I was watching Oprah this morning, and on the episode, it was recommended that no one get married before the age of 30...and after hearing Steve Harvey speak, I must say, I agree. Your 20s are when you're still finding yourself; your 30s are when you've decided who you are and thus are ready to decide what you want in a person you intend to spend the rest of your life with. People are so in love with the idea of the wedding part of marriage that they get caught up in that glamour, but that is just a day! There's more to marriage than a wedding.
I am no expert on marriage, but I think that I have been in a long enough relationship to know that in a deep, close, intimate relationship, you somewhat lose yourself. You lose some of your individual definition because you begin to define yourself with each other...that's your "other half". The choices you make are often based on how your SO will feel or how your SO will react. It's not always with true consideration of what YOU want, because you cannot imagine what your answer would be minus him.
Each choice that you make as a result of your relationship is one less choice that you make for yourself as an individual, and in your 20s, it is time for growth...to find the you you dream to be, become the person you claim to be...a relationship stifles that growth because there is less thought about what YOU want and more thought about what "we," "she" or "he" wants.
This is why some relationships die by the time its members turn 30...you've finally grown into the person that you will be for the rest of your life pretty much; often times, so did your SO, and sometimes the changes in each are so different that you two are no longer what each wants. What you may expect from a relationship in your 20s may be little to what you need from a relationship in your 30s, and what your SO was able to do for you sufficed then, but doesn't now. You may need someone to simply talk to, make you laugh, take you out, tell you that you're beautiful, etc. when you're 20, but at 30, you may need someone who wants a family, who can not talk, who knows when not to laugh, can handle finances, has ambition, goals, a career, is established, is DEFINED.
Priorities, expectations, perceptions, needs, goals, likes/dislikes, life, all change and yes, it's great when you can grow with your SO into the people that you will be...but don't let fear of losing that person keep you from exploring who you want to be and who you might be without them. It is worse not to grow into your own person, but rather into the person you will be as a result of being with him or her.
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Meh, I think it totally depends on the person. I think I'm pretty much almost grown into the person I'm to become. Then again, I could be saying that out of naivety.
Then again, I've always wanted the same things in a person that I date in the person that I marry. I don't date just anyone, I'm pretty picky.
So I don't know. I think it really depends on a person's individual growth & maturity.
Solid grounds as it supports my philosophies and theories about young people who marry...yet it's not all true. When people are 20, heads are still in the clouds and nothing is really concrete except for what is the next day, I'll admit that. Hell, I'm only 22 and I still don't know what I want in a person.
However, by corollary, some people get as old as 30+ and still don't get their shit together. This is a case in which it's not up to statistics to deem what works and what don't, but the quality of the people itself. About statistics, unless it's 100% true, everything can be different from what we think the numbers say compared to the quality of what the people do. If you surveyed 100 people who have unsucessful marriages in their 20's, you'll get a loaded answer. You can't ethically judge that later marriages are successful based on statistics that declared those end in failure because of statistical answerer bias. What if those interviewed were those who marriages ended in failure? 100 interviewed had ended in failure for example, but in a world of 10,000,000,000, you're bound to find a disagreement or more than what a statistical survey reveals.
Sure, more people break up in earlier marriages than later marriages, but a marriage can still go to hell after 15 yrs + marriage from 30 while some young couples marry early and can pull it off. It's all up to the couple and their abilities to really commit and work together.
Don't fall sucker to statistics; just because some marriages end at 20 doesn't mean all do, nor does it mean that marriage at the age of 30+ mean that it's going to succeed; just means that you're expecting a few new things that come with age.
My husbands parents got married at 19. Still together 26 years later and are still very much in love. They're always hugging and kissing, etc.
I got married at 19, as well. I've only been married for almost 2 years and we're still doing fantastic. A lot of people call this "the honeymoon stage", so I guess that means people won't take it seriously til after another year or so.
You don't have to be 30+ in order to have grown into your own person and be mature enough in order to make a commitment to marriage.
