Sunday, 12 April 2009
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Scars from My Dating Past Have Made Me Stronger
She'd met a guy. At first, she was reluctant to accept his request for a date - she is a skeptic by nature. He won her over with his immense charm and sweet talking. From the first date, he had her wrapped around his finger. She continued dating him until she felt that she loved him and wanted to be with him forever. After a while, he proposed to her. The entire relationship seemed beautiful and the thought of the future together was exhilarating. A short time after he proposed, things started to become different. He started being extremely harsh in the things he would say. He would scream at her for the smallest things, even when she felt she had done nothing wrong. It began with verbal abuse and progressed. She wondered what had happened to the man she loved. It was apparent to those around her what was happening. Many tried to help. She tried leaving, but every time she tried, it seemed impossible, and he would pull her back in. He was manipulative and hurtful. He did everything he could to break her entire spirit down and make her feel worthless.
There are a few things that infuriate me to no end. One of those things is victims of abuse. Abuse is not only defined as psychological, but also emotional and mental. This is an issue that many do not understand unless you have been directly involved in an abusive situation. Many ask, "If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?" Then there are those that say, "I would never allow this to happen to me."
The first important thing to understand is that emotional abuse is always present, no matter the type of abuse. The second important thing to understand is why women stay in abusive relationships varies from woman to woman.
This is a topic that I am all too familiar with; the above story is mine. Many times I ask myself, how could I be not be smart enough to recognize the signs before I allowed the situation to get that bad? Did I really allow myself to be that vulnerable to subject myself to such pain?
I find it impossible to find the words to explain why I stayed for so long. I find it equally impossible to explain how I ever allowed it to happen in the first place. The only thing I am certain of is I was able escape even though it was difficult. I now have scars from the past, but I am now a much stronger woman.
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About the Author
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- From: NoPenniesHere@xanga
- Name: Lissa
- About Me: Live everyday to it's fullest because life is beautiful, even broken moments.
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Comments (34)
That's good that you feel like it has made you stronger. I always like to think that experiences always make us wiser if we let them.
Didn't you ask him, why he is doing like that ? its nice you became stronger , apply some scar removal creams time to time( not being sarcastic ) you should do well. good luck
story of my life.
Those are questions that I also ask myself when I think back to a relationship I was in two years ago. He was very nice & charming in the beginning but as things became more serious, the verbal & emotional abuse started. And I just let it happen. I was unhappy, everyone else knew I was unhappy yet I couldn't break away from him. He'd say something or do something and I'd come running back and think that nothing was wrong in our relationship. I'm thankful that he is the one who finally ended things and I feel like I've learned a lot & grown a lot from it.
:) experience is the best yet.Â
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also think all the crap I've been through has made me stronger.
@fiery_redhead - when its between two people only those two knows what exactly happened between them, I often find posts completely one ended and picturing the other inhuman. I really do appreciate people who admit the personal development from the existed relation.
I guess relationships are not a trophy which can be gained by others influence , I guess its one on one interpersonal understanding and agreement. I liked your comment to most extent.
I went through the same thing as did my sister, although my sister married him and had kids with him, and dealt with the abuse for like 3 years and it was physical to both of us. I was with my ex for 3 years on and off. Now that I have gone through it I know what to actually look for in the tendencies, and it does make me scared but I am now recently engaged..you learn from everything in life.
I'm glad you got out & stronger than before. Though I have never experienced this, the above are true. They want to break free, but they can't. I only hope that this will come to an end someday.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a little over a year ago. I still haven't moved past it. I've found that I cannot have a real relationship anymore. I can't get emotionally attached, I can't make myself go out with someone more than once or twice. Random hookups are easier than sex with guys I like, because they don't create any more attachment. Having sex with someone I like would make me vulnerable. I don't trust anyone, because I'm scared that as soon as I do, they'll do to me what he did.
Definitely.
I bear these scars proudly, actually...Yeah, I've been hurt too many times, but I think of them as my lessons.
"The first important thing to understand is that emotional abuse is always present, no matter the type of abuse.The second important thing to understand is why women stay in abusive relationships varies from woman to woman."
