Monday, 06 April 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Defy My Parents Or My Crush?
I have never had a boyfriend, let alone been kissed by any guy in my whole seventeen years of living. I'm not bothered by this because my first priority has always been my academics - intimate relationships with the opposite sex have always come last.
I've had crushes - lots of them - but I have never wanted to pursue a relationship with them; I'm always thinking about my academics and my parents, who are absolutely strict when it comes to these things.
But a little over a month ago, I found myself attracted to this particular classmate of mine. Let's call him 23.
It all started during Valentine's Day. Classes had just ended for me and I was more than ready to go home. 23 and a bunch of his friends, one of his friend being my closest guy friend, were waiting at the doors, all of them chatting randomly. They all stopped when they saw me and I was . . . surprised by that, because they don't usually just stop talking AT ALL.
My guy friend asked me if I was heading home. I said yes, but I was stopped by one of 23's friends, telling me to stay for a while. I was looking curiously at all of them, knowing that something was about to happen.
Imagine my surprise when 23 pulled out a gift and held it out to me. I was beyond shocked because I thought he liked another girl, but apparently, I was wrong. He liked me (after numerous explanations).
After that, things just went amazingly from there.
Moving forward to April 1st. He texted me and said, "So, can I court you now?"
He told (well, texted) me that this was what he'd wanted to ask me, but because my parents have a "NO BOYFRIENDS UNTIL AFTER COLLEGE" policy, he waited. He popped the question through text but he says he'll ask it again when we meet so it's genuine.
I've been thinking about this for a while and I'm still confused as ever. So, my question is, yes or no? I want to say yes, I really, really do, but due to my parents, I can't. If you were in my case, what would you do?
Take note I have never had a boyfriend. Ever.
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Comments (91)
Do it.
You only live once, and your parents will get over it. They're being sort of ridiculously strict about the whole thing anyway.
just go with the flow, your parents dont have to know. They will understand.
My dad told me that I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16. I went on my first date in the summer before my freshman year of high school. How strict are your parents? Maybe they'll be more okay with it than you think.
Doooo it... what do you have to lose? You can still balance your studies and a relationship.
no boyfriends until after college? that's recipe for disaster, seeing as a lot of college kids go crazy anyway, being in college away from all the strictness will only amplify that.
so, now that we're not discussing the bad parenting of it all, go for it. not having a boyfriend until after college will NEVER work. what are you, like supermormons? even my mormon friends can date when they turn 16. i mean, they still have to wear that white underwear, but who's counting?
I don't know. You might regret it in the future if you tell him to wait. I mean, there could be many happy memories that arise from saying 'yes' to him now. But having a boyfriend means you're happy and sad and mad and emotions flow up and down.
Personally, I think you should do it. If anything, you can not mention that you're dating to your parents and rather just tell them he's a close friend? Mm, I wasn't "allowed" to date but I ended up dating my boyfriend at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I don't regret dating him, despite the fact that my parents really didn't want me to.
I hear them saying that there wasn't anything they could do, and the more they prohibited me from dating him, the more I would want to ... so they let me date him. And I'm still dating him almost three years later. (: Sooo, take a chance. ^^
Aww :). I say go for it. As long as you can remain focused on your academics and your boyfriend does the same/understands that academics come first, it should be fine. If you pursue the relationship, i don't think it's a good idea to hide it from your parents. Just make it clear to them that you know that academics are important and try not to get too distracted. Rather than go against them, work with them. That's how I'm handling a situation sort of like this. Good luck :)
I think you should go for it. Whenever I have a tough decision to make I always ask myself this question: What's going to bother you more-- wishing that you HAD done it, or wishing that you HADN'T done it. Works for me. Good luck!! :)
I say go for it. [: You might regret not saying yes and obeying your parents' will. [x My parents don't want me to date until I'm finished with college but that's because they don't want to see my academics go down the drain when something happens with me and a boy.
But hey, I still have a boyfriend and my grades never been better. [x
I usually say to go with the parents. They know what they're doing.
But they are being ridiculously strict. How are you supposed to gain any knowledge about the other sex and relationships in general?
The point of dating is to figure out which type of guy you like and are into. I say go for it!
Wow, you sound like you're being very mature about this. Have you spoken to your parents about this at all? I only ask that because courting has a lot to do with parents in most cases, and since he's asking to court you--not date you, your parents might be more likely to approve, and be in the relationship.
Are you in college right now, or high school? I only ask because that also makes a difference. If you're in High school still I think it's a good idea to wait a while and get to know each other as friends more then anything else, but if you're in college I don't see the problem with it.
I understand your situation really well actually, maybe it's because I'm rather familiar with courtships, or something else, idk.
Either way, good luck.
I think the best solution is to ask him to ask your parents the good ole' fashioned way. If your parents meet this "23" and see that he's serious and might be a good boyfriend, they may be willing to allow you to date him.
That way, you wouldn't have to defy either one =)
Go for it! If anything, you can just say he's a "friend" haha. That's what I did with my first boyfriend when my parents wondered why I was hanging out with this guy so much. But they eventually found out on their own that we were dating even though they kept referring to him as my "friend" to my other family members.
"So, can I court you now?" lolz.
How close do you live to your parents? AKA would they have to know?
are you going to look back in 5 years and say, I'm so glad I never dated any of those cute guys that liked me?
just a thought.
No boyfriends until after college? Really? How can they even make that rule? You'll be an adult! You almost are one now.
I say go for it.
If you're still living at home with your parents, I'd say to respect their wishes to avoid discourse and controversy. Would you be able to support yourself if they kicked you out for defying them?
There will be plenty of crushes to pursue later.
If you're on your own and an adult, do whatever you feel is best.
My parents were very traditional and wouldn't allow me to date or talk to guys on the phone either but when I did and they found out, they came around and accepted it.
You should definitely take this opportunity. He seems genuine and a great guy by the looks of it. I'm sure your parents and you can "compromise" and work out the situation.
Let your parents know that you will still keep up your grades while you date this guy. Everyone must date and learn someday. No dating until after college is what most parents want for their children but most likely, that's not going to happen.
@Spyder_V@xanga - Great advice. Do this and compromise with your parents.
You won't have to defy with neither and it's a win-win situation.
Do it ~ !
I wish your parents would be less strict.
SAY YES!!!!! You can't pass up on a guy who sounds so AMAZING!!!!!! WTF are you thinking?!
Go for it. My parents said that I couldn't date until I was 16, but I had my first boyfriend at 14. He was 18, so that was an added issue into our situation, and it made it much more difficult. We ended up together for a year and two months.
your parents were young and inlove once, they should know and plus, like they are the ones who's gonna be dating the guy...
And you seem to haver everything controlled and as long as you don't let your reltionship rule you, then you're good to go. Go for it!
while your parents are strict and didn't want you to date until after college, but if you really like the guy and think he's genuine then go for it. Then talk to your parents, be like "I know that you want me to not have a boyfriend until college, but there's this guy I really really like. I didn't want to go behind your back, and I wouldn't defy you in that way. But right now I'm asking for your permission so I can date this guy, since I really really like him and would like you to be okay with it too." Maybe they'll see how mature you are and will give you a little leeway. usually parents arent as strict as you think. Mines didn't want me dating till after college, but they finally find out that i did, and they saw what type of guy he was, so they were fine with it. :) So talk to your parents!