Monday, 13 April 2009
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I Don't Want Kids; My Boyfriend Does
I've never really wanted kids. I've always been more interested in pursuing a career, traveling, and essentially living without something tying me down. Of course, on the more responsible side, I don't feel like I'll be mature enough to have kids or that I'll be a decent parent. Essentially, there are many reasons that I don't want to have kids in the future.The guy I've been dating for three years DOES want kids. Badly. For all the right and wrong reasons, just as I don't want kids for all the right and wrong reasons.
The problem is we've been planning on getting engaged at the end of the year, but I'd say this is a pretty big issue. I don't want to end the relationship, but I don't know what we can do to overcome this gridlock. I'm stuck and terrified of moving in either direction of the spectrum of decisions I have.
What do you think I should do?
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Comments (89)
Yeesh, hard situation. Give it some time for the both of you - maybe one of you will change your mind.
you guys should talk for sure and lay out all of your "wrong and right" reasons and just see how it balances out. if you still find yourself on opposite sides of the fence depending on how passionate you both are about your stances you might just not be cut out for eachother
why won't you want to make a baby? it's what we're born to do..to recreate..reproduce...
don't you want to have created something special with him?
the seed of your love?
you wanna live and die with nothing left to life?
if you're only thinking about yourself then you're selfish, but it's okay. what if your parents felt the same way about you tying them down? you wouldn't have been born to even get marry to this guy. i'm sure you'll change your mind soon enough :]
When you two do get married wait about two or three years before you have children. Get comfortable in the married and life and if BOTH of you are ready, then make the leap to have children.
You two can talk, and you two can meet in the middle. You can come up with an idea of how you can either have a kid, or how you can both be equally happy without having a child. If you two can't make a decision together, that makes both of you happy, the relationship probably won't work. Kids are important to many people, your boyfriend seems to be one of those people.
You just really need to talk to him about it and get his input.
Chances are if you two get married, once you're more settled you'll be open to the idea.
If you are not in the position of your life to have kids, you should take your time until you do. You need to make it clear to your boyfriend and hold off the engagement until you both can come to a comfortable compromise.
sometimes sweetheart, there are things in life that are deal breakers. This is one.
it is time to lay the cards on the table and be honest. there are two things that can put tremendous stress on a marriage-money and children...or the lack of.you are only stuck because of fear. fear of what? being alone? that puts a pretty big burden on the other person you know.pony up to the table before this 'engagement' happens and you get deeper and deeper in. you may find a compromise and you may not, but you need to do that before there is a ring on your finger. you owe him that.good luck.It depends on your age.
If you're 21, you might not want kids...now. So, you could stay with him and when the urge suddenly strikes out of the blue at 26, you'll have everything in place.
If you're 28 and the biological clock isn't ticking, well maybe it never will and you should let him go if you never want to be a mom.
Either way, you need to tell him you don't want kids at this point in your life.
My friends Justin and his wife Shelly are currently getting divorced after three years of marriage, and five of dating prior to that because Justin wants kids and Shelly doesn't.
It's an issue you MUST figure out before marrying because it can end things later.
It's crazy important that you guys talk this over before getting engaged. This is the kind of decision that could potentially ruin a marriage. In my honest opinion, either the two of you have to come to a compromise or else break things off. You don't want to live with him resenting you for not having kids--or with YOU resenting HIM for the opposite reason.
See a counselor, pray, but very importantly--talk to him. Be understanding a patient with each other. I think you'll figure it out!
Give the issue time. Perhaps pray about it, and then stop talking about the issue altogether for a few months (after you both marry :) ) and then see where you stand.
Maybe your views will change. Or his. But babies are cute :) hehe good luck ^^
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - Seriously, I think you need to back off. If she doesn't want kids, then it's probably best for her not to have them as she seems to have little interest in being a parent. That seems responsible, rather than just fucking and having a kid because we're biologically capable of doing so. If you think reproducing is all there is to life, then I feel sorry for whoever pops out of your, er, yeah.
And to the poster, thank you for being independent. People should be happy with themselves and their decisions.
