Miss OstrichI'm what's referred to as a "twice-a-year Catholic," meaning I only go to church for Christmas and Easter. I mean absolutely no disrespect with that phrase; I was raised Catholic and still consider myself such. I'm just not actively participating. My dad, however, goes to church every week, and when I'm home, he expects me to do the same, but we've since compromised on the two major holidays.
So, it's that time of year when I make my first voyage back into church. As I made plans with my dad over the phone this morning, he asked if I would be bringing my boyfriend. I said no, he's not religious. After a minute of silence, my dad said:
"If he doesn't go to church with us, he can't come to Easter dinner."
That didn't bother me; Easter dinner was going to be small and short, but I had to ask my dad why. His response was not what I expected to hear.
"I won't have a dirty atheist sitting at my dinner table on a holy day."
My boyfriend is not an atheist. He's more apathetic to religion, if anything, since he wasn't raised on any religious belief system, but he's never denounced the existence of God. I tried to defend him, but my dad would not hear of it. His word is final in our family. If he told me I had to stop seeing him because of our difference in religion, however, I wouldn't let that stand. Not getting invited to a fairly insignificant dinner is fine. Breaking up our relationship over something I'm not concerned about won't fly
None of my friends come from religious enough families for this to happen to them, which leads me to believe that maybe religion plays a smaller part than ever for dating.
Does your family put an emphasis on dating within your religion? Have you ever dated into a family like that while you are not religious or observe a different faith?
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Comments (69)
Wow, that's very hurtful to hear!
I'm an atheist (my mom was raised protestant, but considers herself an atheist) and probably went to church 2 times in my entire life because I had to
and not being invited to a supper because of that would definitely hurt me - I'm a very nice and moral person and can't imagine someone not liking me simply because I don't have a religion
Someone saying "Don't invite that person over because he's an atheist" is the exact same as saying " Don't invite that person over because he's black"
I think you have a good attitude though - a good balance between your family and dating!
Good luck :)
I dated a girl once that was Catholic and while she never insisted that I convert and was very tolerant of my non-religious ways, I feel as though that contributed to our eventual breakup in a minor way. It's hard not to be able to share something as significant as religion with an SO, especially since it colors people's views in a not so subtle way (depending on level of belief).
After that, I lived in the South where religion plays a big role and found myself trying to go to church and fit in with the locals. But as much as I tried, I just couldn't reconcile myself with a faith that I didn't truly believe in. I think in the future when I find someone, they'll probably have to be non-religious like me. I suppose I could be with someone who is religious, too, but I wonder if that would always be something of a hot topic. You know, kind of like a scab you keep on picking
My immediate family isn't this way, so I can't really say how I've dealt with a situation like this. I admire your stance on your relationship, though. If his religious affiliation, or lack thereof, doesn't bother you, it shouldn't affect the relationship, right? =] Good luck!
Well, that certainly isn't the love of Christ! I'm sorry you have to endure that stupidity. :/
Well, the thing is, I think either Catholic or certain Christians place emphasis on religion when dating. There was one post a while back saying that a guy wouldn't date one girl because she wasn't a "god enough Christian girl." Which to me, seems very silly. I am a Buddhist and I am dating a Catholic. Everything is fine between us. She never tried to convert me nor give me the words of the Bible.
So I never actually placed religion as a factor in a relationship (unless it is some super crazy person who would always try to convert me and telling me that everything I do is against the word of their God or something). Your dad just needs to loosen up a bit.
My ex was agnostic. -Though he did respect my religious beliefs. ~I would say it would bother my immediate family (we're Christians) but not to such extents as you mentioned.
I think it's primarily your own choice and as you mentioned, its significance to you. - I personally now would not date a non-Christian simply because the values, priorities and way of life I live stem straight from my religion. The relationship just wouldn't work long-term with someone who didn't believe what I based my life on.
I find that horrible,to be honest.
Thats discrimination. My parents both have been very accepting of anyone I've brought home, love interest or friend. I'm thankful for that.
