Sunday, 12 April 2009
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F*** Buddies: The Issue of Pride
There really is nothing new under the sun, so they say! But I say that there is something new about the way that some women find it so easy to label themselves as f**k buddies. I understand that people are not as reserved and private as they used to be, but that does not change the fact that women should demand and expect to be respected. Just because you are not in love with a sex partner does not mean that you don't deserve to be respected. Your feelings and desires are still valid...when you diminish the value of your body, you set yourself up to be disrespected. You certainly can't expect for someone to treat your body and heart, any better than you treat it yourself. When I was in my twenties, women who slept with a guy just to be sleeping with him were called sluts, tramps and whores. Then a new phrase came on the scene - it was known as a "booty call"! And now we have f*** buddy. Same definition for each, same story, different category!
I didn't agree with the biased treatment of women then and I don't agree with this now, but it was and is a reality. I felt that the guys should have been labeled accordingly! But guys or men have never been labeled accordingly. Women have always been held to a higher standard.
What I really want to say is that it is so easy to shortchange yourself when you give of yourself expecting nothing in return. Listen to how this sounds: "I'm a f'buddy!" When a family member or a close friend asks about the nature of a friendship of yours, who comfortably answers by stating,"oh, we are just f'buddies"? If your mother asks whether or not someone is a new boyfriend, who answers by saying, "no he isn't, we're just f'buddies"? The reason we don't identify ourselves openly is because, in our hearts and in our minds, we don't feel good about being identified as a f'buddy. We feel less than adequate.
How many f'buddies are talking about being in love, about missing their f'buddy and about heartaches associated with their relationship and the f'buddy? If you are a bona fide f'buddy, then what's love got to do with it? Why is your heart involved in all of this anyway? It's involved in all of this because you are a woman first and women, by nature, desire love and affection. We want to be wanted and we want to be held and kissed. Our hearts and bodies long for more than a f'buddy is willing to give. Who wouldn't want to just crawl under a car if they approached a group of people on the street who recognized them as a f'buddy! Whether you admit it or not, it's a gut wrenching feeling.
Don't let anybody treat you as if you were less than a woman or less than a valuable person. If someone acts as if he/she can take you or leave you, then let them go right then and there! If you begin your role as a f'buddy, you'll end your role as a f'buddy. There is no room for advancement, no chance of an upgrade and an increased risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Your f'buddy won't see you as ever being worthy of his affection or of his attention. This is because he got you without exerting any effort; there was no criteria, the bar was too low. You came to him with no strings attached, advertising yourself as free fruit, his for the asking.
Maybe there are a few women who don't have a problem with their role as a f'buddy. So for those, let me put it to you another way. If your daughter or son asked you about the nature of a relationship that they have noticed between you and another, would you tell them that you are just f'buddies?
You don't volunteer to be a f'buddy, you are demoted into that role. Unfortunately sometimes the demotion is instant, even before a word comes out of your mouth. Your body language can preceed you...
And for the record, a f'buddy is totally different from a prostitute, because at least a prostitute charges for the degradation of her body. F'buddies reap no benefits, other than having sex, cheap thrills. Even a relationship that lacks love, should always demonstrate a mutual respect between the parties involved.
Are you (or have you been) a proud f'buddy? If you are, what makes you so proud?
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- From: denisethornton@xanga
- Name: Denise
- About Me: I'm a wife, mother and grandmother. I love to write. I love walking on the lake front. My favorite book is the bible. I love life.
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Comments (49)
God , never ever ever in my right mind or wrong mind would I even do that or accept it. I find it the idea disturbing. I have to be emotionally involved with someone and in a commited relationship before even thinking about getting physical.
Totally agree with you on this... I am not fond of people I care about being a f'buddy to others. I highly DO find it disrespectful when people don't love their bodies and throw themselves around carelessly. Makes me upset to know that people do it but if I can't make then see what I see then I'll let them be till they get hurt and come back asking for support. Then I'll rub it in and tell them "TOLD YA SO!!!"
That whole thing isn't my cup of tea. I wouldn't have sex with someone unless I was in love with them to begin with. I don't even like the term.
Actually, I would never consider to be an f'buddy because 1) I think that's just disgusting and 2) I'm waiting until marriage, so really, I have nothing to do with this term or topic.
people that brag about having f-buddies are full of themselves. it is a personal choice/lifestyle or whatever they want to call it. if they start to feel disrespected or unsatisfied, then the person should have the common sense to break away from the situation or else they are setting themselves up for whatever f-buddies consist of. I've never had an f-buddy and don't think I will but if it were to happen, it wouldn't be anybody's business, including my own family or even if I'm dating in a serious commited relationship, I don't go into details, I just say yeah I'm dating somebody and they don't ask much and listen to whatever I feel comfortable telling.
I've been the f'buddy. I'm not ashamed of it, cause it was one time with one guy. Well one time I was the f'buddy, we were "together" in that sense for like a year.
The difference in my story is that this guy was my best friend, my rock, my love. We had dated before and knew it really didn't work.. we were natural born flirts. So we tried this, emotions ran high, and I got hurt.
I knew what I was getting into when we started it. And I knew when I got hurt. Yes, it still hurt, but I don't regret those times because they were some of the best in my life. We laughed and played around. The sex was great, and we both learned a lot. But it was about more than sex, it was about the fact that I could call him up at two in the morning, and regardless of whether or not I wanted sex he would come over, and whether or not we did it was up to me. So "booty call" wasn't really in our vocabulary. Generally, we planned our "dates" because our f'relationship was very secret. Not because either of us had a significant other, but because this kind of thing was not accepted in society lol.
Anyways, that was my story, I got a little carried away.
:P
I do agree that giving up your body carelessly is dumb, but I did want to pose that there are different cases alwaysss.
