I've been with my BF for two months. We broke up just before Christmas after two months and got back together earlier this year. Things have been going okay - some things are better than they were and some things are worse. I guess I expected that, to be honest.
I love him. That I know. There are just a few things that I don't know how to solve.
For one, I'm really close to my mum and my brother, who I live with. My boyfriend comes over to my place at least once a week. I never go to his 'cause he won't let me in his room, which I will explain later.
When I'm at home, I usually sit with my mum and brother in the living room while we watch TV or whatever. When my BF is over, I do want to spend some time with him in my room, but not all the time. He doesn't communicate very well with my mum and brother. It didn't bother me at first; I just thought it was because he was shy. After a while though, he's still the same. My mum and brother are very chill and laid back people, and I don't like it that they don't really communicate. My mum tries to, but it's not happening. I tried to get us to sit for dinner together, but that didn't work.
I can't force him to talk to them, but it would help a lot if he did - not just for me, but for him as well.
My mum always brings it up, and I know she's right, 'cause I need my boyfriend to feel like he's part of the family. Our family is close, and sometimes it feels like that closeness is fading away the more time I spend with him.
Also, we have a dog. Now, I know not all people are dog lovers, but he doesn't understand that the more he ignores the dog, the more the dog is gonna jump on him to get attention. It's the jumping he doesn't like; if the dog didn't jump as much, my BF would pet him and stuff. Our dog is only a puppy, so he's not fully trained yet.
Next thing is, all we ever do when we spend time together is hang out in my room watching DVDs. Fair enough, we go to his mate's or to the pub sometimes, but I'm getting pretty fed up with always being at my place. Is that so bad? Should I be happy no matter where I am with him? or what we are doing?
Last, he won't let me in his room because apparently it is really messy. Maybe I shouldn't find this as a big deal as I'm making it out to be, but after being with him for the length of time I have been, I would have expected to go in his room. I don't care what his room is like; it's not gonna put me off him. I told him to clean up so we could hang out in there, but he just moans.
I'm just fed up doing the same thing all the time. What should I do? It's just difficult; I don't want him to change, but at the same time, I do...
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Comments (29)
You sound well-rounded, so I'm going to say that if you feel like something is wrong, then there really is something wrong. Your family is part of who you are, and if he can't get along with family, he can't get along with you. Haha, it's all so very A = B = C. Sorry about that.
Not letting you see his room is a little sketchy to me, but it really depends on the type of person he is. Maybe his room is the private place he can count on to get some peace. I'm sure he'll let you go inside, in time.
Unless I skipped over a part (sorry, my eyes are dry from all that chlorine in the pool), the post doesn't seem to mention any communication - unless a lack of communication counts. I think the best way to handle this is to talk to him. Your family means so much to you, and therefore should mean the world to him, as well. Or, at least half a world =]. Haha. Remember, if he plans on marrying into your family, someone will have a miserable time if one won't get along with the other. Good luck!
Maybe he just doesn't know how to communicate with your mom. How old is your brother? Usually guys within the same age tend to become pretty close quickly.
You can tell your boyfriend things about your mom and brother (conversation topics) and hopefully he'll start to warm up. But it could be that he just doesn't want to say anything bad that will make your mom not like him.
As for the room, if he doesn't clean it up, then why don't you help him clean up his room. Is he hiding anything in his room? o_O jkk but really, a cleaner room is a lot more comfortable than a very messy room. But my boyfriend doesn't like to clean very much either, so I usually do it for him. If you don't want to always hang out at your house, why don't you go on dates? Restaurants, movies, amusement parks, beach, parks, etc. :) Yes, it's great to spend time with your bf but it gets pretty boring of doing the same old routine over and over again.
he should clean his room already. jeez.
