Miss OstrichMy roommate has been dating "Kelly" for about seven months now, and while she's a nice girl, we are all starting to suspect she might be gay. Everyone, that is, except my roommate. Though it's not my business, I, along with all of our mutual friends, still can't help but speculate.
Here are our top 3 reasons why:
1. On the night she met my roommate, he, our friends and I went swing dancing. Kelly approached our group, and as we all started talking, she said she had a girlfriend and went on and on about their relationship, how much they were in love, and how sad it was that she couldn't be there to dance. One week later, Kelly and my roommate had sex. One week later, they're official. What about the girlfriend?
2. Despite sleeping with him the first time they hung out on their own together, they never "get intimate" in any way anymore despite my roommate's constant begging (this is what he's told me). She ALLOWS him sometimes. Once, she actually did her homework while he had his way with her (Kelly told me this and my roommate confirmed). My roommate says she is NOT a rape/molestation/trauma victim. Her explanation is that she "just doesn't feel like it" and never seems to want alone time with him. Another alternative: my roommate isn't very good in bed?
3. Again, despite not wanting to touch my roommate, she is OVERLY affectionate with me and any girls that happen to be around. She loves going up behind us and touching or putting her arms around our waists and standing there holding us. I've had to yell at her a few times now, but lately, I've just left the room when she comes over.
Now, I realize relationships are not supposed to be based on sex, but my roommate is a self-proclaimed sex addict, and before they were official, they had A LOT of sex in the two weeks between meeting and dating. Most people who know her all agree with me, and we're confused why my roommate seems miserable, but stays with her despite her seeming like she doesn't enjoy being with him at all.
I know plenty of people who are confused and need to try dating both men and women until they figure out where they're most comfortable, and I know even more people who are surprised when an SO comes out even though everyone else around them saw it coming. A date of mine in high school asked if he could wear my bra, and when I asked why, he said, "I'm thinking about becoming a drag queen." I told the story to my friends, and no one was surprised. I was!
Have you ever had an SO come out/switch sides while or after you were dating? What is going on with my roommate's girlfriend, and what should he do?
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Comments (32)
well if she admitted to having a girlfriend and sounded super passionate while telling you about her maybe she is gay or bi but just more into girls. i had a crush on a tom boy who was dating a guy from my school. they were a pretty descent couple. i dont just assume all tom boys are lesbians but she did turn out to be. i remember asking her what happened to her relationship and she told me she wanted to tell me later. then i noticed on facebook that she was interested in women only and was also dating a girl from our school. anyways.. maybe you should coax her into opening up.
Once I had a guy break up with me, go on spring break, and blow his first guy... But I mean, I knew he was bicurious, I should have saw it coming.
However, I think your roommate just has to face the music, he's not happy in the relationship, it's not pleasurable to him, so he should probably break up with her. Gay or straight it doesn't matter right now. All that really matters is, he's unhappy.
If your roommate is miserable, but stays with her despite her seeming like she doesn't enjoy being with him at all - that's his own fault. If he's miserable, he should get out and find someone who will enjoy his company. Can't do much when he won't budge nor care about his physical and/or emotional needs from the relationship.
If his girlfriend is gay, maybe she is using your roommate as a cover up (if she hasn't come out of the closet yet or don't want anyone to know that she's gay) or she's just using your roommate until she finds someone better (whether it's a HE or a SHE).
All you can do is talk to your friend and try to knock some sense into him. He's not going to be happy if he continues to stay in that relationship if he's not getting what he needs from it.
It's funny, I'm in a similar situation (as that girlfriend) but I mean really, it's up to her and him. Whatever they decide, is their decision, she might be the most gay woman since... Ellen(?) but really, if she's happy to be with him, there's obviously something there.
On his part, maybe he really likes her. Maybe they're best friends but their sex life bites?
Who's to say except the happy/not so happy couple.
Ask the girl, if she's obviously more close to the girls, get in on that and find out why she's staying with him if she's so neon-coloured-sign obvious.
if she had a girlfriend before, you know she's at least bi. does your roomie know her dating history beyond her last ex? if she's only had sig others who were female,chances are she's gay and your roomie's her little adventure into the straight world. also, chances are she'll find it's not to her taste and go back to women. alternatively, if she's dated both men and women in the past, she could just not be into your roomie. another thing is that she's just now realizing she can be attracted to men, so the transition could be awkward for her. she may need time to adjust to the idea of being with a man. no, i've never had an so come out after we were dating, but i've had plenty of people come out after i knew them. none of them were surprising. apparently telling me's always anticlimatic because i'm just like "well, duh".
lol total lesbian.
What i dont understand, is if she doesn't like sleeping with him or spending time with him - why is SHE still with HIM? I mean, vise versa as well, but how can you stay with someone you KNOW you dont want to be around?
Well, good luck to your roommate. Maybe he should suggest a 3 some with a women, if she's quick to agree then she probably is a lesbian.
Your roommate should get a clue. Kelly shouldn't be in a relationship with him if she doesn't want to spend time alone with him...and it sounds like she prefers women...so she's playing it both ways...maybe in an effort to meet and cuddle girls all while dating your roommate, who she doesn't want to be intimate with often?
