Put yourself in this situation - your partner arranges to meet his/her ex for lunch, but it's arranged behind your back. You've been together for maybe...six months, your partner has mentioned his/her ex briefly to be someone who did not treat them well, and claims that he/she didn't love the person. They have not been together for several years, and the relationship was no more than a few months long.
However, your partner also seems to have difficulty in throwing away the ex's belongings, defends him/her during arguments and now you just so happen to find out about this secretly arranged lunch date. What would be your first reaction, and how would you take it? Would you be comfortable with it? Would it have been different if you were told beforehand?
This is based on a real life experience from many years ago, and I think it would be interesting for me to see how others would react to this kind of situation
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Comments (39)
I would have told him to consider himself dumped.
i'd be absolutely pissed. the person claimed not to love them ... but if there was truly no love there why the need to hide it. under no cirumstance would i be happy if my boyfriend felt the need to have lunch with an ex ... but to add insult to injury it's done behind your back? that's just absolutely wrong. it's deceitful & disrespectful to your relationship
I would think the person had feelings for the ex that they were hiding from me.
I'd be extremely pissed if something like that happened to me. >:( I'd dump the guy on the spot.
My boyfriend did something similar to this. He showed up at his ex's house out of the blue because he happened to be in the area for a funeral. They hadn't talked for years and haven't been together for almost a decade. I wasn't present, but he told me all about it a couple days later. He felt guilty for it.
I wasn't bothered at all. It certainly wasn't a deal breaker like how most irrational women would react. He went there for closure / to tie up loose ends because he had been hurt so badly by her. I understand his intentions, and am sad it didn't really give him the answers he was seeking.
I would feel less betrayed, for lack of a better word, if I had known in advance. I don't control my significant other, I can only give him input or share my feelings. If he doesn't want to repsect the way I feel by pursuing his ex, then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. Maybe he just likes her more than he likes me. However, if the guy only needs closure, then okay - as long as he can convince me that this deal is between the two of us, not him, the ex, and me. But then again, this is me trying to think rationally. I don't know whether or not I'd be a psycho, clingy girlfriend. Hahaha.
I would not be happy at all. I'd kick him to the curb. :P
I think one of the reasons why they meet behind their back is because they don't want their partner to be upset.
Think about it, If i have tolddone my gf that I would be going out with my ex to lunch, no matter what the next thing i say, she would immidiately think that there is something going on, which, i am assure those who read my argument, there isn't.
I am still friends with my ex, simply because before we got together, there were also the 8 years of friendship. And we got to good terms on why the relationship ended, and i now truly don't love her or feel that way about her anymore.
Now, on any level, my gf would be jealous in at least some way, which is understandable. Reason I dont tell her about this would be, What's the good for telling her?? She would feel unhappy about it. She would think too much over nothing.
Though, if you were to hide it, it would better be only a one-time thing, and you should never ever EVER let her find out, coz then, you are in a WORLD of trouble!!
With the guy not being able to get over the ex, and then going and having secret lunch dates with them, I'd figure that he was going to end up getting with her if he hadn't already. If he wasn't interested in her, why would he feel the need to not tell me anything about it? I'd be bothered. Not necessarily pissed, but definitely bothered. I'd tell him to either get rid of all her stuff and leave her behind for good, or we're over. Either that or I'd just say we were over until he could get over her; and if he was unable to do so, we should move on.
That's a major betrayal of trust in my book.
Well, if someone is going to get back with their ex there is nothing you can do about it. I always err on the side of caution and tell my boyfriend when I am seeing or talking to an ex so that they hear it from me instead of hearing it from someone else. I hope he would be considerate enough to do the same.
But like I said, there is nothing you can do about it so you might as well move on to the question of "can I deal with this?" or "am I going to be so jealous and suspicious that I really ought to just break up with them now?"
If he has difficulty throwing his ex's belongings away, defend her during arguments, AND I found out that he secretly arranged a lunch date with her behind my back - he still have feelings for her and he wants to get back with her. What am I supposed to think other than that?
If he had told me beforehand instead of me finding out, I would be uncomfortable with the idea but I would respect and give him props for telling me straight forward. More or less, I would think this lunch date with his ex would be good for him as a closure so that he can finally move on.
i'd probably talk it out with him and break up with him after the talk. if he comes back to me, he's mine. if not... i'll be heart-broken but i'll get over it. huhuhuh...
You just opened my eyes to something. I'd be very heart broken if that happened. I'd probably be in shock and angry.
This hits close to home. It happened to me a couple months ago..or rather my boyfriend. He met with his his ex without telling me. I found out the wrong way (through his text messages). I was upset that he lied to me. Deep down..I know he still loves her, even though he claims he is not. My heart was shattered and I wanted to break up. But we had to fly to LA together the next day so it wasn't a good situation. Sigh* I talked to him and let him know that it's okay to meet up with his ex girlfriends, but it'd be nice if he can tell me about it before doing so. Since I don't have any exes...this would not happen to me.
I think understanding is the key. If the boyfriend still loves his exes...then the relationship should be a done deal. Don't waste time on people who always dwell on the past or have not gotten over their exes.
It may be a harsh thing to say but I think that person may just become my ex, because if there's no trust in a relationship it will fail. There's just no way around it.
Doing it behind your back was totally wrong. You really should of at least been told about this arrangement.
My first reaction.. prepare for an altercation. The bastard is going to get hit by anything that is in my reach. Prepare to have the police come to your house because there's going to be a lot of yelling and screaming..and tears and "I'm sorries". Then I would gather myself and leave the scene..because being lied to about something that significant is not worth it. You can never know his true intentions in having a secret meeting with her and he will never tell you.
I would be pissed in the sense that I felt lied to. If he doesn't love this person anymore and there's no feelings like that between them, why the need to cover it up? Plus, not only is it lying, but it also implies a sense of distrust, at least for me.
*Shrug* and walk away, maybe for good, because he knows I don't want to be a middle (wo)man. Once I know about it, he better figure out which road he wants to take.
Absolutely pissed, if not dumped (at least if he knew how ex's make me feel uncomfortable if things are done in secret).
Hell, WHY should it be in secret? It automatically becomes more suspicious because it was done that way.
If he's hiding it then obviously there's hidden feelings and the guilt of knowing he's doing something wrong.
I'd be totallyy upset and angry. If he told me beforehand ... hmm
Honestly...I wouldn't mind the guy I'm dating to keep in touch with his ex girlfriend. I am still good friends with my ex boyfriend. The next guy I date will just have to know that there are no more feelings....there's a reason why we're [the ex and me] are not together. Now...hanging out with the ex bf every weekend is some fishy behavior and should be immediately addressed that it is an issue.
Pissed off.
My boyfriend's mom is going through that =/
& I would have stormed out and probably snapped at him.
Fuck that
It's shadier to lie about it than to just be upfront about your intentions from the beginning.
I would have given her an ultimatum - either get over your ex or get over me.