BUCK FUDDY!
No.
I've done it, and I know that it's never that simple. Every guy that I've slept with, whether as friends or more than, I have cared about tremendously. Sometimes, it was a desperate attempt to get them to care about me too. I was using sex to get to love. There are always emotional consequences.
Fuck buddy? fuck that.
I was an unproud f'buddy.
Was a total mistake to actually be one too.
Turned out she liked me, and I actually had to tell her that things are done.
So yeah... f'buddies are no-no's when there are feelings in either side of the "relationship".
No pride, actually. I didn't have pride at all - I truly hated myself and my life, at the time, and felt as though I was using him and being used - to forget life. We both hated our respective lives and found release in the other. And I still carry the scars from it... I can't do it again, it's too painful. Relationships mean too much to me, and I see how much I am still aching over it... it's not worth it. I am no longer depressed and my view of self worth is improving... but it's been a long road.
@mikeylohsu@xanga - You horny asshole. Let it be a lesson to you that if anyone ever consents, feelings will always be involved. You want no feelings? Get a hooker.
If you have a guy friend and you two honestly just want to have sex, no strings attached, I say go for it. But I think we know thats not usually how it works...somebody WILL get attached and get hurt and it just usually doesn't work out. But I see nothing wrong with casual sex...I mean, I myself don't do it, but if another girl genuinely enjoys sex and stuff, why should that be any worse than a guy who enjoys casual sex?
It's 2009, get over your old traditional thinking of girls having to be pure and boys being able to do whatever they choose.Well, I've been there. Can't say it was my proudest moment, but then again, it's nothing I'm ashamed of.
Somehow, in this whole issue, it's only the women's involvement that people give a damn about. The thought of a woman casually having sex with others will provoke a lot more reaction than a man who sleeps around.
We live, we learn. Would I do it again? Well, aside from the fact that I have a SO and it's out of the question, I don't honestly know if I would do it again. In my situation, it was the opposite of what "normally" happens. We agreed it was to be no strings attached, and he got attached. Badly. I think it would take a lot of consideration if I was ever in that situation again, to decide whether or not to go there.
why does this have to be posted twice (at least that i know of) across the xanga subsites? didn't you get enough feedback the first time??
@justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga - here here
I've been in one of those situations too. It was with the ex I lost my virginity too. We knew that we didn't work out with being in a committed relationship but still liked the sex. I had more feelings for him as a friend than boyfriend most of the time anyway.
As with the casual sex thing, I try to keep in contact with all the guys I have been with in that way. I find that all of them have something interesting about them. The fact that you've had sex with a person doesn't mean that I have to act weird around them. I am more attracted to a person that I can have a conversation with about who they are instead of one that consists of "do you wanna hook up?"
I was one, but I ended up getting hurt, and don't do that stuff anymore.
Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion on things, but one can't assume that they know how everyone feels in every situation. From this entry it makes it sound like us women are always the weak and needy, that we "need to be held," that we "need" this and stuff. Whatever. I've had a lot of bad relationships in my life and sometimes I don't want to deal with that shit. Relationshit. That doesn't mean that I don't have physical needs and desires that I may want to act out with somebody. And if I find another person, an able and willing adult who is ALSO into doing it with me, then I think that is just super. So coined the current term, fuck buddy. Have I had them, hell yes. Do I regret it, no! Do I retain feelings for these people, nope-- Do some people?? Yes they do, and so those people are the ones that know that having a "fuck buddy" or sexual partner is not their thing. People can call me a slut or a whore or whatever, but in my perspective, I'm an adult getting what I desire, and nobody else is getting hurt. I'm certainly not, and don't anybody assume that just because I'm a "woman". And you say am I proud, would I tell my children, my mother?? Hell nah, but I don't discuss my sex life with them anyways, because it's none of their business, it's personal.
I agree that at least with prostitutes, they charge you for it. I think tht shows even the slightest hint of still having some pride in them. F'buddies really don't have any pride.
There really isn't anything wrong with having a fuck buddy. I think that as long as it safe sex with two consenting individuals, what's the issue? Who said you have to swallow your pride to have sex with someone you aren't in a typical romantic relationship with?
I'm sure that there have been issues of fuck buddies LONG ago. People are just now open when it comes to their sexual lives and admitting to it. They were probably called "casual relationships", "affairs", etc before.
I will admit that "casual relationships" aren't for everyone. If they aren't for you, that doesn't mean go around bashing on those that are ok with the idea.
I'm surrounded by sluts and whores all the time. I also call them my friends. They are lovely people. Who cares who someone sleeps with anyways, it's their business. I don't ever recall feeling particularly "proud" about having sex in a relationship as opposed to just sleeping around.
Now a days having a fuck buddy is that assurance that there is always going to be someone there to satisfy your sexual pleasures....
I know at least the girls Im friends with its a security...like a fall back. Just in case kind of thing.
Whenever they are horny it is a reliable safe source. Safe, as far as the girl knows. The other person could not be having safe sex with other people but the usual thought process is:
Oh ive had sex with him before and he is willing to do it again. At least I know him and I know he is here and willing.
I am not saying at all that agree with this practice because it no longer preserves the sanctitiy in sex and it makes sex almost disgusting...And not only does it degrade and disrespect but you are objectifying people into things that are just there to give u sexual pleasure. There is no true love or passion or caring for the other person.
I would never ever choose to do this. Its just degrading and knowing myself I would get attached. sex is a very big deal for me.
i never liked the idea...i was on the recieving end once and was stupid enough to believe that he actually had feelings for me. He was just using me so I vowed never to let someone disrespect me like that again.
i've done it, and i too got hurt. i fell too hard and it just all turned out to be a mess. we were best friends for five years and we don't even talk anymore.
worst mistake of my life.