Maybe she's asexual. She might want romantic relationships with both genders but is not interested in them sexually.
However, it sounds to me that she's bisexual with a preference for women. I'm the same way, but I'm in a happy, committed relationship with a man. Things often turn out different than you'd expect. :)
yeah i hadda partner switch sydez hahahaha well it wuznt that funny wennit happind but i can lafffa bout it now hahaha hav yer roommate call me
i can probably help him out if she wont
idk... thats hard to say. i feel you're trying to proclaim her as gay for a quick fix
but what if she's just really depressed so never feels like doing anything
like i feel like she could just get into the thrill of the chase
but than once/if she gets what she wants, she gets all weird
i feel like she might have some issues to work out more than be gay
but hey, you never know
thats just what i think
she definetly doesnt sound gay to me. i myself am a bisexual with more than enough gay/bi/curious/confused/trans friends to go around. saying that youve been in a relationship with whoever doesnt mean you actually have. some people say things like that to get noticed or to come off as an interesting person. and if she has dated a woman, it doesnt neccessarily mean anything. it could have been an expieriment, true love or fun adventure. you really have no way of knowing the truth.
as far as not being sexually involved, thats not a new concept. im the same way. i was with someone for 2 years, mostly having sex because i knew my partner wanted to rather than me wanting to. plently of people dont think sex is such a big deal.
thirdly, i think you only notice the touching so much because you already think shes gay. if you didnt, you probably wouldnt say anything at all. some people, male or female, are just more affectionate than others.
basically...your evidence doesnt prove shes gay.
just talk to her so she can save you the tell-all xanga post next time.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Almost all what I would say given this scenario. It IS his fault if he's staying around with a woman who basically wants to munch rug.
@StillFindingMonkeys@xanga - I wished more people like us understood how truly meaningful and intimately important sex is.
Poster: You can't really tell if anybody is gay or not, no matter how many tell-tale scenarios/stereotypes you consult unless you directly ask somebody and take their word for it or if you catch them in the act. I know this because a lot of people think I'm gay, but I'm not. As a matter of fact, I haven't done ANYTHING to suggest I'm gay, but hey, shit happens huh? I also know some people who have the gay voice and mannerisms, but bang chicks all the time.
The relationship sounds fucked: If anything it's kinda funny because it seems to me a case of "sex addict meets sex addict/freak". This girl honestly does sound more like "curious" then "lesbian". If anything, she may just be sticking around with the roommate "because she doesn't want to hurt him". Confront him and tell him to work this out with the woman. If he's a sex addict as you both say he is; he'll find another quick fix with another woman who may actually respect him. If basing a relationship solely off of sex, it's going to fail badly, especially once age hits and the appeal of sex wears thin.
P.S. If you're speculating about her sexual preference, you're making her sexual preference your business, you're just not confronting her about it. Kinda like talking shit behind somebody's back, but understandable as we all make speculations and judgments about somebody out of earshot.
I don't know how much of this situation is really any of your business :/
in grade school i dated the same guy off and on. he moved alot and once he moved we always seemed to lose touch but when he cameback we always got back together...anywayz all my friends use to tell me he was gay or going to be gay and was just afraid to come out...But when he wasnt dating me he was dating alot of other girls as well and as we got older and i was completey done with him not because he was gay or could be gay but because i just wasnt intrested anymore but we remained friends. He use to tell me about all the girls he was having sex with and tell me how bad he wanted to have sex with me. that never happened tho...so anywayz a couple of months ago i was searching for him on myspace....because we lost touch....he is a drag queen with a man for a boyfriend...when i was telling my friends they was like we told you about this forever ago he was going to be gay.
who cares if she is gay or not. if ur friend (the guy) is not happy he either needs to talk to her about it or get out. Unless he is asking u for help, its none of ur business. And even if thats the case he obviously needs to talk to her first
That's what you get when you try to maneuver for a potential three-some by dropping everything to hook up with the "freaky" girl - blue balls.
@SandPaperTears666@xanga - I agree, couldn't have worded it better.
@steph - I completely agree with you. I don't think it's her business at all. Leave them alone, if she wants to come out, she'll come out.
Also, there is no reason to "yell" at someon who is overly affectionate. Explain to her it makes you uncomfortable.
You sound like a little snot to me, and you're jealous of your roomate's girlfriend, obviously.
dude man...
i don't even know...
just leave it be.
Miss Ostrich, if you could read my blog, and give me your opinion, since our situations seem to be simliar in ways, I would truly appreciate it.
-Schatzi.
Ask her ?
She sounds like she's bi, or maybe she's a lesbian but her girlfriend hurt her so now she's like 'oh no never again' and tried to make it work with a boy but then she realized she doesn't like boys like that but she stays with him to.. hide from her true feelings?
I'm confused. Your roommate is a girl right? And she's dating a girl? But you call Kelly "he" and "she". Er ... is she a boy?
Err yeah seems like she's gay.
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - no, I think the author is a girl whose roommate is a guy that's going out with a girl who might be gay, get it?
weird.