Sunday, 05 April 2009
-
How Do You Break Up with Someone that Depends On You?
I've been dating this guy for about a year. I started dating him towards the end of my senior year in high school, and now we go to the same university, and we're still dating. He's sweet, nice, cares about me, loves me...you know, like every good boyfriend should be. But for some reason, I'm not feeling it.He's not very social. He doesn't like to go out, so it usually ends up us hanging out and watching a movie or, because he's completely addicted to World of Warcraft (even more than I am!), he has the most messed up sleep patterns, so he ends up napping. At that point, I just leave...and it gets old.
I love exercising and I'm mostly a vegetarian (okay, so sometimes I indulge in a steak) and he just makes fun of me for it. I mean, we go to the gym together, but it still sucks.
He also hates everything mainstream; he thinks everyone is being racist toward me even when I don't think they are (I'm Arab). I hardly know anything about him, and I've been dating him a year. He's not very open...but I am. He knows everything about me, but when I try to get him to talk, he just makes a joke and says something about "poop" or "peepee," trying to be cute. I can deal with that... but come on, not when I'm trying to be serious.
I don't think he understands my culture, either. I mean, I'm an American, but my family is Arabic. There are some differences, that when I try to explain to him he just blows off.
Also, I'm very motivated to work in school. I want to go to physical therapy or pharmacy school...and he says he doesn't know what he wants to do. And that'd be fine...if he at least made an effort to come to class every day and do his work...or even attempt to figure out what he wants. But he doesn't. He just complains about society and how we've all been forced to "conform and plan out our futures when we're five years old". That might be true, but there's no way he can change it...so freaking deal with it. And I've told him all this. Every bit of it.
I love him. And he knows it. He tells me every day how in love with me he is. We were watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," and the entire time he was referring to how he'd be the main character if I left him. All I could think was, "Crap." The other day (one of the few days he opened up to me) he said he'd "lost all passion for life, but [I'm] slowly helping him regain it, though [I] don't realize it." He talks about getting married all the time and how our future will be... and while at some point I thought marriage was fine, I'm not liking the way the future is.
I'm in college. I'm 19. I went out with another friend yesterday for sushi, just as friends, and I fear he's interested in me. That's not a bad thing... but I want to have the option to explore that. I can't. Not only that... I want to be around someone who is going to be motivated, with me, to do their school work and study... or even go out!
He's not manipulative, he's not horrible; he's great, and I'm sure he'll make someone delighted. But it's not me... and I don't know how to end it.
His last girlfriend of two years cheated on him, and all his best friends are hours away. I fear that if I left him, he might break down. And I don't want that at all...I don't want to lose him as a friend, either. But I guess that's inevitable. I just don't know how or if I even should break up with him.
How would you end it with a person that depends on you so much?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: arabcake@xanga
- Name: Princess Jasmine
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 0 Views: 0 0 Comments: 0 0 View all posts by arabcake@xanga
Comments (153)
You end it, pure and simple.
Let them know you will be there for them if they need something, as a friend. But then leave it be, and don't initiate.
To me, it looks as if you have no serious relationship problems so it really all boils down to if you love him or not.
If you love him, stay with him.
If you don't, leave. Explain to him that he's a good person, that it's not his fault, but you just aren't in love with him anymore. Also, you can try to stay friends with him, but give him time if he needs it.
You've gotta do what's right for you. You have to be kind of selfish in this situation. Do what you need to do by exploring other options, if that's what you truly want. You could always just go on a break with him & explore other options, and then get back together if you realize that the only option you really want is him.
Good luck, I hope everything works out!
I've been in that situation twice. I held on for their sake's, but eventually just ended up resenting them. The breakup with my first ex turned out far messier than it should have been, and completely shattered our chance of being friends again. I handled my second breakup better, and it went smoothly, but I still felt stuck in the relationship and stayed with him for a month longer than I should have.
My advice is to break it off before it turns completely sour. He'll have to deal with it eventually, because it's apparent from the way you talk about him that you don't consider the two of you to have a future together.
Kinda sounds like you're his link to the outside world. And I wouldn't know... I've stayed with people for far less in the "justifiable reason" category :( Good luck though...
sounds like a tough situation over all. but you have to do what's right for you. eventually time heals all wounds.
You have too do what you feel is best, sure it sounds like he would be lost without you, but you're losing yourself in staying with him. Sometimes you just can't have both, the ex boyfriend and the friend. I wish you luck with everything though.
Aww thats sad. I'm sorry to hear that. Well I would suggest to ask yourself do you really love him or not? If you do then I think you should proceed with the relationship and if not I guess all you can do is be a nice friend and explain to him how you really feel. Then maybe you can still be friends on good terms. Thats always a plus. Good luck sweetie^^
it really sounds to me like this relationship is a complete dead end. I mean there is no sense in staying with someone that you obviously do not want to be with. Let it go.
Reading this post from you, I don't feel any happiness coming from you when you talk about him. Felt as if you're bored and you want to explore your options. Nothing is wrong with that. Everyone live once and everyone should have the opportunity to do so.
You know yourself best and what you ought to do but don't stay with him because you feel that you are obligated to. If he's not meeting your standards as a potential partner, tell him so. If you want him to fix himself to be a better person for you, tell him so. Communication is key to everything but most of all, the outcome is their actions and willingness to make the relationship work.