A dirty atheist? That made me laugh. Does he think that atheists don't wash or something? Or that they're just plain murderers and terrible people? If so, I think he should run for his life... the atheists might get him! haha.
I personally would date a person no matter what their religion was, as long as they had a good reason for what they believed.
i'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you and your boyfriend. that holier-than-thou attitude isn't very prudent. i also think it's ironic how your picture for this post is an angelic heart and a devilish one. someone seems subliminally affected by their father's view of titularly evil atheism...
i find it so prejudicial to scorn someone solely based on religion. rock on, atheists.
Dirty atheist? Is that what your dad thinks about every Atheist?
Religion doesn't matter to me. I don't think it does for my family either.
Wow, you're dad's strict =/
I don't think my parents would mind if I dated someone outside my religion. My boyfriend at the moment happens to be Catholic too, so I don't really have to think about it.
I'll probably end up being a "twice-a-year Catholic" as well, someday.
Ew.
Ouch, that's no good what your father is doing. I am a Christian, but I think everyone should be welcome in church and even at our dinner tables. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, people can get very judgmental about things, and it certainly puts Christians in a bad light, regardless of whether or not all Christians are like that.
Wow your dad is a fucktard. =[
My family is nuts so I don't listen them.
Disclaimer: I'm a rather conservative, some would say fundamentalist, Christian.
My thoughts on the matter are that I would allow him to come. Jesus ate with tax collectors (seen as the lowest of the low), prostitutes, and sinners in general. He didn't tell them they were not welcome, instead He invites them to come to Him.
That being said, the Last Supper seems to have only been Jesus' disciples, but I don't think others would have been refused.
My thoughts are that a Christian shouldn't date a non-Christian, but that's a separate issue from this.
My mom joked about that... I don't know, my boyfriend would come to church if he planned on spending the day with me (he went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve because he wanted to spend the night and be with me Christmas morning). I don't think it's a big deal to spend an hour of your time at a religious service for an SO. At the same rate, I don't think it's acceptable for a religious person to judge and reject an atheist person, either.
Doesn't the Bible say "Judge not lest ye be judged"? Not to mention hospitality and always inviting others to your table whether they're "Gentile or Jew"? I hate religious people who raise themselves above the rest of society and consider it okay to discriminate against nonreligious people because, in my eyes, it defeats God's original message. Do you expect to convert the world by acting aloof and unaccepting of others?
What would Jesus do, seriously?
I am an Atheist, and I do know guys who didn't even want to talk to me because I am an Atheist. x_x
Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important. - C.S. Lewis
What's the point of being a "twice a year" Christian? If Christianity is true, then our lives are merely a drop in the ocean of eternity. If Jesus was who he said he was, we should be willing to give everything we have to follow him. Nothing in life is nearly as important.
If Christianity is false, it's not worth wasting any energy or thought. "Twice a year" Christianity simply doesn't make any sense.
Religion is the last acceptable safe haven for hate and discrimination.
@coolmonkey@xanga
Well, religion and those who like to hate and discriminate against the religious.
@Theophilus166@xanga - Well, when I hear of an atheist family banning a Christian simply for having a religion, that'll be the day.
Yes, my family is very religious like yours. I haven't had a specific instance like the one you described, but I could see it happening. I used to be a Christian, but now am an agnostic. My sister has felt like she has to be an avid church-goer around her husband's family, and they both feel they have to be such around our family. So yes, there is pressure there. If/when I find someone, I am pretty sure that she probably won't be religious, and so I could definitely see something like this happening then.
How to deal with it? Yeesh...that is a hard question. I definitely wouldn't let them try to tell you how to run your life, especially when it comes to deciding on a potential mate. About the best thing I can say is make it clear to them where you stand on the issue, trying to be as respectful as possible. If you do that and they still don't like it, then there really isn't much else you can do.
That's pretty messed up.
@coolmonkey@xanga - You can hear of people being killed for being Christians in many countries around the world. A few died in prison in Eritrea in the past few months after being imprisoned for being Christians. A few in China were just released after spending 2 years in prison. While admittedly it's more "theist friendly" in the States, it's not like that in many other parts of the world.