My best friend of 18 years just got engaged a month ago. At first, she didn't know how to react; she was between squealing in complete excitement and worrying that she wasn't ready. I stood at her side, reminding her to take baby steps and that she would be fine. Last week she attended a friend's wedding, and suddenly all of those "what ifs" were erased and she is ready to start planning.
I had gotten into a bit of a fight with my boyfriend (of 6 years, we're fine! thank you) and suddenly things are spewing out of her mouth such as, "Well, as a woman about to get married" and "Well, I know better because I'm going to get married, so here is my advice". This is coming from a girl who never gave me advice because I was the one who needed Ben and Jerry's ice cream and to vent, which is how I work out my issues - she's known this for many years.
When I was telling her about my friend who is dating a guy 18 years her senior (I'm super frustrated with this), she thought she also knew everything and said, "Well, as a bride, I know that my FIANCE and I are looking forward to sharing everything together. We're looking forward to being poor together [ha, yeah right, your parents will pay for everything you can't], and to getting that first promotion together. *insert fiance's name* doesn't know this yet, but I have our life planned out..." And the story continued.
Now, our friendship has been very shaky lately; she doesn't pay attention to the signs, but that is because I let her walk all over me. I know this is a red flag. But with an 18 year friendship under our belt and our families being so close, I feel like it is my obligation to continue the friendship, and really, the good times are far more than worth it!
This is the kind of girl who gets everything she wants. Most of the time she's good about showing that she appreciates all of it, but I'm worried that with this wedding and all the planning going on, all I'm going to hear is "As a bride", "Well let me give you some advice because I know because I'm getting married", and all those other things that she suddenly knows because she has a rock on her finger.
I want to support my best friend in getting married; I'm going to be second only to her sister in the train of bridesmaids, and I feel like it is my obligation to make everything perfect for her, if not for her sanity, but for mine too.
So, how do I keep my cool with my best friend when she is in bridezilla mode and she isn't getting married for at least another year? Does anyone have any tips on how to handle people who feel like suddenly with a big change in their life they know everything? And how about people who have gotten married, did you feel like you had your friends' support?
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Comments (25)
Wait until after the honeymoon. Maybe then she'll stop being such an idiot towards you. And YOU need to stop letting her walk over you, but if you're afraid she'll stop being your friend just because of that, you may want to reconsider how deep that friendship really is.
I would say talk to her about it. When she's not being all excited about the wedding. Just say you want to talk to her just you and her, and be open and honest. If not, wait til after the honeymoon. Good luck.
Yeah, what QuantumStorm said. Just because she's getting married doesn't mean she's the expert in relationships. She just happened to have a guy who thinks he's ready to spend the rest of his life with her and popped the question first. You need to let her know that while you appreciate advice, she isn't necessarily the one to give it and that getting married doesn't back it up. Sometimes, the straight truth hurts, but it's the only way to give it to them.
Try telling her. If it doesn't work, take yourself out of her life for awhile. You've been friends for 18 years. It can mend after the honeymoon.
Since she is such an expert and is about to get married, let her give you advice, so she can marry and find out how wrong she really can be.
I think the best way to support a best friend is making her a better person. If it means giving her a wake-up call, so be it. Yeah, it's easier said than done because, after all, she is your best friend. ...But if someone is full of it, wouldn't they want to come down a few notches (especially since she seems like the type of person who has been raised to show her respect for everyone equally)? I know I would, but that's just me. I'm not trying to get you to have an all-out argument with her, but I think it'd be cooler to not have so much tension in between the two of you. She's allowed to have her day of glory as a bride, but it doesn't mean she gets to be all high and mighty until the day comes. Good luck, and congratulations to your best friend!
(p.s. sorry for the length and redundancy of the paragraph. I get carried away sometimes. Haha =])
My best friend acts like this now that she has a boyfriend, & although they're not getting married, it's a very similar situation. Just wait til the novelty of her situation wears off, maybe then she'll come back down to earth.
You have to sit her down and tell her how you feel. Maybe she doesn't even know she's doing it because she's so thrilled about getting married. And don't continue the friendship just for the sake of being friends or because your familes are close. Those are good reasons, but continue the friendship because you want to.
Maybe she thinks she's all that and perhaps take a step back and let her spend time with her fiance until she realizes that she misses you.
