Monday, 06 April 2009
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Hey BF, Where's My Attention?
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. We are almost perfect, but we have some problems - he doesn't like to make out, he doesn't like to hold me very often and he doesn't give me compliments.He says he loves me and wants to marry me, but I'm used to guys who will do anything for me. I've told him how I feel, but he hasn't improved at all and I feel so unsatisfied. I love him and don't want to leave, but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this either...
Is it normal for a guy to be that way?
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- From: Katey8998@xanga
- About Me: Delight Yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart <3
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Comments (56)
Tell him you're unhappy with the lack of affection. If that's one of the things you need in order to feel satisfied with the relationship, you should tell him so. Communication & honesty is ridiculously important.
You have one of two boyfriend stereotypes:
1) An independent boyfriend who thinks all that "lovey-dovey" type stuf you described is a bit nuts/pathetic/childish.
2) A boyfriend who, while not really mean to you, doesn't think that people in love have to be showing it all the time like it's the greatest thing in the world.
I see no real problems here either way. He doesn't feel obliged to treat you as a princess or some other weak female stereotype and you shouldn't force him to bend himself like that over you. He could stand to hold you more, I condede that point, but if it's compliments or making out, cool it and try to see things from his point of view.
Honestly, I've been through this three times before, and I've learned to just live with it. In my experience, most guys are not like this (uber affectionate), and one guy that I actually dated could keep up with my ways...I realized I was just in it for the sake of being in one. Needless to say I've learned since then.
Communication's very important, so try talking to him, saying you wouldn't mind if he held you and was more affectionate every so often. Don't expect him to smother you (very unlikely), but just ask for a little bit. Sounds like he's a guy that enjoys his independence and alone time, so give him his space. If you do that, he should be running back to you. :) Compromise, too.
Gotta have a life outside of your relationship, as sad as that sounds. I didn't want to believe it at first (I don't need a whole lot of alone time to myself), but it's very true. Good luck.
ya....some are like this...it's just their style....cant force...
That is unusual for any guy, even shy ones. How about just taking control and making him do what you want.
yeah im like you i like ALOT of attention and to be doted on. I like to know that im appreciated and wanted and loveddd....
I mean u gotta look at your situation seriously n really think abt if this is what you want. If you rlly love him youll b able to deal and work it out if not....nothing else u can do but walk away.
if ur not happy whats the pt.
There are many people who don't like to show affection. He's probably just one of them. If after talking to him about lack of affection doesn't do anything, then you can't really do anything about it, can you? Live with it.
All I can say is, don't settle for anything/anyone less than what you'd want every day for the rest of your life, if you're serious.
Though few and far between, there are men out there that know how to treat a woman.
And I'm not saying he's a bad guy.. But maybe he's better suited for a woman who feels the same way he does about those things.
@flowerspushthrudirt@xanga - agreed. :)
Never settle for anything less than what you want and what will make you happy. If you are unsatisfied now, you will probably remain that way.
I don't know why but my first thought was "Is he gay?" Just because I've been watching too much t.v., probably.
I went through this with a John. It didn't end well. If I were you, if he doesn't atleast attempt to change or work with you on this, I'd get out and never look back.
Um. has he been like this from day 1?
If so, your mistake, you shouldn't have started dating someone that wasn't touchy if you wanted someone touchy.
maybe do something just you two? Like cuddle when watching a movie on a big couch or something. Without the physical attraction or the physical part in the realtionship is pretty much "dead." If you dont like it, i advise you to leave it..because if you dont like it now, he will not change and you need to face this issue. Usually, when you are in love, you cant stop touching. My first ex and I, we were not very affectionate...i thought it was because he was not a "mushy" type..but it turns out, we didnt work out because we were missing the physical side....its more like a really good friend or brother/sister type of thing.
@flowerspushthrudirt@xanga - i agree!
@lastlyfirst@xanga - i agree with this too!
from a guys point of view....
to answer your question...it all depends on the guy. some of us are more "touchy feely" and affectionate. while others are not. the same goes for women. if you talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you need from him is at least a start so that he knows. if he can not do this for you? move on to someone who can. it doesnt make him a bad guy, just not the type for you.
It may be normal for him. He might be one of those quite and silent guys...
But if that doen't make u feel good, if that isn't what u want from a boyfriend cos u need someone who tells u and shows u that he loves u, then u 2 aren't meant to be...
Remember that ppl don't change, so don't have expectations...
Who knows... Good luck anyway ^^
I believe its normal depending on some ethinic, social , cultural, etc backgrounds especially before marriage.
@flowerspushthrudirt@xanga - I agree with this.
Sounds like my ex. .....he's gay.
It might be normal for a guy like him to be that way. Some people just don't display their affection as openly as others. Talk to him again, and emphasize how you're feeling. Maybe even give him a little more time, because he might just need to get past his comfort zone. Good luck!
everyone will have an opinion. it's good to bounce ideas, but what it comes down to is what you want. i'm sure you could find someone you like and learn to love who will show you affection. in a long term relationship, it's very important for certain needs of yours to be satisfied, or for you to be satisfied with compromising.
best of luck.
Looks like this guy is very careful--too cautious maybe. Give it a little time, give him hints since you've told him about what's bothering you. If he still doesn't give it a try, then maybe it's time to call it quits. At least you've tried. It's not bad to be a little physical in a relationship, just to show he still cares and love you.
On the other hand, give him a little credit for being a true gentleman who respects a woman. Maybe he's not the type to show his love for you physically but still give him a little credit for being the respectful person he is. Maybe he loves you that much. Quite odd but some are really like that. Good luck and I hope he's true to you as he says he is. ;)