I think it all depends, but in my personal case, I would have to agree with this. i'd rather get my shxt together first then rush into things. Who's to say when that'll happen or how soon that will happen? The 30s seem like a pretty good age.Â
I think it depends on the person. Some people crave for routine and thus will find their One by the time they're in their low 20's. Some people take forever to find their One and Only.
Although if you're going to be married for the rest of your life, marrying later doesn't make much of a difference except that you spend the wedding money later on in life.
I completely agree, though I like to imagine I'll probably be married somewhere closer to 25/26.
I recently broke up with a guy I was deeply in love with because I KNEW we would change into different people if he didn't get his life on track. He's 22 and has JUST started college, he can't save money to save his life, he's very immature and obsessed with sex.
I'm not ready, at 18, to commit myself to someone, much less someone that's not ready to grow up. He and I may work out one day; i still love him very, very much. I still believe he and I need to work on ourselves individually before that can happen, though.
THAT'S RIGHT.
you see all those people who party after they're fucking 25? cuhs they didn't get that
SINGLE LIFE STATUS!!!! and finding themselves..that whole individualism thing.
but fuck, i'm officially taken as of yesterday .ah
Depends on the person. For me I feel I've found the one. I think we have pretty unusual circumstances though. We were friends for 4 years before actually dating. We're the best of friends; confide in each other, support and inspire one another, and have great chemistry. It's a relationship beyond any I've ever seen in my experience. Love it.
I feel like I've found myself, but sometimes when things in life test that "me" I get not so confident. I know no matter what my bf will accept me when/if I do find myself, if I haven't already. Age makes no difference, but I would say at least to be 20 to figure this stuff out.
Absolutely not. There is no hard and fast rule, as several others have pointed out. Some people won't be ready even when they're 40, whereas others are ready at 22. (I'm engaged to be married and will be 24 for the actual ceremony.) It's all about the individual people involved. Do they know themselves and each other well enough, or will they still be developing and finding themselves?
Although, honestly, taking until 30 to do all that strikes me as a little bit ridiculous. Sure, maybe until 25 or 26, and I have no problem with people who choose to wait longer, but I feel like if you don't already know who you are and what you want by 27 or 28 then you are seriously lost and it's not just the passage of 2 more years that will fix everything. You have to make some kind of effort to figure out your life.
Also, I want to point out that anyone giving birth after age 35 has significantly higher risk of Down's Syndrome or other potential complications. So if you wait until your 30s you don't leave yourself a lot of time for kids.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - well said. I am on the same page as you.
Age is nothing but a number, really. I think as a society, we tend to categorize people according to their age, which really isn't reliable. Hence, people always seem to stay away from the questions, "How old are you?" Each of us are our own individual with our own experiences in life that creates whomever it is that we are. When we experience certain things are not always at the same time and age.
I'm only 22, my husband is 25, and we have a marriage of I guess what you would call "30-year-olds." I've had my share of fantasies, love stories, and fairy tales. And you're right, when it comes down to a long lasting marriage, that is all that matters, "but at 30, you may need someone who wants a family, who can not talk, who knows when not to laugh, can handle finances, has ambition, goals, a career, is established, is DEFINED". Not yet do I have a career, but I have a pretty good idea what my career is going to be -- because I know myself and my boundaries.
So yes, maybe you should wait until you're 30, but I think more importantly, is the question, "How well do you know yourself? Sure of yourself?" And even in your 30s on out, things could always change. Change is always happening. Nothing is written in stone. If I die as my husband's wife, and he as my husband, than we were forever. Otherwise.... no.
@eternal_relevance@xanga - seconded and add more on...
we all mature at different rates, some people wants to have a family at early age compared to others, financial, ideals, and many other factors. if a couple meets those conditions, regardless of their age.