If you've been friends with her for 18 years (that's remarkably long, btw, and I applaud you for that), tell her whatever you've told us here. Be honest, but be gentle, and she SHOULD be able to take it considering how close you both are. All the best
If you don't want to hear her "acting like an expert" since she got a rock on her finger, don't tell her your problems or what you think of anyone's relationship.
Technically, she's not married yet so she don't know it all and even if she is married, everyone's relationship and issues and how they handle it is different from others.
If you let her walk all over you and feel that you should continue this friendship with her because you are obligated to and your families are so close, maybe you should reevaluate your friendship with her.
You guys have been friends for 18 years and you don't know how to talk to her about this? Let her know that you are happy for her....but also tell her that you don't appreciate her giving you petty advices especially since she's NOT even married yet. Trust me...I speak from experience. I was once engaged [thank goodness I was never like your friend] but tell her not to get her hopes up and give you marriage/dating advice until she's been married for 20 years.
as a friend of 18 years, you just need to be straight up for pete's sakes...
well.. pick up a skill called selective hearing and just block out her voice~ :)
i have a friend like that, not getting married but she was in a relationship of over a year and things went down hill so with that she thinks she knows more about relationships than i do because i date guys for maximum of 3 months until my now bf.
she would say, guys are always like that because if you are with them long enough thats what happens etc~
with people who thinks they know more than you and wants to constantly give you advice, you must develop selective hearing and just nod and smile! :)
I think she just wants to rub it in your face that she is engaged and about to be married and you're not. this might sound offensive but her engagement has turned your friend into a total b*tch.
I get the feeling your friend is going through that phase girls go through when everything is going right for them and they brag about it. I'd sugest to kindly talk about it and to also be sensitive to her because she is after all getting married and I know you wouldn't want to be the debbie downer on the bride's moment.
I am also under the impression that she is reassuring herself by telling you how great things are going. As though if she keeps telling you how she knows all this stuff about relationships then she will reinforce the belief that she does know and build up some confidence to cover up the fact that she may very well not have a clue. Just like the rest of us.
But then again, I don't really know this girl.
wow your friend is marrying at a VERY young age o.o it's interesting~
Marry ......
well you can try talking to her about it?
write her a note or take her out to coffee and let her know somehow that you are a big girl and just need someone to listen to you, rather than to give you lofty advice...(to be said in much kinder words of course...)
@bella_esperanza@xanga - yeah I agree with you. the best thing about having a friendship that long is you probably already been through many fights; both big and small, and was able to get over them all.
have faith in your friendship with your friend and be truth to her with your feelings.
Probably like all the previous comments above, I would say that 18 years being friends, she should know when she's stepping all over you and acting like a snob. But since you aren't saying anything, she feels like she's getting away with it. Maybe a straight-out confrontation could break your relationship, but there are no obligations in friendships. Let her know how you feel and what she's doing that's making you feel bad.
OMG - This happened to me! I had a good friend... she gave useful advice... then when she got engaged... suddenly she gave really crappy advise which all started with "let me tell you from someone that's about to get married"
Thanks for sharing this... it really made me feel better about that whole situation now. ^_^
I suggest communicate with her. Write her a letter, perhaps, because sometimes we are able to express ourselves better on paper. It can also avoid fights afterall, because she can always interrupt you if you speak, cut you off and start arguments. Of course, after she reads the letter, talk to her about it face to face, but by then she'd have a better idea of your true intentions and has a lesser chance of misinterpreting your words.
In the letter, explain to her what's bothering you about her, what you think it's best for her, and mostly how much she means to you, which is the reason you want her to wake up from her "expert mode". Make sure she knows that you want her to "change" for herself, and not for you. If she is mature, cares about you and your friendship, and I repeat, mature, then she will give your thoughts her attention.
Also, I agree with some other comments here: Be her best friend because you want to, not because you feel obligated to.
And one last thing, since right now she has a certain mentality of knowing everything and is overwhelmed with excitement, she might not understand you at first when she hears your thoughts. It happens to all of us, ex. when we are super depressed and have that depressed mentality, it is hard for us to see any good sides to life, no matter how much other people try to "wake us up".
Best of luck!
show her this post.
haha.
Hmmm.. l can see where you are coming from. The whle.. "Well I am bride.." what drive me more crazy is when they say, " well, I am already married take my advice...." What I say to you from the not married person is.. just let her be.. and don't listen to all of her advice.... or simply say in a nice way.. "what works for may not work for me but thank-you for your advice."
Best of luck to you...