My boyfriend of six months was down yesterday and I pestered him until he told me what was wrong.
I shouldn't have done that, though, because he admitted to me that he was worried our personalities weren't compatible. He says that we've been fighting a lot and that we never go out like he thought we were going to when we first started going out.
This upset me for more reasons than the man that I love telling me we don't click and he doesn't wanna be with me. It upset me because I've been cigarette free for almost a month, which is when he said I started getting nasty and we were fighting a lot.
I gave him two words: NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL! Studies show that nicotine withdrawal will cause mood swings. I have been feeling calmer this past week, so I would like that to be taken into consideration!
Another reason why it upsets me is because we went out to a concert last week and I agreed to going out last night, but HE backed out! I'm a second year university student with six classes and final exams coming up; need I say more? I told him that just because he's unemployed and sitting around doesn't mean that I'm doing the same!
We both cried and I made my plea for him to stay; he said that he was just being overly negative, but when I asked him again if he wanted to be with me, he said that he wasn't sure. I started packing my bags and putting my coat and boots on when I sat him down and talked a bit more. I told him that I have never been so sure being in a relationship before and that our relationship may seem more negative because unemployment is hard for him. He agreed and said that he'd stay with me.
I AM TERRIFIED! I don't want him to change his mind and I don't want this to come up again since he said he's been noticing this for a few months. My question is, do you think he'll probably change his mind or could we get through this like we're planning?
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It depends. This might just be a slump in his life where he's not sure of anything because of his unemployment. However, noticing for months doesn't exactly count for nothing. I think if your relationship is going to work, you're both going to have to see things on the same level. For example, not having enough time to balance all of your activities is a big one. You'll both have to know that you love each other, but that time can't be stretched. Sometimes, school is the priority, and other times, he can take first place.
This conversation will probably come up again, if I'm generalizing correctly. I really wish it wouldn't, but you'll just have to be prepared for the worst. Hopefully, stability and communication is the answer. Best of luck!
just take care of your school work first, most likely he won't be "the one" anyway since you hadn't started college long ago.
Well, you know, it could go either way. Chances are he's suddenly feeling negative because he lost his job. He's probably not thinking about things in any form of positive way. See, none of us are going to be able to tell you whether he's going to change his mind or not. Honestly, he probably won't even be able to tell you whether he'll change his mind or not. Right now he doesn't seem to know much of anything, and he's just confused.
You could go with the flow and see what happens, or you could talk to him. Just tell him that what he was saying the other day really shook you up. Maybe talk about how he's feeling more in depth to find out if he's still questioning things.
I figure this is just one of the rough patches. He's lost his job and school is time consuming. He really needs to realize that. It won't be long until you two can spend way more time together, until he gets a job, etc; things won't be dreary forever. He just needs to calm down.
he is irritated probably because he feels inferior and your 6 classes is like another kick in the nutz. with college and conflicting busy schedules, he might be upset because when he wants to hang out, you're busy and when you want to hang out, he's not in the mood. I think he needs some more encouraging/comforting words rather than making him seem like a slacker, which he might be, but guys don't want to hear that out loud. he should be more considerate of your smoking situation, too. I guess wait til both of you have calmed down, then talk things through with more patience and understanding.
Busy, conflicting schedules and outside stressors make relationships hard, but every relationship has those things at one point or another. Either way, it is a silly thing to worry about. If he decides that he doesn't love you anymore, or doesn't want to be with you anymore, it will not be a decision that is within your power to modify. It will be one that he comes to one his own terms and with his own motives.
Be the girlfriend you think you should be, not the one that you think he wants. If you being you isn't what he wants, then he shouldn't be what you want either. It is silly to waste your life trying to live by someone else's standards.
can you both be mature and not impulsively break up? just try to settle down and talk through it. you are both stressed. and i'm not saying you're immature. i'm just saying try to give yourselves a bit of time to think about this with all the things going on in your lives. =)
Maybe u should give him some space to figure out what he wants, its obvious that he seems a little confused about this relationship and u dont want to get him to the point where he will stay with you because u keep bringing it up to him and he feels like he has to be with u. so give him some space and let him think things thru on his own. he cant do that with u always asking him if he wants the relationship because it seems like he doesnt know if he wants it or not. goodluck!!!!!!
Hard times are the true test of relationships. Life is full of troubles and stress. These things either drive a wedge between a couple or bring them closer together.
It seems like niether of you are recognizing or supporting the other person.
You say:
I gave him two words: NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL! Studies show that nicotine withdrawal will cause mood swings. I have been feeling calmer this past week, so I would like that to be taken into consideration!
But you fail to mentionhim. The person who also has to deal with the withdrawl. Chances are after you've had a swing, you recognize it. (or I hope so) Do you talk about it with him? Do you tell him "I'm so sorry, I am having a hard time with my moods. I don't mean to take it out on you"? And then discuss it so that both of you can have a better understanding of it affects the other?
We do that once a month in my house. I can have wicked PMS mood swings, but since we are open about it, my husband and I get through it together... and its a lot easier with his support to reign in my hormonal bitch.
You also said:
I told him that just because he's unemployed and sitting around doesn't mean that I'm doing the same!
Okay. OUCH. That stings. If you want a relationship to work and you love someone, don't say ego busting things to them. You want your partner to feel good. You want support and encourage when times are tough, especially when a lot men feel shame during unemployed times. Don't chop off the penis to spite the balls... He will change his mind if you keep stating your feelings that way.
There's a flip-side. He needs to be aware that you need his support, encouragement and understanding while you deal with your addiction. He also needs to recognize that your education important. And there will be times when, as a couple, you will not to be able to do things on impulse, especially as you mature together and life throws you responsibilities that limit your "free" time.
Compatibility isn't so much about how you click when life is sunshine and kitten, but how you weather a storm together.