I agree with chameleon121's idea of 20's about finding yourself, up to 25s you're usually stuck in college/university and the rest of 5 years are in society. perhaps by 30s you've experienced enough to understand who you are and what you want in this life. but i've met some who are in 30s and still lost who they are and what they want
So if you met the love of your life in 20s and get married? great! just up to how well the can cope with another and able to understand each other that they are still understanding themselves as well as the SO. if it works out well, both will start to grow into another and become lot closer than those who are married in 30s because they met and "grew up" together in their 20s.
unfortunately, this doesn't work most cases because we see increasing divorce rates among young ages these days.
@EagleEyeDG@xanga - actually down syndrome starts at 30 for females and males don't really contribute to it besides their impotency starts around 35s. though. but as a human who "should" have higher understanding on what marriage stands in our life in addition to continuing the lineage. they should also understand late marriage and having kids may have risk of such.
so as we all say all the time, we're all have our own pace and interpretation of life. for some this is right for some it isn't.
Very nicely said.
a poll of divorce lawyers done not too long ago felt that no one should marry before they were 25. and many of their resons were the same given in some of the comments here.
it really depends on the people. the divorce rate really has not changed much over the years and stays about 50% give or take some here and there.
age to me is not a factor as much as it is the people themselves.
It definitely depends on the couple. Some people "find themselves" sooner than others. Some people later. I've dated men in their thirties that didn't have their stuff together. But my 27 year old boyfriend has got his life together very well. And though I am younger yet, I feel that life experiences of mine have enabled me to "find myself" at a younger age than most.
I completely agree!
i like your post :) but it does depend on the person. some people mature faster than others and know right away what they want others are unsure and indecisive and mature later on.
Nicely said!!! My dad said not to do it before 27... and if I wait there is a HANDSOME reward too lol!!!
Hmm, I see what you mean. I remember when I was in jr. high reading the Baby-Sitter's Club (lol) and reading that Logan and Mary-Anne had broken up because Mary-Anne felt as if she wasn't an individual anymore and all her decisions and everything felt as if it was LoganMary-Anne or Mary-AnneLogan while she just wanted to be Mary-Anne.
I had no idea what she meant, but now after dating my boyfriend for almost three years, I do understand. People ask me "don't you get bored of his face?" aha, but I feel like it's different for everybody. Some people can't take seeing their SO everyday while others have to. And I think my boyfriend and I ... our relationship tends to have less drama/fights when we're together more ... aha
So for the marriage issue, it would have to depend on the person. Yes, being in a relationship definitely causes you to mature and make decisions not only for yourself, but for your SO, but if you love him/her, then I think that should be no problem.
That makes sense. Â Some people figure out who they are sooner though. Â It's the pressure to be with someone that makes being single tough. Â I do agree that we have to take the time to figure out who were are before we take the time to be with someone else. Â Relationships involve sacrifice and a little of a negligence of self for it to really work. That's good stuff.Â
I'm fed up of someone seeing something on Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or Maury or any of those other shows and taking one, or two cases, or an oft-ill-prepared statistical survey to tell "everyone else" how they should, or shouldn't live their lives. What gives them the right, above anyone else, to tell us how we should live our lives?
Everyone is an individual: they have different experiences, different educations, different mindsets. Trying to pigeon-hole individuals into common boxes just doesn't work. Never has, never will.
I am turning 24 later this year. Do I know everything? Not by a long chalk. Does this mean that I'm still "finding myself"? Probably, but come back to me in 20years time when I'm about to turn 44 and I'll probably say the same thing. The beauty of life is that it is unpredictable and we can make all the plans that we want but ultimately they can be for naught.
I will be marrying my fiancee, who will be 22 by that time. We are looking forward to growing together, finding ourselves together and always being there for each other. Just because some couples who marry in their twenties or younger are unable to make a success of their marriage does not mean that every other couple who marry in their 20s will also fail.
/rant
@EagleEyeDG@xanga - hear, hear!
@eternal_relevance@xanga - Absolutely right. It's more of this "30 is the new 20" bullcrap.
It's more excuse-making for a generation that have grown up having their a** constantly kissed and always being passed at everything - they can't fail, so now when their marriages fail the excuses start...
well i got married right after i turned 21.. and i guess i will see how it turnes out