to change. or become bit, by, bit more comfortable. The first year is what people call the "honeymoon" stage.
i;ve been with my bf just over a year and almost a month. we talked about getting married in the future and i think it makes us both happy inside.
i wouldn't put a time line on when to get engaged but 2-3yrs of being together is a pretty good range. anymore than that is too long.
but we're in no rush either and as beka said above, enjoy the relationship for what it is now. ♥
its relative. i honestly think 10 years is wayyy too long. BUT if you guys were HS sweethearts, then it'll make more sense. I think about 2 to 3 years is a good time.
good luck :)
I think it totally depends on the couple, their age, their maturity level, whether or not they've been in long-term relationships before, whether or not they're in school, whether or not they've lived in the same city ever, etc.
No matter the situation, I think it's best to know each other for at least a year before getting married. (However, my friend's parents got married after knowing each other for only a month! They've been married now for 20-something years. Some people just "know," I guess.)
at least 2-3 years before someone asks to be engaged. 5 months isn't a great amount of time at all. He sounds crazy.
I know a couple who dated on and off for 10 years before the guy popped the question. I know a guy who proposed to his girlfriend after 6 months of dating. I think you need a couple of years before you consider getting engaged-10 years is a bit much and 6 months is not enough.
10 years?! If someone doesn't actually find someone they really really like until say college, they would be almost 30... if they ended up breaking up in there (since its not always the case first relationships equal marriage, often its many), the person would be 35, even 40 if they dated a few people with time in between... some people don't find their person until they're 30 anyway... that would basically make having kids very difficult too...
I think for people in college (especially HS/Undergrads) more time is usually better just because people are still figuring out their lives, still unstable, still trying to figure who they are... a lot of change occurs around that time so freshman are often in a completely different place than seniors.
If you can endure that change though together, then that probably is a good sign for any other problems ahead in the marriage world.