I've been in a situation close to yours. Last year I had to break up with my boyfriend of over a year. He was pretty dependant on me, emotionally. And I won't lie, it REALLY SUCKED breaking up with him. He cried and he fought for me harder that I thought anyone ever would. He called my mom & sister asking them how to get me back. It was pure insanity. I ended up "breaking up" with him 4 or 5 times over 2 weeks before he finally gave up. I had to keep telling him "it's over, there's nothing you can do. just move on with your life & find the right girl for you." It made me feel like shit because I pretty much destroyed his whole world. But, I'd come to that point in my life where I had to do something to benefit myself, instead of him. That's what I told him. It was really really awful, but it worked out. So, you gotta do, whatcha gotta do. Good luck. :)
i was in that situation for the last two years. get out while you can! i tried to stay with him to maintain his happiness but in the end it just made both of us miserable.
Tell him the picture of the man you need (the truth) and that he doesn't fit into the picture?
Do it gently but firmly, don't budge your stance.
If he promise to change and all, don't give in. Tell him to find you when he's reached there.
If he uses anger saying you're not sincere and all, tell him that your decision is final. As much as you love him, it is not healthy for you to be responsible for another adult's life. You guys are in your late teens, not some 5 year-olds.
And most importantly, tell that all to him in a calm tone free of emotions. Emotions messed up things. I know because...
I eventually married the guy who clung on to me. It ended up in a bitter divorce with a confused child. My plans for studies were completely thrown off track. I was 18 then and too soft-hearted when he held on to me.
Wow. I can't tell you how scary this is right now; my ex that I dated for a year and a half (whom I just broke up with at the end of February) sounds exactly like your boyfriend. Right down to the "poop" and "peepee". Every single thing you pointed out about him that bothers you (unmotivated, addicted to videogames, hating everything mainstream, him being dependent on you, etc...) fits my ex perfectly. So anyway, now that that's out of the way, here's my advice: break up with him asap. Your happiness is what matters right now; if you feel like you're wasting your time with this guy, then you need to get out of this relationship. It will be tough for awhile, but if it's really what you want, you'll be happier in the end.
Haha, I still think this it's crazy how similar my ex and your boyfriend are. o_O
It's hard, but you gotta do what's best for you. He's not opening up to you, and he blows you off. How does he show you he loves you? By just saying "I love you"?
I think you have to break this off. He's a man, he can take care of himself. He can get theraphy if it's that bad.
Be straight forward with what you want. Good luck.
Sorry, I don't know if what I said was helpful Dx .
Tell him exactly why you're breaking up with him, just as you did in this post. Let him know that you'll be there for him as a friend (if you're planning on doing so), and let him have comfort in your concern. If he's not willing to open up just yet, I don't think he can be too severely attached (no offense). It's probably a good idea for both of you to remember that even though a romantic relationship ends, a platonic friendship can still exist. Good luck!
i dated someone for 2 1/2 years who depended on me for everything personal, social, mental, etc. it was the hardest 2 1/2 years of my life. there is no easy way to break up with him, sorry to say it...and honestly if you try and sugar coat it, that won't help either...trust me, i know. I tried to sugar coat it and it only ended up making things more difficult for the both of us. You're going to have to be dead honest and tell him you're both young and you want to live your life. i applaud you for realizing this now and taking the steps to change it...one of my regrets was missing out on the majority of my college career to try and save someone else. we are not saviours...he needs to learn that he needs to go out and save himself, by going to class, meeting people, and rebuilding his own passion for life. guy or girl it is not healthy to depend on anyone else to rebuild their life.
Wait until summer to break it off, but do it early summer. That way if he does have some kind of a mini-breakdown, he has all summer to recoup, his friends should be back in town, and it wont hurt his classes. All breakups hurt, theres no getting around it. Breakup early summer and things should go smoothest.
sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. one guy i use to be with love me so much. And it hurts me like hell to break his heart, but my heart wasn't into HIM. I just couldn't do it, I guess it was a little similar, but your case is more extreme, but like I said, sometimes you got to do what you have to do. You need someone you can grow with. Not someone who you stay the same or even worse, deter you.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me, including the fact that I'm Arab and he didn't seem to understand me.
Just remember that it's your life. His life is not on your shoulders. Do what's best for yourself, and nobody else, because you're more important.
I was in the same exact situation as you... It's hard. But in my situation we talked things out, and now things are going great. :)
dont break his heart, atlest not too much
you'll feel bad but im kinda in the same situation
best way out? stay friends, or try atlest and try harder even if he tries to push you out after..
I would end it like ripping a band aid off; Do it quick. It is wrong to feel like you are forced to stay in a relationship for the other party.
Hun u cant be miserable because you think this guy is going to break down. he is a grown man and he can handle himself. he is a big boy and its time for him to stop using you as a crutch because thats what it seems like whats going on in this situation. I think you should start off with telling him u want a break and u guys just need time apart and from there just let it be known that its not going to work or instead of milking it u can just break it off with him and let him know that its not going to work and u think u guys should see other people.
I was in a very similar situation just a few months ago, actually. I was dating a guy for a little over a year, and he was going NOWHERE. It was a good relationship - with it's ups and downs, but he was 22 years old and in his 5th or 6th year of college with no sense of direction. Right when I was about ready to end things, he lost his job, his dog died, AND he was getting evicted from his apartment for numerous reasons. I made the mistake of staying with him even though I was unhappy and giving him false hope of a solid relationship. I eventually ended things and he went insane. He slashed my tires and called me constantly telling me about how he was gonna kill himself. It's been a few months now and he's alright. He got a new job, new apartment, and is [hopefully] moving on. It is such a huge relief when I think back because I know I made the right decision by leaving him. It's scary, and there were a couple of times I thought about going back to him [so he wouldn't hurt himself] but you have to do what makes YOU happy. It's just not always as easy as it seems.