"I don't want him to change"? Of course you do! Or else you wouldn't write this entry. He needs some motivation. Think of something creative. ;D
jz talk to him...
maybe he hangs around your place to avoid his own mom lol so talking to your mom is not exactly what he likes. maybe his family isn't as close as yours so when he sees your uppity family, it makes him gag. he probably doesn't know how to react when the dog is around and doesn't know how to tell you to get your dog away from him without offending you. sitting together with your family for dinner is a signal as the next stage of commitment like meeting the parents type of thing and he probably isn't ready to be that serious just yet and be grilled by your parents. I think guys don't like to be told to clean up their room because if they listen and quickly clean it up, he'll probably feel like a lil bitch, since a guy having a messy is like the macho thing or something and if his guy friends come over and see his room all spic and span, they'll ask him what happened and he'll say that his gf nagged him to clean it up so he listened like a good bf...basically, he'll lose some of his manliness in front of his friends. this might seem weird to girls but it could be the reason. who knows unless you ask him without being overwhelming though.
hmm for hte room thing.. maybe he might be hiding stuff..i hope not but yeaaaaaaaah. so you could use an excuse like i dont really care if its mesy i jus twant to see where you live because i love you and i 'd like to see whr eu grew up or what not kinda thing haha.
Sorry to say this, but if he doesn't compromise, you'll soon start feeling resentful towards him for all these things and lots more other little things. Afterall, why should you be the one compromising and being so understanding of him all the time?
Relationships are supposed to be 2-way and love alone will not make any relationship work. If you can't make him understand your concerns and get him to try harder, your relationship may not last much longer.
If he loves you as much, he will try.
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lack of communication will make you two become estranged,
if he love you, he need to love your family as well,
but sorry to say that, he doesnt seem to be love your family,
why dont you find some time to sit down and talk to him about your situation ? just try to told him what you thinking and your difficulties.
i think guys are afraid to talk to our parents, most of my guy friends, they told me the same thing when they visit their gf's parents. is jsut awkward. i find it something wrong that he doesn't let u go into his room~~ no matter how messy it was, you will still love him, so what's the matter?
yes, he needs some motivation. he needs some reason to see that you can't always be the "excited" one. the one keeping the ball rolling in this relationship. sometimes all it takes is time, but it sounds like this guy just doesn't know what he has... so you have to motivate.
some things i did with my man to get him to realize the world doesn't just consist of cuddling and watching dvd's.
1. pick a museum to go to, a place that YOU'D have to drive to so he can't poop out have way, make sure its interesting. and while i'm on it... it doesn't just have to be a museum, a state park where you can go on a walk with him or something works too. BE CREATIVE
2. cook a meal with him
3. offer to help him clean... suggest buying drawers or shelves at target or something
4. watch tv with your mom and him, one time my mom and my man had a bondng moment over krispy kremes while watching how its made
5. just TELL him you can't always be the motivated one, the excted one to be together, that you don't just come alone, your mom and brother come too. yeah guys don't like "baggage" but they're FAMILY
I feel for you. I have just the opposite problem. My family refuses to even speak to my boyfriend at all. He is very willing to do whatever it takes to fit in because he knows how important they are to me. My family on the other hand does not even want to give him even the slightest chance. They hate him without even knowing him simply because they think I should be with someone else. It's very frustrating.
that "room is messy" excuse is dumb. i go into my bf's room when it's a complete wreck and he doesn't care
but i think he should change himself to let you in his room if he love you. he also need to try to get along with you family at once. if you two get married in the future, he also need to accept your family and communicate with them.
Ever think that maybe that's just the person he is? As long as he communicate with them to a minimum, that's fine. He's your boyfriend. He's not your fiance or your husband. You can't expect him to "get close to your family" when both of don't even know if this relationship is going to last till death do us part. Sure, it'll be great if it does but if that's the way he is, you can't do much about it.
If it bothers your mother and you that much, maybe you should try to find someone else who would like to communicate and get close to your family.
And the dog issue, your boyfriend don't ignore him all the time. He does interact and pet it when he don't jump as much.
Sorry, but I feel as if you're expecting him to give your family and your dog the attention they need as if he's one of your siblings.
As for him not allowing you to enter his room, that's a pretty lame excuse to use. I think you can careless if his room is messy or not. Next time, maybe offer to clean it with him so whenever you two go to his house, you guys can have privacy.
If you get tired of spending time at your room too much, go out and do something together. You two don't have to spend time together just in your room. Take the initiative to do something else.
@black_lie@xanga - Mileage varies. Some aren't embarassed, some are. I'd hang myself if a girl ever came into my room as it is now!