I think it's really important that you focus on yourself first. Why be with somebody who's not sure if they want to be with you? You don't deserve that! Lose him.
I've been dumped three times by the same guy within the span of a year and a half, about that. When you plea and beg a guy to stay, they probably will but only because they feel bad for you and for good intentions, do not want to hurt you. I say it was probably a bad idea to have asked him to stay from what I know. Best decision probably would have been to just let go of the relationship for now and let the problems work out on their own and when the air clears up, he will probably eventually realize he may ahve made a mistake. I think I'm younger than you, almost sure but I've gone through enough heartbreaks with the same guy to say this and with many other guys. It's better off to just go your own way :/ That's just my opinion, but I'm not excluding possibilities of the relationship working out but time is always essential
I've been in an on again, off again relationship for 4 years. We both know deep down we cant live without each other so we both keep coming back. I firmly believe in the expression if you love something let it go. I love him and I have let him go too many times to count. He has come back everytime because he knows we are somehow meant for each other. You have to think about yourself and your happiness. If he's not behind you in whatever you do, leave him. If leaving him doesnt open his eyes, nothing will. NEVER show a guy you need him. I cant live without my bf, but he doesn't know that because I would lose the power in the relationship.
@care@momaroo - I will quote the end of your post. I liked the saying, but that's where I have to disagree with you. Sure, you have to weather a storm in a relationship, but there is a difference between challenging rough seas and tidal waves. If it's not going to be able to work, then it can't work.
@WendyMarie83@xanga - MAD HARSH!!! Effective, I will grant you that; but what happens when he actually leaves and don't come back the next time?
As much as I advocate and support a relationship with a gameplan; things don't always work out according to the plan. Your anger problems are a result of nicotine withdrawl and stress from your classes and homework. You can solve yours by keeping to your regimen and finding new stress relief techs. His problems, if he's not in school, can easily be solved by going out there and finding a job. Job markets are brutal, so maybe you can help him put together a resume and help him find a job that can allow him to utilize his strengths. Odds are, once he's employed again, he'll cheer up and be okay (relatively speaking)
But, upon a second re-read of your blog, it may just be that you two ARE incompatible and that you're trying to make something work out of nothing OR that he's just not that into you and that you're keeping him by guilting him. My earlier advice/opinion still stands true: Help him find a job and he'll be happier if unemployment's the cause of the dysfunction (as well as your withdrawls). If he won't help himself find a job, leave his ass.
You've only been dating for 6 month; and he says he's been feeling this way for 3 of them. Doesn't sound very promising. You can't force a relationship on him, if he doesn't want it.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - Well that's kinda my point, maybe left it kinda unfinished? In any case, if you can't weather the storm, than you aren't going to live happily ever after together and very much should NOT even try.
To put it another way, there will always be problems that come up as individuals that have an affect which impacts coupledom bliss. The difference between a relationship that is worth being and one that isn't is how each part negotiates the impact. Do they help or hinder each other? Do they find comfort and solace in their partner or find resentment and insecurity?
He told you that he don't want to be with you. You cried and plea for him to stay. He said he wasn't sure. You started packing your bags and putting your coat and boots on. Talked to him that your relationship with him may seem more negative because his unemployment is hard for him. He agreed and said that he'd stay with you.
He's said, "No. Maybe," and then "Yes." Clearly, he already thought this through and made up his mind but guilt and the reality of you leaving made him changed his mind at the last minute.
I don't know if he's staying because he wants to or because he's afraid of being alone.
If he's been noticing this for a few months, chances are - he's been thinking about leaving you for a while.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - The whole point is that if it's meant to be it will work itself out.
Communication. That is what will keep you together. I hope.
It takes two to tangle. If he doesn't put work into the relationship, it wouldn't work. Same thing for you. It needs constant work.
If he changes his mind then so be it. If he can't accept that you've got a busy life and you're struggling with nicotine withdrawal then he's clearly not worth it anyway.
Get through the most important first(School)
you have plenty Of time afterwards to have a boyfriend you can do stuff with and who doesn't feel negatively about everything.
I mean, keep him, but just see how it works first and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
um, maybe I'm a cold hard bitch. BUT. you don't sound that bad. sure, you may be moody, but everyone has their flaws.
this is why I really don't believe that you should have to beg someone to stay. I think you are probably such an amazing girl that he can figure out what employment PLUS singledom is like without you and when he misses you and wants to come back, let HIM convince YOU. and who knows. maybe you'll actually see that you like singledom on your own.
just my maybe harsh two cents, lol
one, i think it's so noble of you to have quit smoking. i recently quit myself and i think it's one of the best things you can do for yourself, both in the short and long terms (short: smelling better, looking better, having more money now that you aren't spending it all on cigarettes, feeling clearer, etc., long: well, the health benefits everybody knows about) .
two, he doesn't sound very understanding of your situation. i say, break it off now, before it's too late- now you see how badly he'll react when you go through a tough time. it's not worth it to pursue a long-term relationship with anyone who won't support you the way you deserve, especially when you're doing something that's so good for yourself as quitting smoking! if he really loves and supports you he'll help you through the hard times and remind you how great it is that you're doing something for your health, not just abandoning you like that.
i dont think it's going to work out. I was like the guy in your relationship. I've been feeling that way for a few months in my past relationship. At first when I broke up with him, he said some things and we got back together. but I knew my heart wasn't fully settled. I ended up breaking up with him in the end... =T So Sometimes things may not work out the way you want it to. He did say no at first and that he wanted to break up. That should be enough to tell you. You're just gonna get your heart broken... Recipe for disaster...
If he changes his answer then obviously he's not the one or even worth.
@care@momaroo - ...ever get the feeling that we both understood each other but we were on two wavelengths? That was kinda my point there as well.