Saturday, 11 April 2009
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Do Kids Damage Marriages?
"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child." However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. They tended to have been married longer or had higher incomes. Children don't ruin everything, Stanley points out.
[Source]I have close family friends who have chosen not to have children and they seem perfectly happy, however families with children seem just as happy, just more stressed and chaotic. I have always known that I did not want to have children, but not necessarily for my own happiness, however I know that kids don't exactly make my mood any better.
Obviously, this study isn't saying that kids are a hindrance to every marriage, but what are your thoughts on the topic?
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Comments (27)
Eh. I think you hit it dead on. You can be happy with or without children. Just if you do you can bet you've just added chaos to your life. But that's what happens.
I'm not sure if I want to have kids. I think the mothering nurturing side of me is all "OMG BABY! I WANT ONE!" but I know I don't have the patience. If anything I want to adopt an older child. You know the older children never get adopted and this way I've given them hope and I don't have to deal with all the baby steps.
My parents really shouldn't of had kids.. they were already in a bad position.
My friends parents were together years but left a few months after he was born. He now thinks he is to blame because of their bad choices.
I'm glad I'm on this earth but... my parents weren't the best for each other, still aren't.
i thought about having children within the next three years. that is, until my older sister had a baby. now i just play with my niece and it's like i have my own baby because i'm with her so much. it's nice, but it's not for me right now. my boyfriend and i want to get careers and get a home then live a little before we dedicate time and money to children. i think, in a sense, they do 'complicate' marriages, but it's not as much as they bring them together and bring out the real person you're with.
I hate kids due to bullies making my childhood worse than it had to be and frankly, I don't want any biologically either (though, I've kicked over adopting a daughter if I ever get my life together.)Despite my bias against children, my answer is Absolutely Not.
Children are taxing on anybody regardless of marital status. However, they are only one factor of stress, not the end all, be all answer. If the marriage is going south, there are deeper problems between the husband and wife more than whatever the kid could be contributing. While I haven't had any, I was kid and quite a little hell-raiser as well, so I know the shit I put my parents through. In addition, knowing what I do now, I look back at what it cost for them to raise me (A LOT!) and they did it well in addition to paying the bills (considering dad was a Middle School dropout, we did well!). Finally, judging from what I can tell from watching other couples...well, have one yourself and watch your hair gray by the age of 30!
P.S. I am the voice of cynicism around here...any idea what it means for me when I choose to be optimistic about something I hate?
Kids themselves do not ruin relationships...it's the added stress that makes it hard for some couples to deal with. As the study pointed out--people with stable marriages and higher income actually benefit from having children. That's why people say don't have kids until you're ready...if your relationship with someone is rocky to begin with, having a kid will probably just escalate the issues....
i think events in your life only magnify what is already there in a relationship. if you have a strong, healthy, happy relationship you'll naturally pull together when stressful things happen and your love will not only stay intact but grow stronger. if you have an unhealthy (unbalanced, co-dependant, or otherwise messed up) marriage/relationship those same circumstances will be more likely to drive a wedge between the two partners until the marriage disintegrates.
my husband and i had been married just over a year and were not making a whole lot of money when our daughter was born. being parents together has definately unified us even more and we absolutely have a stronger connection/relationship than we did before.
i think the problem with a lot of these marriages where different circumstances (poverty, children, whatever) break people up is that they likely should not have been together in the first place.
:)
i read that study's results yesterday and i laughed :D
i hate kids, and it's just another reason i'm not having kids that i get to tell to my mother (who wants grandkids hardcore)
They don't "damage" marriages, but I do believe that a husband and wife should only get kids if they really WANT to, not because the kid is an "accident". I love kids, and I'm definitely going to give birth to one. Adoption is an option.
For me, I never really wanted kids, I'm not sure why. I love playing with them though, I used to always babysit when I was younger or just do it because it was so much fun. I still babysit from time to time, but meh, not really. When I do get married though, I'm sure my opinion will change. I don't want to have like three or four, though. One is fine, two is the max.
I think as long as the parents have kids when they're ready, they'll be generally happier since it's all been planned and accounted for. It's usually the unexpected ones that cause anxiety.
it really varies too much to be summed up easily
they have research on this. Kids = lower satisfaction so if you're planning on having kids, also plan on your marriage having less satisfaction.
I wouldn't say they ruin relationships, but couples with children tend to feel more stressed (duh), less satisfied in general, and have less positive moods. Research has shown this. However, it's important to note that this trend refers to the average, and may not apply to all individual couples.
If kids are a financial issue, maybe. I say kids that don't belong to both parents (like kids from different relationships) could ruin the marriage. If the couple is just starting out, yeah, maybe.
hmmm...I'm about to graduate college with my psych degree, and I've learned, as has anyone with a background in any science, that you should be skeptical of what "research shows." it's really true that there is no simple answer, from a research or from a person to person perspective. researchers do their best but they can really only say that "the results of our study suggest..."
On a more personal level, I am not too interested in having kids, but maybe that will change with time. It's strange, because I like children, and I am thinking of teaching, but I don't really want my own kids.
If you're doing it wrong, children make it worse. If you're doing it right, children make it better.
I think marriage does the same thing to your life in general. If you're messed up before you get married, you'll be even more messed up after you're married. If you're heading upwards before marriage, marriage will catapult you farther.
some people just can't handle the stress, i guess.
I think kids can help. I read the newspaper article in the NYTimes yesterday about this and they said that everyone's marriage happiness level wears down eventually, but if you have kids the commitment link is stronger.
I think you can be happy either way, but if you have kids you do need to take some time to just be a couple once in a while... it's kinda like that Reba song. Sometimes Love needs a holiday.
great question - It depends on the couple and the situation. For my husband and I, we are not planning to have children for various reasons.
My ultimate thought is that yes, kids can damage a marriage - if the marriage was already on shaky ground to begin with. That's why they tell people to wait a few years into the marriage, at least, before having kids. If your marriage is close to falling apart, in most cases the stress of having a child will give you that final push to rip you apart.
Sometimes having kids strengthens marriages. That usually occurs in relationships that are pretty strong already. In that case, having children makes things better.
Basically, if a baby (or kid) can rip two people apart, the relationship obviously isn't very strong to begin with.
I always felt I don't want kids, but then you meet that one guy who manages to change your mind. We both agreed when that time comes, we'll do everything together, from diapers to bath time to feeding the little monster. I think a lot of couples fall apart because most of the baby duties fall on one person, [not saying man or woman] and when the other person's having an easier life while your stuck with shitty diapers and baby food all over you, you get sick of it. I do think that if you do everything together, in can bring the best out of the couple and bring them together more. :]
Some families stay together because of kids.
They want to make sure they do what's best for the kids, ya know? :]
because kids spent all your hard earned money that you were hoping to save for that second honey moon vacation in the bahamas in the master suite, relaxing on the beach sipping on that cocktail, enjoying the lovely scenary just the two of you lovebirds in peace without bratty kids screaming in the background. ahh...bittersweet married life.
I figure love changes, sometimes over time, sometimes over experiences. But it changes all the time, and you roll with the punches. If you expect to feel how you felt about your 16 year old crush all the time, then what are you doing in a marriage?