Monday, 13 April 2009
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Dating A Girl with No Family
A while back, I read a piece of advice in a men's magazine.It was something along the lines of: don't date a girl who is on bad terms with her family; she's bound to be trouble.
Now, I understand the logic, I really do. If her family won't talk to her, then she must have done something really messed up, right?
Well, not always.
The girl may just be a cycle-breaker.
To explain: Some families are dysfunctional. Seriously, seriously crazy. There's abuse, alcoholism, eating disorders, a million things that can invade a family and rip it up. And because it happens in a family, where people are supposed to love each other and be loyal to the death, it is very, very hard to stop the invasion. A father beats his kids, then his kids beat their kids, a mother drinks too much, and her children pick up the habit. Suddenly, you have generation after generation of shattered people who should really not be enabling each other.
I would consider myself a cycle-breaker.
Ask me about my family and I will evade your questions. The truth is, I don't often speak to them. And it's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm getting away from them in order to repair some of the damage I incurred being raised in my household.
I'm not a monster. Not undatable. Not bad news.
Dating me is actually easier. There are no tense family dinners, no awful family holiday meltdowns, no relatives to impress. Just me, deciding for myself what I want to become, and who I want to be with.
Have you ever dated someone who did not speak to his or her family? What was it like?
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- From: lotta_valdez@xanga
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Comments (29)
i really like this. good good points.
Nope, he was very close to his family.
Why does the article assume that it's the girl with the problem, not the family? :/
I haven't seen or spoken to my biological dad in 12 years, and haven't seen or spoken to my mom in almost 3 years. Best decisions I ever made. I, too, am a cycle-breaker... sometimes people will try to convince me to make contact with my mom again, but I don't see the point. My life has improved so much without her in it! No more pointless guilt, drama, Bible-beating... and no more blaming the blameless. If she won't own up to her problems, then I'm not dealing with her.
I couldn't agree with you more. My family is really dysfunctional and because of it, I am a better person. You can either become or overcome. They inspire me to be the best I can, not to mention the many lessons I have learned due to their mistakes. I wouldn't be so motivated and nonjudgemental if weren't for my parents.
J is super curious about my family, a group of people I try to avoid as often as possible. It reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest: "My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing
that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious
pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live,
nor the smallest instinct about when to die."
i dated a girl that i thought her family lived on the east coast (we lived/live on the west coast) until one day at her place her mom came over and i knew right away what and why the problem was/is. we are not dating because of her situation, it just was not a strong enough match between us. i think i would rather be with someone who is estranged from their family.
I understand completely...I do have a family that I speak to....as in my mother's family...and I am close with my stepfather's family....my biological father killed himself when I was a year old....he was hooked on anything he could get his hands on....had a child with another woman while married to my mom....beat my older brother...pushed my mom around...lied and stole from my grandparents....and yet his family does not talk to us....we are the terrible people? I think not......my situation is a bit different than yours....but I agree with what you are saying....and how cool would that be to not have those akward parental meetings and etc....plus you have obviously turned out okay
I am a cycle breaker myself, the youngest of the family, and the first and last to see and learn from every possible mistake in life..... yet I still made mistakes of my own. I am not close to my family, but I still talk to them every now and then. I still love them. I just can't live with them. However, I still associate myself with them because I am strong enough to reject them in ways that I do not agree with. I've done it before. They hate me for it, but its the best for them and me. And they know it too, which makes them hate me even more. I could be a devil or a saint, depends on how people view me. It really doesn't matter. At the moment, I have everything that matters to me in life.
Ditto.
Sometimes you have to come to understand why he or she is not talking to their family members and not automatically assume that he or she is a bad seed just because they don't talk to their family.
I've never dated someone with no family. I wouldn't take that into consideration when deciding whether to date them or not, though. Maybe the fact that they aren't in touch with their family says something about them, maybe it doesn't.
i don't have a family. i'm trouble & troubled. i'm pretty sure guys will have a hard time dating me either because they'd refuse to accept my past which means i gotta find a guy that's willing to accept =/
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - you will find that someone.
I am the one in the relationship with no family, but my SO's family is pretty cool and I sorta just blend in with his family.
And I don't have a family not because I am troubled but because my family is having issues that I am not a part of. Divorce is a bitch and I am not about to pick sides so I bailed.
I have a few issues, but mainly I'm just very very different from my family. They have very strict religious ideas, and I don't agree with them. That makes me the rebel and the bad child.
i think it depends on the individual. coz i know my bro's gf is a bad ass seed.
I come from a quite dysfunctional family. Get along well with my dad and bro, but when it comes to my mom, her and I could start WWIII at any second. My bf accepts me no matter what, and it just so happens we visit his family more than mine, due to distance. I still love my family, but I cannot live under the same roof with them.
i'm with you on this one, girl. ;) big ups to you. best wishes!
My dad's side of the family is SO CRAZY and my mom's side of the family is dead.... therefore... I really have no family. I feel like guys often judge me on that. I am very family oriented, very much a family person.... but I guess it doesn't come off that way.
I am estranged from my mom and brother because of moral issues. My
brother cheated on his wife and daughter and fathered another child
with another woman but my mother covered up for him and asked me to
join in the big lie. I refused and thus we're not speaking anymore.
Sometimes people automatically it's the child's fault when they are
estranged with parents but in this case I believe my mother and brother
are the more immature ones.
Meh... having good/bad terms with family doesn't really bear much relevance to the person at hand. Eg: If the person is a moron, he/she will be a moron regardless of his/her terms with the family. However, I agree that being on bad terms with the family is no reason for someone to assume that the person is somehow responsible or in the wrong.
Yes, my current BF used to have the worst relations with his parents (no specifics, sufficed to say we ended up living together after a few months because of it... luckily through that hardship we still made it a few years and such).
It was difficult, not for me per say, but because it just made me mad and terrible saddened to have to watch my bf go through such pain, its the worst, i probably felt more depressed then him... it just is justified for a kid who turns out so good to be treated so poorly.
I guess he was a cycle-breaker from his crazy family... and it certainly made me appreciate what I had more.
I don't think that article means to imply you should avoid dating someone with family problems because they're a bad person, so much as the psychological impact it has on a someone to have estranged family.
I dated someone who's father was abusive when she was younger and her mother was basically a door mat/alcoholic, and she was depressed and very distant at times for seemingly no reason. It's hard to maintain a relationship with someone like that even though it's not necessarily their fault.
My rule for guys is that he has to be good to his mom. But after reading your post, you are absolutely right! Keep at it :)
"Dating me is actually easier. There are no tense family dinners, no
awful family holiday meltdowns, no relatives to impress. Just me,
deciding for myself what I want to become, and who I want to be with."
I totally agree with. I was with my SO's family last week for passover [I'm not Jewish, but eh, they're not that religious, they just eat and eat..] and the grandparents barely speak English, they speak Russian...which I don't. It was awkward, nerve-wrecking, and I had to ask my SO constantly what they said plus they kept trying to stuff food down my throat.