Wednesday, 15 April 2009

• You Can't Change The Past; You Can Change Your Perspective

  It all started a year ago. I met him through two of my close friends. At first sight, I knew he was something special, someone worth knowing, someone worth having in my life. So that's what I tried to do. I got to know him and surprisingly, we connected so well together. He was the first guy I would talk to for hours on the phone, and I liked the feeling when I did. After a month, I was sure we both felt something for each other. Then things happened. One of my best friends that I introduced to him fell for him. He caught her. I couldn't say I was completely shocked, but I was disappointed. I was disappointed at them both. Drama started and long story short, she got rid of him and he apologized to me.

  I didn't care what he did. I just knew that I wanted and needed him in my life. We continued our talks. He and my best friend didn't speak anymore. I did feel guilt, but I was too blinded and had already fallen too deep. I swore I could feel that he felt the same way. Months later, he asked me out. I followed my heart and said yes. Don't get me wrong, I spoke to my friend afterward and made sure it was okay. Obviously, she said yes. This was two months after they split up.
  

  He was my first boyfriend. He was the first person I fell for in high school. He was the first person to give me butterflies in my stomach. He was the first person I told everything to. He was my first boy movie date. He was the first guy I would do anything for. He was my first kiss. He was the first boy that showed he cared about me. He was the first boy I cared so much about. He was my first everything. He was the first boy I fell in love with.

  I knew that we had was something special. Our relationship started at the beginning of summer and we had great good memories. One that still sits in the back of my mind is the week he went on a one-week cruise and with no source of communication, we wrote letters to each other. We promised we would trade them when he came home. Silly as it sounds, we both did it. The week he was gone, I was devastated. I felt lost and lonely. Who knew what a great impact he had on me? The moment he arrived back, he called me. I felt this energy of excitement I've never felt before. He could tell it through the phone.

  Then I became scared. I could tell that this boy loved me. He truly, honestly, loved me. This was something that had never happened to me before. I wasn't used to having a boy care so much about someone like me. I didn't know what to do. I suddenly started breaking off plans with him and hiding away how I felt. I was scared of it all. I didn't know what to do. One day, we got into an argument and then just like that, it ended. It was gone and somehow I was the one that caused it. He let me go thinking that this was what I wanted and he respected that. I cried afterward. I didn't know what to do.

  After a couple days of not speaking, I remembered the notebook that I wrote for him when he was away. I read it over again and it was hard to do without tearing up. After reading the silly words I had written on the papers, I realized something: I love him. He was something special, really special. Without thinking, I called him up and said I would drop by. I just had to give him the notebook. He had to know how I felt. So I did, he was surprised but he gave me his in return. I walked away to the park and read his letters. (A couple months later, I found out that when I had called him, he thought I wanted to get back like before. Apparently, he had never moved on then. I didn't either.)

  Through our many miscommunications, we had our ups and downs. The next couple months were days of on and offs. For months, he hadn't moved on, hoping we would get back together. I wanted the same thing and I was waiting for the day it would happen. We had our share of arguments and things changed. He got a job and I had none. He was always busy and I always had no plans. We went our separate ways, but I never stopped thinking about him. I found out he had moved on to this other girl. I thought it was over, I told myself I was going to move on. It didn't work.

  The more I tried to move on, the more he realized I had never moved on. For some reasons still unknown to me, he ended things with his girlfriend. Over winter break, we suddenly started communicating again. We connected so fast, and it brought back old feelings that I spent months getting rid of. We talked and things led to another; we got back together. I found my notebook near his nightstand. He'd kept it after all these months and it made me happy.

  But, things have changed by now. Everyone went against us. No one liked the idea of us being together. Our friends knew how long they spent trying to get us to move on. They wouldn't let us be. In addition to all this madness, my friend (yes, the same one) started liking him again. All these obstacles killed the relationship, except this time, he was the one that ended it.

  Now it's a month later and he's got a new girlfriend. I now know he's lost his feelings for me. I can now say goodbye to him. That doesn't mean I still don't think about the past or that his face pops up in my mind whenever I hear a love song. It means that I know we weren't meant to be. What we had was special and I'm so thankful for it. I am no longer mad at how he moved on so quickly, he just lost interest.
  

  I no longer care about who he likes anymore or the things that he does; it's none of my business anymore. I no longer have any regrets for the things that have happened in the past. I no longer have his notebook with me. He left a mark on my heart and it's there to stay. However, I can honestly say here  , to the whole wide web, that I can now let him go. Most importantly, I can let him go while saying that he was never a waste of my time.

  It's true, you can't change the past but you can definitely change your perspective.

  I hope my story and this post will encourage the heartbroken ones out there to change their own perspective. Have you been in a similar situation? Are you willing to change your perspective on the one you loved?

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