@jeezshoua@xanga - I have to object here too. You're not wrong, but a prime reason that the boyfriend doesn't speak to the family is because of family's suspicion/snide remarks. If there is none of that nor is there no shyness from him, there is no reason why they can't talk unless there is nothing they can relate to.
To the poster: It's not your fault, it's really his on this one. He's not willing to talk to them but judging from your blog it doesn't seem like there's any authentic reason for him to ignore them. Family should come first unless there is an actual, logical reason for rebellion. Try to get him to open up more or find out why he won't talk to them.
As for the monotomy issue, maybe he does lack some motivation in the relationship as yours sounds very routine. Try new things with each other or broaden your horizons. Not to imply he's cheap, but if the best you're doing is watching DVD's or stuff like that, money is apparently tight on both of you. But, show him that going out and around town won't cost anything. Going into his room won't change nothing unless he's hiding something.
Paraphrasing ManillaJones as well as June__D; there is only so much you can do on your end. If this festers, you'll find that "love" of yours is really just "fool's abuse", which I define as being in a bad relationship solely for that relationship high as if it were a narcotic. If he's not going to change (which, given your scenario does sound reasonable of him to do), or if you're REALLY getting tired of the monotomy; dump his ass.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - Could be the way he carries himself as well. Some people tend to talk a lot and go out of their comfort zone. Others are not likely to open up and prefer to stay in their comfort zone even if they've been around their significant others families.
In my culture when the girl marries the guy, she go lives with him and their family. Some daughter-in-laws get along great with their families. Others has been with their in-laws for 5+ years and they're still the black sheep in the family - only communicate when necessarily.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I haven't factored in cultural differences, so that was one fault in my argument. Cultural tradition where the girl marries guy? You Albanian? (don't have to respond to that, nor will it affect any future chats between us as I'm just asking out of curiosity).
However, speaking on cold logic based on what the poster relayed to us (not factoring in variables), there should be no reason why the boyfriend can't speak to either family member about anything (gotta start by talking about something, someway). The poster's dilemna in regards to communication sounds like un-needed tension created by selfishness. We're all in that comfort zone to one another until we start running our mouths. That's kinda how friendships and relationships are made.
Like I conceded to you earlier, if there is a cultural thing to all of this, then I'm speaking out of jurisdiction and place.
Tell him how important it is to you that he tries to get along with your family. Maybe if you talk to him about it, he'll understand.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - Maybe I should be specific. When the "couple" decides to marry, ultimately the girl moves in with the guy to live with his family and him unless they are financially stable enough to live on their own (in most cases, that rarely happens). But if he's the last son in the family, it's his responsibility to stay with his parents until they pass with his wife and children. But no, I am not Albanian. :)
True. There should be no reason why the boyfriend can't speak to either family members but some people are just like that. You can't help it or change the way they are unless they want to change and open up to communicate with others.
"it feels like that closeness is fading away the more time I spend with him."
This would be a flag for me to run screaming in the other direction. It doesn't matter how much you think you love him, this is not a healthy relationship.
If he doesn't get along with the 'rents, there's no chance of a long-term relationship. Especially if you know that he's no good for you.
Thanks to everyone who has givin me advice on this. It's not religious at all.
I've suggested to him to go out to different places, such as swimming, cinema and out for dinner etc so that has worked.
However the whole going over to his still isn't working. The longest I've spent at his must have been about half an hour, and I still never got to go in his room anytime I've been there. I'm also expected to sit and talk to his mum which I'm not complaining about I like talking to his mum she's nice but I would like him to do the same when he comes to mine. I don't think it's much to ask for.
I suggested to go over to his tomorrow night but he wants to go back to mine when I go home seeming he won't let me sleepover.
A guy that can't get along with my family is a big turn off. My mom is one of my best friends, and I'm extremely close to my older brothers. If my guy can't get along with my family, then it just won't work. If he really loves you, he needs to atleast try. It doesn't seem like he's putting ANY effort forth getting to know them, and that's a big no-no. You need to explain to him how much it would mean to him to try. It's not like they're going to bite, right?!
Communication is key.