I have heard tons of stories where people regret not having children. I've yet to hear one where someone says he/she regrets having children.
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - Judgmental much? Some people don't want children for reasons that may not make sense to you. That is no reason to call them selfish dear.
IT'S A BIG ISSUE; BIG ENOUGH TO CAUSE A MAN TO CHEAT...
well, if you loved him enough, i think you should at least give him one child, perhaps let him know when if you don't plan to have one within the next three years.. but make sure you keep your word on it, and not change your mind; when a girl changes her mind, the guy may start looking for alternatives..
how old are you again?
How old are you? If you're young, your feelings about it might change with time. If you're older, I dunno what to tell you. This might be a dealbreaker.
Either way, don't get engaged until you've settled this issue.Â
Give it time. I feel the same way and a little part of me says I'll get used to the idea eventually. I just don't want to get rushed into it. I honestly don't want kids right now (I'm 22) and my bf does eventually. I still want to marry him no matter what though.
Okay, first, I hate when people judge others for stupid reasons. So ignore anybody who says you're being selfish. It's actually quite the opposite. You aren't ready for kids, you know your life may be less than conducive to raising a child...yeah, I'd say that's pretty responsible. Anyway, okay, rant over.
As for your problem here...you have to sit down with him. Talk. Either one of you is willing to bend, or neither of you are. And this isn't an issue you can compromise on. Either you have a baby or you don't, there's no halfway. So see who feels the most strongly. Will he be willing to give up children if it means keeping you? Will you be willing to have children if it means keeping him? And will either of you resent your decision later on in the relationship? Because whoever gives in absolutelycannot hold it over the other person. It cannot be brought up in fights, it cannot be allowed to fester. It has to be accepted and let be. And if either of you thinks you're not strong enough to do that...well, then it might be best to part ways now, rather than after you're married and have those bitter feelings.
My heart does go out to you both. This is tough. But either one of you bends, or the relationship ends. And that's what it comes down to.:(
Good luck with whatever happens. Keep us posted?
-Katie
I don't find any fault with you as long as you don't put compulsion on him for marriage if he DOES want kids.
he should find some one who can have kids with him, still you can be a friend or whatever to him.
okay, he can adopt a kid and it can only call him daddy. it can't call you mommy. you can go have your career and he can be a househusband. how is that for a compromise =)
It could be for personal reasons.
I myself don't want kids. I pray I end up with a guy who doesn't either.
I'm 26 and while I like other people's children, I never want to have my own.
You should talk to him. It might lead to tears and such, but better than living through more heartache later on.
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - It's not wrong not to want to have kids.
While I don't want to physically carry a child in my womb for 9 months, I have thought about donating my eggs to help someone who really wants children but can't have them.
Certainly don't get married when you both have very different goals and dreams for life. It will end in disaster.
Give it time and see if one of you changes your mind, first.
You have a very serious problem in your relationship. If you don't want kids, don't have any! He's got absolutely no right to make you do something you don't want to do. And don't misconstrue sacrifice for submission. If it's something you think would be great for the both of you in the long run, you are making a sacrifice. However, if you don't hink it is, but doing it anyway only because he wants to, it's submission. Besides, he doesn't seem to have all the right reasons (as you said he's got some wrong ones) to have a kid, and if you don't feel secure in raising one anyway, what good will it do?
I won't lie to you, your relationship may end or there's going to be a significant impact because of this issue. If your relationship is that strong; it's gonna weather this, but I wouldn't count on it too much if he's really kid happy.
This is an issue that will definitely have repercussions in the future if you guys don't figure this out. If you cave, would you really be happy with kids? And, if he caves, would he end up resenting you when 10-15 years down the road he is childless?
In my opinion, this issue is a huge issue. I hate that you guys have dated so long and not resolved it. If you are both adamant about your decisions, (and this is NOT an issue that you should just give into the other on), then you guys are going to have a very, very tough road ahead of you. I don't want to be all "gloom and doom," but this is something you guys should have figured out at the beginning, not at engagement time. If he truly has a desire for children, then more than likely, that desire will never change, no matter what he tells you.