This is similar to what happened to me...I didn't realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I got out of it. I was somehow awakened with one sentence he uttered and then I saw the whole picture and it shocked me. I knew I had to get out before it got worse...it was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I really loved him and knew he loved me but it got too much for me to handle. It's a huge scar I'm carrying as well but I know it will make me much stronger and I know what to look out for next time. I think emotional abuse is very hard to spot sometimes, even extremely smart woman don't realize anything because they are blinded by love.
I'm glad you are doing better now
Glad to know you got out alive and stronger.
Something smiliar like this happened to me once before :/.
i wanted to tear up reading your story, as it was also mine.
I wanted to get out of my past relationship when it started but I let it progressed and I stay because I was emotional dependent on him. I felt like I couldn't find anyone else better than him and I was afraid to be alone. I'm just glad I'm out of the pit hole and so are you. :)
i know what you mean, people always ask why you don't get out. i was afraid to. because he made me feel like id be alone forever and id be nothing without him. and everytime i tried he always brought me back in somehow and id fall for it. i think because i wished that he would be like he was in the beginning, so everytime he acted nice id believe he was that person once again.
I am definitely a much stronger person because of my dating past. I can call them assholes, but I also have to thank them for my strong personality now.
@missedout_onlife@xanga - My situation was real similar to yours. I didn't realize that there was anything wrong with us I just thought it was all me, being depressed or whatever. And then it just kind of all snapped together and I got the big picture all at once, my family & friends had all been trying to tell me what was going on but I didn't see it until then.
I loved him too, and I think he at least started out loving me, but in the end it was all a control thing for him. He just liked feeling powerful and he used me to do it.
I've noticed that I seem to let my partner take the lead in our relationships, and that's something I'm still working on, but he helped me see what I was doing and it definitely made me stronger in the end.
I hope we can all learn to avoid these situations, but I really believe in the adage "Love is Blind" it was definitely true for me.
@no3y101@xanga - OMG every word you said = what I went through. Exact exact same thing it's scary. He always found a way to make me stay to make me forgive him to make him love him more. I also felt as if I would be nothing without him, that I would never find anyone else...but once I saw how it was destroying me on the inside, I knew I had to get out, I knew it was better for me to be alone than being hurt and unhappy. I knew he would never be able to change and I knew that I wanted something more from the person I love so I got out of it. I'm glad you realized it too.
@spaysi@xanga - you're right...I felt like I was the problem also but turned out that it was him. It took me a long time to figure it all out. My friends and family also told me I could do better but I never listened because I loved him. I never thought I would be strong enough to leave and be on my own but I think it's the best decision I've made because he was destroying me on the inside.
Once I finished it, I saw how BLINDED I was and just like you, I now really believe that love makes you blind haha
@jeezshoua@xanga - emotional dependancy is the worst...it seems you also went through what I did. I stayed because I knew I loved him and thought I couldn't do better, that I'd be a nobody without him, that he was everything I would ever need. I was also scared to be alone but I think at the end I knew it was better to be alone than being hurt and unhappy. I can't believe how many of us went through the same thing..
yeah...
Your story is almost identical to mine. My ex began to be emotionally and verbally abusive. I understand now that it stemmed from his insecurity. Men do this to cut down on our confidence so we won't leave them. That was the reason why we didn't or couldn't leave. It literally took me 6 months to finally break up with him because I didn't have the heart to do it, despite being constantly bombarded with insults until tears poured down my cheeks. I KNEW that all it'll take is for him to say something insensitive and mean-spirited for me to build up the courage to leave.
me too.
I'm glad that you're not in that relationship anymore and didn't marry him.
it's hard to believe when a guy can say almost anything he doesn't really mean to lure a girl and the girl would almost always fall for it. that didn't actually happen to me but i'd seen it around.
i was once asked, if my future husband force me to give him a blowjob would i do it? and i said, i wouldn't marry him in the first place if i didn't know him like that. and he said, what if you didn't know him like that? and stupidly i said, i wouldn't marry him if i wasn't sure i know him. and he said something like he can hide his true self. after a while i realized that a guy or maybe any guy can be like that (win you with his charms then starts showing his true colors) and i wondered how will i be smart enough to resist that dazzling facade of his ? especially since i'm that type of girl who easily falls for guys who are just cute. call me shallow but not a lot of guys (hot guys to be exact) talks to me. and i know that most girls would want to be lust over by guys. and i can't stand the fact that I'm one of those girls.